endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 So this morning my BF left all his bags here while he went out to do some things... and as I posted in an earlier thread, he has a box of condoms in his bag that was never mentioned to me and was missing some condoms, so the reason I looked in his bag again today was to see if there was still the same amount of condoms. Sure enough, same amount... I really didn't think he was doing anything behind my back but it's good to be reassured... However I also found a couple other things-- some pills and an Rx for that medication, which didn't come as a surprise to me at all but I feel like I have really invaded his privacy because it is up to him if he wants to tell me he is taking a medication, it's none of my business to find out by myself. I never intended to. I thought I was just going to check the condoms and find out what kind of deodorant he uses because it smells so awesome, but the script was right there. Now I feel like I have this information that I shouldn't and I feel guilty. I don't know if I should say anything about it because I don't want to make things worse or make him not trust me... he is so great, and I think I am falling in love with him. The last thing I want to do is mess things up and make him not trust me. So now I don't know what to do... Just last night we were talking about related things were he would have had several opportunities to bring up the fact that he was on this medication, but he didn't, so obviously he wants to keep it to himself. I respect that and wish I didn't know, not because it is bad but because he doesn't seem to want me to know. It does explain some things about him but I kind of suspected it anyway... so... I guess if I could bring it up in an "I suspect" kind of way and see what he says, then I wouldn't feel guilty if I "found out" by having him tell me. But who knows... I am a chronic snooper, not with boyfriends only but with everyone. It is rude and unfair to people, I understand that, but ever since I was a kid I have had this insatiable curiosity and I just like to look through people's things... I don't steal anything and I don't usually look because I don't trust people, it's just this curiosity that kind of overwhelms me until I give into it. Bad, I know. But what do I do in this situation? Any ideas?
saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 But what do I do in this situation? Any ideas? Well hello. So you have a snooping problem thats well no good but hey you know it's wrong so there's no use nagging about the whole privacy issue. About the condoms: maybe he gave some to a friend- doesn't mean he used it with somebody else. And a few questions: How long have you and your boyfriend been together? If it's been 6 months+ then umm why hasn't he told you about the Rx (unless it's like tyleno 3 for back pain per say but if it's something to do with like crazy pills...then theres an issue!) ? Well if you want answers you need to ask questions! So next time you and the object of your affection are talking you should tell him that one day while he was out you got an instiable feeling of curiousity and you looked through his stuff and that your sorry for what you done. Honesty is the best but umm don't tell him you have a problem with it just tell him it was a slip up and that you should trust him more. If you do tell him that he'll get that wierd guy feeling (*cough*pyscho) and he'll start hiding things just because. Goodluck to ya and keep us posted!
Author endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Ok, well I didn't say what the medication was because I felt like it was disrespectful to him, but I guess it is kind of relevant to understand the situation. Last night we were talking about things and the topic came up that he is very slightly colorblind, which I thought was interesting. This led into him talking about how he had some learning disabilities as kid (which I already knew but I didn't know the details), he was a little dyslexic, etc. I could have guessed that much from the way he spells! But he didn't say anything about having ADD-- the pills I found were generic Ritalin (and he had the script for them so I know it is legit). It makes a lot of sense that he would have ADD, I'm really not too surprised by that. But he didn't tell me or mention it during our conversation which makes me feel like he really wanted to keep it to himself. Maybe he is embarrassed or thinks I will think different of him. I understand that feeling. I take medication for a physical issue myself and I was pretty reluctant to tell him about that for a while. We have been dating about 4 1/2 months and were friends before that. I feel like it is early enough that I could really ruin things and shatter his trust by admitting I snooped. I am thinking about telling him, but with an excuse as to why I did it. I know this is still lying but I think it's more honest than not telling him at all... I mean, he did leave all his bags here just sitting in my living room while I am here, it's hard for me to believe that most normal people wouldn't have any desire to look in them, although I know probably most people would respect his privacy. It's not that I don't... I just get so curious and can't control myself from looking. I probably should see a therapist about this issue and I have been thinking for a while about seeing one just because I worry a lot and need to chill in general. Anyway... I don't know what the best thing to do is... I want to be honest, and I also want to let him know that now I understand he has ADD and I want to help him, and it sheds a lot more light on some issues we have been having in our relationship as far as bad planning and forgetfulness, as well as lateness, on his part. These are all symptoms of adult ADD... so it makes sense. But I don't want to upset him or make him angry or not trust me because I looked in his bag. I could tell him I was going in there to find something else and came across it, but the problem is I am at home in my apartment so what would I need that he had in his bag but I didn't have here? Either way I will try my best NOT to snoop again... I know it's wrong and it's a problem, believe me.
saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Oh sheesh the worst thing you can do is lie even if it's a little one. It's human nature to be curious and everyone has those urges..however your become a complete doormat over them which definately questions your will power and it is that that you need to strengthen. On another note: Don't bring up his ADD problem- if he didn't want to tell you it's probably because a) it's not a big deal to him b) he might be a little embrassed about it since it's mostly a "child's syndrom" (which most people often refer to it as) In my honest opinon I would tell him one day when we were having a conversation (this is if I were in your shoes) and just bring it up like so "oh you know the other day you left to ______ well you know how you left your bag out there, i'm sorry i got curious and well i stumbled upon a box of condoms i didn't know about and i was wondering why some of them were missing. I know you trusted me with your bag out there and I'm sorry if you feel what i've done is a total invasion of privacy and I respect that and once again I apologize." Don't make an excuse it just sounds well terrible and guys don't buy it and it makes them angrier. Trust me! Goodluck to ya and keep us posted.
Author endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Well the condoms thing wasn't the issue. I looked in his bag before a month or so ago and saw the condoms, didn't say anything to him... and then today I looked again because I wanted to see if any more were missing than before (which would indicate he was doing something with them currently.) It was the same amount so I don't really care about that, he's obviously not using them for anything now so who cares. I don't feel guilty about that really. It's seeing the medication and script that I feel guilty about... because I know this is his private information and he never wanted me to see it... I think the whole reason I feel guilty is because of that. And I guess I didn't explain it too well because I was trying to keep it simple, but he has 2 bags, the condoms are in one, and the Ritalin is in the other. I looked in the 2nd bag to see if the missing condoms were in that bag. I really didn't have any good excuse to look in the 2nd bag. The 1st bag is clothes and things, the 2nd is his main bag that he carries around with notebooks, stuff for work and class, etc. So I was not purposely trying to look for things to find out about him, I was just trying to take the opportunity to satisfy my curiosity once and for all about the condoms because he usually has his 2nd bag on him all the time.
saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Oke doke well then change what I said to this and then give him the chance to tell you: "oh you know the other day you left to ______ well you know how you left your bag out there, i'm sorry I got curious and well i stumbled upon a pill bottle wondering why you haven't told me about this afterall I am your girlfriend and I do care about you and love you. I know you trusted me with your bag out there and I'm sorry if you feel what i've done is a total invasion of privacy and I respect that and once again I apologize." Be straight girlie no one likes a liar. Ommission is yet still another form of lying.
porter218 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 and find out what kind of deodorant he uses because it smells so awesome, but the script was right there. Oh, come on now, you know that was not why you were in there. You don't have to lie to us. Why do you care if he is taking medication? If I was taking something, I wouldn't find it necessary to tell my SO unless it had some kind of awful side affect that I felt the need to explain.
saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Why do you care if he is taking medication? If I was taking something, I wouldn't find it necessary to tell my SO unless it had some kind of awful side affect that I felt the need to explain. okay so if you had lets say schizophrenia or bioplar disease you wouldn't mention it.. a mental disease or even an STD you may have caught or HERPES need to be put out there!
