TheMouse Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 1/2 years. We live together but honestly, never had a great sex life. When our relationship started we had sex about 2 times a month, then it became once a month and now its never. When I've tried to talk to him about it and how it makes me feel, he makes excuses like stress at work or that he hasnt been feeling well. Thats a valid excuse but here's the thing - a while ago I discovered that he has a large collection of lesbian porn and yesterday I discovered that he spends hours on the internet everyday looking at all kinds of porn, including chubby women, teen porn and even granny or elder porn. I am literally sick to my stomach. Am I over reacting? Should I consider this cheating because of the circumstances? He hasnt touched me in months. You can image how this makes me feel - ugly fat and disgusting. Do I end the relationship based on this? Every other aspect of our relationship is great but then again this is a huge part of a relationship. A part of me feels like this doesnt seem like a fixable problem - realistically he'll never stop doing it - he'll just start hiding it more. I dont think Im being unrealistic - I've been married before and my ex always had a porn collection however, he was willing to share it with me and he always wanted sex from me. Besides this problem my BF treats me better than anyone I've been with before, he tells me he loves me every chance he gets and tells me Im beautiful every day. Bottom line is - Im so confused - Is it worth ending a potentially ideal relationship?
saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I say it's a no go. Your not getting any action and his ommiting things from you. Ommission is another form of deception. Some people may call it cheating some may not however you feel about is your feeling and your preception only. Look you've been through a divorce already and now this guy is stirring things up- I say nawh let 'em go you don't have time to get another relationship all up in a mess. One thing is for sure you need to tell him you found this. If your uncomfortable with the porn (which I don't think you are since you let your previous husband do so) then it's not the right relationship for you, if it doesn't bother you tell him to at least give you some sort of itimacy (and to cut down on the porn) that your a REAL woman and want REAL sex. Well however you do it just do it the way you want to. Goodluck to ya and keep us posted!
porter218 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 1/2 years. We live together but honestly, never had a great sex life. When our relationship started we had sex about 2 times a month, then it became once a month and now its never. When I've tried to talk to him about it and how it makes me feel, he makes excuses like stress at work or that he hasnt been feeling well. Thats a valid excuse but here's the thing - a while ago I discovered that he has a large collection of lesbian porn and yesterday I discovered that he spends hours on the internet everyday looking at all kinds of porn, including chubby women, teen porn and even granny or elder porn. I am literally sick to my stomach. Am I over reacting? Should I consider this cheating because of the circumstances? He hasnt touched me in months. You can image how this makes me feel - ugly fat and disgusting. Do I end the relationship based on this? Every other aspect of our relationship is great but then again this is a huge part of a relationship. A part of me feels like this doesnt seem like a fixable problem - realistically he'll never stop doing it - he'll just start hiding it more. I dont think Im being unrealistic - I've been married before and my ex always had a porn collection however, he was willing to share it with me and he always wanted sex from me. Besides this problem my BF treats me better than anyone I've been with before, he tells me he loves me every chance he gets and tells me Im beautiful every day. Bottom line is - Im so confused - Is it worth ending a potentially ideal relationship? I don't think it should make you feel ugly fat and disgusting...because that is what his porn collection consists of. Maybe you are too good looking for him?
blair08 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Maybe he feels it would be embarrassing for him if you knew the kinds of porn he was looking at? I would bring it up to him in a kind manner that you know, and reassure him its ok if thats what he likes, you just wanted to be included in his porn viewing. That is, if it truly is something you're ok with.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I don't think you have a "porn" problem per se - would it make you feel any better if he was ignoring you and your needs to collect stamps ? You might make one more try to get him into a theraputic setting where you can discuss your relationship. Failing that, might be time to go... Mr. Lucky
Jennifer26 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 First off.. DO NOT let this impact your self esteem. More than likely it has little to do with your appearance, or your performance. You say the sex between you and you BF has never been great, and now he is choosing to masturbate over sex with you. It sounds to me like there is a bigger issue going on here. Being married to someone who is a sex addict, I can tell you from my own experience it has not been easy. It took me almost nine years to figure out the trauma that happened in my husband's youth that contributed to his fear of intimacy. He too was masturbating to porn everyday, and our sex life was severely hindered. We are working through it, but we're just in the beginning so I have no idea how this will go. I do know in any case it will take years for healing to occur, if it does occur. I would start off by addressing this with your boyfriend. See what he has to say. I don't want to tell you to walk out of the relationship, but do be prepared for a long road ahead of struggle if you're going to make this work. You can't go on without sex and intimacy, it won't work. Even if everything else is great. And if he doesn't want help, or to acknowledge there is a problem then it may be best to just cut your losses and leave. Because you can't fix him, or control his behavior and to try to do so will only make you miserable and he will resent you for it. But I doubt porn itself is the problem, like I said, this is probably a larger issue than you may realize.
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