saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Well my husband and I had this drunken conversation and he mentioned to me that he felt tied between two sides. He wants to be single (not to screw other women but to be able to what he wants when he wants) but be married too. He says that the single life is a much simpler life (you know you don't have a wife to be telling you what is what and when is when..etc.) but he loves his family. My question is: Do men generally feel like this when in a long term relationship? It's not that you want to do other people it's just the fact that you know it's easier! Hope you can help. FYI: -We are both young (basically married right out of highschool) -If you've read my previous posts we are experiencing some difficulties in our relationship at the moment, in a nutshell: i discovered secret emails and profiles to sex sites for discreet sex. -He also re-mentioned his delimma to me after when I was sober a few days later. -He has mentioned to me that and I quote to the effect of : "I feel really bad for what i've done and I hate seeing you hurt and know that I hurt you and I think you should think about us seperating because you see me everyday and I see how much your hurt and you cry all the time and there is nothing I can do"-- my reply was something to the effect of: "well I have been thinking about it but I do not want to seperate I want to make this work, however if it is you that wants to go then go you shall because I will not hold you down".. After that conversation I do (we do) feel like we've made a progress. Baby steps. To conclude my post my final and primary question (which is more directed to men since I want a man's point of view) is: ***MEN: In a longterm relationship do you feel like you want to be single but still with your family? How did you deal with it (my husband wants to know because he wants to stay)?***
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I think you have some serious marriage problems hidden in this "drunken" conversation! Look at what you said he said! "He says that the single life is a much simpler life (you know you don't have a wife to be telling you what is what and when is when..etc.) but he loves his family." Sounds like he cannot stand your control or he really doesn't like you anymore and is just staying for the family! Meaning he just loves the kids and is done with you! At least that is what it sounds like to me! you two may need to reallly work on your marriage and not get drunk!
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 I think you have some serious marriage problems hidden in this "drunken" conversation! Look at what you said he said! "He says that the single life is a much simpler life (you know you don't have a wife to be telling you what is what and when is when..etc.) but he loves his family." Sounds like he cannot stand your control or he really doesn't like you anymore and is just staying for the family! Meaning he just loves the kids and is done with you! At least that is what it sounds like to me! you two may need to reallly work on your marriage and not get drunk! agh don't get things out of proportion : i hate computers for this. Oh heavens to betsy; I am not controlling really he could tell you that! I am a laid back wife really and I do not nag because I hate that. And I don't remember conversations word by word that is why I said "to the effect of" because this is from MY POV of how he said things, drunken or not i'm not the best to remember conversations. It's just that he wants to go 4 wheeling and mudding whenever and be with his friends more often, do guy stuff, work out..etc.
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 well, what about this you wrote above? If you've read my previous posts we are experiencing some difficulties in our relationship at the moment, in a nutshell: i discovered secret emails and profiles to sex sites for discreet sex. well, what would have happened if yo didn't catch him? would he be bringing home diseases or falling in love with someone else?! he is a cheater, and whether he cheated or not, he had the intention and that makes it just as bad! are you sure he didnt screw another lady and just pretented to say he didnt get that far? All the clues you post here point to a marriage that needs help!!! just anaylizing what you typed!
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Oh yes I totally agree with you the intention alone is harmful yet very hurtful to our marriage. Truth be told I don't know whether or not he did follow through with the other women and i'll know once he passes the polygraph test (damn those things are EXPENSIVE so we're saving up). And I know without a doubt our marriage needs help what I'm looking for at the moment is a man's point of view of what I asked thats all. Thankyou for your concern, have a nice day.
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 to answer you better to this: ***MEN: In a longterm relationship do you feel like you want to be single but still with your family? How did you deal with it (my husband wants to know because he wants to stay)?*** My point of view is that if a guy wants to be single, he doesnt want to be married any more to his current wife! And if wants to be with his family but wants to be single, he just doesnt want to disrupt the family! i bet if you offered to divorce but still live together with the kids, he would be all for it! or if you offered an open marriage! how do you deal with it? Poop or get off the pot, thats how! Tell him 'either make this marriage work or lets just get divorced!' an expensive lie detector test?! are you kidding! Sounds like money is an object to you, which may be another reason he doesnt leave - Cant afford it! if you both had the money, i bet yo would e long divorced! and you dont trust him enogh to believ him so you ar doing the test? I bet he knows he's guilty and knows yo ucant afford the test, so thats his way of bluffing! he wants yo uto say "well, i guess since you agreed to it, you have nothing to fear...thus you must be tellling the truth!" my bet is, he's lying! all the signs are there! make sure you design those questions WELL and he approves them so he doesnt talk his way out of it when you find the truth! what kind of couple goes through lie detector tests anyway?! sounds like a bigger problem lurking around!
