Owl Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 How is she going to reassure you that she's not with OM during that time she's "working late"? Its her responsibility to find a way to PROVE to you that she's not using this as an excuse to resume/escalate the affair during this time. See what I'm saying?
Author Maladjusted Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 That I do not have an answer to. I am not at the job so I don't know. I guess I have to take a bit of a leap of faith here. I think the fact that she has put in her notice spoke volumes. I don't understand why she would quit her job and continue to string me along.
TrustInYourself Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Sometimes you just have to have faith that your love is real and it will carry you through. I wouldn't stress unless I found something to stress about.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 That's the thing. I can't believe she would tell me she wants to work on the marriage, quit her job, and continue to fool around. I feel that she has been honest with me about that. I just need to trust that her heart is with me and she really wants to work everything out. If it isn't, I will know sooner or later.
Owl Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Trust, but verify what you can. For example...have her give you her office number. You can call her randomly while she's at work and verify that she's at least there in the bldg. Can you go in with her after hours? Maybe read a book while she's working? Ask her to call you from the office periodically? Can you see where I'm going here? The thing is...you can't completely trust her now. She needs to recognize this, and take ownership of rebuilding that trust with you. FWIW...its entirely possible that she is focused on rebuilding with you...but all it takes is for her to slip up in NC with OM...and the affair is BACK ON. Right now...SHE CAN'T TRUST HERSELF. This is why BOTH of you need to ensure that you put in place whatever safegaurds you can to PREVENT it from kicking back off. Does THAT make any sense to you?
TrustInYourself Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I think it depends on your mindset. I'd let her do her thing. I'd trust her. You have nothing to lose by trusting her. If she wants to cheat, she should go for it anyways. That makes things so much clearer for you. That's what I would express to her. Open the door for her to leave and let her know, you're not playing around. Actually mean it when you say it too.
Owl Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 TIF...that's the thing tho...he SHOULD NOT trust her right now. Affairs are ADDICTIVE. VERY, VERY ADDICTIVE. She can't/shouldn't trust HERSELF right now. She's PROVEN to him by having the affair that she's not trustworthy right now. If he were to completely trust her at this point, he'd be a fool. It would be the same thing as trusting a crack addict who's overdue for his next fix with your wallet.
TrustInYourself Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 If she can't break her addiction, that's on her. Maybe he's being a fool by taking her back?
Owl Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Nope...because trust CAN be rebuilt. Marriages can recover. But its a PROCESS...that typically takes YEARS. I know...I'm in a marriage that HAS recovered from my wife's affair. Just because she's addicted now, just because she's not trustworthy now, doesn't mean that she will always be that way. But you don't lean up against the post with a sign on it that says "fresh paint". Or if you do...you reach out and touch the paint first to see if its dry. Otherwise, you gotta let the paint dry before you can lean up against it. You gotta get the situation to the point where she can earn that trust back BEFORE you start offering her that trust.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Hey fellas, As far as I am concerned, she has already rebuilt a measure of trust by putting in her notice at work. She has a work function during the day on Sunday to attend, and I am trusting her to go to that too. Honestly, if she is going to cheat again she is going to cheat, thenI will find out and leave the marriage. I'd lying if I said I trust her completely, but I made it very clear that if she goofs up again I will be gone. I think that if I continue to hound her it will only drive her away. I get upset every morning when she goes to work, but she assures me that she loves me and wants to work on our marriage, but to let her get through the next couple of weeks at work. We have a date planned for Saturday night, which we haven't done EVER.
TrustInYourself Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I'm happy for you. I hope things work out.
Owl Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I hope they work out for you as well. I look forward to you posting here that I was too doubting, and she exceeded all expectations. And I really mean that...I hope to hear it.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 I hope they work out for you as well. I look forward to you posting here that I was too doubting, and she exceeded all expectations. And I really mean that...I hope to hear it. No, I would never do accuse you of being too doubting. Your advice has been among the most valuable to me. It isn't that I disagree with you, I just feel that with a personality like hers that if I am too untrusting it will drive her farther away from me. I know that for the moment I have heard a lot of words, but I am starting to see some action too. Putting in her notice at work, spending quality time with me and the baby, telling me she wants it to work, etc. If she is still cheating I will eventually find out about it and get a divorce. There is no need for me to spend time on anxiety and doubt if the person that I am married to is not being sincere. When I confronted her about her manager I told her this was her last shot.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 I just wanted to stop in and give an update. Her job is ending in 2 weeks. We went out this weekend for the first time since we got married and we had a great time. She did go to the company baseball game because she was in charge of distributing tickets, but she took our son with her. One thing I wanted to note was that none of her friends know the truth of what she did. All they know is the issues she was having with me before the "event" took place.
