Ladyjane14 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Well, it is over. I saw some more sneaky behavior yesterday, confronted her on it, and she says she is done with the marriage. That's fine by me. I did the best I could. In the end, she is right. I could never trust her again with her behavior since she has gotten this new job and I could never trust her around alcohol or whatever. What is sad is how many people she is hurting by her actions. My family flat out hates her, and her family isn't too happy with her either. I think she was right on a couple of points though. She got married too young and was probably more in love with the idea of love than me. I just want to get this over with and for her to be as far away from me as possible. Sorry... I'm not buying the whole "I got married too early" line. It's just more fogtalk, just another rationalization for why it's okay to abandon her commitment. Put on your waders. The sh*t's getting deep. See an attorney, hon. I know you guys don't have alot of assets, but don't get screwed on child custody. Mothers don't automatically get primary anymore.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 The more and more I think about it, the more I think that there is an affair going on with her manager. I'll let you all know what happens tomorrow.
Owl Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I agree with LJ...I know...big shock! Hehehehe Don't let her take you. And there is NO requirement that you accept anything she claims. That "married too young" is a long standing copout. My wife and I have been married 20+ years now. We "married young"...went through a rough time like you're dealing with now...and our marriage is VERY much recovered at this point. It sounds to me like you do have an ongoing affair happening right now. The question that remains is one of GOALS...what do you WANT to happen from here?
Author Maladjusted Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 God help me Owl I dont know. This morning she wrote me a letter of apology, telling me that i am the best thing that ever happened to hher and that she loves me. I am so confused.
jon01 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Mal, you should put 100% of your focus and energy into fighting for custody of your son. It would be the best thing for your son, and for you. And it will really be the ultimate pay back to your (STBX) wife.
SingleDad Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 God help me Owl I dont know. This morning she wrote me a letter of apology, telling me that i am the best thing that ever happened to hher and that she loves me. I am so confused. Your W is just as confused as you are.... I have seen this with the shoe on the other foot... Husband wanting to stay married to the wife at home who cares for the kids while he is living with the girlfriend and cannot give either of them up. Since your are the caregiver, I can see how the roles are reversed. You need to stary reading Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and related articles at marriagebuilders.com expose the affair... break it up... and tempt her to come back to you that you can love her more and better than anyone else can.
TrustInYourself Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 There will be ups and downs. I had to separate my emotional and rational thought processes. If I let my emotions run my thoughts, I found myself angry and unproductive. When I was rational, I still hurt, but I found that I could focus on my daughter and myself more. Be cautious with how you react to her. My personal opinion, is she is testing the waters, wondering the extent of her control on your emotions. Wondering if you don't miss her. Wondering if she has your emotions and heart at her whim. Be guarded and mysterious. It can't hurt your position. As far as book suggestions, I highly suggest reading anything related to divorce/separation/affairs/building on marriage. If you are looking for hopeful books, try Michelle Werner-Davis. If you are looking for books on just getting it done, there are a few legal books about how to own the court process in a divorce from a legal perspective. In any case, be prepared for any eventuality. Talk to a lawyer. Get your finances in order. Etc. Best of luck.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 Well, here is what happened. When I came back into town, she told me that she wanted to quit her job and work part time to be at home more. Sooner or later, I figured out what happened and confronted her on it. The cheating occurred with her manager at work. After the initial drunken encounter, an emotional affair occurred. My wife thought that her drunken cheating was a sign that she didn't love me and thought that because she cheated that I would leave her. Thus, an emotional affair with the married manager began and her treatment of me and wanting to seperate. This past weekend was great. She seemed back to her old self and we had a great weekend. She is putting in her 3 weeks notice today. Her fear is that this will really hit me later on and I will want to leave her. I bought some books this weekend on recovering from infidelity and what I have read so far has helped me. I am not really interested in confronting the manager, but I do think that the guy's wife should know about it (I know I would want to know). What do you all think?
TrustInYourself Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 That's a hard one. Who is this guy going to run to if you trash his marriage? Maybe the fact that he was married is the reason he told your wife it wouldn't work and the reason she's back with you? Not trying to be a pessimist, but I think you should leave it alone.
Owl Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I would agree that the manager's wife needs to know...she deserves to know, just as you deserved to. Whether you want to be the one to tell her or not is up to you. One thing to think about...if his wife is "on to him" about this...that'll make resuming the affair that much more difficult for him and your wife both. And trust me...that's a COMMON occurrence. It normally takes a couple of "tries" before the end finally hits. Your wife raises a VERY valid concern, btw. Reconciliation is a PROCESS...it normally takes about two years for a marriage to recover from an affair. Part of that process WILL be anger on your part...it will happen to some degree at some point. Marriage counseling is your best bet to help get worked through this. I've been there...
