Seperation uncertain

[Maladjusted]

Going to her manager and or company could likely just get her fired... then maybe pay alimony... Do you think she would respect you for it ? Do you think it would save your marraige ? Definately not...

 

Nothing good could come from it

 

Exposing the affair is between you and her... on a road to healing.

 

The hell with respect I just want to feel a little satisfaction. Or do you think that she respected me when she f***** some random guy at a work party while her husband was at home watching their infant child?

[SingleDad]

now, now,

 

I know you hate her now... but revenge is not the answer if you want to save your marriage. Voice your anger toward the affair if you want - you have a right to show her you are angry at what she did and that you do not approve - but revenge will only make things worse.

[Billy Bob]

I don't know if it is a full blown affair or not. I didn't catch her cheating, she confessed it. It happened a week before she announced that she wanted to seperate. I saw the text messages on the cell phone record the night it happened and one or two the next day or two afterwards. The sick thing about it all is that she and I had sex the next morning, before she had a shower. God I feel like having my twig and giggleberries pressure washed.

 

She said that they both agreed it was a mistake. Who knows if it is the truth or not but I haven't seen the dude's number show up again.

 

Don't believe anything she tells you anymore Mal.. Its all going to be crap.. what she thinks you want to hear.. Some of us have been though it before and have seen it all. It's amazing how similar people behave to one another.. She's probably been sleeping around for a while.

 

If I were you I would be drawing up divorce papers, make them to your benefit. Do a credit check, figure out what open joint accounts you have, get ready to cancels all joint accounts the day you serve her with divorce papers. Do all this under the radar, don't let her know what you are doing.. keep acting pathetic and needy.

 

She wants her freedom right now, you might be able to get a great settlement if you play this right... before she comes out of the affair fog and decides she wants to make you pay for supposedly ruining her life.

 

Mal, once a spouse/partner has acted like this... showing their true colors like this.. You need to try and get over her and find someone worth your dedication and affection. The longer you try to keep patching the sun rotted rubber raft of a marriage the worse it will get.

 

Ask yourself, would you ever have married or dated someone who treated you like this? I bet the answer is "No".

 

GL

[Maladjusted]

Don't believe anything she tells you anymore Mal.. Its all going to be crap.. what she thinks you want to hear.. Some of us have been though it before and have seen it all. It's amazing how similar people behave to one another.. She's probably been sleeping around for a while.

 

If I were you I would be drawing up divorce papers, make them to your befefit. Do a credit check, figure out what open joint accounts you have, get ready to cancels all joint accounts the day you serve her with divorce papers. Do all this under the radar, don't let her know what you are doing.. keep acting pathetic and needy.

 

She wants her freedom right now, you might be able to get a great settlement if you play this right... before she comes out of the affair fog.

 

Mal, once a spouse/partner has acted like this... showing their true colors like this.. You need to try and get over her and find someone worth your dedication and affection. The longer you try to keep patching the sun rotted rubber raft of a marriage the worse it will get.

 

Ask yourself, would you ever have married or dated someone who treated you like this? I bet the answer is "No".

 

GL

 

I don't think that she has been sleeping around for a "while" we have a one year old. Matter of factly, she isn't really telling me anything that I want to hear.

 

To be honest dude there really isn't much to divide and divorce shouldn't take long. I am no longer acting pathetic and needy. What's the point? The only time she reacted and told me she cheated is when I showed anger over the divorce.

 

The answer to your question about would I have married or dated somebody like her is a resounding "F*** no". I do have a child with her and I am thinking of him when I am making my decisions.

[Maladjusted]

I feel like calling this guy and asking him "Dude, you had to know she was married with a baby...."

 

Another question is how many guys pack condoms to a work party? She told me the guy used protection.

[Billy Bob]

The hell with respect I just want to feel a little satisfaction. Or do you think that she respected me when she f***** some random guy at a work party while her husband was at home watching their infant child?

 

Really, don't waste your time exposing her affair.. Won't do you any good and will just make her hate you and figure out a way to get you back. Start plotting! That's what I did.... I have the family home and custody of my kids.. play smart now.

 

She is of the mindset that life is going to be a party, the lawn is greener over the fence. She probably doesn't want full custody of your child, right now.. as that would cramp her style. Use this time to your advantage..

 

Play the doormat routine, use it to your advantage...

