Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 Mal, call me up and I got your back. I'd love to get rid of some of this anger on a ****in douche bag that works at Target. Thanks man, I've got yours too.
Owl Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Mal, I'd suggest an opposite course from what others have recommended...and remember, I'm living in a marriage that is four years recovered from my wife's affair. Don't stop asking about the affair. Point blank...its the REASON you're in the crapstorm right now. Yes, there were underlying factors that led to it...and yes, they need to be addressed. BUT...the FIRST thing you need to do is to ensure that the affair is over and well and truly ENDED. Its like a disease...if you ignore the high fever and ONLY address giving antibiotics for the germs causing it, your patient won't live long enough for the TRUE cause of the problem in the first case to be addressed. The thing that's going to end your marriage and ruin any chances of reconciliation is the AFFAIR. The only way to deal with the affair is to get it ENDED as the first priority. After that, then there is recovery...both marital and personal. THEN you can start addressing the "why's"...and dealing with it yourself. Right now...the affair is the biggest blip on the radar screen, and the one that's going to kill your marriage the soonest. Deal with it first...THEN deal with the "issues" that led to it. Trust me...I've been there.
imagine Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I agree with Owl. This dude enables and supports an exit channel. Nuke 'em But not in vengeance, rather let it be understood by you and everyone else - you're fighting for your marriage. Fix the marriage later.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 How do you propose I go about "ending" the affair? Supposedly she called off whatever it was they had going while I was out of town. I think he held out hope that she would divorce me and would get with him. There are a lot of gray areas in what she has been telling me. The only underlying factors that I can see is that she addressed too much of her personal life with her coworkers and had way too much to drink at a work function. I've seen how she acts when she is really drunk so it isn't too hard for me to believe. How do I ensure that it is over?
Owl Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Mal, I don't remember if anyone made this suggestion to you yet...have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley? Check it out from your library or whatever...well worth the information in it. It can help you understand a lot, and gives you a good plan for recovering your marriage from all of this. One of the steps in that plan is "exposure". Its where you 'expose' the affair to those that matter to the people involved. You do so not out of vengeance or anger, but asking for their assistance in putting pressure on the affairees to end the affair. Even if its ended at this point, telling his wife will hopefully cause her to start watching and tracking him....which should help prevent the affair from restarting, as I've said earlier. Focus on the steps you need to rebuild your marriage. The first major obstacle is the affair...address that first. Once its ended, you can work on the why's/how's/etc... as part of normal recovery. Part of this is going to entail how your wife will rebuild your trust in her. That's going to be a MAJOR step for her. That means you need to understand her affair, how they communicated/carried on the affair, so that you can look for ways for your wife to PROVE to you that its not going on any longer. Make sense?
SingleDad Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 OWL - is the master of Plan A and B of Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" Mal - get that book asap.
Owl Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Hey guys...I'm not a master of anything. I'm another guy who went through a rough time, just like ya'll. I'm on the other side of the crisis from where ya'll are, and post here to try to help others get there. That's it. My advice is based off what I've learned through all of this stuff. That book I recommended is a great help in recovering your marriage after a spouse's affair. Ending the affair isnt' easy, but the trick is to make the affair a FAR less fun place, and the marriage a much better looking opportunity. That's what plan A and plan B are all about. What you need to do Mal is plan A...take a look at SD's thread for what I posted about that a while ago.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 From what she is telling me, she is the type of person that can't be alone. Thus, if things failed with me, he would have been her "backup" in a sense. Because she had slept with him and had felt that signaled the end of our marriage, she felt an obligation to try and make things work with him. The same thing happened with her first boyfriend. Because she lost her virginity to him, she felt that meant she had to try and make it work even though he was a jerk. I guess I don't really have anything to lose by contacting his wife, but a friend had told me that this was between my wife and me, and not anyone else. I feel an obligation to let his wife know simply because I would want to know if I was her. I was wanting to wait until my wife left her job until I contacted his wife but I am not so sure.
TrustInYourself Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I would. I'm vindictive though. To hell with his life and his wife. Crush them all. Drop that nuke.
