Jumbo Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Hi... I will try to keep my story brief...I had been in a long term A with a M woman. It started after my own divorce...which is unrelated to any type of A. We worked together and from day one hit it off ...yes there was the every present chemistry...she was married with no kids and I was going thru a bad divorce. We started out as friends...for about a year. Then it turned physical ( she initiated it )...slowly at first and then we were physical daily for years..... I was her customer so it was easy to see her at work and for trips related to work. Our P affair lasted 7 years...she had a son at year 4 but we still continued to see each other after and thru her pregnacy...(odd i know) She said her marriage was more like a bro/sister relationship and that the sex was a chore...that she was connected to me both emotionally and physically....if i dated which was not often ( i felt like I was cheating on her, odd huh) she would become very displeased with the notion. I would guess her husband had to know something he left articles relating to EA around for her to see...we would talk on the phone frequently and she referred to me as her best friend.. We broke up a few times when I could not take the sharing a woman program any longerl...but always got back together ...it was like something was pulling us back...chemistry...the most incredible best sex of our lives, strong friendship...i do not know. What I do know is that I fell deeply in love with her..and she told me she was in love with me...she just could not get divorced...son, husband., what would family think...etc. So I lived with that...given how I felt about her, what she added into my life, the fact that no woman has ever treated me as well ( short being married)...she is extremely intelligent, witty, and all rooms brightened when she walked in....we had a great banter, our sex life life grew better with each passing year...and she was the most beautiful woman I ever shared space with....our relationship grew from friendship to lovers over time. Well she got caught in a lie where she was last Feb....which she covered with some coaching from me...along this same time I was going thru one of my tired of our situation phases and we had a tough breakup (all my fault). We have gone NC since the beginning of April....she was my best friend for 7 years, we spoke hrs a day on the phone, I saw her at least a fews times a week and daily ...she helped me thru school, thru my divorce, we made love passionately ( best for both or at least that is what i was told)...I miss her beyond words and yes...I know intelligently that I should not love her given all the lies...the fact she was married...has a son with another man...and the fact that she choose him over me...i have a hard time understanding how you can be so close to someone and then they just check out...and are gone forever. Given all the work that it took for her to maintain our relationships...it had to be for more than just sex. Its a drag now for me.....i have so many questions that will never be answered..there are to many reminders of her everywhere in my life to get rid of...7 years worth...I have gone on a few dates since then but few woman on the planet hold a candle to her...( for me anyway)....I have a great job, I am in good shape, somewhat attractive family guy.....so I can get dates...only thing is she is still in my head...I have NEVER connected with another person like that before in my 46 years...she is 42...I know we will never be together...feel like I wasted 7 years...and still miss her every day...its hard not to call her but there really isn't any point....sounds like every other story on this board....I hope I feel that love again someday....given I have only experienced those feelings with her I don't know...and for everyone who judges people on here....the world is a complex place...we don't always get to pick who we love or how it happens...sometimes it picks us...I would guess that neither she or I would have chosen to be in the space that we are...she will always have to live with what she has done in her marraige...and I have to live without her...painful I guess for both of us...I certainly would not choose to feel the way I do...missing her...and broken hearted.