Author endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Thanks for the advice. My gut instict is to lie or try to spin the story but you are right, that is wrong and will only be more dishonest. I need to be honest with him. I think maybe I will tell him the full truth (which is actually the truth, minus the bit about looking at the condoms a month or so ago, not because I want to hide it but it just complicates the story and I want it to be easy to understand.) So this is what happened. Tell me if you think it is a good idea to tell him this? 1) I looked in his overnight bag for the first time because I wanted to see what kind of deodorant he used. This sounds stupid but it is actually true. It is the most amazing smell when mixed with his normal body smell and I can't get enough of it. 2) I saw the condom box poking out from a back pocket in that compartment. I was curious (rightly so) because we haven't been using condoms for a while-- I am on the pill. So I wondered why he had these and why he had never told me about them when I had been the one buying condoms. So, I looked in the box and noticed 4 were missing. 3) I was curious and a little concerned. I decided to look in his main bag to see if he had put them in there, maybe to "be prepared" in case he didn't have his overnight bag with him. I looked in a pocket that I thought would be likely to contain the condoms and I saw a pill case and a script for Ritalin. This is really how it happened, with time compressed a little bit for simplicity. Of course the curiosity to snoop was also a reason I looked in his bag in the first place, but I really was interested in the deodorant. At this point my theory on the condoms is that they were old, from his last relationship (the box was pretty beat up) and that he put it in his bag one day after finding it in his house, thinking we could use them if needed. Then we ran out of condoms and I didn't buy more, and he didn't say anything, because he probably prefers not use one (what guy doesn't?) This is just my theory of course but I trust him and am satisfied with it. I don't think he gave any to his friends because his friends... well... they don't get laid too often. So like I said, I am not concerned about the condoms, but I guess I should tell him the whole story so he understands my motivations. I also just talked to him on the phone and he isn't coming back until tonight to get his bags (we are going out with friends tonight and he has some car problems he has to take care of so he is just leaving his stuff here.) So, I feel like if he leaves his bags here ALL day, it is less of an offense that I snooped, and he might be less upset. Because really, if you have someone's bag in your house all day, I think anybody would get curious about what's in it, and someone who isn't so good at controlling their curiosity might let it get the best of them. Anyway I know this is a ton of words for a relatively minor issue but this place is great to get advice and opinions. What do you think about this? Should I tell him the story how I explained it in this post or is that a bad idea?
Author endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Oh, come on now, you know that was not why you were in there. You don't have to lie to us. Why do you care if he is taking medication? If I was taking something, I wouldn't find it necessary to tell my SO unless it had some kind of awful side affect that I felt the need to explain. I know the deodorant thing sounds ridiculous... but seriously, it's true. The first thing I did when I opened the bag was take out his deodorant, smell it, and note the name. I've told him a ton of times how awesome it smells and asked what kind it was but he never really knew the exact name of it. As far as the medication, I don't care in the sense that it changes anything or affects anything. It doesn't at all... in fact if anything it makes things easier now that I know. The problem is that I feel guilty for knowing when he clearly didn't want me to, and I feel like it's hard to interact normally with someone when you know some "secret" they don't know that you know. Not that it is actually a "secret" but it's personal info that he didn't want me to know.
saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 this one seems good: A while ago I saw the condom box poking out from a back pocket in that compartment. I was curious (rightly so) because we haven't been using condoms for a while-- I am on the pill. So I wondered why he had these and why he had never told me about them when I had been the one buying condoms. So, I looked in the box and noticed 4 were missing. My curiousity took the best of me and I decided to look in his main bag to see if he had put them in there, maybe to "be prepared" in case he didn't have his overnight bag with him. I looked in a pocket that I thought would be likely to contain the condoms and I saw a pill case and a script for Ritalin. the end. the truth is out.
whichwayisup Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I am a chronic snooper, not with boyfriends only but with everyone. It is rude and unfair to people, I understand that, but ever since I was a kid I have had this insatiable curiosity and I just like to look through people's things... Talking about honesty and you wanting him to tell you about the meds he's taking - Well, start off by being honest yourself. Tell him that you're a chronic snooper - You owe him the truth about this because it's been a part of who you are for many years. When you snoop, you find stuff out you're not supposed to - Sometimes (like cheating etc) it's helpful and but most of the time if someone doesn't tell their deepest secrets to their partner, there's a reason for that and EVERYONE deserves privacy. Everyone deserve their time frame to open up and share. Snooping is not the way to go. Have you ever thought about therapy to help you to stop snooping? If this continues it could ruin friendships, and relationships..I know I wouldn't like it if any of my friends went through my personal stuff or looked in my purse. It's just common respect not to do that.
porter218 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 okay so if you had lets say schizophrenia or bioplar disease you wouldn't mention it.. a mental disease or even an STD you may have caught or HERPES need to be put out there! STDs are another story, those are something you can pass to a partner and you are morally bound to tell them. And any sort of psychological disorder you would have side affects of the medication I was talking about that are necessary to disclose...or even the effects of the disorder itself. But many people have mundane prescriptions for nothing important. I come from a family of doctors so in my travel bags you will find a lot of random prescriptions just in the off chance I may need them one day or leftover from an old RX. Many of them I don't take.
