MinusTwo Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Hello all, I don't really even know where to begin. I met a great girl, who at the time was 2 months pregnant. Her boyfriend had died, and she found out she was pregnant 2 weeks after his death. I wanted to hear about her story, and I wondered why she was so strong. I guess that's what really attracted me to her. FFWD: We've been dating for about 5 months. She's an amazing person, I can't find anything I don't like about her. She's going to give her child to adoptive parents that she's chosen. She had made that decision when she decided to have the baby rather than abort. I like her a lot, and everything is going great. However, I don't really know if I can fully fall in love with her. I know this sounds incredibly selfish and immature, but it's a hard situation for me. It's hard knowing that she is having another mans baby. You know? I mean, even though he is passed, she will always have that link to him through their daughter. Of course I've never told her any of this, and I try to be as supportive as possible. I'll be there for her through everything, and I'll be with her in the delivery room. Can anyone offer some advice or share some wisdom to help me get over my selfish thoughts? I guess if I were older, dating a mother would not be as bad. But I'm only 25, and I guess I'm old fashioned in the sense that I would like to share having a child for the 'first' time with the woman I'm going to be with. I realize I may be jumping the gun, as we have only been dating 5 months. But I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not her as I care a great deal about her. Maybe I just need a slap in the face? Thanks everyone!
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 you dont know if you can fully fall in love with her?! Well, then you probalby cant! I THINK the baby is clouding your feelings! the baby probalby has NOTHING to do with your feelings! be a man and move on! nothing to be guilty about! be her friend! not a false lover!
Author MinusTwo Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 you dont know if you can fully fall in love with her?! Well, then you probalby cant! I THINK the baby is clouding your feelings! the baby probalby has NOTHING to do with your feelings! be a man and move on! nothing to be guilty about! be her friend! not a false lover! Well, like I said, maybe I'm jumping the gun. Because after all, it has only been 5 months, which I don't feel is long enough for me to know if I'm going to fall in love with someone or not. However, I do know that it is holding me back from feeling as strongly for her as I would were she not pregnant. Yeah, maybe I should be just a friend to her. But it's hard because I've grown quite attached to her. I am genuinely into her, and I could definitely see a future with her. I think maybe I'm just being an immature jerk for letting something like this bother me... ugh.
Shygirl15 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 You are only 25??? Who said 25 was young? And yes, you're being so very selfish. This girl already lost the father of her child, you got involved with her knowing she's carrying another person's child, and now you're about to abandon her because her poor innocent child is blocking your way to fully fall in love with her mother!! You shouldn't have got involved with her in 1st place. And that guy Arise something is giving you the selfishiest advice I have ever heard. But then maybe you're both only 25..
Enema Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 So you started dating her what... a month after the father of her unborn baby died? She sure moves on quick...
Author MinusTwo Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 I started dating her close to three months after her bf died. And we have been moving quite slow. We are still not "in a relationship" as she is not ready yet. She still breaks down crying and goes through depressed phases about his death every now and then. Which kind of puts me in an awkward position.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I started dating her close to three months after her bf died. And we have been moving quite slow. We are still not "in a relationship" as she is not ready yet. She still breaks down crying and goes through depressed phases about his death every now and then. Which kind of puts me in an awkward position. Uh, yeah because she is pregnant with his child and he passed away before even hearing he was the father! I'd be crushed if that happened as well. That being said, I also think even 3 months was WAY too soon for her to start seeing someone, even if its just slow moving. I think you need to just be there for her as a friend, as she is def. not emotional capable of being involved romantically with anyone. Oh and you think things are goign to get better when she has the baby and gives it up for adoption? Def. not! If anything, things will probably get worse because she will go through a great deal of remorse over losing her baby AND her boyfriend. Be supportive as a friend, that's what she needs right now.
