Author Maladjusted Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 You know, we talked a little last night about what had happened (I get bits and pieces here and there, I am trying to just focus on the present and future) one thing she commented on about the situation is that she didn't think her manager "had the guts" to make the moves he made on her. What the hell does that mean? Concerning her job and what happened, I don't think she really intended to quit because in her mind the affair or whatever it was was over. How can someone continue to work in an enviroment like that after something like that has happened? This is all strange to me.
TrustInYourself Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Any conversation about the other man would piss me off. How do you manage to stomach comments like that? If he is so gutsy, why isn't she with him. Oh yeah, he's not gutsy enough to leave his wife and kids. Dirt bag was gutsy cause he saw an oppurtunity and he had a hard on.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Quite truthfully, I am done asking about all that for the moment. Yesterday she seemed fine, and asked me if we were going to go out again this weekend. Honestly I don't know what happened there. I've seen a picture of the guy before and I surprised anything ever happened in the first place. I am not trying to be arrogant here but if she had gone for him she definetly would have been downgrading. Yeah, I hear you dude.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Alright people, I need your opinions please The more I think about everything I have been told by her, the more I am doubting the story I am being told. I have asked for counseling, and she is somewhat resistant to it. I am getting the feeling that the OM ended the relationship. A big part of me feels like calling him and just asking for his story. What do you think? Thanks to all for your help.
Owl Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 You can try calling him....but the odds of him telling you the truth are pretty slim. What specifically are you doubting? Why? And on the counseling thing...make this a BOUNDARY. Do NOT accept anything less than what you need to recover your marriage. This development isn't surprising...its pretty common. You may well go through a couple of "stages" like this until the full truth comes out and you're able to deal with everything. I'd have the concern that the affiar isn't ended yet, as well. She's still in daily proximity to OM. Also, has she shown any signs of depression/crying/anger since the time that you believe the affair ended? The end of an affair is a traumatic experience for a WS...its VERY much like watching a drug addict go through withdrawls, for the very same reasons. There are chemical reactions in the brain similar to drug withdrawl. If she's shown no sign of going through withdrawl, then I'd almost garauntee that the affair never ended.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 You can try calling him....but the odds of him telling you the truth are pretty slim. What specifically are you doubting? Why? And on the counseling thing...make this a BOUNDARY. Do NOT accept anything less than what you need to recover your marriage. This development isn't surprising...its pretty common. You may well go through a couple of "stages" like this until the full truth comes out and you're able to deal with everything. I'd have the concern that the affiar isn't ended yet, as well. She's still in daily proximity to OM. Also, has she shown any signs of depression/crying/anger since the time that you believe the affair ended? The end of an affair is a traumatic experience for a WS...its VERY much like watching a drug addict go through withdrawls, for the very same reasons. There are chemical reactions in the brain similar to drug withdrawl. If she's shown no sign of going through withdrawl, then I'd almost garauntee that the affair never ended. I don't see what reason he would have to lie. What I am doubting is the extent of the affair. However, her story would coincide with the fact that she doesn't feel anything for him because she shows no signs of withdrawal or anything. The way she described her interactions and feelings about him would indeed make me think that there would be no withdrawal. In fact, she has been fairly loving to me, telling me that she loves me and more frequent lovemaking. I am still so confused. I brought up counseling again and she told me she wanted to finish the work week and we would deal with it after her job ends.
SingleDad Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Mal - If you want to save the marraige - focus on making your W happy. Nothing else matters for now ... If she is happy with you and you are irresistible to her, everything else will go away. Speaking with OM will just anger yourself and your W. I'd avoid it.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Mal - If you want to save the marraige - focus on making your W happy. Nothing else matters for now ... If she is happy with you and you are irresistible to her, everything else will go away. Speaking with OM will just anger yourself and your W. I'd avoid it. What I am concerned with is this happening again in the future. What is more is that I don't know how to be irresistable to her.
