Owl Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 SD, I get your point, but I want to also point out that this is also all about setting precedence. Whatever he does now...he sets a precedence for how this is going to be handled going forward. If he waivers...if he "gives in"...he sets a precedent. If he stays strong on his boundaries...he sets a precedent. His wife is acting this way for one reason...the affair is still ongoing. I take back what I said about withdrawl...she's not there yet. She's still in contact with OM...via the texts that were sent, and undoubtedly some other way that Mal hasn't found yet. Her hostility is proof of that. She feels controlled...you're right. She feels that way because he's refusing to accept her affair. HE SHOULDN'T. He needs to remain insistent on what he's willing to accept in the marriage. OR she needs to get out. He needs to have some firm boundaries. 1. NC for life with OM. 2. Marriage counseling for BOTH of them. 3. She becomes "an open book", in order to regain his trust and to PROVE to him that the affair is over. That means no hiding ANYTHING...cell phones, emails, etc... 4. If she refuses any of this...she's welcome to find the door. (remember, she just quit her job...this may be harsh, but its a welcome bit of reality to let her run face into). If he doesn't do this...she's going to continue right on with what she's doing. She's not going to change. She's not going to suddenly decide to work on the marriage. He needs to be doing all of this ALONGSIDE the "carrot" of plan A. Meeting the EN's that he can. Changing his other behaviors as he should have been doing all along. Giving her the clear message that it CAN work out, if the affair is out of the picture. Right now, its NOT. JUST sitting there and 'loving her' will paint him as weak. Women don't respect a man who won't fight for them, who won't fight for what's right, who won't fight for what they need. If she can't respect him, she'll never love him. I firmly believe she needs a dose of harsh reality...that Mal has LIMITS, and she's pushing them.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Should I call the guy's wife? Expose it?
SingleDad Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Owl - I do not disagree with any of this advice... I am just concerned that she just came back - and is fully ready to walk out the door again. One push and that may just happen. Like you said before - maybe wait for the situation to cool down - maybe get comfortable being back in the house and enjoy it for a while and work on Plan A - making it nice to be home. Seems she has to feel that she has something to lose first, before these steps are taken. But Owl - you know more about this than me.
SingleDad Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Should I call the guy's wife? Expose it? I can't advise on this. Could backfire and both families face divorce.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 I think that I will speak with the counselor tonight and see what he thinks. I will trust his judgement. I do have the sinking feeling that this affair is not over, as much as I want to believe that it is. I get the feeling my wife probably loves the guy.
Owl Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Yes, I'd call his wife. What "proof" do you have to give her? I don't recall...did your wife confess? To what extent? Seriously...there are many reasons why you should. And bluntly...if your wife really IS in NC as she claims...she should never hear that you called his wife, right? Good way to see if she IS in NC or not, right?
Author Maladjusted Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 If you PM me, I will tell you how I found out that the dude was over at my house while I was out of town. She confessed.....but didn't tell me with who until I confronted her because at that point I knew who it was. Very true. I am just afraid that breaking up this guys marriage may just drive him even closer towards my wife. I'd actually thought about calling the company.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Yes, I'd call his wife. What "proof" do you have to give her? I don't recall...did your wife confess? To what extent? Seriously...there are many reasons why you should. And bluntly...if your wife really IS in NC as she claims...she should never hear that you called his wife, right? Good way to see if she IS in NC or not, right? I can show her text messages between her and him, plus the fact that she confessed to me and I have proof he was over at my house.
Owl Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Honestly...I think you should do it. Yes, it will create some additional stress between your wife and you if she hears about it. It ALWAYS does. But, its also the right thing to do. It also has the bonus of making further contact between your wife and him even more problematic if his wife decides to work on her marriage as well. Better to do it now while things are still rocky, than to wait and do it later when things are just starting to heal. Make sense?
Author Maladjusted Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 I will mention it to the counselor and see what he thinks of that. For all I know the guy could already be divorced. He'd be screwed in child support payments though.
SingleDad Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Very true. I am just afraid that breaking up this guys marriage may just drive him even closer towards my wife. I'd actually thought about calling the company. Dynamite has its useful purposes - but used improperly it can be very deadly. You are playing with dynamite... Only you can decide what you should do.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Dynamite has its useful purposes - but used improperly it can be very deadly. You are playing with dynamite... Only you can decide what you should do. The hell with that guy. He should have thought about that before he decided to bang my wife.
SingleDad Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Ok - then you have made up you mind... My reservation is that you are risking that your W and the OM (who may lose his W) may just find that no longer have their spouses and they stay together... expecially if your wife loves him. Maybe that is worth the risk... or maybe you feel that if she loves him and not you, then they deserve other.... screw them. Again - all I am saying is that is something only you can decide.