SingleDad Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Mal - it is a risky proposition... you need to separate her from the person she has an affair with... yet risk her being fired or becoming vindictive you went behind her back telling on the affair (though she had the affair). I will defer judgement. Owl's closest to this situation.
TrustInYourself Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 SD with the cool rational train of thought. I don't know. Do you want to build or destroy? I guess my current perspective is one of trying less and gaining more.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 Man, I am still really confused about what to do here. I guess I am just going to have to watch her actions and not her words.
TrustInYourself Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I wish I could be more helpful. If it was me, you know I would tell that guys' wife. She deserves to know. Air the dirty laundry so everyone can move on. Hence, drop a fudgin NUKE on them bitches!
SingleDad Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Actions speak louder than words. Do not act off of emotions - they will lead you astray. Act off of your convictions - do what you believe is the right thing to do. Would you be sorry later if you did X ? Would you be sorry later if you didn't do X? Use rational thought in all of your actions. If you are not sure - back off / break away until you have a clear head and have though it over. Most of all, focus on your son and try to avoid letting your emotions take control over you. Your son needs you.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Well, we had a really good talk last night that lasted for well over an hour. I see how things got to the point that they did with the two of us. I see how some of the things I said and way I acted kind of opened the door for what happened. Not that I am to blame for what happened, but I will tell you how things led to where they did. Back in December, when the baby was about 5 months old, my wife had finished her college degree and wanted to rest. Instead of supporting that, I told her that she needed to go to work. She had wanted to work part time to spend time with the baby and be at home doing things around the house. Instead of having an open dialogue about this, I kind of shut any conversation down by saying she needed to work full time period, that I would like to stay home with the baby too, etc. That is what started the downward spiral. She had felt that if I was supportive of her I would have taken the time to assess how she was feeling, have an open conversation, assess the finances, etc. I didn't do that and she felt that I didn't love her the way a husband should love his wife and that she couldn't talk to me. In March, she didn't really want to take the job that she had but felt forced to by me. Shortly after taking the job, she did in fact complain about being tired and fatigued and all I said was "Well, we need the money". The way I had acted led to a loss of respect for me. She was feeling down and I didn't do anything to help that. When she was at work with this manager, she didn't talk much about me (which probably started everything) and then started to open up about her personal life which led to the emotional affair beginning. There are many other things that I could have done differently but at least I will have the chance to do them now. She talked about the things she will do differently and is already starting to do them. She didn't put in her notice at work yesterday but is going to do so today. She came home at a reasonable time yesterday, made dinner, and we actually did it last night. It was better than it has been in I don't know how long. I plan on dating her more, and taking her out to do things. I guess we will see where it goes. We can only take it one day at a time.
SingleDad Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Communication is good - congrats... seems like you are on the road to reconciliation. Wish I were !!!
Owl Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 15 hours/week. Try to spend a dedicated 15 hours/week with your wife. No TV, no distractions...think of it as date time, or whatever. But its time you should spend with her, either just talking, or doing something together. Interactive time that will rebuild the connections between you. Remember when you first met her, and all the time that the two of you spent together talking/having fun/etc...? There ya go.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 But its time you should spend with her, either just talking, or doing something together. Interactive time that will rebuild the connections between you. Remember when you first met her, and all the time that the two of you spent together talking/having fun/etc...? There ya go. This has been part of the problem. We were in a long distance relationship for 2 years. When I moved here in 06, we only had a month and a half together before we got married and then she was pregnant. We never really did get the time to date or go out and do things together. This weekend we are going to go to dinner and then have drinks somewhere and really make more time for each other. I am really hopeful for the future but damn I just want this job of hers to be over and done with. Its like I still have anxiety no matter how much she reassures me.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Communication is good - congrats... seems like you are on the road to reconciliation. Wish I were !!! Well, one thing to keep in mind is that when she felt I was "done" with everything, when I was done and not answering her calls and giving her the cold shoulder, that is what made her kind of snap to and realize "Ok, this guy isn't going to put up with this anymore". Maybe you should do the same. How long should we put our lives on hold? Trust me, reconciliation is and always was my objective but I realized there was only so much I could do.
