Living Together: Doing Your Best to Make It Work

[Lauriebell82]

Well..."no money" is relative. I have a CD that I can draw from to tide me over until I found work. I don't think I'd end up destitute. My family would help me if it got to that point. I won't make choices that would leave me unable to earn an income; in fact, the place I'm freelancing now is going to have me working remotely through August on projects.

 

We met at an academic conference in NYC. I have met his closest friends and felt satisfied that they are of good character. I felt good around them. We've seen each other both in CO and NYC each month for 1 week each and we've gone on a 3-day trip to Wash DC together. He's coming this Friday to help me move and meet my mother and my friends and see my mom's house, where I grew up.

 

He's talked to several of his friends, who hold prominent positions, about helping me find a job.

 

You need to line up a job BEFORE moving. Being dependent on HIM to help you find a job leaves you vulnerable as well. If you break up you will have no money to support yourself. Like I said before, if you get in fights he may very well use your current situation against you (e.g. well I pay for everything in this apartment, blah, blah, ect).

 

I have been in a position with no money. My bf and I battled it out a few times due to my lack of money while we WEREN'T living together. It's not easy to fully support another person..yeah sure he thinks that it's okay NOW, but I'm sure he is going to end up getting drained when he has to foot the bill for two people all the time.

[Zapbasket]

No, I meant it. It sounds a little better in that if it doesn't work out you're not left destitute. That was my main concern for you.

 

Having said that, I don't want to be negative or put a damper on things but I don't give this very good odds. Something's not feeling right to me about it.

 

Has he ever had other relationships with this age disparity.

 

All I know is when I got out of that one, I said "Never again." I mean all of our issues weren't only because of the age difference but I do blame a lot of it on that fact. He wanted a submissive, young and naive girl and that's what he got. Once I was a little older and started questioning him and gaining confidence and "finding my voice" things started to deteriorate.

 

I worry that you're not equals. Is their a father/daughter element here?

 

The thing is that this might not be readily apparent to you now as you're in the "honeymoon phase." That's why I said proceed with caution.

 

Keep your eyes open.

 

Think about his past history. It can be telling.

 

Thanks Touche. I think if he wanted naive and submissive, he'd not have pursued me. I'm a very FORGIVING person, or so friends tell me, but I don't think he expects to pull any wool over my eyes. He has said on numerous occasions that he feels very much that I am his intellectual equal and he treats me, and my concerns, as though that is truly his perception.

 

As for father/daughter dynamic. Not. at. all. He looks and acts like a much younger man. He has a certain joie de vivre that most older men lose, if they ever had it. I definitely would not have pursued this relationship if I felt there was that dynamic going on.

[kivabeach]

OMG, wow. I hope you don't find this offensive, but what do you two have in common? Are you sure you're not using this man?

 

Hi stargazer...

 

We have sooo much in common. We have more in common than any of his other partners.

 

We love the outdoors and spend a lot of time in Tahoe. He is very active for his age and can do more than one would think. We love the same music, food, comedy, travel. We never have a dull conversation. We have great sex. We have the same values. We try not to take life so seriously. We laugh a lot. We generally want the same things.

 

I am sure i am not using him. I was very hesitant when he first offered "paying" for dinner, but over time, i realize that he WANTS to because he can. My good friend is fully supporting her man and they are the same age. i think when you really care about someone and really want them in your life, you are more than happy to provide for them. We both know its not forever, and that eventually I will be doing well for myself. Once I finish school and land a good job, we'd buy a house together. I dont enjoy being supported, but it is just the dynamics of our realtionship at this time.

[Touche]

You make a good point, TBF. While *trying* not to over-analyze, I've nevertheless got my mental 'character calculators' working hard for me as I don't want to get too involved for too long if his character isn't strong enough for me. I have been very assertive in the relationship so far, and I do expect to feel a bit cowed once I move, as I'll be far from my support network, but I'm hoping my determination NOT to waste any more time with not-up-to-par men if I can help it will keep my radar going strong, so I can split if the situation proves to be untenable.

 

Thank you for this. I'm going to file your comment away to use it if I find myself about to accept circumstances that are unacceptable.

 

I think I'll know pretty clearly what's what afte rthe 2-3 month mark.

 

This is what's bothering me about all of this. You're putting the cart before the horse.

 

Shouldn't be sure of "what's what" as you say, BEFORE moving in with someone.

 

This is backwards.

 

I think you're letting the financial motivations here blind your good judgment.

[Touche]

Thanks Touche. I think if he wanted naive and submissive, he'd not have pursued me. I'm a very FORGIVING person, or so friends tell me, but I don't think he expects to pull any wool over my eyes. He has said on numerous occasions that he feels very much that I am his intellectual equal and he treats me, and my concerns, as though that is truly his perception.

