Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Jilly, to be honest, I am just not seeing a lot of interest on his end. The txt sign off was the clincher--a man who is interested will ask you out. Now, I know it may seem if he has some issues about you knowing stuff about him that may be holding him back. So, let's say he has these issues. You cannot change his mind about it. You aren't his therapist or his saviour. This is his battle. I would stop making excuses for him and move on. This is how women get trapped in crappy relationships--but..but...he's scared. Scared, schmared...he is not available to you to have a relationship with at this point, or maybe in the future. If you are as hot as you are intimating, you should have no problem finding another sexually adventurous muscle guy with a great personality to attract. First off, I don't believe I intimated I was "hot". I said we had mad passion and chemistry, which is true. HE is hotter than hell, however. lol. There is a lot of history between us that doesn't translate well here. I am not making any excuses for him. Excuses are a bit different than explanations. lol. There was about 6 times in the last 4 months that he sent me emails wanting to talk to me, and I never responded to any of them. I am sure he didn't internalize that as a big green light. Yesterday was the first time we had chatted in many months (albeit virtually). I wouldn't have expected him to ask me out in that forum, as I know him, and I know he was testing the waters. No man likes to walk right into rejection, and nor do I. And I know he was testing me a bit, and I wasn't taking the bait. I know his asking if I still found him attractive was his way of finding out if I would even be interested, as was asking if I had met anyone from the site yet (his way of gauging competition). I didn't bite. I also don't believe I said anywhere that I was trying to change him. Do I wish the dynamic were different? You betcha! But change HIM? No way. Lastly, I don't seek out "sexually adventurous muscle guys". lol. I am attracted to a variety of men. This happened to be who he is, and the package he was wrapped in. Baller was hardly muscular, and extremely sexually pedestrian. I still really enjoyed dating him... I agree with zicke. He's not asking you out. It doesn't really matter WHY he isn't asking you out, either. You aren't in the position to effect change in a direction more favorable to you. I'd just let him go. Maybe you're starting to miss Baller, so your obsession on this guy is more acute than it otherwise would be? Yes, you're right. He didn't ask me out. But, do many men ask women out in the first 15 minutes of conversation? I suppose some do, and I have gotten that before, but for the most part, no. Yes, we have a history that would preclude this, or so one would think. But, we also have a history of a lot of pull and push in which NEITHER of us would just come out and say, "hey - we're both on here, both looking for the same things, why not meet for dinner and see how it goes?". Though yes, agreed it doesn't really matter WHY he didn't ask me out last night - he still didn't. But knowing him as I do, that wouldn't have been his style to go charging in like that without feeling like he could do so without being horribly shot down. I believe Johan did a great job of isolating the parts of the conversation where he came forth, and I retreated. He very well may never contact me again. I understand that. Or, he may find it within himself to man up and take the plunge. I'm prepared for either, and honestly, running into him again last night has not stopped me from pursuing other men. Truly. Do I want him to come through and be the next one to ask me out? Hell yeah! I'd be lying if I said no. But, doesn't mean I am plotting towards it, or stalling all other efforts in hopes of this materializing. I do miss Baller, but he is so compartmentalized from this guy. It's strange...
