Emmeline Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I was in a long-distance relationship for almost a year and a half and things were going well. We saw each other as often as we could and kept in touch constantly via phone calls and email. Then all of a sudden in May, he stopped communicating. After about two weeks with no communication he sent me a sweet and loving birthday card. I called to thank him and he never returned the call. I sent an email and he never responded to that either. And tonight I made one final attempt to call him and he hung up immediately when he realized it was me. What kind of a person does something like that after a year and a half? No warning, no explanation, no anything. There had been no argument or anything to precipitate him getting angry with me. And why the heck would he send a birthday card?? It's devastating to be dumped in this manner. That kind of behavior is never justified. It's cruel and cowardly to act like that and I deserved better. Anyone reading this, I have one thing to request of you: NEVER, EVER do this to someone. I don't care how painful or awkward it is for you to have to break up with someone-whether you have to admit that you've met someone else, or you've fallen out of love, or your just not attracted to them anymore-you do not just abandon another human being with no explanation. Believe me, that is a far crueler thing to do to a person that breaking up with them honestly and forthrightly.
wareagle Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Sorry to hear this happened to you~ My opinion he is a coward, and you are better off without him in your life~~
Author Emmeline Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Thanks for your kind words. I know he's a coward and that I will be better off without him but the hurt and disappointment of having had to come to that realization in such a horrible way is making me more sad and angry than I ever thought possible. I did do the only thing I could under the circumstances though. I sent him an email and told him exactly what I thought of his behavior and treatment of me and how it made me feel. Maybe he'll read it and maybe he won't (although I suspect that he will) and I do not expect it to change anything but I at least needed an opportunity to have my say since he robbed me of any other way to do that. He may be a coward but I definitely am not.
Lookingforward Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Thanks for your kind words. I know he's a coward and that I will be better off without him but the hurt and disappointment of having had to come to that realization in such a horrible way is making me more sad and angry than I ever thought possible. I did do the only thing I could under the circumstances though. I sent him an email and told him exactly what I thought of his behavior and treatment of me and how it made me feel. Maybe he'll read it and maybe he won't (although I suspect that he will) and I do not expect it to change anything but I at least needed an opportunity to have my say since he robbed me of any other way to do that. He may be a coward but I definitely am not. At least you got to say your piece - some of these lowlife cowards simply delete their screenname or block their mail......... so you're left fuming as well LOL
sunshinegirl Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I'm sorry. What a horrible, HORRIBLE, way to end things. It's very small solace to know that, well, at least you found out now that he's a coward. Is there any chance he was married and got busted???
Lyssa Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Oh that is just twisted! I'm sorry you're hurting, Emmeline. What he did was not right - he could have emailed you, at least. Some guys are friggin' clueless and well, some girls too!
whichwayisup Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 What an a-hole! He owed you the respect of atleast ending it and telling you that, instead of giving you the silent treatment! What a fool! His loss, not yours!
Author Emmeline Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 I'm sorry. What a horrible, HORRIBLE, way to end things. It's very small solace to know that, well, at least you found out now that he's a coward. Is there any chance he was married and got busted??? Nope, none. I had done a thorough background check on this guy early on, and he's never been married. Which is probably a fortunate thing because I'd hate to think how he'd break it to his wife if he ever wanted a divorce.
Author Emmeline Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Oh that is just twisted! I'm sorry you're hurting, Emmeline. What he did was not right - he could have emailed you, at least. Some guys are friggin' clueless and well, some girls too! Thanks lyssa. I just stood there with the phone to my ear listening to the dead air. It took me several seconds to even realize what had happened. For just a moment, I almost thought that we had just been disconnected or something. I just couldn't believe that someone would do something like that. There is an episode of "Sex and the City" where one of the characters gets broken up with via post-it note. Everyone thought that was pretty horrible. But my opinion is that having someone dump you by hanging up on you is worse. But unfortunately, I don't think he's clueless. It would be easier if he were. I think he very deliberately made the decision to shut me out. During our last conversation in May, we talked about seeing other people, something that we'd spoken of several times before and never had a problem. The understanding was that if either one of us met someone else, we would at least tell the other one about it and be honest. He was very testy with me in our last conversation and when I said, "Hey look, I don't mind if it happens but I would mind if you lied to me about it," his exact words to me were, "Well, I'd see someone else if I wanted to whether you mind or not." I think he thought I was trying to get possessive and exercise some kind of ownership rights over him. I told him that was not my intention at all, but I think the damage was done. In his own alpha-male mind, I suspect he twisted that conversation waaaay out of proportion and that was the beginning of the end. Sorry to ramble on so much. It just helps to talk.