TrustInYourself Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I just wanted to stop in and give an update. Her job is ending in 2 weeks. We went out this weekend for the first time since we got married and we had a great time. She did go to the company baseball game because she was in charge of distributing tickets, but she took our son with her. One thing I wanted to note was that none of her friends know the truth of what she did. All they know is the issues she was having with me before the "event" took place. Mmhmm. What's your point about the friends? Do you want them to know? Just curious.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 Mmhmm. What's your point about the friends? Do you want them to know? Just curious. One quality about me that most people really appreciate is that I am a really fair person. If I tell someone about an argument/disagreement I will tell the whole story, including what I did. Personally, I don't see what the point is in confiding in your friends if they aren't going to be told the whole truth. However, they aren't my friends so I guess it doesn't make any difference. I'd be curious to know what they would think if the truth came out.
TrustInYourself Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Haha, yeah that's interesting to think about. I'd leave it be. That's your wife's support system as well. I doubt they'd appreciate that form of honesty, unless it was from your wife. I could understand why you'd want to destroy that avenue of support. I'd have a hard time with my wife wanting some time for herself after what you've been through. Even if that was just time for herself with her girlfriends. Am I barking up the wrong tree here? I might be.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 I think it shows a true testament to her friends, that she would feel that she couldn't talk to them about something like that. It's not that I am interested in destroying that form of support, I just find it curious. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would've told my friends the truth because I would want an honest appraisal of the situation. From what I gather, in her mind she has seperated the issues we have. On one hand, there are things about me that I know I need to change and am in the process of changing, and on the other hand, the issue of her cheating.
TrustInYourself Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I think it shows a true testament to her friends, that she would feel that she couldn't talk to them about something like that. It's not that I am interested in destroying that form of support, I just find it curious. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would've told my friends the truth because I would want an honest appraisal of the situation. From what I gather, in her mind she has seperated the issues we have. On one hand, there are things about me that I know I need to change and am in the process of changing, and on the other hand, the issue of her cheating. I posted in another thread the differences betwen the way men and women listen and communicate. You want honesty. She probably wants affirmation, validation, and support. She woulnd't tell her friends because that would cause serious issues with their role as her friends.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 Good call. Even her family doesn't know the truth, with the exception of her sister.
Owl Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Have you read "the carrot and the stick of plan A" Have you used "the stick"? (the stick is exposing the affair to bring it to an end...asking friends and family to help you save your marriage by not supporting the affair and convincing the WS to end it) It doesn't make sense to do if the affair is ended for sure...but if its still ongoing...
Author Maladjusted Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 You know, who can say for sure but it is my belief that the affair or whatever the hell it was is over. I don't know for sure who ended it or why, but her actions have been pointing towards recommitting herself to me. Frankly, I just want her out of that job ASAP. Christ, I hope they don't try and have a going away party.
TrustInYourself Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 You know, who can say for sure but it is my belief that the affair or whatever the hell it was is over. I don't know for sure who ended it or why, but her actions have been pointing towards recommitting herself to me. Frankly, I just want her out of that job ASAP. Christ, I hope they don't try and have a going away party. Wouldn't that be a hoot.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 She told me yesterday that her manager (not the one in question, but his manager) may let her go on Friday and pay her for an extra week. She told me that she will be working late the next couple of days to get all the work done that she needs to get done by Friday. She seemed really stressed and tired yesterday and didn't say too much. This morning she told me she loves me and that this will all be over soon (the job).
pelicanpreacher Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Yeah, the grass is greener somewhere else. Yeah, usually because there's more manure on the otherside~ Reality? What a concept! Deal with it! I've always been crazy? But it keeps me from going insane! :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:
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