wannabehappy Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I just found out the truth about the things my husband has done before we separated. I confronted him for months and finally he admitted to cheating with a co-worker. He said he is in love with her. He had let me have contact with her several times. I have asked for about a year and while we were still together working on our relationship. I am ok but now I must deal with all the lies he told to cover up the dirty deeds. I dont want him but I want him to want me not her. That is so twisted. He said if I would have just shown him love and attention we would have been soooo happy and none of this would have happened. I believe that but I now have to learn to deal with it all and the outcome of it all. He said he thinks he is in love with her but they are no longer together He says he needs time for himself. He never leaves out the possiblity of us being together but I think he would want that if things can not work out to get with his chick. I should not care and I will not allow myself to get back into a relationship with him. But I do need to deal with him for his kids. I have not seen him since I learned this info and I know I will have to see him tomorrow. I dont want him to be happy I want him to have the same hurt he put on me and my kids. I will survive but I am sooooo hurt to learn this information.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Sorry to hear that.... but unfortunately, not surprised. As I said in my previous post, it's not unusual for cheaters to blame-shift and demand space. The reason they want the "space" though is NOT because they're confused or unhappy... they use it to "test-drive" the affair partner. Be prepared for him to attempt to keep the bird in the hand, as well as the one in the bush. Newly busted cheaters will often cry and plead like their little hearts are breaking, but if you give him ANY indication that he can keep both relationships going, he'll give you the run-around 'til you're wore out. Stand firm. You're nobody's fall-back plan.
Fun2BMe Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 It sounds like you were being mean to him and whitholding love. He felt unloved by you - so you were obviously being cold and distant and unloving to the point he became interested in a woman who showed him more attention, so it is not too surprising of what the consequences of YOUR action were. Now you want him to hurt, but I think if you focus on how to be a better person towards him, you can have a better chance of winning him back wtihout causing more hurt in the relationship and before you lose him for good. Do some introspection and figure out how you can be a better wife so that he can be a better husband without it relying on whether or not he gets the chick. If he feels loved by you, then whether or not she is available to him will not be the issue. It's all up to you as to whether you will find happiness.
cyabye Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Fun2bme, You're joking right? Sheesh. Yes it's her fault he cheated. Get real. He made the choice. Of course she didn't meet his needs. He needs validation for the cheating. I bet he met her needs during all this. No matter what his reason was for cheating (and a pathetic reason at that), there is NO excuse for it. She probably started withdrawing from him because her gut was telling her something was amiss. I understand how you are feeling wannabehappy. I want my STBXW to hurt too. But you will never know how much they hurt because their selfish pride will always keep it from you unless they come back crying and begging. Most will not feel guilt as they pass the blame to you or their conscious is seared. In the end, whether you know about it or not, they will get their fair share of hurt. Life is a circle. You reap what you sow in this world. cyabye
Author wannabehappy Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Thanks for all the good advice. I will take all of the advice whether or not I feel it would benefit me at this point. I have looked at myself and I do still love him. I always have the feeling we will get back together, I dont know the future but I sure know I can not be with him now. He said in one conversation "we always get back together anyway". I am tired of the mixed signals even if I dont fall for it it makes us both look like idiots. I have always told him Karma is _______. I believe he does feel bad but I also dont care how he feels at this point. I know it is not my fault because he has a mind of his own and he should have ended one relationship before starting another or never started one would have been more of a good idea. I dont hate him but I want him to have the same pain and hurt I felt. I know I am done with him but I do not want him to be with her. Plain and simple. I am moving on and will date when the situation is presented to me. My whole goal now is work on finances and the kids. Thanks again to you all great help and advice - ALL of the ADVICE.
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