Lyssa Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 It does help to talk about it so don't apologise. I can't comprehend how one can break off with someone by hanging up the phone. I don't think you'll be hearing from him so it's better to move on. He's really selfish - he has no idea how much his action could hurt someone therefore he is clueless. A complete douchebag!
Author Emmeline Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 It does help to talk about it so don't apologise. I can't comprehend how one can break off with someone by hanging up the phone. I don't think you'll be hearing from him so it's better to move on. He's really selfish - he has no idea how much his action could hurt someone therefore he is clueless. A complete douchebag! I haven't heard anyone called a douchebag in a while! I love it! But I do think he knew how much his actions would hurt me and I think that's exactly why he did it. He thought that since I had done something to annoy him, he was perfectly justified in being so brutal to me. The scary thing is that I really never saw this side of him before now. And yeah, I'm not worried that I'll hear from him again. In the email that I sent him I made it abundantly clear that he had done something unforgivable. I'm not looking for any kind of reconciliation; not after what he did.
Author Emmeline Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 What an a-hole! He owed you the respect of atleast ending it and telling you that, instead of giving you the silent treatment! What a fool! His loss, not yours! I read once that the silent treatment is actually a form of emotional abuse and that it's used to express control and dominance. At the very least, it strikes me as very passive-aggressive behavior. God, I never knew he had this in him. I've always known that he's the kind of guy who likes to be in control but I'd never seen him express it in such a horrible way. Sometimes as much as you think you know someone, you never really know them at all. I honestly think that he thought I was trying to control him and tell him what to do and he lashed out in the most devastating way possible. I am so glad I emailed him. A few years ago, if something like this had happened to me I would have gone away without a peep but no more. I needed to tell him exactly what I thought of his actions. I know it won't change anything and he'll continue to be this way forever but it made me feel a lot better and that's all that matters.
Zapbasket Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 There is an episode of "Sex and the City" where one of the characters gets broken up with via post-it note. Everyone thought that was pretty horrible. But my opinion is that having someone dump you by hanging up on you is worse. I am so sorry this happened to you. I think it's great that you wrote him an e-mail and I hope it was cathartic for you. Some people are so closed off from their own inner life that they have no idea what it is to form an attachment to someone. They may make all the right motions, leading you to THINK there is attachment, but internally their "attachment apparatus" is blocked and frozen, so every interaction with another human being comes from a place of DE-tachment. Thus it's easy for people like this to do as your ex did to you. Scary, isn't it? After 5 years with my ex, 3 years LD and only 3 months after he moved across the country supposedly to be with me, my ex broke it off with me by phone. He hung up on me right after yelling, "It's over!" and turned off his phone. He'd hang up on me often during our relationship, whenever I brought up a difficult subject or challenged him in any way. I am fully convinced that he intended that to be it, that hang-up-break-up. But I asked him if we could meet to talk face to face, and he refused, and I showed up at his apartment and said, "If you're going to break up with me, do it properly." He told me he needed "space," and acted surprised when I contacted him after the New Year to find out where we stood and then finally, and begrudgingly, agreed to meet face to face. So maybe he did it "properly," but only after all my begging and urging. In retrospect I wish I'd just let the hang-up be it, and let him sit with his own cowardliness forevermore. It feels awful and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Just know that the problem was entirely with him. Someone capable of all the challenges a marriage brings--if the marriage truly is aboug trust and intimacy rather than some kind of 'pact' for mutual avoidance--would not do to someone what your ex did to you. Keep posting--indeed it is very cathartic.