[Maladjusted]

At the moment I could care less if she hates me or not. You have read about what I have been through the past month and a half. What could be worse? Even after cheating she acts like she couldn't give a ****. After confessing, she told me that she felt relieved that she had gotten it out. I asked her if she wanted to go to church on sunday to confess (I thought it might help) but she told me she wasn't ready for that yet. I don't know why.

 

After moving where I did, giving up family and friends and then getting hit with this I would love to inflict a little damage of my own.

[Maladjusted]

One thing I could kick myself for was acting like a little whiny b**** through the whole thing. I guess it just came out of nowhere and I was totally unprepared for what happened.

[SingleDad]

Mal - You have likely assumed that there was an affair or an OM... Now you know and are no longer in doubt.

 

Deep down - do you love your wife ? Do you want to keep her ? or do you want her to run into the arms of another man ?

 

What you say and do now and the near term will affect your long term future... You are at rock bottom

 

You need to clear your thoughts and learn what you really want before you react to your surface emotions.

[Billy Bob]

The hard thing for you is that unless you can swing full/sole custody of your child.. You and your ex-wife will be locked to your current geographical location. I assume you probably would prefer to go back to your friends/family and she probably wants to stay where she is...

[Maladjusted]

Mal - You have likely assumed that there was an affair or an OM... Now you know and are no longer in doubt.

 

Deep down - do you love your wife ? Do you want to keep her ? or do you want her to run into the arms of another man ?

 

What you say and do now and the near term will affect your long term future... You are at rock bottom

 

You need to clear your thoughts and learn what you really want before you react to your surface emotions.

 

Yeah I know.

 

Yes, I love her or I wouldn't be posting. Do I want to keep her, yes. However, my keeping her is conditional upon changes that need to be made and I am not sure if she'd even want to stay.

 

Obviously, there is nothing I can do to prevent her from running into the **** of another man

 

I know. She just doesn't communicate well and it is really starting to piss me off. I hate waiting.

[Billy Bob]

Mal - You have likely assumed that there was an affair or an OM... Now you know and are no longer in doubt.

 

Deep down - do you love your wife ? Do you want to keep her ? or do you want her to run into the arms of another man ?

 

What you say and do now and the near term will affect your long term future... You are at rock bottom

 

You need to clear your thoughts and learn what you really want before you react to your surface emotions.

 

Sometimes you need to grow a pair and take out the garbage.

[Gunny376]

The hell with respect I just want to feel a little satisfaction. Or do you think that she respected me when she f***** some random guy at a work party while her husband was at home watching their infant child?

 

 

This post is a classic example of your being on the emotional rollercoaster that your own.

 

Be careful Bro, don't do something that you will regret later. Don't bite off your own nose to spite your face!

 

You need to just back off and figure out what your priorties and goals are here? FORGET HER and her wants and needs! What are yours in life? Where do you envision yourself five, ten, twentry years down the road?

 

Then factor in the variable of your child.

 

You've got the benefit of years upon years of education, knowledge, and experience here via the internet.

 

Via your most recent post ~ you're not in control of your emotions, and that being so ~ if your not in control of your emotions ~ they're in control of you!

 

Rare is the person that "keeps their head about them" when all others are losing theres? Its only been through age, maturity, and my miltary training in the Marine Corps that I've learned to do so. It mostly comes from aging. Learning not to sweat the "small stuff" ~ and its all in the end small stuff.

 

When all is said and done? We've all got just just two things to worry about. Weather we're healthy or ill? If we're healthy? We've nothing to worry about. But if we're ill, we STILL only have two things to worry about. Wheather we're going to live or die.

 

If we live? We've got NOTHING to worry about, but if we die? We STILL only have just two things to worry about?

 

Wheather we're going to Heven or Hell. If you go to Heven you've nothing to worry about? But you go to Hell, it won't make a damn because you'll be too damned BUSY saying Hello to all your friends and relatives!

 

Trust me my friend! If you've got your health, your strength, and your freedom? Your ahead of "the game"

 

If you live in the "Western" World ~ your way, way, way ahead of the game. $20 a week in China ~ is good MONEY! Your typical average everyday Mexican in Mexico earns less than $100 a month!

 

Count your blessings ~ not you sorrows.

 

At the end of each day? Say to yourself over and over! "I've been blessed, Thank God,......................................and then count off your blessings.

 

And then say to yourself, "No Matter what! It will be alright!" I learned this from a man that raised six children, lived through the Great Depression, WWII, and lost a wife and child to cancer and a son in Vietnam.

 

In the end?

 

IT WILL BE ALRIGHT!

[Owl]

Great advice, Gunny.