zicke Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I never suggested that you want to change him..I merely suggested that his issues aren't yours to deal with. If he is having a hard time dealing with the fact that you know about his secret...then-that is his issue. A man who is interested in pursuing you will ask you out. Jilly, you know this. He is a man who flirts with you, etc....but, he is not asking you out. On a date. That is the key difference between a man interested and a man who is passing time. Also, I have had plenty of men walk into asking me out right away. In fact, I cannot remember a guy who did not ask me out within the first contact. Not saying that I am better than you in this regard, I just don't like to spend time texting someone who is not going to ask me out. Piss or get off the pot, if you know what I mean. You deserve better.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 I never suggested that you want to change him..I merely suggested that his issues aren't yours to deal with. If he is having a hard time dealing with the fact that you know about his secret...then-that is his issue. A man who is interested in pursuing you will ask you out. Jilly, you know this. He is a man who flirts with you, etc....but, he is not asking you out. On a date. That is the key difference between a man interested and a man who is passing time. Also, I have had plenty of men walk into asking me out right away. In fact, I cannot remember a guy who did not ask me out within the first contact. Not saying that I am better than you in this regard, I just don't like to spend time texting someone who is not going to ask me out. Piss or get off the pot, if you know what I mean. You deserve better. LOL. Yes, I understand. I KNOW his issues aren't mine. Those are his to reconcile and deal with. And if he choses to continue to date women for short bursts, then that is his choice. Do I wish he would open up his eyes and see what is in front of him? Absolutely! Have I ever waited for it, or tried to change it? Nope. Well, besides telling him last year I thought he was an idiot - lol. Yeah, I have had guys ask me out in first contact. I don't like that, and I also wouldn't agree to it. If I don't sense some online connection, why go further? But I can be a slow mover sometimes - lol. Yes, maybe he was just flirting, or passing the time, or maybe making sure I'm still not pissed off enough to ever out him, or maybe he was testing the waters. Who knows. Only time will tell what his true interests are, if any...
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Baller was hardly muscular, and extremely sexually pedestrian. I still really enjoyed dating him... That's a little surprising. He must be a kicker.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 That's a little surprising. He must be a kicker. Well, he plays O-line, and is about 270 pounds. He is muscular, but under a good deal of padding. Think "husky" but extremely strong. Bi-cop is all rock. Totally different looks.
zicke Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 That's a little surprising. He must be a kicker. Leave it to a man to point this one fact out of a 5 paged thread...lol
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Leave it to a man to point this one fact out of a 5 paged thread...lol I did the hard work early on. Now I get to coast.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Leave it to a man to point this one fact out of a 5 paged thread...lol LOL. Yeah, no kidding. Talk about imbedded innocuous detail!
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 I did the hard work early on. Now I get to coast. Johan - do you agree with these ladies? Lost cause because he didn't ask me out last night? I will say, Mom came over today. I told her about the questioning from him. She thought his "do you still find me attractive" comment was his way of finding out if I would still be interested, or if I would reject him outright. His "have you met anyone from here" was his way of discovering competition. Eh, she's Mom, and tends to call it bluntly. Still sucks, because I WAS hoping he would have made contact today.
zicke Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 LOL. Yes, I understand. I KNOW his issues aren't mine. Those are his to reconcile and deal with. And if he choses to continue to date women for short bursts, then that is his choice. Do I wish he would open up his eyes and see what is in front of him? Absolutely! Have I ever waited for it, or tried to change it? Nope. Well, besides telling him last year I thought he was an idiot - lol. Yeah, I have had guys ask me out in first contact. I don't like that, and I also wouldn't agree to it. If I don't sense some online connection, why go further? But I can be a slow mover sometimes - lol. Yes, maybe he was just flirting, or passing the time, or maybe making sure I'm still not pissed off enough to ever out him, or maybe he was testing the waters. Who knows. Only time will tell what his true interests are, if any... Jilly, seriously, you are most likely very attractive--you seem very intelligent, fun, fit, and an all around catch! If this guy is too dense to see what a great deal you are, then it really truly is his loss. I personally would not want to deal with the drama of a man who is attracted to both sexes, I like my men liking women only. If you are open enough to be able to deal with his sexual piccadilo, well, more power to you. I, unfortunately am not that open minded. I have many gay male friends, so it's not the gay thing. I think it would be more, thinking of my man sexually with another man would be a huge turnoff. My man now has some sexual things that are new to me, so, I am willing to expirament with him. Although, I told him my one turnoff is men in womens underwear or clothing, I just. cannot. do. it. LOL. If he asks you out, great. But, I honestly think that your time is best spent on someone available for a relationship. 3 months probably isn't going to do it for you.
