Seperation uncertain

[SingleDad]

Mal - There is nothing more important that the Father and Mother in a child's life... your W will have to learn that sooner or later... grandparents cannot replace a father, much as your W may try. Make sure you stand up for your Fatherly rights - you won't regret it years from now

 

During a divorce process the jabs against you cannot be taken to heart... they have to rationalize to themselves why this is the best thing for them - often it's all lies and deception - often their own deception... they don't even know what they are doing - just desperate to find something else, something/somewhere they don't feel suffocated.

 

Let her go, yet be supportive, do everything you can for your son. Your W will not - she is too focused on herself and her needs (same with an H who strays). Your life and dreams have to change...

 

Take it one day at a time.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Just take care of your kid Mal, when she get's older the mother will suffer for her distance. the kid will resent her and turn to you when she needs you the most. then the mother is gonna stand there looking stupid like what the hell did I do.

 

**** you know what YOU did!

 

It'll all work out in the end. just stop focusing on what your STBX is doing and do what u need to do.

[homey76]

I am going through a different situation but similar in some ways.

 

I have to say the counselor and your wife saying her emails and whatnot with her supervisor, etc. is not relevant is WRONG.

 

It is COMPLETELY relevant and needs to be addressed.

 

Marriage counseling is for TWO people, not just her.

 

You have valid issues that aren't being addressed. If the counselor refuses to validate your concerns, I would try someone else.

 

In any case, it sounds to me like she has a lot of growing up to do, made a rash decision, and now wants out.

 

The best way to find out if she really wants to be with you is to let her go.. Tell her you're moving out for a while so she can collect her thoughts.. Stay somewhere for a while. If she truly expresses a desire to stay with you maybe it's worth it.

 

It sounds to me like she's bored with the relationship and wants out (not your fault).

 

Let her go.. If she comes back, maybe she has realized what she was missing.

[Maladjusted]

Well, last night I tried keeping it light. When she came home, I asked her about her day and everything going on at work. She told me about her day and must have talked for about 15 minutes about her job. Finally, I picked up on something. She doesn't really want me to get a second job because she has no intention of leaving the job she is in right now.

 

I asked her if it would be beneficial that we sell the house and move closer to her job. I noticed an instant change in her attitude and she said "I told you that before and you didn't want to do it". I view the house as an investment and probably wasn't taking her commute into consideration. I told her I would be open to doing that and asked her what her thoughts were. She said "I don't know".

 

I then left and got some exercise. When I came back she was coming downstairs and I told her I was going to go to bed. She said "But I haven't eaten dinner yet" so I stayed with her while she ate dinner. She told me about how she was teaching the baby Spanish and I told her that I wanted to learn Spanish from her too. She told me to just buy a CD. I told her I wanted to learn from her and she said "You never wanted to learn before".

 

After that, we pretty much sat in silence while she finished her meal. I slept in the other room and she slept in the bed.

 

This morning, I helped her with the baby and she blew me a kiss while she was leaving. However, I went in for the real thing and told her to have a good day.

 

I am so confused. I wish I knew which way things were going to go. I have an appointment with the marriage counselor tonight (whom she doesn't want to go to anymore).

[SingleDad]

Mal - all you can do it take it one day at a time... and keep up the good communications...

 

She doesn't know what she wants yet, so you still have a chance.... If she decides she wants out, you will know it - she'll bulldoze you over right out the door.

[Maladjusted]

I am just so confused. I am trying to take it one day at a time but I don't know what to do. Despite everything that has happened, I love her so much.

 

We were supposed to go to Las Vegas for my grandparents reunion and I don't know whether or not she is going. I am going to take the baby regardless, and I don't know if that will help or hurt the situation.

 

I know that I cannot stop what will happen and I can't make her love me and that is why this hurts so much. I wish I knew what I had to do/say to make her feel the same way again but I think all I can really do is drive her further away.

 

I am thinking of writing her a letter before I leave and leaving it with her. I don't know if it will do any good or not.

[SingleDad]

Mal - it depends on what the lettter says, what is in your heart, what is in her heart and what she wants to hear or doesn't want to hear. You are living in the same house - so there the greatest chance.

 

Communication is one of the most important things in a marriage, so to that end a letter is good. Just be sure the letter isn't demanding, desperate, clingy, angry, etc.

 

Love, respect, trust, friendship, understanding are all key words for a letter

[Maladjusted]

I guess the biggest problem is that there is little communication. I am trying to give her her space so I am left jumping to conclusions.

 

Is this just a phase she is going through that she needs to work out alone or is she just wanting to leave? I don't know....

[TrustInYourself]

I'd just let her have all the space she needs to work things out on her own.

 

I'd keep things light and fun when you communicate. If she wants to escape or leave the marriage, some forms of communication are going to push her away or remind her of the reasons why she wants to leave. Arguments and bitter words are going to validate her thoughts and feelings about leaving.

 

What you need to do is focus on yourself. Focus on the things you can control. These times are perfect for reflection and self improvement. Take control of the situation by taking control of your life and your end of the relationship.