Owl Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Mal, that anxiety is going to be a part of your life for a while. It was a tagalong part of her choice to cheat on you. You CAN'T trust her right now. You SHOULDN'T. You'd be an idiot to do so, because she has clearly demonstrated to you that she's not trustworthy. She can get it back. Over time, with effort on her part. Taking all the actions she needs to take...like changing her job. Like sending an NC letter to her OM. Like making her life an open book. Explaining to you how she "got away with it" as long as she did, so that you know how to check up on her to make sure she's still not getting away with it. By showing true remorse for what she's done. By going to MC with you and demonstrating her love to you through making the changes in her behavior and attitudes that will allow your marriage to be so much better. By giving you the chance to do the same. But...she's not THERE yet. This is the BEGINNING. This isn't a sprint footrace...this is a MARATHON. Its going to take the two of you YEARS to recover from this. Two years is considered the MINIMUM. Have you started marriage counseling?
Author Maladjusted Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Mal, that anxiety is going to be a part of your life for a while. It was a tagalong part of her choice to cheat on you. You CAN'T trust her right now. You SHOULDN'T. You'd be an idiot to do so, because she has clearly demonstrated to you that she's not trustworthy. She can get it back. Over time, with effort on her part. Taking all the actions she needs to take...like changing her job. Like sending an NC letter to her OM. Like making her life an open book. Explaining to you how she "got away with it" as long as she did, so that you know how to check up on her to make sure she's still not getting away with it. By showing true remorse for what she's done. By going to MC with you and demonstrating her love to you through making the changes in her behavior and attitudes that will allow your marriage to be so much better. By giving you the chance to do the same. But...she's not THERE yet. This is the BEGINNING. This isn't a sprint footrace...this is a MARATHON. Its going to take the two of you YEARS to recover from this. Two years is considered the MINIMUM. Have you started marriage counseling? We were in marriage counseling before and it didn't really work for her. She seems to already know what the problems are. I think it helped me to understand her more than anything else. My point of view is that what happened, happened. What I am interested in is rebuilding the marriage. She has explained to me how she managed to keep it a secret, because every conversation or whatnot happened at the workplace. Her attitudes and behaviors are already starting to change. No, I don't completely trust her yet and like she told me yesterday, we have to take things one day at a time. The nice thing is that she is telling me that she loves me again, and why she loves me. She told me that she used her manager more than anything else as someone to listen to her vent since I wasn't listening.
Owl Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Mal, I understand and can appreciate that mindset. But here's my concern for you, my friend. If the two of you don't DEAL with the affair, and instead treat it as a symptom and move on in that fashion...you won't recover. Anger will creep up over it later, and you won't have the outlet to address it. And, your wife may well creep back INTO her 'affair mindset' if things start to seem shabby again later on in your marriages. Marriages ALWAYS have those ups and downs. So treating it like its already in the past often ends up coming back as a major issue later in the marriage. Dealing with it now will help prevent that from happening. See what I'm saying? As far as MC...if your wife didn't participate, didn't provide her input or do her part...then of course it didn't do much good. But that should be different now, if she's truly had an epiphany as a result of her affair, no? For my wife and I, MC was a main place we could sort through everything as a result of the affair. My pain/hurt/anger, her feelings about the affair, what both of us felt led to the affair, how to build up her boundaries so that she'd not risk something like this again...all of that.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 You know, I think you are right. At some point this week, I am going to sugest that we go to counseling again (different counselor) for the affair and see what her reaction to it is. I think your point about creeping back into the affair mindset is more than enough reason to go.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 I just wanted to give everyone an update on how everything was going. My wife put in her three weeks notice yesterday that she was leaving her job. She warned me that she may have to work late over the next few weeks to get everything straightened out at work. I am doing ok. I still have anxiety, but she keeps reassuring me that she loves me and wants to be with me for the long haul.
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