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Johan - do you agree with these ladies? Lost cause because he didn't ask me out last night? I will say, Mom came over today. I told her about the questioning from him. She thought his "do you still find me attractive" comment was his way of finding out if I would still be interested, or if I would reject him outright. His "have you met anyone from here" was his way of discovering competition. Eh, she's Mom, and tends to call it bluntly. Still sucks, because I WAS hoping he would have made contact today. I agree with your mom. You didn't read his signals. He assumed you would respond with more interest if you felt more interest. Instead you kind of stonewalled him. It's not too late for you to get in touch with him and let him know you'd be up for spending time together if he is.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Jilly, seriously, you are most likely very attractive--you seem very intelligent, fun, fit, and an all around catch! If this guy is too dense to see what a great deal you are, then it really truly is his loss. I personally would not want to deal with the drama of a man who is attracted to both sexes, I like my men liking women only. If you are open enough to be able to deal with his sexual piccadilo, well, more power to you. I, unfortunately am not that open minded. I have many gay male friends, so it's not the gay thing. I think it would be more, thinking of my man sexually with another man would be a huge turnoff. My man now has some sexual things that are new to me, so, I am willing to expirament with him. Although, I told him my one turnoff is men in womens underwear or clothing, I just. cannot. do. it. LOL. If he asks you out, great. But, I honestly think that your time is best spent on someone available for a relationship. 3 months probably isn't going to do it for you. Actually, I am that open-minded, and his bisexuality didn't turn me off in the slightest. That whole night was the most intensely erotic of my whole life, truth be told. Mainly because once the main event was over, he and I continued on and it was crazy. But yes, seeing him with another man was pretty damn hot. But, I also happen to love gay porn. This was live. lol. But, you know how truly bisexual people will say they are attracted to a person, and not a gender? I was just attracted to everthing about him. The bi thing didn't upset me. But, as I mentioned earlier, if I hadn't of seen him in that situation, and it was something he told me about separately, I would probably be totally turned off. And the point of us being together is that he wouldn't have to dump me after three months, as he only does that when he gets the urge to be with a man. He won't cheat on a woman, so he dumps her, goes and gets his groove on, then finds a new woman. Later, rinse, repeat. With me, I wouldn't care about it, so it wouldn't be a reason to split over it. But I just don't think he'll ever really be able to marry both sides of his life. I just don't think he's far along enough to accept who he really is, and to be able to be that open with a woman. Just my take. I always hope for his sake that changes, even if I am not the woman he shares this with. And I think if we met under other circumstances, we would have dated for sure. Then he would have dumped me after 3 months, of course. lol
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 I agree with your mom. You didn't read his signals. He assumed you would respond with more interest if you felt more interest. Instead you kind of stonewalled him. It's not too late for you to get in touch with him and let him know you'd be up for spending time together if he is. You'd like Mom, Johan. Well, I reached out to him last night via text. Did you read that? I tried to open up communication. What did you think of it?
zicke Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I get what you are saying, and I applaud your open mindedness--no sarcasm meant. See, I think gay porn is kinda like "midget porn" fascinating, but, umm, no. LOL. He just doesn't seem like he is in that space yet to openly or not so openly accept this part of his personality. Which is probably why he is overcompensating in the masculinity department--hard body, manly job, etc... What bothers me most is that he is on a dating site seeking women, who have no idea what they have in store with him..it kinda irks me to be honest.
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 You'd like Mom, Johan. Well, I reached out to him last night via text. Did you read that? I tried to open up communication. What did you think of it? I'm sure I would! She might like me, too. I think you should offer to meet up for dinner or drinks or something. And don't worry about whether he says no.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 He just doesn't seem like he is in that space yet to openly or not so openly accept this part of his personality. Which is probably why he is overcompensating in the masculinity department--hard body, manly job, etc... What bothers me most is that he is on a dating site seeking women, who have no idea what they have in store with him..it kinda irks me to be honest. I agree whole-heartedly, Zicke. I am sure he picked an ultra macho job to compensate, and hence the total muscle head thing, too. And it is bothersome to me, too, about him seeking women. ONLY because they don't know that the relationship is going to be doomed from the get-go. When I met him, I posed this whole situation on a bisexual forum online, and so many guys came forward and said they would be so thankful to meet a woman like me that they clicked with, and also accepted their bisexuality. They also added that until he accepts it himself, things won't change in his life. After our 3-way and before he and I went out, he told me he felt very uncomfortable around me since I "knew". No matter how much I down-played it, I know it was still his thing to reconcile.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 I'm sure I would! She might like me, too. I think you should offer to meet up for dinner or drinks or something. And don't worry about whether he says no. She would love your wit. As she knows only the very intelligent have the slick wits, and she is Mensa gal. lol. You'd get along great. You're right. So what if he says no, right? It's not going to kill me. And it's not like I haven't been rejected before. Even by him. lol. So, you don't think even with me reaching out last night, that he feels a green light to ever come forward again? Is the ball totally in my court?