Curmudgeon Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Hi... I will try to keep my story breif...I had been in a long term A with a M woman. It started after my own divorce...which is unrelated to any type of A. We worked together and from day one hit it off ...yes there was the every present chemistry...she was married with no kids and I was going thru a bad divorce. We started as friend...for about a year. Then it turned physical...slowly at first and then very frequently. I was her customer so it was easy to see her at work and for trips related to work. Our P affair lasted 7 years...she had a son at year 4 but we still continued to see each other. She said her marriage was more like a bro/sister relationship and that the sex was a chore...that she was connected to me both emotionally and physically....if i dated which was not often ( i felt like I was cheating on her, odd huh) she would become very displeased with the notion. I would guess her husband had to know something...we talk a lot on the phone and she referred to me as her best friend.. We broke up a couple times when I could not take the sharing a woman deal...but always got back together ...it was like something was pulling us back...chemistry...the increasable best sex of our lives...i do not know. What I do know is that I fell deeply in love with her..and she told me she loved me...just could not get divorced...kids, husband., what would people think...etc. So I lived with that...given how I felt about her, what she added into my life, the fact that no woman has ever treated me as well ( short being married)...she is extremely intelligent, witty, and all rooms brightened when she walked in....we had a great banter, our life life grew better with each year...and she was the most beautiful woman I was ever with....our relationship grew from friendship to lovers over time. Well she got caught in a lie where she was at in Feb....which she covered with some coaching from me...along this same time I was going thru one of my tired of our situation phases and we had a tough breakup (all my fault). We have gone NC since the beginning of april....she was my best friend for 7 years, we spoke hrs a day on the phone, I saw her at least a fews times a week and daily ...she helped me thru school, thru my divorce, we made love passionately ( best for both or atleast that is waht i was told)...I miss her beyond words and yes *I know intelligently that I should not love her given all the lies...the fact she was married...has a son with another man...and the fact that she choose him over me...i have a hard time understanding how you can be so close to someone and then they just check out...and are gone forever. Given all the work that it took for her to maintain our relationships...it had to be for more tan sex. Its a drag now for me....there are to many reminders of her everywhere in my life to get rid of...7 years worth...I have gone on a few dates since then but few woman on the planet hold a candle to her...( for me anyway)....I have a decent job and I an in good shape...so I can get dates...only thing is she is still in my head...I have never connected with another person like that before in my 46 years...she is 42...I know we will never be together...feel like I wasted 7 years...and still miss her every day...its hard not to call her....sounds like every other story on this board...thanks for reading...I hope I feel that love again someday. Surely you jest! Are we supposed to feel sorry for you because you couldn't take sharing her with her husband, she got caught, had a child fathered by her husband? And let's not forget it's a drag for you now.
Author Jumbo Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Such a fitting name you have...... I was not looking for your pity, never asked for it, nor want it....just sharing a real life story....of something that transpired between 2 people...and yes it is drag....from a humanistic perspective when someone you care about is no longer around its a drag...regardless of the circumstances. Maybe someone can learn from my experience. You certainly are entitiled to your opinion of me...even though you know very little about me....thanks for sharing it.
OWoman Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Well she got caught in a lie where she was last Feb....which she covered with some coaching from me...along this same time I was going thru one of my tired of our situation phases and we had a tough breakup (all my fault). Jumbo, firstly welcome. secondly, you say (above) that, at the point of your break up, things were not working for you. Now you're missing her like mad, and you're feeling the absence of all that there was... and the "tired of our situation phases" as you put it have receded. Jumbo you were tired of it and broke up because of it for a reason. It was no longer working for you and you were not getting sufficient for what you needed. Now, you're sitting thinking half a loaf would be better than no bread, but if you were still together you'd be frustrated again and wondering those same thoughts that led to your break up. The A as it was was not sufficient for you. You admitted that. Wishing it back would merely put you right back in that frustrated position. You miss her - but what you also miss is what she brought you: that closeness, the specialness, the incredible sex, the support, etc. Some of those you can get elsewhere (though it may take time to acquire the intimacy with someone else) and some you can find within yourself. But what you do need to find within yourself is your bottom line - the basis upon which any future R with anyone would need to be built. What it is you'd demand as an absolute minimum, for your own self-respect and self-preservation, and what would be "nice-to-haves". Once you've determined that, you can see whether she could meet that or not, and under what conditions, and decide whether missing her is a good investment or whether actively addressing those needs in other ways would be better. it's not easy. But hang in there.
White Flower Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I hope I feel that love again someday....given I have only experienced those feelings with her I don't know...and for everyone who judges people on here....the world is a complex place...we don't always get to pick who we love or how it happens...sometimes it picks us...I would guess that neither she or I would have chosen to be in the space that we are...she will always have to live with what she has done in her marraige...and I have to live without her...painful I guess for both of us...I certainly would not choose to feel the way I do...missing her...and broken hearted. I totally understand. Maybe reading Journey of Souls by Dr Michael Newton will answer some of these questions for you as to why it 'chooses us' and why it is so 'complex'? I found comfort in reading it. I do hope you can move on and find someone who does it for you the way she did or even better. Life is short. Go and find it.
