Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Some of you may recall from odd postings that last year I had a bi three-way with my gay best friend, and this incredibly hot guy that we picked up. Hey, we all have our moments of wanting to experiment - lol. Never did it before, or since, and have NO regrets. If you are the type to judge bi-sexuality, or are too close-minded to understand these dynamics, then please stop reading now. The guy that we met was incredible. 6'2", 250 pounds of Michelin Man muscle, works as a special unit cop. We are the same religion, same politics, same family background and structure, same education, same sense of humor, enjoy the same food, same music - you get the point. Core values AND social compatibility. And yes, the sexual chemistry was insane. Suffice to say we had mad passion and a great connection. After our mad 3-way, we went out on a date. We had fun, but I could tell that he was a bit guarded and reserved. He told me later what bothers him about me is that I am the ONLY woman who has ever known his "deep dark secret" of being bi. He lives his life as a straight man, and dabbles with men when he gets the urge, and it is something he ALWAYS hides from the women he dates (and everyone else!). He said with me there was absolutely NO mystery, since I knew the biggest thing about him. Kind of like an instant reveal, and instant "too much sharing." He said it made him uncomfortable. We didn't see each other after that night. Since then, he appears from time to time. It has been a year and a half. He turns up in odd places - usually different online environments that we both frequent, or an odd random texting or email. Then we have a brief "how are you?" catch up kind of thing, or marvel at the irony of how we keep crossing paths. And that's it. The latest thing is that I had found out he had posted pics of he and I online. I called him out on it, and that amounted to 3 weeks of him apologizing and asking forgiveness. Well, tonight I put an ad up on a dating site (yes, Baller is gone, and I am chosing NOT to say committed while he is away, and I don't want to talk further on that - lol). And who is on the site? Yep. This guy. So, I couldn't help myself. I got this overwhelming urge. I sent him a text: Me: Nice profile on xxx! Thanks for not posting my pics there. lol Him: Ha! Thank you. and I learned my lesson about that! Well im single now, and looking for a nice girl! You on there? Me: Yep Him: I have not seen you...send me an email... Me: ? Y? Him: So I can see your profile! Me: Im not ur type! 2 much in common and 2 much chemistry. lol. Weird. if I didn’t recognize your nickname from your email I never would have picked u out! totally 4got what u looked like. Him: Ha! Send me a msg on there...wanna see your profile! Well, I didn't respond. About 2 minutes later, he IM's me: Him: you look beautiful! Me: thanks. Did you forget what I look like? Him: kinda. You really look beautiful though. Me:I really didn't know it was you in the profile at all except by your email handle on it Him: really? you didn’t know it was me? you do look great. Me: lol. I guess you forgot I had a head. All the pics you have of me are from the neck down. lol Him: I always thought you were beautiful. Me: no, I seriously wouldnt have recognized you Him: all my pics of you are from the neck down Me: lol Him: still think im attractive?!?! Me: does it matter? Him: yes Me: why? you need an ego stroke from me? Im sure you get plenty of attention Him: no, just nice to know i guess... Me: well Im sure plenty of women validate you Me: my opinion doesnt rate - lol Him: i really didnt mean for anything like that to happen by the way...hope you have forgiven me Me: forgiven you for what? Him: nevermind...so how have you been? Me: no wait Me: forgiven you for posting our pics online? Me: or forgiven you for being an a**hat for not wanting to date me, considering we have so much in common? Me: Im not sure which offense you mean - lol Him: look...i didnt, i think someone used them...i did send them to someone before, but didnt post them Him: owch...double owch... Me: its like you show up everywhere Me: yet, you still dont get it! lol Me: so I am sure the young girls are loving you on xxx! Him: easy now... just got started here... looking for something serious at this point in life... hopefully meet nice people on here! Me: well youll do fine Me: I have to run Me: so, good luck on xxx! Him: talk soon... Yes, I know I was confrontational. But I harbor a LOT of resentment and hurt from this guy. Even now as I type, I feel a pit in my stomach. The rejection he dealt me and aborted dating me still stings. But the reality of our dynamic is that we had crazy chemistry, and he shows up somehow in my life every few months. He hasn't dated anyone more than 3-4 months since I've met him. The reason I am so bitter is that I KNOW he feels the same way, but I also know he is so closeted about his bisexuality, that he hates the fact that I know his secret. THE secret that he doesn't even like to admit to himself! It's intensely frustrating, because I see it as I would think he would be relieved that he met someone he so clicks with and yet fully accepts his "secret". Instead, he pushes me away since he doesn't want to admit to himself that he is bi. I really think if we hadn't met as we did, and I didn't know about him being bi, we'd be married. lol. Just friggin blows BIG TIME.
whichwayisup Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Wow. So this guy runs from being honest and prefers to play the mystery man. WTF is wrong with him? Him being BI is not an issue, yet he's made it out to be one, especially with you. You can do two things - Tell him exactly what you said here and how confused, pissed off you are, how he made you feel when he blew you off - Or just move on. But, ask yourself this, IS this guy worth the effort? He sounds kind of messed up.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 What an emotional mind game... The guy seems pretty out of it. But you're a strong girl Jilly, and it was the feelings at the time of the im that got you feeling mad. Suppose you two were to get together, I doubt that he will lead an honest life.