Author endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Talking about honesty and you wanting him to tell you about the meds he's taking - Well, start off by being honest yourself. Tell him that you're a chronic snooper - You owe him the truth about this because it's been a part of who you are for many years. When you snoop, you find stuff out you're not supposed to - Sometimes (like cheating etc) it's helpful and but most of the time if someone doesn't tell their deepest secrets to their partner, there's a reason for that and EVERYONE deserves privacy. Everyone deserve their time frame to open up and share. Snooping is not the way to go. Have you ever thought about therapy to help you to stop snooping? If this continues it could ruin friendships, and relationships..I know I wouldn't like it if any of my friends went through my personal stuff or looked in my purse. It's just common respect not to do that. Yes, I agree with what you said about snooping... I am under no delusions that it is OK or that I have any real legit excuses for it. I may have REASONS that I snoop but they are not excuses. I have been thinking for a while about starting therapy. I don't have any major mental issues but I do have some self esteem problems, and I worry more than is neccesary, so I have been thinking about just having someone to talk to and work through those issues might be good. I feel like if I stopped worrying and felt better about myself, maybe the snooping would lessen. It's not paranoia that makes me snoop, it's curiosity, but I think that I just feel the need to know everything I can about things, including people. The internet is weird for this because of Myspace, Facebook, etc... that in itself satisfies a lot of my curiosity because you can see so much of what is going on in people's lives. But sometimes if I have the opportunity I just want to look through their belongings and see who they are. Like when I was a kid, I would read my sister's diary... she never knew about it. It was definitely wrong and a total invasion of her privacy. So, I know it's an issue I should work on. But considering that I have never done any other kind of snooping in regards to my BF (it is just this one issue with the bags) I am wary of telling him about it being a chronic issue because I really don't want him not to trust me. I feel like after this issue I will restrain myself from any more snooping related to him... I am SO curious but the point of a relationship is to get to know each other on each other's terms, not your own terms by snooping. So I would like to think I won't do it again, so I don't feel like it's productive to tell him it's a chronic thing... in fact I haven't really snooped in a while other than this... I mean sometimes if I am in people's houses, using their bathroom or whatever I will look at all the products and things they have out because I think it's really interesting to see how a person is by the things they use from day to day. But it's all out in the open, so I don't think that counts as snooping...
saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 But many people have mundane prescriptions for nothing important. I come from a family of doctors so my travel bags you will find a lot of random prescriptions just in the off chance I may need them one day or leftover from an old RX. Many of them I don't take. well ya if it's migrane pills or your low-dose pain pills for like a back ache is another thing, I totally agree with you on that.
mortensorchid Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 You are a chronic snooper? Maybe it's not the items found, but you might want to consider why you're doing this to begin with. Do you look through other people's things whether or not they are your boyfriend's or friend's? Would you look through a stranger's things? And why do you do it? Just because you can? Maybe you should consider this thought. Maybe a therapist will help you with it. Just a suggestion.
Author endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 STDs are another story, those are something you can pass to a partner and you are morally bound to tell them. And any sort of psychological disorder you would have side affects of the medication I was talking about that are necessary to disclose...or even the effects of the disorder itself. But many people have mundane prescriptions for nothing important. I come from a family of doctors so in my travel bags you will find a lot of random prescriptions just in the off chance I may need them one day or leftover from an old RX. Many of them I don't take. I guess the thing with the Ritalin is that there are some issues in our relationship that keep coming up, and now I understand that they are most likely caused by symptoms of ADD. I think knowing this is kind of different than if I had just found a script for some mundane thing like a blood pressure medication or an allergy med or something... who cares about those. I wouldn't expect anyone to tell me if they were taking Allegra or whatever, I would just be like "ok..." but in this case it is a little different. It makes a lot of sense that he would have ADD and I have kind of suspected it from the time that he mentioned he had learning disabilites as a kid (I also suspected he was dyslexic which turned out to be right.) I do not think he has severe ADD, since he's pretty normal overall but he does have a LOT of trouble with always being late, and not being able to plan ahead or make the best use of his time. I feel like knowing it is caused by a disorder out of his control, and that he is trying to control it with meds, will make me more understanding of the issues and try harder to accept them. But there's a problem in communication if I know he has ADD but he doesn't know that I know...
porter218 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Is this rx for Ritalin even current? Many doctors have moved on from that outdated drug and use more advanced relatives of it. You don't often see new scripts of that stuff.