Woggle Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Not trying to be mean but what did you expect from a cheater. The fact that she was already married and cheating should have crossed her off the list right there. You shouldn't be surprised when a cheater lies to you.
Author Jumbo Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Woggle - I hear you. But things progressed slowly over the years and to some extent I understood the difficulty in leaving...there is much more to the story than could be written here...given complexity of life. Intellectually I understand what makes sense...but affairs of the heart ( or love ) are not always decided intellectually....may sound odd coming from a guy but my assumption was that if she felt like I did...and i did....and thought I could see it in her eyes and actions......that there would be now way that we would not end up together....so you wait in hope.... Other Woman you nailed it....I miss the closeness that I shared with her..that is why everything else connected....she allowed me to be myself and encouraged it, thought I was wonderful. she did things for me from the heart that I found endearing....and did the same for her...that was our draw back to each other all the time. I can't go back the way things were...and will not...that is why I don't pick up the phone and call her. I appreciate your comments.
Curmudgeon Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Such a fitting name you have...... I was not looking for your pity, never asked for it, nor want it....just sharing a real life story....of something that transpired between 2 people...and yes it is drag....from a humanistic perspective when someone you care about is no longer around its a drag...regardless of the circumstances. Maybe someone can learn from my experience. You certainly are entitiled to your opinion of me...even though you know very little about me....thanks for sharing it. What I know of you is only what you posted and that's all I responded to. I am not totally insensitive to the fact that at some point in time, two people can connect, even when they shouldn't. We don't always get to choose our circumstances and those that are thrust upon us are not always what we would hope them to be. The only difference that separates us is what we do with those times and circumstances. Having made a choice, we can later regret but in the final analysis, our circumstances are, after all, of our own choosing and doing.
pelicanpreacher Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I've read and reread your post and didn't see anywhere that she made any promises to you. She knew when she initiated this relationship that she had no intentions of leaving her marriage. The excuse for why she won't leave her marriage because of what others might think is completely bogus because, unless she's so wealthy and prominent in her position and financial stature in the community that putting on "airs" is more important than living her life fully with the love of her life, then the choice should have been easy, especially when you started and she had no children. The excuse that her relationship with her husband was more like "sister/brother" is equally ludicrous because, unless she's acually into incest, she's been having sex with her husband regularly enough to convince her that the child is his. The question that begs, however, is how do you know that you were the first of her extramarital liasons or that you were even completly exclusive as her OM. The fact that she hasn't attempted to break NC or make any significant effort to restore your relationship tells me something ain't right here. If you really want to know how she feels about you then provide all the evidence you can gather of your affair and turn it over to her husband so that he can make up his mind as to whether he wants to remain married to this woman. Who knows, maybe you'll get her by default with the added bonus of finding out that the baby is actually yours! Beware though, for if you hook up on a permanent basis you may also find yourself looking over your shoulders the rest of your days wondering what she's up to when she's "out of sight and out of mind" after bringing up a new "friend" she's met at work.
Confused_Me Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Beware though, for if you hook up on a permanent basis you may also find yourself looking over your shoulders the rest of your days wondering what she's up to when she's "out of sight and out of mind" after bringing up a new "friend" she's met at work. Yes, exactly. My friend who is the OM is going through this right now. Wondering when she will cheat. Seems so sad because he was the one that cheated with her for years. Now he has her. But doesn't know if that is a good thing, or a bad thing. I fail to see how a relationship can work with no trust.
Angel1111 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Not trying to be mean but what did you expect from a cheater. The fact that she was already married and cheating should have crossed her off the list right there. You shouldn't be surprised when a cheater lies to you. Wouldn't it be nice if life were so black-and-white.
