Seperation uncertain

[Maladjusted]

Actually, later last night she confessed cheating once. SHe had too many glasses of wine at a work party and one thing led to another with a guy and they had sex. My mom was in town at the time and she delayed the seperation talk until my mom left.

 

I told her I could look past the cheating for my family under certain conditions, and she had already cut off contact with the guy (a coworker) right after it happened in June.

 

I am now out of town, and she doesn't want to talk about things until I get back into town. She wants me to take time to make sure I won't want to cheat in retaliation or hold it against her.

 

What is weird is that she is still not affectionate at all. She won't tell me she loves me, won't kiss me, nothing. What's up with that?

[Ladyjane14]

Actually, later last night she confessed cheating once. SHe had too many glasses of wine at a work party and one thing led to another with a guy and they had sex.

 

I doubt she's telling you the truth about it being a one and off.

 

Certainly, an infidelity can explain the guilt... but not her recent insistence on separation, not to mention all the secret texting, emails, and missing time. Chances are, there's more to the story. Cheaters will sometimes tell on themselves, but they very rarely tell the whole story all at once. More usually, it comes out in bits and pieces.

 

It's your call whether or not you want to proceed forward on the marriage. You have an absolute right to decide you're done if that's what you want. Nobody could fault you on it. In fact, I think you'd do well to remain noncommittal until you've thought it all through.

 

But, if you do want to try to salvage it, know this... it IS possible.

Weird as it sounds, alot of couples report that their marriages are stronger than ever after an infidelity. These, of course, would be couples who learn a new way of doing business together through the reconciliation process. Cheating, in and of itself, solves no problems. It CREATES them. But when a couple faces this kind of conflict together, redefines the meaning of love, embraces forgiveness, and learns new relationship habits... they're like forged steel afterwards. They've learned what it takes to keep a relationship HEALTHY and they carry that knowledge forward.

 

For right now, try to keep things calm. That way, you can both take a little time to absorb the information BEFORE you react. Chances are, your WW, might have been making decisions based on the assumption that you'd not be willing to take her back if she put her cards on the table. Wait to react until you know your own mind on the matter is what I'm saying.

[Maladjusted]

I doubt she's telling you the truth about it being a one and off.

 

Certainly, an infidelity can explain the guilt... but not her recent insistence on separation, not to mention all the secret texting, emails, and missing time. Chances are, there's more to the story. Cheaters will sometimes tell on themselves, but they very rarely tell the whole story all at once. More usually, it comes out in bits and pieces.

 

It's your call whether or not you want to proceed forward on the marriage. You have an absolute right to decide you're done if that's what you want. Nobody could fault you on it. In fact, I think you'd do well to remain noncommittal until you've thought it all through.

 

But, if you do want to try to salvage it, know this... it IS possible.

Weird as it sounds, alot of couples report that their marriages are stronger than ever after an infidelity. These, of course, would be couples who learn a new way of doing business together through the reconciliation process. Cheating, in and of itself, solves no problems. It CREATES them. But when a couple faces this kind of conflict together, redefines the meaning of love, embraces forgiveness, and learns new relationship habits... they're like forged steel afterwards. They've learned what it takes to keep a relationship HEALTHY and they carry that knowledge forward.

 

For right now, try to keep things calm. That way, you can both take a little time to absorb the information BEFORE you react. Chances are, your WW, might have been making decisions based on the assumption that you'd not be willing to take her back if she put her cards on the table. Wait to react until you know your own mind on the matter is what I'm saying.

 

It seemed a little random to me, but this guy only texted her that very night and then they both realized they made a mistake. His number hasn't shown up since.

 

I didn't really need the details and she didn't want to give them. I thought about calling the guy but I don't think that is going to solve anything.

 

The thing with the texting wass her manager. I don't really think there is anything going on there but who the hell knows. I think she needs to leave the damn company personally. Things have been goofy ever since she started working there.

 

Well, the reason she told me that she hasn't been coming home early is because she has been avoiding me. The seperation is because she feels that she must not be in love with me if she did this thing with that guy.

[Ladyjane14]

The seperation is because she feels that she must not be in love with me if she did this thing with that guy.

 

Not necessarily, kiddo. We don't refer to a WS's muddled thought process as "The Fog" for nothing, you know.