Author endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 You are a chronic snooper? Maybe it's not the items found, but you might want to consider why you're doing this to begin with. Do you look through other people's things whether or not they are your boyfriend's or friend's? Would you look through a stranger's things? And why do you do it? Just because you can? Maybe you should consider this thought. Maybe a therapist will help you with it. Just a suggestion. I think the best explanation I have for my snooping is that I have an incredibly strong curiosity about EVERYTHING and I constantly want to attain knowledge. This is great when it comes to learning new things and enriching my life but it becomes a problem when I want to know things about people. I don't think I would look through a stranger's things because I wouldn't know them at all to want to know more. When I am at someone's house I do not look through drawers or anything like that but I pay attention to all the items they have out in their house because I believe that those things say a lot about a person. I think I just desire to know people well and to have connections with them, and so I observe the things they have and do, etc. I notice things like people's to-do lists on the walls, or the products and knick nacks they have. One of my favorite things to do is write fiction and so I think my brain is kind of wired for tiny details and knowing things about people from those details... because you need them to build a story. So it's not always outright snooping but just the intense desire to KNOW things makes me notice the details...
Author endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Is this rx for Ritalin even current? Many doctors have moved on from that outdated drug and use more advanced relatives of it. You don't often see new scripts of that stuff. Yes it was dated 7-7-08... so he JUST got it refilled. The pills were a generic version of Ritalin. EDIT: From other cues I have had I think he has been on this for a long time. I imagine it works for him so they keep him on it. He doesn't seem to have any side effects or anything from it.
porter218 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Just ask him if he has ADD next time you spend any length of time with him...like a whole day. He will just think his behavior tipped you off and I am sure he will be truthful. It really isn't a big deal. But you do need to ween yourself off of this snooping because you may screw this relationship up in the future. It is going to make you look paranoid and that is not an attractive trait in a gf.
Author endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Just ask him if he has ADD next time you spend any length of time with him...like a whole day. He will just think his behavior tipped you off and I am sure he will be truthful. It really isn't a big deal. But you do need to ween yourself off of this snooping because you may screw this relationship up in the future. It is going to make you look paranoid and that is not an attractive trait in a gf. So in your opinion I shouldn't tell him I snooped? I think if I want to go this route, it will be easy enough to ask him if he has ADD. He's given me enough clues, like talking about learning disabilities and not being able to pay attention as a kid, plus his usual behavior of being late and having problems scheduling. Especially because he has to do a ton of school work these next couple weeks I am sure I will have ample opportunity to bring it up. My best friend growing up was also ADD and dyslexic so I understand the problems involved and I can recognize some of the behavior. So you think this is a better idea than telling him I snooped? I don't want him to get paranoid and not trust me. I know he is careful because his last GF was a nightmare, but we are finally to the point where he is letting down his walls and is really putting all his heart into the relationship. I do NOT want to screw that up! He is such a sweet, wonderful guy and I care so much for him.
saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Obviously you just want to do what you want to hear. Look you've been dishonest period. What are you going to do next time you want to snoop? If you don't deal with the consequences when are you going to learn-- sooner or later your going to get into a heap of trouble for this. Hope you do the right thing.
Author endlesstrains Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Obviously you just want to do what you want to hear. What are you talking about? I am listening to everyone's advice, but I am getting conflicting opinions so I am asking people to clarify. You think I should tell him, porter thinks I shouldn't. I haven't made a choice yet and I don't know WHAT I want to do. How have I in any way made it sound like I am just looking for a certain answer? I think I am being very honest in this thread about myself and my reasons for doing what I did and I have even agreed that I could use therapy. I am just debating out loud here the pros and cons to help me decide what to do. I'm kind of insulted that you think I am just looking for support on whatever decision I made (I guess you are saying I decided not to tell him?) and won't listen to anyone else. I have tried to be honest and consider everyone's opinion in every response I have made to this thread.
saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 In the begining you wanted to tell him half truth and now that you found a way around it you'd appealed to you. Sorry if the past remark sounded condescending that was not my intention- I just love it how computer set out the wrong tone. However if you want to beat around the bush go right ahead in the end it's your desicion.
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