marlena Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 This is the way of cowards and people, like GC said, who are incapable of emotionally connecting with others. Something similar happened to me. I called him one night and he said "not now" and proceeded to switch off the phone. That signalled the end for me, right then and there. I had signs all along that this person was somehow emotionally crippled and so this did not come as a very big surprise at all. I wonder if perhaps you too had a feeling of something not being quite "kosher" with him all along. If you look back and reflect, you might find that there were signs all along, a nagging feeling in your heart... a gut instinct... I firmly believe you are better off without him. If he can be this callous now and long-distance, can you imagine what cruelty he would be capable of further down the road if you lived together for a time? I, too, had my say the next day and broke it off without any hesitation at all. No amount of his trying to see me again had an effect on me at all. He had "died" for me that night when he hung up the phone. I know that it hurts as nice and normal people can not wrap their heads around this type of inhuman behaviour. Once you calm down, you will be proud of yourself for setting boundaries and respecting yourself. And, yes, it is a kind of mental abuse... a tool that broken people use to control others.
Author Emmeline Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 When I read the story of your ex, it reminded me of the way my brother handles his relationships with women. There is always a lot of drama and hanging up on his girlfriends and then immediately calling them back...I honestly don't know how the women can stand it. I sit here today still unbearably sad about what happened last night. Even though I know objectively that this guy has issues and has a mean streak the likes of which I've never seen before, it's still really difficult to internalize all that at this point and be happy that it's over. I have no regrets about sending the email and neither should you, about forcing a face-to-face confrontation with your ex. There's a total loss of control that comes with being dumped in the manner in which you and I were and I think it's okay to take action that helps us to have our say in the situation. What you did was not over-the-top or obsessive and you were perfectly justified. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
marlena Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 You should have nor regrets at all about sending the e-mail. It shows confidence and self-respect. Now, let it go. I know it hurts and you are more than likely in a state of schock so be kind to yourself. Go with the emotions until they break like a wave that spends itself and lies to rest at shore. One thing stood out in your post. You say he had a a huge cruel streak that likes of which you have never seen. Honey, you dodged a bullet. A big one. My guess would be that this person has some very serious mental issues. Thank your lucky stars that he showed you his true colours now. You´ll be again. Keep posting if you feel like it. Lots of support in here. I know that it helped me tremendously back then. M
Author Emmeline Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 It was back in the middle of May. We were always open about the fact that one of us might want to see someone else (we were long-distance) and discussed the subject periodically about what we would do if that happened. I never wanted to control or possess him. We talked about it again in May and I said that I wouldn't mind as much if he started seeing someone else as I would if he lied to me about it. He snapped at me that he'd see someone else whether I gave my permission or not but that he didn't want to. I was going to explain that that wasn't what I had meant but he was tired and had had a bad day so I just let it go. We went on to have a pleasant conversation. Then, I didn't hear from him for almost 2 weeks. Then I got a sweet birthday card in the mail from him. I called to thank him and sent an email as well, and again nothing. I called again on Friday night and he abruptly hung up on me the minute he heard my voice. I never got an explanation at all. After a year and a half, that's how it ended. If that's not cruel, I don't know what is. He was always a bit passive-aggressive about expressing anger, but this was the ultimate blow. I really do believe that I ticked him off about those comments from our last conversation, he stewed about it, and chose to "punish" me in the most heartless way possible.
Crazy.S Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 He does not have any respect for you. Move on and don't waste any more tears and effort on this guy. I too was in a long distance relationship and I know how much it sucked. I too had a significant other who was passive aggressive. These people they make more trouble than happiness. They always seem pessimistic and turn all your words into something bad. All they want to do is run away from problems. So in the end they break up with you in a manner that devalues the relationship. My ex broke up with me on the phone... she didn't even want to see me about it.
Author Emmeline Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 He does not have any respect for you. Move on and don't waste any more tears and effort on this guy. I too was in a long distance relationship and I know how much it sucked. I too had a significant other who was passive aggressive. These people they make more trouble than happiness. They always seem pessimistic and turn all your words into something bad. All they want to do is run away from problems. So in the end they break up with you in a manner that devalues the relationship. My ex broke up with me on the phone... she didn't even want to see me about it. Thanks for your input, CrazyS. But actually, he was seldom pessimistic and never tried to use my words against me. He was a bit of a sulker after we would disagree, but so am I and we'd work past it. So this manner of ending things was really unexpected. But I am moving on and I just posted again today about it in a new post called "Untitled." It isn't easy but some progress is better than none.
Recommended Posts