 

An otherwise good person needs to give herself permission to do something she knows is wrong. The impetus for cheating might be as simple as a mild depression, drunkenness, low self-esteem, physical attraction... or any number of other things. But, in order to ACT on an impulse, we have to give ourselves reasons why it's okay. Rationalizations aren't just common to making the initial decision to cheat, they're also necessary to living with the consequences and guilt afterwards.

 

It's not unusual for people who've regained clarity of mind though to be unable to fully identify with their former thought process. So no, this isn't necessarily about whether or not she loves you. Chances are, as muddled as her thinking is... she wouldn't be able to identify real love right now if it walked up and bit her on the nose. She's got to come back to herself first.

[Maladjusted]

Yeah, this really came out of left field. Nobody would believe she would be possible of doing this. She had nevere cheated before but damn she hid it pretty well. I still don't know why she came out with it.

 

The funny thing is she is still not loving, with words or affection, afterwards. She'll tell me she misses the baby, but not me. I tried to give her a kiss goodbye this morning and she turned her head. That hurts.

 

What do you think she wanted to seperate then? Do you think she blamed me for her cheating? I've always given her almost everything she wanted within reason.

 

What conditions do I set down for staying together? Quit the job?

[Ladyjane14]

Yeah, this really came out of left field. Nobody would believe she would be possible of doing this. She had nevere cheated before but damn she hid it pretty well. I still don't know why she came out with it.

 

The funny thing is she is still not loving, with words or affection, afterwards. She'll tell me she misses the baby, but not me. I tried to give her a kiss goodbye this morning and she turned her head. That hurts.

 

What do you think she wanted to seperate then? Do you think she blamed me for her cheating? I've always given her almost everything she wanted within reason.

 

What conditions do I set down for staying together? Quit the job?

 

Hon, people have been telling you almost since your first post that the red flags were there. How your MC didn't catch on is beyond my understanding.

Her marital complaints, as stated in your first post, were NOT the issue... because you were willing to address all those points right from the off. IOW, her words never matched her actions. She still wanted separation even though you were offering EVERYTHING she had said she wanted.

 

It doesn't make sense that she still wants separation UNLESS there's an emotional attachment outside the marriage that she wants to explore. Yeah, it's possible that she honestly feels like she "needs space" to get her head together, but that's not the norm when it comes to affairs. Fact is, she's been lying right to your face for some time now, so her word on the matter is seriously compromised. And with that in mind, I'd play the odds instead if I were you and treat this like a garden variety affair. In doing so, I think you can safely assume that her wish to separate is for the purposes of "test-driving" the other guy.

 

As far as setting out conditions... you'd do well to give yourself a few days or even a couple of weeks to decide if you still even want her or not. This thing hasn't really hit you yet. You'd be surprised how many guys give in to the knee-jerk reaction to fix it, only to later realize that they don't really want to.

 

This girl has presented you with a golden opportunity to dump her on her ass. You kind of owe it to yourself to think about that. I'm not saying that's what you ought to do. I'm just you're not a bad person if you decide to do it.

 

If you go ahead and decide you'd like to try and save it... I think the first thing to do is to take separation or divorce off the table for the next six months or so. That means that neither one of you are allowed to 'go there'. Instead, you face your problems head on. In addition, I'd use that six months to work with a new MC, one who hopefully recognizes the scent of bullsh*t when s/he smells it.

And yes... she needs to leave the job where she got in trouble.

 

I still don't recommend "trial separation". There are ALOT of new relationship skills you both will have to learn in order to be successful... new habits you need to develop. You can't do that when you're apart and exacerbating your problems.

 

Right now, if she's out of eyeshot... how's she going to convince you she's "working" on herself and not out f*cking everything in pants?? ...She can't. And you'll be tormented by wondering what she's doing and what she's planning to do, becoming ever more anxious and paranoid... until your "love bank" dries up. IOW, a separation done in order for her to "find herself" would be done at YOUR expense and would cause even more emotional distancing and pain, possibly unrecoverable damage, and... wouldn't solve ANY problems anyway.

 

There's no way to go around this problem if your marriage is going to recover. The way "around" is through. You both have to experience 'the process' of marital recovery in order for it to work. It doesn't just happen on it's own.