StartingOver07 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 MT, I think this girl has shown a lot of character inthe choices she has made. While she still has some emotional hurdles to clear, I di believe things will get better for her after she has the baby and the adoption is behind her. I don't mean that it will be quick or easy, but that this is undoubtably the most difficult time for her. Yes, be a friend to her now, but consider your future carefully. Are the positive qualities this woman has outweighed by the fact that she chose not to abort her child?
ntucci12 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Hello all, I don't really even know where to begin. I met a great girl, who at the time was 2 months pregnant. Her boyfriend had died, and she found out she was pregnant 2 weeks after his death. I wanted to hear about her story, and I wondered why she was so strong. I guess that's what really attracted me to her. FFWD: We've been dating for about 5 months. She's an amazing person, I can't find anything I don't like about her. She's going to give her child to adoptive parents that she's chosen. She had made that decision when she decided to have the baby rather than abort. I like her a lot, and everything is going great. However, I don't really know if I can fully fall in love with her. I know this sounds incredibly selfish and immature, but it's a hard situation for me. It's hard knowing that she is having another mans baby. You know? I mean, even though he is passed, she will always have that link to him through their daughter. Of course I've never told her any of this, and I try to be as supportive as possible. I'll be there for her through everything, and I'll be with her in the delivery room. Can anyone offer some advice or share some wisdom to help me get over my selfish thoughts? I guess if I were older, dating a mother would not be as bad. But I'm only 25, and I guess I'm old fashioned in the sense that I would like to share having a child for the 'first' time with the woman I'm going to be with. I realize I may be jumping the gun, as we have only been dating 5 months. But I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not her as I care a great deal about her. Maybe I just need a slap in the face? Thanks everyone! I like the idea that youre planning ahead. The question comes down to your definition of love in comparison to the past. This scenario is different than most because the father has passed. I think that thought of someone elses baby is something that will easily pass once you decide to jump the hurdle ( if and when you do) Stay strong compare this relationship to ones in your past in order to deterimine if this one has that extra ummph that is required for a healthy marriage. As men it is hard to look at things from the side of the fairer sex. If we get a girl pregnant we can still run off and do whatever and pay minimal consequences for it. Women on the other hand must be the responisble ones. You show good insight for posting this concern/question. Im sure youll make the right choice. Only you can possibly know what is right for you! MUCH LOVE~
Lauriebell82 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I like the idea that youre planning ahead. The question comes down to your definition of love in comparison to the past. This scenario is different than most because the father has passed. I think that thought of someone elses baby is something that will easily pass once you decide to jump the hurdle ( if and when you do) Stay strong compare this relationship to ones in your past in order to deterimine if this one has that extra ummph that is required for a healthy marriage. As men it is hard to look at things from the side of the fairer sex. If we get a girl pregnant we can still run off and do whatever and pay minimal consequences for it. Women on the other hand must be the responisble ones. You show good insight for posting this concern/question. Im sure youll make the right choice. Only you can possibly know what is right for you! MUCH LOVE~ The original poster didn't get her pregnant, her deceased ex bf is the father of her child. That's why I think that she is emotioanlly fragile right now and not ready for anything serious. In the future could she be? YES. But right now I think she needs a freind, not a boyfriend.
Author MinusTwo Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Thank you everyone for your advice. I talked to her about it, and pretty much asked her if it would be better if we were just friends. I explained to her that I feel I could better be there for her, so that she could be completely open about her feelings, and talk about her deceased ex bf without feeling like she's making it awkward for me. She however, said that she likes the way we are, and that shes extremely happy she met me when she did. Her step dad told me that she had not smiled since his death until she met me, which makes me feel good. This is such a confusing situation to me. And yes, I know that's selfish to say. But I feel like I've been pretty understanding on my end. I mean, I am dating someone who is pregnant with another mans baby. I guess I just realize that no matter what, even after she gives her baby up for adoption she will always have that strong connection with her deceased ex through their baby. To ShyGirl: Yes, I'm 'only' 25. What I meant by that, was that I am still plenty young enough to date around and find someone who hasn't had a child, whereas if I were in, say my 40's or 50's it might be a little harder to find someone who does not already have a child.
Recommended Posts