pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 The last guy I dated broke up with me after a month because he said something "intangible" was missing when I was with him. When I asked if he could further elaborate he gave me the line of "you're perfect on paper and I feel so lucky to have met you." So then I asked, 'well...are you not attracted to me?' thinking that this was the issue. And he said: "no! I am VERY attracted to you. You are incredibly beautiful and sexy." So, what gives? I talked to my guy friend about this and he was like: "You know, a lot of people think if it isn't perfect and amazing from the very beginning that it isn't going to work out." Maybe it's just a matter of personal preference. Everyone has their own thoughts and instincts when it comes to dating. But shouldn't enjoying someone's time + physical attraction be enough? At least enough to explore the possibility of a relationship? Or does that "intangible" something really play an importance in the very beginning stages of dating? (btw, I have been dating since this guy and moving on!)
Carmen87 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Well, I have gotten to the point where if I feel like there might be something missing early on I don't stick around. I did this for nearly a year, and when I met my current SO everything felt so complete that I knew I had to give the relationship a good chance.
Author pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Well, I have gotten to the point where if I feel like there might be something missing early on I don't stick around. I did this for nearly a year, and when I met my current SO everything felt so complete that I knew I had to give the relationship a good chance. What was exactly "missing" though?
Storyrider Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 "no! I am VERY attracted to you. You are incredibly beautiful and sexy." This says to me that he finds you aesthetically pleasing and if he saw you walking down the street he would turn and look, but after spending time with you, he doesn't feel the fire in his loins.
Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 PG, I really don't think it's as complex with this guy as you think. I think he's just a player. Simply put. You'll continue to drive yourself crazy trying to wonder where you missed the mark with him, or what one quality you lacked, but the truth is that he most likely inflated the fact that "everything" was so perfect, except for one intangible thing (and who really cares where you measure up on his list anyhow, right?). I am sure there were many things he found unacceptable (most likely within himself), but he played the situation and was never entirely forthcoming. FWIW, I think you're a very special gal, and he was a total turd. And I am very happy to hear that you are dating and have moved on! Please, PG. Let this guy go. Forget what he said, and how he was. At the core, he was not a good man.
Storyrider Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 PG, I really don't think it's as complex with this guy as you think. I think he's just a player. Simply put. You'll continue to drive yourself crazy trying to wonder where you missed the mark with him, or what one quality you lacked, but the truth is that he most likely inflated the fact that "everything" was so perfect, except for one intangible thing (and who really cares where you measure up on his list anyhow, right?). I am sure there were many things he found unacceptable (most likely within himself), but he played the situation and was never entirely forthcoming. FWIW, I think you're a very special gal, and he was a total turd. And I am very happy to hear that you are dating and have moved on! Please, PG. Let this guy go. Forget what he said, and how he was. At the core, he was not a good man. Great advice.
Author pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 PG, I really don't think it's as complex with this guy as you think. I think he's just a player. Simply put. You'll continue to drive yourself crazy trying to wonder where you missed the mark with him, or what one quality you lacked, but the truth is that he most likely inflated the fact that "everything" was so perfect, except for one intangible thing (and who really cares where you measure up on his list anyhow, right?). I am sure there were many things he found unacceptable (most likely within himself), but he played the situation and was never entirely forthcoming. FWIW, I think you're a very special gal, and he was a total turd. And I am very happy to hear that you are dating and have moved on! Please, PG. Let this guy go. Forget what he said, and how he was. At the core, he was not a good man. I'm beginning to think he's not THAT "good" of a guy. I've found out he just always needs a girl around, but at the same time looking to find a wife. I think it bothers me so much, because I'm the sort of person who really wants to see the good in people, and once I see that I can be blind to the bad stuff. He displayed certain attributes that made me think he was a kind, honest person and it broke down my walls and made me start of think: 'maybe I want to explore the possibility of a relationship.' It's hard for me to admit I was wrong about someone. I want so badly to believe people are truthful.