Lizzie60 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Well my husband and I had this drunken conversation and he mentioned to me that he felt tied between two sides. He wants to be single (not to screw other women but to be able to what he wants when he wants) but be married too. He says that the single life is a much simpler life (you know you don't have a wife to be telling you what is what and when is when..etc.) but he loves his family. My question is: Do men generally feel like this when in a long term relationship? It's not that you want to do other people it's just the fact that you know it's easier! Hope you can help. FYI: -We are both young (basically married right out of highschool) -If you've read my previous posts we are experiencing some difficulties in our relationship at the moment, in a nutshell: i discovered secret emails and profiles to sex sites for discreet sex. -He also re-mentioned his delimma to me after when I was sober a few days later. -He has mentioned to me that and I quote to the effect of : "I feel really bad for what i've done and I hate seeing you hurt and know that I hurt you and I think you should think about us seperating because you see me everyday and I see how much your hurt and you cry all the time and there is nothing I can do"-- my reply was something to the effect of: "well I have been thinking about it but I do not want to seperate I want to make this work, however if it is you that wants to go then go you shall because I will not hold you down".. After that conversation I do (we do) feel like we've made a progress. Baby steps. To conclude my post my final and primary question (which is more directed to men since I want a man's point of view) is: ***MEN: In a longterm relationship do you feel like you want to be single but still with your family? How did you deal with it (my husband wants to know because he wants to stay)?*** Yeah right.. as if you were stupid or something.. of course he wants to be single to scr*w other women.. especially since he's visiting porn sites or maybe 'chatting' or 'dating' sites... This is another thing I don't get, especially now days, why would a wife has to tell her H what is what and when is when... are men that stupid? Women are such doormats sometimes that they allow that and then complain about it.. so I guess men, in general, have to be treated like children. I haven't read any responses yet.. but if a guy says that 'NO' he never thought about being single .. then I call BS.. because I think every women and every men.. will think that at one point .. but if they get 'obsessed' and 'act' like they're being single.. then there's a huge problem. I am a very pessimistic person when it comes to this kind of problem... I don't see how a LT couple can work things out in reverse.. what's done is done ... and IMO, cannot be revert to the 'good old days'... ever.
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Thanks for the response. Also Arise he is the one that suggested the test so I agreed to it. Another thing we've already spoken about divorce and in my drunken mess I did mention an open marriage and he freaked and said no- he's a jealous man (afterall men are territorial). He does not want to seperate jeeze man you just like twisting things around: money is an object to me? - oh man how did you even get that- you don't even know how I am, I am the least materialistic girl on the planet, I mean sure I do enjoy new things from time to time but I'm not hung over it at all. And as for money we are doing well, we are not in debt at all and are finances are handeld meticiously so that is not the issue. and HELLO we are trying to make this work you big oaf that is why I am here trying to post all the questions and going to counciling to get the help and tools we need. Grr. I don't know what it is about you that makes me so upset but you just do.
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Yeah right.. as if you were stupid or something.. of course he wants to be single to scr*w other women.. especially since he's visiting porn sites or maybe 'chatting' or 'dating' sites... i too believe that but he's too scared or whatever to admit to it after the whole mess come to light. bottomline: we both want to work things out. period end of story.
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 i too believe that but he's too scared or whatever to admit to it after the whole mess come to light. bottomline: we both want to work things out. period end of story. if you didn't have children i'd bet you'd be divorced! There is a difference to thinking about being single and telling your partner you wish you were single! how brought up the whole single thing first?!
Lizzie60 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 i too believe that but he's too scared or whatever to admit to it after the whole mess come to light. bottomline: we both want to work things out. period end of story. That's why he came with the idea of the polygraph... he knows very well that it's expensive and chances are you won't go with it after all... and for your information, good liars CAN fool the test... so it's no guarantee... only a money 'scam' IMO.
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 That's why he came with the idea of the polygraph... he knows very well that it's expensive and chances are you won't go with it after all... and for your information, good liars CAN fool the test... so it's no guarantee... only a money 'scam' IMO. i totally agree! typical man bluff! and watch! if any of the results go against him, he will be back peddling like a frog in reverse! "I was nervous!" "That question was too ambiguous!" "I must have thought about it so much my brain thought it was true!" "i had a dream of it! thats why!"