Owl Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Just making her happy is NOT going to save your marriage. Have you read "Surviving an Affair", Mal? Or "His Needs/Her Needs"? You're doing the right thing by trying to work through all of this, by insisting that NC between her and OM is in place. By setting firm boundaries of what you will and won't accept in a relationship. Women don't love someone that they can't respect. You can figure out what her emotional needs are...meeting those needs makes you irresistable. That book, HNHN, outlines that very well. A good counselor can help you deal with this too. SD, has Dr Harley suggested you try to fill out an emotional needs questionairre from your wife's perspective? Something to consider.
SingleDad Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 SD, has Dr Harley suggested you try to fill out an emotional needs questionairre from your wife's perspective? Something to consider. I have the questionnaire and can fill it out... I know what her needs are - same as the rest of us - to be loved and listened to and understood. The difficulty is in doing that - then was hard to do - now she is too distant to even allow me to meet her needs.
Owl Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 You're right...everyone wants to be loved. The REAL thing behind that questionairre is...what makes her FEEL loved? Somethings 'mean more' to some people than others. Helping around the house isn't a major contribution into my wife's lovebank...but it is for some people. The intent was to ask if you had identified her top emotional needs on that list and worked out ways to start meeting them...its a little more specific than just "showing her you love her". It helps you target the specific things that would have the most impact.
TrustInYourself Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 What I am concerned with is this happening again in the future. What is more is that I don't know how to be irresistable to her. LOL, it's not that hard. Such deep thoughts and reflections on what it takes to be irresistable. First step should be to realize how special you are to your wife. She married you at one point! Do you know your wife? Do you know yourself? ex. Independence, confidence, humor, reliability, integrity, resolve, and a willingness to give and love. There are traits that people possess that are admirable and loving. Find the traits you possess that your wife values and accentuate them. Downplay your weaknesses and needs. Provide and love more than you take.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Guys I don't know if I can deal with this whole situation anymore. I feel like I am on the verge of an emotional collapse and I need help.
SingleDad Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Mal - I thought W was quitting her job so there will be no more contact with OM... i.e. moving forward toward reconciliation. Are you having difficulty coping with the Affair ?
TrustInYourself Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Get someone to talk to professionally. Get it out. Also if you need a break from your wife, take a break. You deserve one man. Don't short change your own mental health. If anything, communicate with someone whom you respect, trust and care about. I hope you take care.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Hey fellas. My wife did quit her job. However, on the last day of her job she went out to Dave & Buster's with "friends" from work. Oh, I was told her manager was not part of the group. She told me she would be home at 7:30. Well, 7:30 came and went and I called my wife because the baby was crying and there was no food in the house. She answered and told me that she wanted to "finish the game" before coming home. I repeated what was wrong at home and she said 'Just let me finish the game!" She ended up leaving at 8:15 and coming home around 9:20. We ate and she passed out on the couch. The next day, I was looking at her cell phone records and saw text messages to her work cell phone after she had turned in her work cell phone. There was one text message from her work cell phone to her personal cell phone, and she sent three responses. Two that night after 8:30 and one the next morning as soon as she woke up to feed the baby. I called her work cell and her manager answered. I hung up. I checked her cell phone and she had deleted the messages. I confronted her. She became angry and told me it was work related, that she had deleted them because she knew I would get angry either way. She then threw her cell phone and told me she would be changing her cell phone number and her email address and password and she wouldn't give me access to either of them. I replied that she was pretty much telling me she wanted a divorce. She said well whatever. I left the house and went to her folks house. I told them everything that has happened. We then went to her sister's house (whom I thought had known everything) and spoke with her. She knew nothing about the affair. In fact, my wife had told her that she was having an affair so I would divorce her. I confirmed with her sister that she did indeed have an affair. My father in law called my wife. She did not want to speak with him and was extremely angry with me for having told her family, but I didn't know who to turn to anymore. When I went home, we didn't say anything to each other. The next day, we spoke and it was angry at first with her saying F you to me and saying she wanted a divorce. She then told me she wanted to give the marriage 6 months and if it doesn't get better then we go our seperate ways. Her father came over later to talk to her. They talked for a good three hours or so. Her father thinks that the situation can be worked out, but that I need to trust her. He says that she was suppressing her feelings towards me for sometime and that the result of her suppressed feelings was the affair. We are supposed to both speak to him on Sunday. Since then things have been weird. She seems emotionally distant and was angry when I asked her about a charge today on our checking account. I asked her what she had for lunch and when she replied I told her there was a charge for a deli on our account that day and I was worried because I don't want to get in the negative. She said whatever and hung up the phone. Guys, I can't really stand being around her when she is like this anymore. I am about ready to throw in the towel. I sent her a letter of apology for involving her family with no response. She seems so uncaring and unloving that I don't know what to do or how to handle her anymore. I am thinking about just being open and honest with her about my feelings when I get home but I am not sure if that will work.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Mal - I thought W was quitting her job so there will be no more contact with OM... i.e. moving forward toward reconciliation. Are you having difficulty coping with the Affair ? Not so much the affair but her behavior after the affair. You would think someone in her position would do whatever it takes to show me that she is worthy of trust but she gets angry when I question things.