 

Read some books that interest you. Go out with friends. When you feel like you are jumping to conclusions or thinking too much about the situation, get away from the situation. Exercise, call your mom up, do something you did before you were married.

 

At some point, trying to read into her thoughts and actions is just going to work you into an emotional state that can't rationally act or respond. In this state, you're going to make decisions or take actions you may regret. This is where you let your emotions control you, rather than you control your emotions.

 

As far as communication, I agree with SD. Keep your letter light. The best way to do this is consider it a letter to a really good friend or neighbor. Don't get too deep. There are reasons for this.

 

When a wife wants out, the option for you to work on it is out the door in a sense. What you need to do is provide an avenue so that your wife feels comfortable enough to begin working on it with you. This could means months or possibly years of adjustment and understanding from the both of you.

[Maladjusted]

Well, I have new news.

 

I called her today because she indirectly told me that she wasn't coming with me to Las Vegas, so it will just be me and my son. I called her and told her that she could have told me directly that I would not have pressured her to come.

 

The funny thing is she is going out of her way to get my niece a gift and get my grandparents an anniversary gift.

 

So, I then proceeded to ask her if she had made a decision yet. I told her that I am not begging, not pathetic, that I just love my wife. I asked her if she believed me about the changes I would be making and she said to a certain extent. She says I will make them now but what about 5 years down the road with another kid? I told her to take the same leap of faith I did when I moved out here to be with her.

 

She told me she has not made a decision yet and will not make a decision until after I come back from Las Vegas. This really sucks.

[SingleDad]

Mal - seems like you are working in the right direction.

 

Except for one thing.... don't ask her to make a decision, not now, not after Las Vegas...

 

Any decision is just for that moment anyway... she needs to come to a conclusion without any time period or pressure attached...

 

She will only come to that conclusion over time by being with someone who makes her feel good, feel wanted, feel respected, etc.

 

Keep at it - It is a long road, not an overnight fix.

[Maladjusted]

She was the one that told me that she would come to a decision after the Las Vegas trip. She keeps telling me that she hasn't made a decision yet......funny how someone that goes to a Catholic mass doesn't honor her marriage vows.

 

Most people that I have talked to think that she is done with the marriage. I feel like sending her an email but nothing is working so why would an email work?

 

What I am really going to hate is if she has kept me waiting this long and already knows the answer.

[Maladjusted]

She had called me earlier today to tell me she was going to a baseball game with a friend from work. I asked her why she didn't invite me and then she said that could only invite coworkers.

 

She called me a little bit ago saying that she felt bad and wasn't going to go. I don't know if that is a good sign or not.

[sharebear823]

I'm sure it seems like a small thing to you, but small things take on a lot more importance than you may think.

 

I've told my husband countless times that I want him to ask me out on dates so that we can begin to reestablish our relationship. However, unless I constantly remind him, he never remembers. I could ask him and then he would do it, but the fact that I've already asked and he doesn't remember, to me signals he doesn't care enough to remember. That has factored into my decision bigtime.

 

My point is that the things she has brought up directly to you are the clues and keys to what she thinks she needs from you. If you pay attention to those, you will have a much better chance of succeeding (no guarantees, of course.)

[Maladjusted]

I'm sure it seems like a small thing to you, but small things take on a lot more importance than you may think.

 

I've told my husband countless times that I want him to ask me out on dates so that we can begin to reestablish our relationship. However, unless I constantly remind him, he never remembers. I could ask him and then he would do it, but the fact that I've already asked and he doesn't remember, to me signals he doesn't care enough to remember. That has factored into my decision bigtime.

 

My point is that the things she has brought up directly to you are the clues and keys to what she thinks she needs from you. If you pay attention to those, you will have a much better chance of succeeding (no guarantees, of course.)

 

That really makes a lot of sense to me. Looking back, there were so many things that she complained to me about and I just didn't listen the way I should. Sure, I responded, but I wasn't really listening to her.

 

When she comes home tonight I think I will apologize for all the things I didn't listen to. I didn't really hear what she was telling me nor do I feel I was there for her when I needed to be. All of these things built up and built up until she felt that seperation was the only thing to do.

[TrustInYourself]

That really makes a lot of sense to me. Looking back, there were so many things that she complained to me about and I just didn't listen the way I should. Sure, I responded, but I wasn't really listening to her.

 

When she comes home tonight I think I will apologize for all the things I didn't listen to. I didn't really hear what she was telling me nor do I feel I was there for her when I needed to be. All of these things built up and built up until she felt that seperation was the only thing to do.

 

Apologies are nice, but actions speak louder than words. Good luck!

[Maladjusted]

I realized after an argument this morning that there is nothing that I can say to win her back. What I realize is that all I can do is say things that will make her not want to come back.

[SingleDad]

Mal - do not try to hard - that will be obvious to her. You need to try to make subtle deposits to her love bank without withdrawals. i.e. positive interactions only...

 

This is something you would have to do all by yourself - completely altruistic, with no goal in mind other for her to be happy or enjoy spending time with you... or if nothing else, at least not dislike being around you...

 

It is a nearly impossible task and you need to be willing got sacrifice yourself to do it. The reward if there will be any someday... It that she will someday come to realize, on her own , that she enjoys being with you.