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 if you didn't have children i'd bet you'd be divorced! There is a difference to thinking about being single and telling your partner you wish you were single! how brought up the whole single thing first?! we have one girl and she's only one and she isn't very close to her dad anyways she's all mommy mommy mommy (great stage by the way). Arg. Well in the intoxicated conversation I started to talk about what he did it went something like this: Me: "why did you do it?--I mean you hurt me so much, I thought out of all the guys out there I could've trusted you since you were so against lying and cheating" Him: "i was curious really one day a pop up came and I just started clicking it became like an addiction, I just wanted to know if "i still had it", blah blah blah...." Me: "well what else am I supposed to think I mean I really don't believe that you didn't have sex with the other women no matter what you say or do" Him: "well it's just that I feel tied between the two. I want to be able to go out and have fun with my friends, work out,go to the bar, mudding but I also want to be with you and shayla and I'm happy I'm a family man I feel so lucky just being with you that you gave me another chance I love you with all my heart blah blah blah--spilling of love and stuff..." Me: "Well what is that you want?? You want to be single, get a divorce? Do you want an open marriage??" Him: "No I want you and just you..I just want what the single life gives but I want to be married to you." So thats how it went from what I remember. Then a few days later he told me that he wanted to talk about what we talked about clearly since I was sober and he wanted to get his feelings out and learn how to fight this feeling he has.
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 i wish you posted that earlier! i really feel bad for you and i hope you work it out!
Lizzie60 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Conversations while intoxicated is never good.. although most of the time, some truths come out of them.. I honestly think that your husband is a typical liar and that if he hasn't already cheated.. he is on the verge to... I also read on another thread that you are doing his lunch... geeezz... methink you're acting too 'motherly' with him.. and he feels bored with you and needs some kind of excitement.... Just stop being his mother and put your foot down..
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Just stop being his mother and put your foot down.. Oh jeeze Lizzie I am affectionate and I do admit I do things for him and go out of my way but that doesn't bother me I like doing things for him- lol motherly just sounds perverted. Put my foot down? There have been "new rules" per say and well now the relationship has taken a different toll. Thanks Arise- finally an understanding!fewf
Walk Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 He wants to be single... He says that the single life is a much simpler life... When did the dating sites etc start happening? After you were pregnant, or before? The one and only time I felt like your husband claims to feel was when I believed my needs and wants were coming last in the relationship over an extended period of time. It forced me to become more self-reliant, which in turn created distance and loss of love (on my part). At that point, being single seemed far easier since I was already taking care of my own needs and felt resentful for having to give to someone else when I wasn't getting what I wanted. I thought I read somewhere that men tend to have a difficult time adjusting to being placed in a much lower pecking order after the child is born. That there's a tendency for women to be less attentive to her husband which leaves the guy feeling secondary, or last in line, to get anything he wants.
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 When did the dating sites etc start happening? After you were pregnant, or before?. Oh heck it was created on April of this year; he only had it up until I found out early June! I don't know if I really agree with you Walk i'm still very attentive to his needs (but then again that's from my prespective).
Walk Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Oh heck it was created on april of this year. he only had it up until i found out early June! I don't know if I really aggree with you Walk i'm still very attentive to his needs (but then again that's from my prespective). I understand that. But I also know that having a one year old can take a great deal of effort, and that HE may feel like he's secondary. Or the potential exists that you're not showing him in ways that would make him feel as though he's still loved as much as before your child came into the picture? Its just a thought... I liked it far better then the other alternative. Which is he wants to have sex with other women, and wants to keep you on the side too. He wants the safety of marriage, and the lust and excitment of being single. Are you two going to counseling? And if not, why?
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Its just a thought... I liked it far better then the other alternative. Which is he wants to have sex with other women, and wants to keep you on the side too. He wants the safety of marriage, and the lust and excitment of being single. Are you two going to counseling? And if not, why? Yessir we are starting next week- I already made an appt for us. After this chaos happened I wanted to make sure I wanted to stick to it or not but now that I'm sure I do (it's been a few weeks since it's happened) counciling will give us the tools we need in order to fix this mess. This site has also been remarkably awsome. And to the other alternative: that I do believe sounds true since the whole profile crap. However I've asked him this several times if that wasn't the case and he says no- he does not act defensive or gets angry (by the way). Well I'm going out on a limb here and trusting him.
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