Author Jumbo Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 Preach - You are correct...no promises were made...although there were times that we discussed life together. Regarding the thing that you mentioned re the bro/sister relationship...same things I said to her. I do not know if I was first or will be last A. I did get to know her quite well over the 7 years and would guess I was the the only one based on time we were together and the effort it took her to pull it off...but really who knows. Child is not mine....invetro (sp) with an egg donor. She was a career woman who was having trouble getting pregnant and was older for first child child...and wanted to have a child. During my divorce I was on the verge of bankruptcy for a couple years afterwards...so I could understand why should would not leave her comfort zone and life...I did turn it around and got back on my feet....post the birth of her child. When she was caught in the lie about where she was he threatened divorce...and she said she realized what the impact would be on her with her son...her life, and yes the social stigma involved with being a woman who left her marriage for another man....aside from not being in love with her husband has not wronged her in any way....she has no intention in leaving now....guessing that is why she doesn't break nc...I don't because what is the point...I can't go back to how it was...she is not leaving....everything has been said many times...somethings I said were harsh truths that i needed to say...and I challenged her and the situation many times . She has decided to stay with him....he is smart and had to know something was up over the years...and did not want to see or believe it......I do not see a point in telling him....( i did think about it and almost made her tell but dialed it back)..and truth be told I could not do that to her...the circumstances were never what I wanted but she was always a good friend when I needed one in may ways...although I miss her and not happy at the entire situation...I could not smoke her that way. I know the entire situation was wrong, and we hurt each other....and if we did end up together that I could be looking over my shoulder...but I also know she helped me in ways and made me feel like no one else could or would...and that is why I always had hoped something would happen and we would be together. Maybe I was a fool the whole time ...just filling some shortage in her life...it didn't feel that way...in the end what I could offer wasn't enough to offset the pain in leaving a M....and that is the tough rationalization...I realize now that she wasn't telling me the truth about her relationship with her H...had she been I would be in a different place mentally with her....I don't think she really new for a long time where she wanted to be. But I still miss her, she was a close friend and I loved her for many years...i know I should not, and wish I did not, but do. We will not be together and can not be friends given what we went thru...and in some respects that is sad...there are not many people who really touch us deeply...and it sucks loosing it....I hope that it happens again for me...life is so short.
Angel1111 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 It is so hard to get past these things. They touch us so deeply, and grip our hearts so tightly. I'm really sorry you're hurting so much, and missing her. We all know how that feels. You're in my thoughts.
pelicanpreacher Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Well Jumbo, I can't give you any other advice than to weather the storm for only time will heal these wounds. In the meantime though, start taking care of yourself by excercising in the fresh air hard enough to stoke your appetite everyday. Also, revive a hobby or get involved with something you're passionate about (not OW ) and drive your mind to complete distraction in your pursuit of fulfillment through accomplishment. Last, but not least, spend more time around family and friends to do something fun every so often just to hear yourself laugh. Constantly staying active and focused on enjoying your life to the fullest is the best use of the time needed to get to a point where you can truly move forward with your life. Wasting time sitting around mulling over the past will drag your time of recovery out far far far far far beyond what is necessary so, as the old crook in The Shaw Shank Redemption once said, "Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin"! As an added bit of advice I would counsel you to avoid Married or Bi-Sexual women from here on out for there just doesn't seem to be much of a future in that investment. Good Luck.
bentnotbroken Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Wouldn't it be nice if life were so black-and-white. It is. It only gets gray or muddy when you mix the colors.
Woggle Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Wouldn't it be nice if life were so black-and-white. It is pretty simple. If a woman betrays one man she will betray another man. A current cheater cannpt be trusted at all. Some cheaters do reform but it is clear that this woman is not reformed. The OP needs to take this as a lesson learned.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 It is pretty simple. If a woman betrays one man she will betray another man. A current cheater cannpt be trusted at all. Some cheaters do reform but it is clear that this woman is not reformed. The OP needs to take this as a lesson learned. Sometimes wog. these people cannot be told it will happen they have to learn on their own.... They dont believe it'll happen to them. they think they are special. If a woman betrays her family, friends, vows and god; to be with you. what happens once that chemical high she's on wears off. You think she'll wont be worse or do something bad? I mean why get involved with her, in the back of your head that nagging thought will never go away.
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