Crestfallen_KH Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Imagine, if you will, that you are dating a guy. At the start, both of you say that you do not want a serious relationship. For a few months you hang out, have fantastic sex, and talk, chat and laugh together. After a few months, the guy falls in love with the girl; however, the girl doesn't love the guy and never leads him to believe she does. The girl begins to suspect something, though, and grows uncomfortable with the relationship because it's not on the same level anymore and finally pushes the issue. The guy says "Oh, well I DID love you, but I knew you didn't love me, so I don't love you ANYMORE." He says this, despite the fact that they have continued to hang out, have sex, and he hasn't tried to date anyone else, etc. I call shenanigans on this - am I correct? How can you STOP being in love with someone when you are still around them all the time? The guy (who, admittedly, has some serious self-esteem issues) would say he didn't still love the girl so that the relationship wouldn't change, right? Subsequently, the girl would be a real jerk to continue on with the guy in this case...
Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 No, I think this is entirely possible. Otherwise, how do so many couples fall out of love, yet still stay together? I dated someone a few years ago who gave me this whole trip about when we would have sex for the first time. He said he knew that I wanted to wait, but he also said that the more time he spent with me knowing we would NOT have sex, made him desire me less. Yes, I am sure it was his guy manipulation - lol, but I fully agree with the sentiment. He probably still enjoyed her company, the sex, but had embraced that she was never going to return the affections.
Trialbyfire Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Not too many people can fall in love in a couple of months. If he "fell out of love" that quickly while in a relationship with her, because she didn't reciprocate, it was probably just infatuation. More likely he's full of it, if he really was in love.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Well, the guy got hurt - bad - by his last relationship. And he's the kind of guy who likes to be in relationships, not date. So yes, part of me thinks that it was absolutely infatuation. But he's said things like "I've never responded to anyone the way I respond to you" and she...oh hell, I have been very good to him, and he's not used to that. He also he told me that he couldn't continue seeing me knowing that I was dating (though not sleeping with) other guys because it hurt too much (that didn't last long, though) and then he got into competition mode to try and prove to me that he was the best choice. He hasn't tried to date anyone else in the 7 months we've been seeing one another. For awhile, part of me thought he just didn't want to lose the sex and companionship but hell, this guy once carried my purse from the bar to the car and put it in the trunk because I didn't want to carry it around. He's done several things like that and it's hard to believe that's just the power of the p, y'know? I guess, in order for me to even consider being intimate with him again, I have to KNOW that he doesn't really love me. If I believe he does, then I feel like crap and like I'm taking advantage of him despite the fact that he's getting something out of it. But I can't abuse someone's feelings in that way, even if he's ok with it. And he's just the type to want me in his life and will say whatever he needs to say to keep me there. The very fact that I'm currently refusing to sleep with him is driving him crazy. Methinks this just isn't going to end well...
Trialbyfire Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Methinks you're right. He deserves someone as invested as he is. Set him free.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Methinks you're right. He deserves someone as invested as he is. Set him free. The thing is, I have. Twice now. I've even used those words. And he keeps trying to push for some connection with me. *sigh* It's like, the more I push him away, the more he wants me. I guess I just have to enforce a lengthier break and be responsible and mature enough to stick with it myself. I do like this guy, and would want him in my life as a friend down the road, but he's just way, way too into me. Last night, as he was trying to convince me he didn't love me, he basically said he did and didn't even realize it.
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 He deserves someone as invested as he is. Set him free. I agree, but I also don't think "shenanigans" are necessarily involved. He's simply hoping you'd come to be as invested as he is and is denying his feelings - whatever level they might be - to allow that to happen. However, he'll only end up hurt...
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Ha, well, all I meant by that title was that he was trying to manipulate the situation to play this out the way he wanted. I guess I should have titled it "I call bull****."
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Ha, well, all I meant by that title was that he was trying to manipulate the situation to play this out the way he wanted. I guess I should have titled it "I call bull****." Aren't you doing the same thing? You seem hostile about this situation. If he's in love with you, why be hostile about it?
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 ?? No, I'm not hostile at all. I'm actually trying to avoid hurting his feelings as much as possible. I'm deliberately trying to prevent manipulating the situation. If I was trying to jerk him around, I'd continue sleeping with him and believe him when he says he doesn't love me to get my sexual needs met. Since I care about him very much, I refuse to do that.
LikeCharlotte Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I let go if someone rejects me or a relationship ends and I don't go back even if they change their mind. Maybe he can do that too. I think that you should set him free and give him some time, but honestly it is possible that he can be around you and not be manipulating to "get what he wants". It is practical to change what you want once you've been rejected. I don't think it happens instantly but you haven't been dating that long so it shouldn't be impossible. You can be friends if he accepts the boundaries. He's only hurting himself if he lies to you about that and I think it will be obvious to you if he is. By what you have described I think you are right about him. He is infatuated and doesn't want to be alone. He can change his perspective but you'll have to put him in a position where it isn't comfortable for him to remain this into you.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 Ugh, ok, apparently the title was poorly chosen. What I meant was that I felt he was deliberately withholding information from me so that he could maintain the status quo. He's also made comments that are meant to misdirect me and try to confuse me, so that's all I meant by the "shenanigans" comments. Obviously I don't think he's some master manipulator, especially when he's in the position to get hurt. Charlotte, I think you make a really good point, and what you have described is basically what I'm now doing. I've told him I won't sleep with him again and that I put up a profile on the Web and am dating again. Basically, I'm not giving him what he wants (e.g., sex, and me dating him exclusively) so the situation isn't favorable to him and he'll either get ticked and tell me to f off or he'll adjust. I truly, really, hope he adjusts as I like him very much. Just so y'all know, I've been in his position before (waaay more times than I've been in THIS position) so I'm really trying my best here to be kind and respectful of his feelings and the situation.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Ugh, ok, apparently the title was poorly chosen. What I meant was that I felt he was deliberately withholding information from me so that he could maintain the status quo. He's also made comments that are meant to misdirect me and try to confuse me, so that's all I meant by the "shenanigans" comments. Obviously I don't think he's some master manipulator, especially when he's in the position to get hurt. Charlotte, I think you make a really good point, and what you have described is basically what I'm now doing. I've told him I won't sleep with him again and that I put up a profile on the Web and am dating again. Basically, I'm not giving him what he wants (e.g., sex, and me dating him exclusively) so the situation isn't favorable to him and he'll either get ticked and tell me to f off or he'll adjust. I truly, really, hope he adjusts as I like him very much. Just so y'all know, I've been in his position before (waaay more times than I've been in THIS position) so I'm really trying my best here to be kind and respectful of his feelings and the situation. Okay lose the sex. There's no way you can have a sexual life with him and not expect a relationship. Unless you guys set the ground rules from the beginning that the two of you were **** buddies through and through. He's manipulative in the way that he knows how to keep you in this twisted relationship. He knows how to get under your skin and keep you around. It's like quitting smoking. You know it's bad for you, so you want to quit. But you find yourself secretly taking a drag once a while to calm the cravings.
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