 

Most people are not willing to work that hard... but If you truly love your wife and want her back, that is what to do...

 

Believe me it is not easy - I am going through it right now... My STBXW has put up an Ice wall for months. Last night she wanted to see her daughter who was at my house - I gratiously allowed her to come over. She had a glass of water from the tap (when she drinks only bottled water), she stayed during dinner but declined to have anything for herself, said she felt uncomfortable at my house (she lived there for 5 years until last month), then finally stayed and had a beer on the patio and commented how big my backyard is (like she had never seen it). She barely talked (when she had always carried the conversation). It was akward, but just having her stay and us not argue was a great turning point.

 

... take baby steps... have light conversation in a positive light.

 

Good luck

[Maladjusted]

Well, last night it started when I went to the counselor's.

 

She had come home and I started firing away. I was watching the DVD from our wedding (which we have never even watched) and she came home and saw me watching it. She said "That is the last thing you should be watching right now". I looked at her and I said "That is the first thing you should be watching right now".

 

I left and went to the counselor's. The counselor doesn't even know what is going on. The counselor told me it didn't really matter what I said to her because she was closed off.

 

I got home and told her I loved her. She sat down and started talking. She told me she feels like she was more in love with the idea of marriage than loving me. In fact, she doubts that she ever did love me. She said that she just wants to be alone and that she doesn't want anyone else, doesn't want to date, just wants to be alone. In fact, she made an odd request. She wants our son to have a sibling and asked for my sperm because our child is so beautiful. At one point in the conversation she said that she felt she should just "cut her losses".

I just kept telling her the reasons she should stay. We have only been married a year and a half and we can still rebuild our relationship and the I loved her from the bottom of my heart.

 

Needless to say, I probably slept a whole 2 hours last night. I am haunted by nightmares of living alone and my wife and son with another man. I know I am powerless to stop it, but I can't stop thinking about it. This morning I lashed out angrily calling her cruel for referring to me as "cutting her losses". She then told me that she felt forced into having that conversation because I won't quit talking about the subject so I am gathering she may not really feel that way. I thought I had my answer last night but this morning she tells me to just leave her be and don't talk about it anymore because she hasn't made up her mind. This sucks.

 

Any advice about this and what sleeping pills work great? Exercise isn't working. I am smoking about a pack of day but smokes are the only thing that brings me some sort of peace. Thanks to everyone that has been gracious enough to read and give me feedback. You are much appreciated.

[SingleDad]

Mal - I can imagine that was an agonizing conversation last night... sorry to hear it.

 

she has made up her mind... you cannot convince her otherwise - stop trying now, right now!!! you are just reinforcing her decision. She does not love you anymore - face it

 

You must move on building yourself up.

 

Now get this straight - I am not telling you to find someone else. I am saying you need to leave the past behind you... and start new with this new person (your W).

 

 

What I am saying is - now everything you do your your W has to be subtle... subtle love deposits. You have to pretend like she is virtually a stranger (which she now is the emotionally). A person that you want to get to know. A person who you want to be friends with first. A person who you may want to start dating. To do that, you have treat her to same way you would treat someone new who you like.... start from scratch...

 

The hard part is she now only has bad feelings for you... first you have to eliminate these feelings - avoid any arguments, avoid any confrontations, avoid anything she doesn't want to hear. And only so nice things.

 

 

As far as being a sperm donor - I understand, part of me wants another sibling for my daughter so she is not alone and can grow up with a brother or sister. Unfortunately, that would put another child through a divorce and living between houses. Also the financial limitations - more daycare costs, more child support, more diapers and formula, etc. For me, I would have to see if we got back together and then wait a year or two and be convinced that we are back together for good.

[Maladjusted]

SingleDad I don't get it. If she is done with me than why won't she say so?

 

She told me that she felt like she was on pins and needles everytime she comes home. She also told me she likes my company but not the questions I am asking her because she doesn't know.

[SingleDad]

Mal - She will be done when she leaves and files for divorce... if you keep asking her it will be a self fulfilling prophasy..

 

Stop asking - stop drilling - no more questions about her feelings or her decision - in fact no more questions at all. she sees it as you "questioning her"

 

Take it one day at a time - have patience and perseverence.

 

Just be nice to her, laid back, try to enjoy her being around, help when she wants help... do what she wants.

 

It will take months for her feelings to change... to turn her in your direction, she needs to simply enjoy being with you.

 

That's it - that's all...

[Maladjusted]

Tonight I had thought about picking up dinner for her and then leaving shortly after she gets home to go and see a movie. What do you think?

[SingleDad]

Mal - tough ?... overt gestures can either work or backfire... if it's not something you would usually do she will either think that is nice or more likely that you are trying to hard and you'll never change.

 

If you generally pick up dinner then it might be better - then a more subte change is to get what she likes rather than what you like.

 

Subtle acts is the way to go - she needs to think nice thoughts subconsciously, not question your overt actions

[Maladjusted]

I think you are right. Though I would like to do something nice for her, I think she would probably view it as some sort of manipulation at the moment.