TrustInYourself Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Well, you are exhibiting controlling behavior and also a negative attitude. That's just going to reinforceher negative thoughts about working on the marriage. However, your behavior is completely justified. I think you are setting the correct precendence, as Owl mentioned, but your method of doing so with a negative, controlling, angry, exhausted tone is going against your efforts to keep things together. As far as contacting the other man's wife, I'd suggest doing it. It's not a matter of you trying to be controlling, but rather allowing the entire situation to be exposed and recognized for what it is. An affair. It will make things incredibly more difficult for her and him, if that's the case. I can relate to your emotional mindset. You're tired and angry. You feel justified. Right now your emotions are ramped up and you are pissed and exhausted. I don't know about you, but for me to end the marriage on that emotional note would be a mistake. Go to her, tell her what you need and want from your marriage. Don't do it in a negative fashion. Do it for both of you, without resorting to the anger, control, neediness. Do it with the best intentions and her best wishes in your heart. That's not going to be easy, especially how you feel right now. Time heals though. It's hard to smile when you feel like crying. Fake it until you make it man. Peace out and best of luck. I'm sorry to hear about the turn of events that has really worn you out. There's hope, if you want hope. Just be patient with yourself. Take care.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Well, you are exhibiting controlling behavior and also a negative attitude. That's just going to reinforceher negative thoughts about working on the marriage. However, your behavior is completely justified. I think you are setting the correct precendence, as Owl mentioned, but your method of doing so with a negative, controlling, angry, exhausted tone is going against your efforts to keep things together. As far as contacting the other man's wife, I'd suggest doing it. It's not a matter of you trying to be controlling, but rather allowing the entire situation to be exposed and recognized for what it is. An affair. It will make things incredibly more difficult for her and him, if that's the case. I can relate to your emotional mindset. You're tired and angry. You feel justified. Right now your emotions are ramped up and you are pissed and exhausted. I don't know about you, but for me to end the marriage on that emotional note would be a mistake. Go to her, tell her what you need and want from your marriage. Don't do it in a negative fashion. Do it for both of you, without resorting to the anger, control, neediness. Do it with the best intentions and her best wishes in your heart. That's not going to be easy, especially how you feel right now. Time heals though. It's hard to smile when you feel like crying. Fake it until you make it man. Peace out and best of luck. I'm sorry to hear about the turn of events that has really worn you out. There's hope, if you want hope. Just be patient with yourself. Take care. The counselor was no help at all. He barely listened to my situation and focused on me. Even he doesn't know what the hell she is doing. When I got home I talked to her. She feels she can't tell me what she wants to tell me because she isn't ready to talk yet. She told me to ride out the rest of the week and then we are supposed to talk to her dad on Sunday. Because of my current state she doesn't think I can "handle" what she wants to say. Talking to her family caused her to lose a lot of respect in her eyes. So, in short, I tried and failed. She isn't ready to talk. Meanwhile, I am only getting 2 hours of sleep a night.
SingleDad Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Sunday is not that long to wait... in the total scheme of things (I am not able to see my daughter until Labor day - W has her - things could be worse). In your W's mind set - she may be right... I'd practice learning to be like Gandhi for Sunday's revelation...sounds like it may be something you are not ready to hear... any explosive outbursts could kill it for you. The right approach - be truly passive, understanding, listening - may save you. good luck.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Her dad wants to talk to me about "understanding" her. I don't know why she wants to lay low until that day.
SingleDad Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I think it may be a good exercise for you to lay low and rejuvenate yourself - get a workout in and some sleep. Get some sleeping pills if you need them. Talk w/ W dad may be a good thing... there may be some things W may just not be able to tell you. Take it in stride... one day at a time
Owl Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Her dad wants to talk to me about "understanding" her. I don't know why she wants to lay low until that day. Frankly, because she's preparing a case against you. She's either planning on continuing the affair, or leaving on the premise that YOU are to blame for all the issues in the marriage. She's planning on making a break is my bet. Either running to OM, or "away" from you. Can you think of any OTHER reasons she'd have to do things this way?
Owl Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I'd agree on talking with Dad...but the other half of this needs to be you talking with HIM and explaining the affair and the damage that THAT is causing in your situation. Don't let him try to make this all seem to be your fault...'cause it AIN'T.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Frankly, because she's preparing a case against you. She's either planning on continuing the affair, or leaving on the premise that YOU are to blame for all the issues in the marriage. She's planning on making a break is my bet. Either running to OM, or "away" from you. Can you think of any OTHER reasons she'd have to do things this way? When I talked to him on Sunday he made it seem like there were simply some cultural differences to work through. He told me that everything was going to be ok. He is a good, honest man and I believe him.
TrustInYourself Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 The counselor was no help at all. He barely listened to my situation and focused on me. Even he doesn't know what the hell she is doing. When I got home I talked to her. She feels she can't tell me what she wants to tell me because she isn't ready to talk yet. She told me to ride out the rest of the week and then we are supposed to talk to her dad on Sunday. Because of my current state she doesn't think I can "handle" what she wants to say. Talking to her family caused her to lose a lot of respect in her eyes. So, in short, I tried and failed. She isn't ready to talk. Meanwhile, I am only getting 2 hours of sleep a night. The counselor is not going to address the issues in the manner you feel appropriate. He's going to address the issues that can be directly addressed by his audience and that's you. Listen, I can give you insight directly into the situation, but it will be hard to listen to. It will be hard to affect change, because it's part of who you are. Sometimes we have to make very honest and direct evaluations on who we are as a person to understand our impact in a relationship. Ask yourself what are you trying to accomplish by communicating? Changing her mind? Influencing her to work on the marriage? Communicate your feelings? I'm quite sure she knows how you feel. She cheated on you, yet you were willing to give it another shot. Your actions speak louder than words. What more could you convey by being patient, understanding, loving, caring, and happy regardless of the outcome? Nothing. So do that. If you want to read into the situation and let it control you, sure she's looking for a way to make a break. How about changing your perception? Are you not worn out? Are you not sick with grief? Are you not tired of this nonsense? Maybe it's your chance to make a break. It's your opportunity to be happy, regardless of whether or not your wife makes the choice you want her to make. You have lemons. Are you going to get pissed off and wear yourself out or are you going to make lemonade. That's entirely up to you.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Dude, I am at a point where I am just not happy period. This is the lowest I have ever been. I can't be happy because I have all of this weight on my shoulders. I just want to know what is going on so I can deal with it. I can't stand the unknown.
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