Author pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 This says to me that he finds you aesthetically pleasing and if he saw you walking down the street he would turn and look, but after spending time with you, he doesn't feel the fire in his loins. haha. "Fire in his loins." But one thing I am positive of, is that he was very physically attracted to me.
Storyrider Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 haha. "Fire in his loins." But one thing I am positive of, is that he was very physically attracted to me. Then maybe Jilly is right that he is just feeding you lines for his own convenience. In that case you can't take what he says at face value.
Author pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Then maybe Jilly is right that he is just feeding you lines for his own convenience. In that case you can't take what he says at face value. Perhaps. But, I tend to believe he was telling the truth, because he is just a brutally honest person, to a fault at times, which is why he can come off as a jerk sometimes. I think it's just disappointing to me that I was willing to give it a chance, while he was so dismissive. And him saying it was something "intangible" missing is just like....
Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 And him saying it was something "intangible" missing is just like.... Just like something that a player says. PG, he IS a player. He gave you just enough reinforcement to keep you around and engaged, but not enough so that he would look like the "bad guy" when he tells you you're not the one. If a guy is really sincere, genuine and truthful, then he would have no problem saying the problem was religion, or age, or something. He would be able to isolate it, as it actually existed. This guy can't tell you the "one" missing thing, because there were many. He just never bothered to put enough thought to it to enumerate them. From YOUR perspective, you should also agree that there were many things missing on YOUR list that he fell short on.
Trialbyfire Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 You can't create that chemical spark, regardless of paper attributes. Having said that, to keep someone around and sleeping with them when you don't feel that spark, knowing full well they're far more invested and looking for a relationship, doesn't speak well for his character. You'll know when you meet someone who you have that spark with, who can reciprocate what you're willing to give! Now that's a man worth keeping!
Author pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Just like something that a player says. PG, he IS a player. He gave you just enough reinforcement to keep you around and engaged, but not enough so that he would look like the "bad guy" when he tells you you're not the one. If a guy is really sincere, genuine and truthful, then he would have no problem saying the problem was religion, or age, or something. He would be able to isolate it, as it actually existed. This guy can't tell you the "one" missing thing, because there were many. He just never bothered to put enough thought to it to enumerate them. From YOUR perspective, you should also agree that there were many things missing on YOUR list that he fell short on. Well, he did say something like: "we have crucial personality differences..." And said my love of pop culture bothered him, since he's into high art and politics...which, is lame! Of course, there are a lot of things that were missing on his end: he was emotionally distant, impulsive, and a tendency to be a bit selfish. But ultimately, I realize in my 30 years of living, that being able to laugh and talk and makeout for 5 hours at a time is a rare thing. I didn't necessarily feel that "spark" either, but I felt it coming on.
Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Well, he did say something like: "we have crucial personality differences..." And said my love of pop culture bothered him, since he's into high art and politics...which, is lame! Of course, there are a lot of things that were missing on his end: he was emotionally distant, impulsive, and a tendency to be a bit selfish. But ultimately, I realize in my 30 years of living, that being able to laugh and talk and makeout for 5 hours at a time is a rare thing. I didn't necessarily feel that "spark" either, but I felt it coming on. That's ridiculous, PG! If he finds your love of pop culture to be a dealbreaker, then expect him to be single a VERY long time. He sounds like one of those guys who is looking for perfection, and even when he comes damn close, he shoots holes in it. Bleh. I'm glad he's gone. YOU have the right attitude on it all. He's just so far from the mark it's not funny.
Author pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 That's ridiculous, PG! If he finds your love of pop culture to be a dealbreaker, then expect him to be single a VERY long time. He sounds like one of those guys who is looking for perfection, and even when he comes damn close, he shoots holes in it. Bleh. I'm glad he's gone. YOU have the right attitude on it all. He's just so far from the mark it's not funny. teehee. Your reaction made me laugh. It's is pretty ridiculous that he brought up my love of pop culture as something that bothered him, especially since my job REQUIRES me to know about it, and it's not like I don't read the news or care about other things. You are right: he IS one of those guys who is looking for perfection. He said something like: "I just know what I want." And I asked him: do you think you're ever going to find that person? And he replied: "Of course." It's like he has a checklist of everything he wants in a girl. But, I think a part of it has to do from being married and divorced young. I think he's scared to make the same mistake again, so he's holding out until he find the Perfect Girl.
Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 teehee. Your reaction made me laugh. It's is pretty ridiculous that he brought up my love of pop culture as something that bothered him, especially since my job REQUIRES me to know about it, and it's not like I don't read the news or care about other things. You are right: he IS one of those guys who is looking for perfection. He said something like: "I just know what I want." And I asked him: do you think you're ever going to find that person? And he replied: "Of course." It's like he has a checklist of everything he wants in a girl. But, I think a part of it has to do from being married and divorced young. I think he's scared to make the same mistake again, so he's holding out until he find the Perfect Girl. Could be that he is skittish, but regardless of the why, you still have the reality of why he is as he is. I don't even know you, and you come off as far from the bubble gum chewing, "OMG! Did you hear about Britney!" type. He was looking for things, PG. But he will find those with EVERYONE he meets. Guaranteed...
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 He's a guy. Maybe if you spent some time focusing on his tangible thing he'd forget about the intangible one.
Author pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Could be that he is skittish, but regardless of the why, you still have the reality of why he is as he is. I don't even know you, and you come off as far from the bubble gum chewing, "OMG! Did you hear about Britney!" type. He was looking for things, PG. But he will find those with EVERYONE he meets. Guaranteed... HAHA. No, I am definitely not like that. Think more Jeanine Garafalo, with better personal hygiene. He told me he didn't even like his last gf of 4 months as a person and that the last time he was in love, was with a girl who had a boyfriend. So we know he's got issues. My self-esteem isn't suffering because of him. I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I just feel sad about losing the potential of someone who I think/though was really great.
Author pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 He's a guy. Maybe if you spent some time focusing on his tangible thing he'd forget about the intangible one. bahaha. Unfortunately, I think I fall into that category of: "she's a nice girl, but if she was more of a bitch i'd take advantage of her poon." I have the uncanny tendency to make guys feel guilty, because I am such a "nice, good person."
Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 He told me he didn't even like his last gf of 4 months as a person and that the last time he was in love, was with a girl who had a boyfriend. So we know he's got issues. My self-esteem isn't suffering because of him. I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I just feel sad about losing the potential of someone who I think/though was really great. OK, taking the first graph, um, hello!? Issues? I'd say! Naw, you're just upset about losing the potential with who you THOUGHT he was. It was a mirage, PG, as the reality of him is far greater than who he actually is, or ever could be.
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 bahaha. Unfortunately, I think I fall into that category of: "she's a nice girl, but if she was more of a bitch i'd take advantage of her poon." I have the uncanny tendency to make guys feel guilty, because I am such a "nice, good person." I'd have to see you in action. I kind of doubt that the problem is really you.
Author pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 OK, taking the first graph, um, hello!? Issues? I'd say! Naw, you're just upset about losing the potential with who you THOUGHT he was. It was a mirage, PG, as the reality of him is far greater than who he actually is, or ever could be. Haha. Yes. Issues! I actually feel kind of bad for him, because he says he wants to have a serious relationship, but he's going about it all the wrong way. I think I was also fascinated by him, because we are so opposite in so many ways, but my weaknesses were his strengths and vice versa. You know the Myer Briggs personality test? He is an ESTP whereas I am an INFJ. That's right: exact opposites! Mirage -- so true!
Author pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 I'd have to see you in action. I kind of doubt that the problem is really you. Nope, I know it's not me. However, my girl friend said to me when this all went down, "You know, you're not the type of person to instill feelings of passion in a guy. You're solid, grounded and a rock. You're not crazy. People feel safe with you instead of fearing losing you."
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