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 She would love your wit. As she knows only the very intelligent have the slick wits, and she is Mensa gal. lol. You'd get along great. You're right. So what if he says no, right? It's not going to kill me. And it's not like I haven't been rejected before. Even by him. lol. So, you don't think even with me reaching out last night, that he feels a green light to ever come forward again? Is the ball totally in my court? Yeah, who cares if he says no. He's just a guy. And it's not knowing either way that keeps you thinking about all this. I don't know if the ball is technically in your court. I just think someone needs to serve. And it might as well be you. Last night didn't count.
Crestfallen_KH Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Honestly, my take is that since you two have reconnected multiple times now, he's had several opportunities to ask you out (although I do believe you said one or both of you were often with someone else at the the time) I agree with Johan's assessment that he does seem into you, but it might be as more of a sexual object than as a person, given the way you two met. BUT, that being said, if you did ask him out, then you can stop wondering, right? If he says no, then you have a definitive answer. You just have to be prepared for the rejection. Of course, even if he says "yes," it seems like you would basically be sitting down in the front seat of a roller coaster too - guess it depends on what you have the patience and fortitude to handle right now.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Yeah, who cares if he says no. He's just a guy. And it's not knowing either way that keeps you thinking about all this. I don't know if the ball is technically in your court. I just think someone needs to serve. And it might as well be you. Last night didn't count. Well, I actually do care if he says no - lol. I'd far prefer he say yes. Why doesn't last night count? I should get credit for initiating dialogue, right? Right? lol How about I send him something flirty next week asking him if he has found anyone as amazing as me on the site yet? As an ice breaker. Kinda thing. Sorta. Of course, he could say that yes, he has met someone and it's going well.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Honestly, my take is that since you two have reconnected multiple times now, he's had several opportunities to ask you out (although I do believe you said one or both of you were often with someone else at the the time) I agree with Johan's assessment that he does seem into you, but it might be as more of a sexual object than as a person, given the way you two met. BUT, that being said, if you did ask him out, then you can stop wondering, right? If he says no, then you have a definitive answer. You just have to be prepared for the rejection. Of course, even if he says "yes," it seems like you would basically be sitting down in the front seat of a roller coaster too - guess it depends on what you have the patience and fortitude to handle right now. Well, we've reconnected in a variety of ways over the past year. He sent me numerous emails back in April, and I ignored every single one. So, it's not like I've given him too many green lights. And apparently to Johan, last night when he was fishing, I shut him down cold. (oops!) I don't want the rejection, no. But you're right, I have to prepare for that if I ask him out. I guess I would FAR prefer that he stepped up. Then I would feel a lot better about him and his intentions. If I pursue them, then I would feel less positive about a happier outcome...
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 How about I send him something flirty next week asking him if he has found anyone as amazing as me on the site yet? As an ice breaker. Kinda thing. Sorta. Of course, he could say that yes, he has met someone and it's going well. No, don't flirt to break the ice. You can flirt later. Just let him know you have a night free and would like to spend at least part of it with him.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 No, don't flirt to break the ice. You can flirt later. Just let him know you have a night free and would like to spend at least part of it with him. Just like that? Just come out and say, "hey, want to meet for drinks next weekend?" Ugh.
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Just like that? Just come out and say, "hey, want to meet for drinks next weekend?" Ugh. Just like that. You can practice on me, if you want.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Just like that. You can practice on me, if you want. LOL. I would send him a text, and just say, "hey! would like to meet for drinks sometime?"
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