TheSilentType Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 If he dates you he knows he can't keep it a secret that he goes sneaks and bees with guys. So he'd rather be with someone who doesn't know so that he can still go be with a guy on the side. Atleast taht's what I'm thinking is going on.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Wow. So this guy runs from being honest and prefers to play the mystery man. WTF is wrong with him? Him being BI is not an issue, yet he's made it out to be one, especially with you. You can do two things - Tell him exactly what you said here and how confused, pissed off you are, how he made you feel when he blew you off - Or just move on. But, ask yourself this, IS this guy worth the effort? He sounds kind of messed up. Well, he runs from accepting who he really is. His pattern is that when he feels the need to be with a guy, he dumps the girl he's dating, goes and has his fun, then finds someone new to date. Exhausting cycle. Agreed his bisexuality was not an issue, but he certainly has made it one in his life. I actually wrote a very honest letter to him last year telling him this AND MORE. He had not much to say on it. The whole topic he runs from. It's like he would like me to forget what I saw him do. He is one hot mess for sure, WW. Here's my theory. He's gay. I really think he's just downright gay and didn't want to tell you that upfront. He doesn't want to come out, of course, he wants to get married and have kids and hide the fact that he's gay for the rest of his life, even to his future wife. He doesn't want to get serious with you because you already know he digs guys in a special way, you would always know that, so it could come up later as an insecurity issue in the relationship. So, that is why he stopped dating you before. Because he knows he can never marry you and hide his secret forever. Could be. I'm not him, so I can't say how deep his attraction for men goes. That's a whole OTHER topic - lol. But, I do know he choses to live his life as a straight guy, who wants to get married and settle down. Thing is, he's been telling me since we met that he wants to settle down and have kids. Nothing changes. But you're right. He hates that I know the secret. What an emotional mind game... The guy seems pretty out of it. But you're a strong girl Jilly, and it was the feelings at the time of the im that got you feeling mad. Suppose you two were to get together, I doubt that he will lead an honest life. Well, thing is X, if we were together - he wouldn't HAVE to be dishonest. I accepted his sexuality, and I wouldn't have prevented his affairs. He could have had it all - the great wife to the public, but also the one who accepts his "needs".
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 If he dates you he knows he can't keep it a secret that he goes sneaks and bees with guys. So he'd rather be with someone who doesn't know so that he can still go be with a guy on the side. Atleast taht's what I'm thinking is going on. Well yes, exactly. Thing is, I'm not sure he understands I would have had no problem with him still seeing men. It wouldn't bother me. But his bi-ness causes him his own self-loathing and issues on its own. Who needs me enabling it, right?
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 That is what the issue is ultimately. Did he mention wanting to go out on the IM? It couldn't hurt just going out for a drink or something. No, not at all did he! That's the thing that pisses me off. Also annoyed the hell out of me that he asked me flat out if I still found him attractive. WTF? In all seriousness, few women WOULDN'T find him attractive and he knows it. Honestly, he's more handsome than I remembered. I sent his pics from the profile to my best friend (the gay one) and even said he didn't remember him being that beautiful. Ok, Im rambling on the beauty of the man who doesn't want me - lol. Believe me, Sublime, if he even HINTED at seeing me, I would have been all over it. One hot mess that he is and all... He just doesn't want to date me.
pandagirl Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Ugh. This blows. It's sucks when you have a real connection with someone, but for whatever reason, it can't work out. Just remember that his reaction towards you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. And unfortunately, you have no power over that. Still, I'm sorry.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Ugh. This blows. It's sucks when you have a real connection with someone, but for whatever reason, it can't work out. Just remember that his reaction towards you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. And unfortunately, you have no power over that. Still, I'm sorry. Aw, thanks PG. And I know you're right. If it was about me, then he would be happy with someone else by now. King of the 3-4 month relationships is all he can handle, then he has to go get his GUY on, then he starts all over with some new chick. Pity he can't see that what would set him free is right in front of him. Then again, maybe he feels that if he was with me, my acceptance and tolerance of his lifestyle might leave the door TOO open, and he's afraid of who or what he would become with no boundaries placed on him. Know what I mean? Like I'd be a gateway to him REALLY acting out. Who the hell knows. All I know if that he has now ruined my online dating experience on that site. Fuc*er.