 

As for father/daughter dynamic. Not. at. all. He looks and acts like a much younger man. He has a certain joie de vivre that most older men lose, if they ever had it. I definitely would not have pursued this relationship if I felt there was that dynamic going on.

 

I know. I wouldn't have either but you can't always see it when you're in that honeymoon phase. That was my whole point.

 

I'm bringing it up so that you can just be aware of it. I'm not saying that dynamic is necessarily there. But odds are not in your favor on this one.

[Zapbasket]

This is what's bothering me about all of this. You're putting the cart before the horse.

 

Shouldn't be sure of "what's what" as you say, BEFORE moving in with someone.

 

This is backwards.

 

I think you're letting the financial motivations here blind your good judgment.

 

 

If I were heeding my financial motivations, I'd not be moving at all. With my ex, I refused to move in with him until I was in a better place financially (at the time I'd just finished grad school--in the humanities, no less, which is not exactly lucrative--and only JUST started my job). My stubbornness with him on this point, while coming from a good place, was also motivated by my inability to let down my guard and accept help from people. I never ask for help. I realized with my new boyfriend that if I did the same, I'd have to forclose on this relationship as the LD thing just isn't something I want to do again. I'm taking a huge risk, but I do feel I can land on my feet as long as I stay strong and pull the plug as soon as I find that it won't work. I have satisfactory evidence, for now, suggesting that it will work. Otherwise I'd not move. I didn't take the leap in my previous relationship, and this time I feel like I can afford (emotionally) to take the leap.

[Touche]

You know, I'm one for taking chances myself. I believe that without risk there's no reward.

 

But do assess the risk.

 

I just went and looked at some of your other posts in another thread. And in my opinion, given what I just read, he's very, very high risk.

 

Personally I wouldn't be doing this.

 

He sounds a little like a narcissist to me. Also, I've always said that it's a huge red flag if a man hasn't had a relationship that's lasted at least 5 years by the time he reaches 35 to 40 years of age.

 

That's proven true to me over and over again. You can only blame your bad choices on others for so long. There's comes a point when you have to start looking within.

 

Not saying people can't change but addings things up here...the age difference, the nature of the relationship thus far (LD), his need for validation from the opposite sex and his past history with relationships - well it looks very grim from where I sit.

 

You can take that leap of faith but be ready for the fallout. And you're right. I think within 3-6 months you're going to know the score. I hope you don't waste years though with this man (like I did) if it's not meant to be.

 

I'm sorry. I wish I could be positive about this but given what I know and my experience, I just can't give this a thumbs up. It's a huge gamble. And I sincerely do hope that you hit the jackpot.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree that this guy is a high risk candidate. Having said that, do you need to do this for yourself so there are no regrets? If so, protect yourself through financial independence and emotional independence to a degree, while ensuring you don't accidentally sabotage the relationship by being emotionally unavailable.

 

Big, big task!

[Zapbasket]

You know, I'm one for taking chances myself. I believe that without risk there's no reward.

 

But do assess the risk.

 

I just went and looked at some of your other posts in another thread. And in my opinion, given what I just read, he's very, very high risk.

 

Personally I wouldn't be doing this.

 

He sounds a little like a narcissist to me. Also, I've always said that it's a huge red flag if a man hasn't had a relationship that's lasted at least 5 years by the time he reaches 35 to 40 years of age.

 

That's proven true to me over and over again. You can only blame your bad choices on others for so long. There's comes a point when you have to start looking within.

 

Not saying people can't change but addings things up here...the age difference, the nature of the relationship thus far (LD), his need for validation from the opposite sex and his past history with relationships - well it looks very grim from where I sit.

 

You can take that leap of faith but be ready for the fallout. And you're right. I think within 3-6 months you're going to know the score. I hope you don't waste years though with this man (like I did) if it's not meant to be.

 

I'm sorry. I wish I could be positive about this but given what I know and my experience, I just can't give this a thumbs up. It's a huge gamble. And I sincerely do hope that you hit the jackpot.

 

What you and TBF have said is like one whole side of myself speaking directly to me, to the other side that's agreed to make this move. Thank you.

 

Regarding the age difference, would it make a difference in your feel of the situation if I told you that in fact he wasn't thrilled about my age in the beginning, that when he was online he specified he wanted someone OVER 35 at minimum (he had 35-42, he told me)? He said, "I'd have liked someone a little older, but this [referring to me] is the package it came in." I feel the same way about him: I'd have preferred someone in his 30s (and in fact when I met him I thought he was around 37; if I'd known he was 49 I might not have agreed to meet him for that drink after the conference), but this is the package it's come in.