SingleDad Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Mal - you've done your bit and exposed the affair to her family. Obviously she will be angry with you - her cover is blown. Now you have to do your part. I think you are backtracking. Seems like the controlling tendancies are coming out. Stop being controlling... She has not come to you for forgiveness, guilt, and asking you to save the marrriage... Thus, monitoring her calls is not welcomed - it is just pushing her away - she sees it as controlling. Understandably you can not feel you trust her - but you situation is so delicate - you may need to try to overlook things... arguing and monitoring her every move will feel like a noose around her neck. All those steps of monitoring cell phone, be readily contactible, etc. are only valid when the Wayward spouse is willing to go along with those things until she can win back your trust. I do not think that is the case here. Just be loving and understanding and have her feel comfortable being home.
Owl Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 This all indicates that she's still not willing to take steps to recover the marriage. I'd wait a few days...let things calm down abit, and see what happens from there. You ARE setup for marriage counseling, yes? I'd get this started ASAP. Right now, she's conflicted on what she wants. Stick to "plan A" for now...and give time for her withdrawl over the end of the affair to set in. That doesn't mean give in to her, or be a doormat. It means try to meet the emotional needs you can, take care of yourself, and see where things go from here in the short term. Tell her father the truth...the truth is, you'd be an IDIOT to trust her right now. He needs to realize this...she SHATTERED that trust with her choice to have an affair. She needs to REBUILD that trust before you can just blithely 'trust her' when she goes out or does whatever. This is all part and parcel of her affair, and nothing more. Don't apologize for anything you've done up to this point. Exposing her affair was a GOOD thing. For now, show her how good things can be with you, without being her doormat. Give a day or two for the situation to cool down...then see where things go.
Owl Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 He NEEDS to monitor her... Or else she's going to resume the affair, and that WILL be the death sentence for his marriage. Don't confuse his monitoring with HER poor behavior.
SingleDad Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 You would think someone in her position would do whatever it takes to show me that she is worthy of trust but she gets angry when I question things. Regaining your trust is something she has to be willing to allow you to do if she wants to save the marriage. However, she feels like she is being trapped and any controlling behavior by you will reinvorce her feelings - and then she will not want to save the marriage. Again I would just be loving, understanding and make her feel welcome to be home.
SingleDad Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 He NEEDS to monitor her... Or else she's going to resume the affair, and that WILL be the death sentence for his marriage. Don't confuse his monitoring with HER poor behavior. Owl - yes I agree - I am glad you chimed in... but I think there is a fine line here. I think she needs to be willing to be allowed to be monitored to regain his trust - in order to save the marriage. But If she is not willing to accept that she made a terrible mistake, asks for forgiveness, and is willing to accept any steps that Mal feels in necessary to be able to regain trust - then taking these steps without her willing to accept them - will be viewed as controlling. I think there is a step that need to be taken first. she need to trust him and respect him and be firmly decided that she wants to save the marriage.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Well, I am seeing a counselor tonight and I told her. Actually, I told her I had a doctor's appointment and she replied "you mean counselor". I said yes. I then asked her to come with me and she said "No thanks, you do your thing. I told her it wasn't my thing it was our thing. She replied with "I will go when I am ready! You go now if you feel the need to."
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