 

Long term...you WILL be alright, Mal. Look at all you've gone through so far in your life...and you've been alright. You're in a rotten situation right now, that's for sure. But you won't be in that rotten situation forever, one way or another. Either your marriage will recover, or it won't...but either way, you'll still be alright.

 

I disagree with CTA's advice...exposure...done right (ala Ladyjane, for example) can be a huge factor in saving your marriage.

 

First off...calm down as much as you can. That "processing time" LJ and I both suggested. Feel free to fantasize about what you "might do"...I did a lot of that when I was sitting in your situation. Nearly did some of it, too. Which would have been REAL bad...like Gunny, I'm a combat vet. My way of dealing with a threat is to remove it...permanently. Its a good thing I didn't...because I wouldn't be sitting in a very well recovered marriage right now.

 

Take a few days before you do ANYTHING. If you decide to expose after that...do it with surgical precision. Target the who/when/how very carefully. Make sure that your message is clear...you're not trying to hurt her or anyone with the exposure...you're trying to save your marriage.

 

That IS assuming that's your choice...which you probably don't even know what your goal is at this point, I'm guessing.

 

Right now...take care of yourself, and try to get through the first few days of anger/hurt/pain...and THEN decide what you want to do from here.

 

Post here what your "goal" is...divorce, or reconciliation. We'll help you come up with a battle plan from there.

 

Fair enough?

[Gunny376]

I'm not a Buddist, but what I'm about to write might come off as such?

 

It comes from Life experiences.

 

"Letting go? Is liberating yourself!"

 

"Having/Wanting less ~ is giving yourself more"

 

Me, myself and I? All I need in life are "three hots and a cot" and I;m good to go. All the rest?

 

 

BS! That's me ~ but I've lived a Spartian Life for most of my Life!

 

She's' crazy for leaving ~ but MAN ~ just let her go!

[Maladjusted]

She sent me a message today telling me that she missed me. I wonder if that means anything. I replied that she needs to show me that but she brushed it off.

[jon01]

Another question is how many guys pack condoms to a work party? She told me the guy used protection.

 

BS. Your wife is like many cheaters in the same situation, lies, lies, lies...

 

Don't challenge her on anything, just roll with the punches now and be cool. But in your own head, believe what you most suspect because that is most likely the truth. Trust your instinct, regardless of what she says.

 

Since she cheated and has a hard on for a separation and divorce, this should secure more rights for you and your son. I would like to think that the courts would grant custody of the child to you. THAT is what will really burn her up!! Try to get a good lawyer, ask your family for help/finance, and get custody of your son. She thinks its so easy to keep her kid if she just f* some other guy and want out of a marriage? Your wife is a really selfish and rotten person, and has no respect whatsoever for your son.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, she's going to call you and try and keep you on a leash. Play it cool. All my prior advice still applies.

 

Use this crisis to your advantage. Don't fall down to her depths. Stay true to yourself.

[Maladjusted]

Why is she trying to keep me on a leash? She hasn't seemed to care too much before now.

[jon01]

She sent me a message today telling me that she missed me. I wonder if that means anything. I replied that she needs to show me that but she brushed it off.

 

You shouldn't reply at all. Let her suffer just a little with some NC, since you are only gone a few days. This is where you need to control. You are just like I was, checking email every 10 minutes, ready to reply, etc. Listen to the advice of Gunny.

[Maladjusted]

Yeah, I might not answer any more messages.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If they not about your son then dont bother.

[Owl]

How're you doing out there, Mal?

[Maladjusted]

Well, it is over. I saw some more sneaky behavior yesterday, confronted her on it, and she says she is done with the marriage.

 

That's fine by me. I did the best I could. In the end, she is right. I could never trust her again with her behavior since she has gotten this new job and I could never trust her around alcohol or whatever.

 

What is sad is how many people she is hurting by her actions. My family flat out hates her, and her family isn't too happy with her either.

 

I think she was right on a couple of points though. She got married too young and was probably more in love with the idea of love than me.

 

I just want to get this over with and for her to be as far away from me as possible.

[mscomplex]

Sorry you are going through so much. When she finally matures and realizes there is nothing out here she will regret not working with someone who seemed so devoted to making a change and making the marriage work. People often think the grass is greener on the other side. Well, I read somewhere, water your own grass. It can be just as green. She will soon see that having relationships are not is fun when you do not have to sneak around. She seems that she is not even giving you a chance. When you find a woman who really wants a nice guy she will see what she lost and will want you back. Be with the person who wants to be with you.