 

Re: the narcissistic thing: what makes you think so? I'm asking because I thought the same thing when I first met him. What exactly gives YOU the impression he's narcissistic?

 

Thank you. This is all a huge, huge help.

[Touche]

Well yes, what you said about his age preference does somewhat make a difference. But what's his past history? Have his other relationships been with women who were a lot younger?

 

And why was an almost 50 year old man flirting with a woman of 25 when he's in a relationship with you?

 

He gloats about younger women running after him. He seems to seek validation and feels the need to tell you about it. The fact that he hasn't been able to commit in the past, and the reasons he's given you for that fact, all point to a possible narcissistic personality.

 

Long term relationships aren't a place where a narcissist can thrive from what I gather. I mean relationships grow and change and after a certain point (after the honeymoon phase) we don't give our partners the constant validation that we may have when it was new.

 

He never seems to get past that early stage. He never seemed to go from the early more superficial stage to the deeper more mature kind of love.

 

Those are some of the things that make me feel we are dealing with a possible narcissist. But others can probably speak to this in a more knowledgeable way than I can.

[Zapbasket]

Well yes, what you said about his age preference does somewhat make a difference. But what's his past history? Have his other relationships been with women who were a lot younger?

 

And why was an almost 50 year old man flirting with a woman of 25 when he's in a relationship with you?

 

He gloats about younger women running after him. He seems to seek validation and feels the need to tell you about it. The fact that he hasn't been able to commit in the past, and the reasons he's given you for that fact, all point to a possible narcissistic personality.

 

Long term relationships aren't a place where a narcissist can thrive from what I gather. I mean relationships grow and change and after a certain point (after the honeymoon phase) we don't give our partners the constant validation that we may have when it was new.

 

He never seems to get past that early stage. He never seemed to go from the early more superficial stage to the deeper more mature kind of love.

 

Those are some of the things that make me feel we are dealing with a possible narcissist. But others can probably speak to this in a more knowledgeable way than I can.

 

Yes. What you say in the 2nd-to-last paragraph. This has been my concern all along with his insistency that he wants me to move in with him. I have offered up until the 11th hour to find a place of my own; I've told him that suddenly he's going to find himself sharing his space, that he's so used to being in all alone, with someone else. He keeps saying passionately, "But I don't WANT to be alone! I WANT to share my home!" I have feared that his insistency is him, in part being genuine, and in part trying to get the SITUATION in place before allowing the status of our growing INTIMACY to dictate how our relationship is structrured SITUATIONALLY. Time will tell...and I do think it will tell in a matter of months. That's why until I know what's what I'm not going to commit to any kind of long-term arrangement--such as helping him develop his business as my full-time job (I'll help as a PARTNER can, but not as an EMPLOYEE).

 

But yes, I do think he has not gotten to that "mature kind of love" stage yet. Then again, perhaps neither have I. In an ideal scenario, we could learn that together. If he's truly arrested in his capacity to mature in this way, I think I will find out pretty quickly, no?

 

I tell myself that there are full-blown Narcissists, and then people with a few narcissistic streaks here and there. By his own admission, he's not modest. I do fear he may overlook my needs from time to time. But so far, because he's so communicative, we've managed to reach compromises. He listens. And he always remembers what I say. How strong this capacity is between us, and in him, will reveal itself as we enter the intense chambers of cohabitation from the wide expance of LD...right? This is my thinking. I so hope I'm right....

[Haloandhorns85]

Yes, of course. But at whose expense? I really don't think you should do this without having some money of your own. You've seen first hand what can happen in this situation with your mother. It's exactly what I was trying to warn you about.

 

Sure you can have trust. But blind trust is not a smart thing.

 

And you didn't answer the question about whether this has been a long distance relationship from the start or not. I'd like to know that to best be able to advise you.

 

But even without that info, I think this is just not a good idea. What if it doesn't work out? You'll be stuck in a strange place with no money. Don't put yourself in that position.

 

How about lining up a job or interviews before you go? I don't know.

 

You ask what kinds of flags go up. I've already said. I fear he will dominate you and hold the money/support over your head. And I fear that it won't work out and you will be left destitute and desperate. I would never want to put myself in such a vulnerable position.

 

But I'd still like to know the status of this relationship. Have you ever lived in the same place or has it been LD from day one? How did you meet?

 

I agree 100% with Touche. You may think you know this man so well, but you have really only had a small amount of time together compared to a couple who livein the same town. If you are set on moving in with him, then nothing we say is going to convince you otherwise. Just be careful. Moving far away to a new city to be with a man you've known for six months with no money is not smart, like Touche said. Maybe, if you are worried about messing up your relationship by declining to move in with him, if he is the man for you, he will understand and be patient. Tell him you would like to wait until you are little more financially stable. I have the same questions Touche has.