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Seems like you could get him to be mono. Not sure what the big deal is for him.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Seems like you could get him to be mono. Not sure what the big deal is for him. LOL. Would you please talk to him? And no, I couldn't get him to be straight, nor would I want to. It's odd, Johan. PLENTY of guys I meet, date and want to change. This one - I was so accepting of his bisexuality. To me, it was just another part of him, and I have always been ridiculously smitten by everything about it. His bi-ness was just part of the package, I guess. His big deal is that since he won't cheat on a GF, he always dumps them when he needs to get some di*k, so at this rate, and this pattern, he will continue to have 3 month relationships, drop them, go fling with some dude, then start up to find a new woman and start it all over again. Johan - why do you think he was asking me if I still found him attractive? What was that about? Ego? I didn't see the point of it.
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Silly girl. He wanted to start something up with you again. You just stiff-armed him.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Silly girl. He wanted to start something up with you again. You just stiff-armed him. How do you figure that? He made NO moves to do so! Believe me, Johan. This guy has my number, address, email and a variety of nude pics to whet his appetite from our steamy night together. He has had plenty of opportunities to reconnect. Deep breath, Bean. lol OK, how did you get the feeling that he was trying to start something up with me? Am I THAT clueless and blinded by rage?
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Him: you look beautiful! (unsolicited). You: blah, forget, blah, blah Him: You really look beautiful though. You: blah, profile, blah, blah Him: blah, blah, blah... you do look great. You: blah, pictures, blah, blah Him: I always thought you were beautiful. ... Him: still think im attractive?!?! (i.e. would you...?) You: does it matter? Him: yes You: blah, ego insult, blah, blah Him: [ah! Got it! Never mind.]
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Him: you look beautiful! (unsolicited). You: blah, forget, blah, blah Him: You really look beautiful though. You: blah, profile, blah, blah Him: blah, blah, blah... you do look great. You: blah, pictures, blah, blah Him: I always thought you were beautiful. ... Him: still think im attractive?!?! (i.e. would you...?) You: does it matter? Him: yes You: blah, ego insult, blah, blah Him: [ah! Got it! Never mind.] LOL. Thanks for bolding it out for me. It's always good to get a (rational) perspective other than my own. Honestly, I was always a little mistrustful of his flattery, as I think a bit of it is tied to making sure he doesn't piss me off so that I "out" him. When I found out he posted our pics online, he knew I was wicked pissed, and he was after me for weeks to ensure I wasn't tweaking. I just felt it was more about keeping me calm, than really being upset I was mad. Maybe fair, maybe not. But when I said I wasn't his type since we had too much chemistry and too much in common, he had a golden moment to refute that and make a move. He also had a chance to make a move when I brought up his experience on the dating site. I think he had a few good chances to say something beside I was pretty. Bleh. No? What now, Johan, my sensei?
2sunny Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 my initial reaction was that he was trying to see if you were interested. you shot him down pretty fast and furious. now he is full of rejection. johan - what's the best plan of attack for her to try to get him to put himself out there for her again? do you think when he said "talk soon" meant he was blowing her off or was trying to leave the door open for later discussion?
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 But when I said I wasn't his type since we had too much chemistry and too much in common, he had a golden moment to refute that and make a move. Well, he was kind of doing that. He also had a chance to make a move when I brought up his experience on the dating site. I think he had a few good chances to say something beside I was pretty. Bleh. Maybe. I think he took it more like you were telling him to date others. No? What now, Johan, my sensei? What is your goal?
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 my initial reaction was that he was trying to see if you were interested. you shot him down pretty fast and furious. now he is full of rejection. johan - what's the best plan of attack for her to try to get him to put himself out there for her again? do you think when he said "talk soon" meant he was blowing her off or was trying to leave the door open for later discussion? Really? You also thought he was interested? See, I didn't take it as such, because pretty much every conversation we have had since we last saw each other is relatively similar. OK, minus the "you are beautiful" garbage, and "do ya think I'm sexy" questioning. lol. He usually ends our convos with "talk soon" - I took that as a "see ya round, Bean!". When he was groveling after getting bagged for posting our pics, he wrote me (a direct quote), "i have very good feelings about you and smile when i think of the times we spent together." See - to me, that's not the line of a guy who has any further interest. I take it as, "Im trying to be as polite as possible, dont out me, and dont expect me to call you again." No? Man, am I THAT much of a total bonehead?
