trans Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 [its kind off long, sorry about that .. but please bear with me] i broke up with my girl friend about a month back, she broke up with me to be more honest .. ( not over some other guy ) .. she just didnt have that love thing in her anymore, or at least that's what she said .. she said, she just wants to be friends, great friends and nothing else .. i really loved her, and it hit me really hard, still really have feelings for her, really strong ones .. we were always in talking terms, so we always spoke, lesser than before though, but we spoke a quite a bit .. Now, the thing is, for first i thought its just a phase she was going through, but im sure its not now, shes sure about the breakup which i somehow, no matter how hard i try, i can't accept and live with and move on with, trust me when i say this, ive tried .. it doesnt bloody happen .. .. i REALLY love her, and i can't change it .. I been speaking to her since then, pratically everyday, beng normal .. but from inside its really killing me .. and i cant tell her all this, coz i really dont wanna lose her as a friend (not trying to be melodramatic out here) .. im scared .. now here's the thing (rest of it kinda not fine, but somehow i can live with it) .. She, has started to like this other guy, and this hasn't been happening in the past, when we were still together i'm sure as she didnt know him then.. now, she thinks of me as just a friend .. a 'good' friend as she likes to put it, and when she very entusiasticlly tells me about him, i cant take it .. the frustration and the feeling of insecurity ( i know im not her boyfriend, but i still love her, so i really can't help it ) .. when i tried explaining this to her .. i got a huge lecture on - how she wants me to be her friend , and NOT boyfriend .. and how im trying nt to cope up with her .. i really cant take this, it kills me inside, and if she doesnt tell me, i somehow understand she's hiding something ( know her for like 2years now ) .. so, i cant live with that either .. i tied being stern with myself, n decided not to talk 2 her at all ( very much easier said than done ) .. but right then next day, she called me up, and spoke to me, really nicely, made me feel really loved again, and i just melted off again, she's like i really can't lose u as friend .. if i express my frustration about the guy she gets really offended and the story can go on n on n on .. all this has really affected me in a really bad way .. ive just become so quiet with everyone, i barely speak now, i never used to smoke, but outta all this, ive started smoking, like more than 2-3 packs a day .. (cant help it, its the only thing that eases me out) Its basically not a situation where u'd wanna be and so i really dont have any clue what to do .. please help if u can .. thanks reguards, trans.
Author trans Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 umm, ok i just realised i have put this is the wrong section .. Really sorry about that .. won't happen again ..
ladyinlimbo Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Hate to say it but as long as you still love her and have strong feelings for her, being "friends" is not going to work and it's only going to cause you more pain. Of course it upsets you when she goes on about some new guy she likes/is seeing. Frankly, she should have the common sense not to tell you these things, out of respect for you. That's 'too much information' to share with someone you've had a relationship with. I suggest you back right off and put your friendship with her "on hold" for now. It's not healthy for you to continue this friendship -- and really, if you think about it, does she even DESERVE to have your friendship? Seems she wants to have her cake and eat it too; you're her best buddy and someone she has a history with, who she can confide in and have fun with -- but she's free to date others and have fun there, too. Seriously - until your feelings have faded for her, in a 'romantic way', you need to back off and limit your contact with her. Find new friends. Best of luck
motive2002 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 It's extremely hard to tell a friend that you need time away from them, especially one you have romantic feelings for. You'll just have to tell her that this whole new guy thing is making you uncomfortable because you still have feelings for her. They are your feelings and therefore your issue, so she can argue with you all she likes it's not going to change that. It may be best to express how you feel and then ask for a break... and really take one! It will be hard, but you have to distance yourself from her. Being stuck in the "just friends" category is really rough if you have feelings for her. She probably won't understand why she can't have you to spill her guts to and a new man in her life at the same time, but that's her deal. You gotta take care of yourself. As a side, I hate it when women do this to men. She still feels ok confiding personal things to you, and talking to you all the time when she knows you have feelings for her. Not a cool move in my opinion.
Author trans Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 Hate to say it but as long as you still love her and have strong feelings for her, being "friends" is not going to work and it's only going to cause you more pain. Of course it upsets you when she goes on about some new guy she likes/is seeing. Frankly, she should have the common sense not to tell you these things, out of respect for you. That's 'too much information' to share with someone you've had a relationship with. I suggest you back right off and put your friendship with her "on hold" for now. It's not healthy for you to continue this friendship -- and really, if you think about it, does she even DESERVE to have your friendship? Seems she wants to have her cake and eat it too; you're her best buddy and someone she has a history with, who she can confide in and have fun with -- but she's free to date others and have fun there, too. Seriously - until your feelings have faded for her, in a 'romantic way', you need to back off and limit your contact with her. Find new friends. Best of luck i've honestly tried all that, i can NOT stay away from her, cant restrict myslef, and as far as finding new friends is concerned, i cant :'( .. ive just become so confined to myself and this stupid laptop of mine .. and honestly, wat she is doing is fair, unfair i cant say, all i know is that i really love her .. and i want her back in my life the way she was once, im too scared to not have her there if i do something stupid so, i just dont and it ends up in me just dying a lil bit more from inside .. [if ur understanding me, then ull know im not trying to be extra melodramatic out here] it really kills, seeing her so happy about this other guy, jumping with joy, calling me n tellling me how nice, cute, sweet, adorable and i dont even want to think of more adjectives she must have uses to describe .. She was once really happy, called me and told me over the phone, that she wasn't liking speaking to me, as i wasn't happy(obviously, i would be right? .. she was happy coz she went to the movies, with this other guy, whom she has this MAJOR thing for, but "just as friends" [as she puts it]) .. then, she got really pissed and was like- "u dont like seeing me happy" .. and i just could take it anymore, if there 1 thing i just loving is for her to smile .. i just burst out told her .. "if u cant really love me back, as much as i do, then at least respect the feelings i have for u" (never done that b4 ) .. she broke down into tears ( cant see her crying, it just makes me feel so weak .. ) .. she told me - lisn, i really love u, bt just as a friend and i really like u around, but i cant stop likeing this other guy for anything, i just cant get over him .. and she sounded so helpless, i just broke off with being pissed and started consoling her .. she's out of sympathy told me millions of times, then and earlier also - start hating me if u want, u can just stop knowing me also if u please, but i just CAN'T hate her.. or stop knowing her .. cant .. love her far too much for that .. i used to never smoke .. but just outta all this ive started smoking like 2-3packs a day ( its the only thing that eases me out ) .. i really cant take it, ill just kil myself outta frustration otherwise .. i really will probably end up doing that .. i swear to god, i have no bloody clue of how to move on with life, i just cant ..