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 That's a hard one. Who is this guy going to run to if you trash his marriage? Maybe the fact that he was married is the reason he told your wife it wouldn't work and the reason she's back with you? Not trying to be a pessimist, but I think you should leave it alone. He never told my wife it wouldn't work. My wife told him it wouldn't work and she wanted to work on her marriage. Were it up to him, he probably would have kept it going. She tells me that he had feelings for her but that she didn't have any for him. The emotional part of the affair began because he was the only one that she could turn to.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 I would agree that the manager's wife needs to know...she deserves to know, just as you deserved to. Whether you want to be the one to tell her or not is up to you. One thing to think about...if his wife is "on to him" about this...that'll make resuming the affair that much more difficult for him and your wife both. And trust me...that's a COMMON occurrence. It normally takes a couple of "tries" before the end finally hits. Your wife raises a VERY valid concern, btw. Reconciliation is a PROCESS...it normally takes about two years for a marriage to recover from an affair. Part of that process WILL be anger on your part...it will happen to some degree at some point. Marriage counseling is your best bet to help get worked through this. I've been there... I asked my wife a little about him and she told me that he claims that his wife had cheated on him. I told her that he was probably feeding her lines to make him seem like a better guy than what he is. It galls me that she will have to work with this guy for the next three weeks. My anger lies more with the way she treated me and blamed for things over the course of the past month and a half. That hurt me more than anything else. I agree that it will take me some time to get over everything, but I love her and want to make our marriage work.
TrustInYourself Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 It's a long hard road. There will be ups and downs. Is she going to make excuses for her behavior if things go wrong again? I'm sorry I'm so jaded. I'm just hurt and bothered at the moment by my own situation. I feel hopeless and angry so my questions probably have that "feel" to them. Wishing you the best.
SingleDad Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Mal - I would stop asking anything about the affair - you are just hurting yourself by asking in more ways than one. You know there was an affair - that is all you need to know. Can you repair your marriage ? That depends on you and W. If you both want to - you can do it. Start taking steps forward, instead of backward steps into the dark side.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 It's a long hard road. There will be ups and downs. Is she going to make excuses for her behavior if things go wrong again? I'm sorry I'm so jaded. I'm just hurt and bothered at the moment by my own situation. I feel hopeless and angry so my questions probably have that "feel" to them. Wishing you the best. Well, that part we haven't really sorted out yet. Thanks for all of your help. I'll do what I can to advise you if I can. I wish you the best too.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 Mal - I would stop asking anything about the affair - you are just hurting yourself by asking in more ways than one. You know there was an affair - that is all you need to know. Can you repair your marriage ? That depends on you and W. If you both want to - you can do it. Start taking steps forward, instead of backward steps into the dark side. Yes, but I am a big believer on learning lessons from the past so that they don't happen again. I am not as concerned with the affair as much as I am concerned with the causes of it. Yes, we both want to repair our marriage and I think we started taking steps in that direction this past weekend. We hugged, we kissed, all the stuff that we haven't done in I don't know how long. I am kind of blown away because I thought when I was coming home that this was the end. I am kind of in shock that things are slowly working themselves back to the way they were before and perhaps better than they were before. One thing I learned that I shared with her is that she shared too much personal information about our life together with her coworkers. I told her that she needs to reserve the personal information for us and not anyone else.
TrustInYourself Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Only with absence does a wayward spouse learn to appreciate what a loving spouse has or had to offer. Sometimes it takes days. Sometimes weeks. Sometimes months. Sometimes years. The question is, after all that are you willing to love them again as they sort that out. I don't know the answer to that question anymore for myself. That's why I'm so pissed and confused.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 I would agree that the manager's wife needs to know...she deserves to know, just as you deserved to. Whether you want to be the one to tell her or not is up to you. I really think the dude's wife should know. My family tells me to stay out of it, but I can't help but think that if I were her I would want to know. I am not really afraid of the backlash because if this guy so much as looks at me sideways ill smash his teeth so far down his throat he'll have to sit on his dinner to eat it. However, he knows where I live and that concerns me.
TrustInYourself Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I really think the dude's wife should know. My family tells me to stay out of it, but I can't help but think that if I were her I would want to know. I am not really afraid of the backlash because if this guy so much as looks at me sideways ill smash his teeth so far down his throat he'll have to sit on his dinner to eat it. However, he knows where I live and that concerns me. Why does that concern you?
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 Because if the guy loses his wife and kids he may seek revenge.
SingleDad Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Mal - I do not know if it would be a good thing to tell the other wife. Maybe better to hold that in reserve to be sure the affair actually ends - if it doesn't then pull out your card. Bringing out the affair to the other W could get your W fired, etc. REvenge is not a great strategy. Though it would also keep her from the OM - she should probably change jobs if she wants to show you she wants to repair your marriage.
TrustInYourself Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Mal, call me up and I got your back. I'd love to get rid of some of this anger on a ****in douche bag that works at Target.
Author Maladjusted Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 Mal - I do not know if it would be a good thing to tell the other wife. Maybe better to hold that in reserve to be sure the affair actually ends - if it doesn't then pull out your card. Bringing out the affair to the other W could get your W fired, etc. REvenge is not a great strategy. Though it would also keep her from the OM - she should probably change jobs if she wants to show you she wants to repair your marriage. Yeah, you are right. I may hold it in reserve. My wife is quitting her job anyways. I'd love to see this asshat get fired and have his wife leave him.
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