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 When he was groveling after getting bagged for posting our pics, he wrote me (a direct quote), "i have very good feelings about you and smile when i think of the times we spent together." See - to me, that's not the line of a guy who has any further interest. I take it as, "Im trying to be as polite as possible, dont out me, and dont expect me to call you again." No? No. I personally would never say something like that to be polite. Man, am I THAT much of a total bonehead? Well... I think it's kind of endearing.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Him: you look beautiful! (unsolicited). You: blah, forget, blah, blah Him: You really look beautiful though. You: blah, profile, blah, blah Him: blah, blah, blah... you do look great. You: blah, pictures, blah, blah Him: I always thought you were beautiful. ... Him: still think im attractive?!?! (i.e. would you...?) You: does it matter? Him: yes You: blah, ego insult, blah, blah Him: [ah! Got it! Never mind.] You look beautiful really doesn't mean much! Maybe he wants another hookup....I just seriously doubt he's going to be comfortable dating someone who knows about this "secret" life of his. I also seriously doubt he's looking for something serious - and if he is, he's going to continue this double life because you can't just make those sexual urges and attraction to other men just disappear.
2sunny Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Really? You also thought he was interested? See, I didn't take it as such, because pretty much every conversation we have had since we last saw each other is relatively similar. OK, minus the "you are beautiful" garbage, and "do ya think I'm sexy" questioning. lol. He usually ends our convos with "talk soon" - I took that as a "see ya round, Bean!". When he was groveling after getting bagged for posting our pics, he wrote me (a direct quote), "i have very good feelings about you and smile when i think of the times we spent together." See - to me, that's not the line of a guy who has any further interest. I take it as, "Im trying to be as polite as possible, dont out me, and dont expect me to call you again." No? Man, am I THAT much of a total bonehead? well - i think he was trying to see if you would give him the green light by complimenting you. you are shooting him down at every turn. i wonder if he's likely to come around for further rejection. you gotta hand it to him for being persistent with you. most guys would say - how's it going? good? good... see ya around k? bye
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Well, he was kind of doing that. Maybe. I think he took it more like you were telling him to date others. What is your goal? Wow. I guess because we have had this thing going on for a year and a half now, that I am used to him popping into the picture and NEVER making any moves. It's like running into the same person over and over again at the grocery store, the bank, the gym, and just saying, "Oh, wow! I can't believe it's you again! What's up? How are you?" And that's it, you know? Truly every few months our paths cross, and it's always the same. Believe me, J, last year when this all went down, I made a HUGE fool of myself. A few months after we had our "thing", I called him and asked him flat out why he didn't want to date me, and that I was so interested in him, and that it made completely no sense to me that we didn't continue to date. He had no real response, except to say, he didn't know. Pfft. Which is BS. Since then, every time we have reconnected, he's mostly been dating someone, and just tells me all about his GF, and how that is going. So, I am so conditioned to him just being polite so I don't tweak and out him. Which is his big fear. Remember, unlike his dude tricks, I know everything about him. More to lose with me. My goal? I've always been mad crazy about him. And now that we connected tonight, I'm going to be a basket case for weeks. I can't stop looking at his pics. I would LOVE for us to date. I just really don't think he considers me an option...
johan Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 My goal? I've always been mad crazy about him. And now that we connected tonight, I'm going to be a basket case for weeks. I can't stop looking at his pics. I would LOVE for us to date. I just really don't think he considers me an option... I think you should translate the above into something quite a bit more demure and send it his way. Maybe like, "want to meet up for drinks?" And then tone down the challenges a little, if he responds. Try not to talk about the past or his other "pursuits".
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 No. I personally would never say something like that to be polite. Well... I think it's kind of endearing. Yes, but you also aren't fearing that I will out the big huge muscle cop that you are as being a pig bottom now, are you? Well, consider me endeared. ing. ish. I'm a bonehead. Officially.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 You look beautiful really doesn't mean much! Maybe he wants another hookup....I just seriously doubt he's going to be comfortable dating someone who knows about this "secret" life of his. I also seriously doubt he's looking for something serious - and if he is, he's going to continue this double life because you can't just make those sexual urges and attraction to other men just disappear. Word. You look beautiful isn't quite the same as, "Bean - wow, can't believe you're on here. We really do keep running into each other. Think it means anything? Maybe we should meet again and see." Now THAT'S got meaning! lol He's never dated someone who knows his secret. Honestly, I think until he reconciles who he is, and how to meld the two lives, he's going to go through the cycle over and over.
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