hi_baby039 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 First... try to reduce the smoking. It's really BAD for your health... and aesthetically too! Second... just, take a deep, DEEP breath and let her go. Ignore her calls. Tell her straight out that while you like that she's happy, you can't deal with the pain right now, because you want more and you can't have it and it's painful. Tell her you can be friends later on, and really, pick yourself up and go out there. Force yourself out there with your other friends, it's hard but doable. She definitely doesn't want you back as a boyfriend, as much as that hurts, you have to realize that. And she has to realize that she's hurting you. Try to reduce the contact. Maybe just emailing every once in a while, but the ideal is NC until you get over her. You sound young, you should pick yourself up and go out and meet new people. Have fun. I'm young too and I know just how hard it is to lose your first love. But hang in there, be strong...
Author trans Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 i spoke to her today, and she said that id be much better if we ust split up on being friends, much better for both of us .. and with that thought itself i just brokedown with tears, i cant live withput her, ijust cant, its too tragic to even think about .. :'( .. i doubt ill be ever speaking to her again .. its really sad all this, i swear to god, i have no clue what ive done to deserve this .. .. ive just loved her, and dats all .. and hi_baby ... thanks for ur comments appreciate it ..
critter909 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 You do not have to sit there and listen to her carry on about her new boyfriend. You are torturing yourself, it's just ridiculous. She said she doesn't want to talk to you now but I have a feeling she'll call you again, you have to tell her that you still care about her, can't bare to hear all these things from her and just to leave you alone. Tell her she's hurting you, stop talking to her. Everyone here is going to tell you the same thing, go NC, completely no contact. It seems counter intuitive, all you want is to hear her voice, hear her laugh, talk, but it actually hurts more than not talking to her. It will be extremly hard for a few days, then a little tiny bit easier and slowly it will get better. Talking to her is like stabbing yourself and hearing her talk about her new BF is like pouring salt on the wounds, you have to stop yourself from contacting her
chrisanderson Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 You are pushing her further and further into the other guy's arms and you don't even see it. If you stick around trying to be "friends" with the her (the dumper), you are giving the other guy a much easier time with their new relationship. New guy doesn't have to be that emotionally supportive because YOU are there taking up the slack. YOU know her much better than him. There's nothing you can do now to compete with the new guy, he presents her with MYSTERY while you don't. She knows pretty much everything about you. There's nothing new with you. If you stick around she'll be in the honeymoon stage with the new guy and still has that emotional connection with you. That gives her the best of both worlds. She gets the excitement of the new and the comfort of the old. You are also actually HELPING the new guy by giving her the best of both worlds. When you leave her alone with the new guy he has to deal with her 100%. He gets to deal with her problems, personal issues, etc... This is why you MUST cut contact. Tell her you respect her decision, you wish her all the best, tell her that you both need to move on and MOVE ON! You have to move on by going out, meeting new people, working out, improving yourself, etc... It's hard but you HAVE to. Her relationship with the new guy may or may not work. If it doesn't then you MAY have the opportunity again. BUT in order for her to be interested in you again, you need to build up that MYSTERY. That mystery will be built up when the contact is cut because she doesn't know what's new with you, she doesn't know what you've been up to. If she never comes back then hey, atleast you'll be a 10x better for the next girl. Trust me she'll call you, they ALWAYS do. How you react when she calls you makes all the difference in the world. When she calls, you need to show her your "new and improved self". That, once again, is the reason why you need to cut contact. Thats why I must stress that you tell her you respect her decision, you wish her all the best, tell her that you both need to move on and MOVE ON! Don't call her, don't text her, don't email her. Leave her alone. When she calls you keep it short and sweet. MAKE SURE YOU GET OFF OF THE PHONE 1ST! Say something like, "well, off to the gym, or well off to hang with my buddies." Even if it's not true just say it. Don't talk about your relationship with her because it's in the PAST and don't talk about her new relationship because you'll only be HELPING them. If you find that she keeps calling you, make sure you tell her that you need to cut contact because you two need to move on. I really hope you'll take my advice. If you don't sooner or later you'll be forced to because she'll SHUT YOU OUT completely and you'll become that "pestering ex" that everyone talks about. You don't want that. Good luck!
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