 

I'm not telling you what you ought to do. Afterall, it's you who has to live with the consequences. But I will tell you this... reconciliation is hard. It tests you. When it's successful, it ends up being well worth the trouble. But it's NOT something that can be gone at half-assed.

[Maladjusted]

Yeah, but everybody almost always assuumes cheating.

 

Right now I think she is leaving it up to me to decide, but who knows. I am willing to work it out, but I seriously doubt she would want to leave that stupid damn job.

 

Well, she is out of eyeshot right now. I don't know what she is doing. Not much I can do about it anyways. She calls me every once in a while to check on the baby.

 

I hate what I am going to be going home to. I really thought this girl was incapable of what she is currently doing.

 

Why did she not insist on divorce when I told her I was willing to work on it, if that is what she really wants?

[Ladyjane14]

 

Why did she not insist on divorce when I told her I was willing to work on it, if that is what she really wants?

 

If she was sure she wanted a divorce, she wouldn't have bothered cheating at all. She'd have simply left you BEFORE the cheating. This is highly unlikely to be about YOU, Mal. It's about her. And her thinking is distorted by the affair.

 

You know, it's perfectly okay for you to draw a line in the sand and tell her what you can and what you can't tolerate. I'm of a mind that the 'willingness to end the marriage' is a useful tool in a betrayed spouse's arsenal. Call it "the nuclear option" if you like, but she can't keep you in the marriage with her unless you agree to stay. So... if you need her to quit that job in order to be willing to continue in the marriage, then that's what you need.

 

As thing's stand, she's got you by the short-hairs because you're not willing to walk away. You take your power back by being willing to risk the marriage itself in order to get what you want, and live with the outcome either way. Compromise is great, but you don't throw more up on the table than you can really afford to spare.

[Maladjusted]

 

As thing's stand, she's got you by the short-hairs because you're not willing to walk away. You take your power back by being willing to risk the marriage itself in order to get what you want, and live with the outcome either way. Compromise is great, but you don't throw more up on the table than you can really afford to spare.

 

I am just worried about my son. She thinks he will be fine "either way" and not to bring him up, but he has to be considered and she just won't consider him.

 

Trust me when I tell you that the thought of her and some other guy is killing me and she has done pretty much every horrible thing you can do to another person emotionally. I don't know if this is who she really is or if she is messed up by everything going on.

 

I tried to talk to her on the phone tonight, telling her it was hard for me to have fun with all of this uncertainity in my marriage. She won't have this conversation "right now" while I am away and her mind is not made up.

[Gunny376]

Either she never was in "love" with you, or she's fallen out of love with you.

 

Me-thinks that she emotionally detached because of self-imposed guilt over cheating on you.

 

I think you should WALK!

 

Because she lacks preceived value in you. Take yourself out of the table of negotion.

[SingleDad]

Sorry I was a little direct in my reply earlier. After months of trying, I just threw in the towel. It got to a point where my STBXW was drifting farther away, and nothing I did or said made any difference. That's when I realized it's better to just be strong and feel some level of peace in knowing I tried, and just let go. There are days when you feel sad, then other days when you feel angry, but I am trying to just be strong and get this all out of my mind so I can just move on. After a point you just have to accept that she can't possibly love or care for you to be doing this, and once you grasp that more clearly you gain more power to stop giving a sh*t and even being "friends".

 

 

I understand... There was a point where things were just aweful... but now that I am being proactive to be friendly with my W she is softening up slightly. She was at my house for 3 hours Sat helping my organize my daughter's clothes. I cannot know for sure what will happen in the long run... Currently I will not date others. So I can either be antagonistic (which will further drive a wedge between us) or be friendly (which has a slight possibility of bringing us closer together. I am choosing to be friendly.

[SingleDad]

Mal - just caught up with your thread... Sorry to hear the news on the D. As well as the Affair.

 

I am sure your mind is spinning right now. I would guess she mentioned the affair to show you how serious she is about getting a divorce. The issue is more than the fact she had an affair - the affair was a consequence of her feelings... Otherwise she would have gotttne closer to you to make up for her guilt - she is not. Also possibility she is having an affair with her boss - and deflecting it onto another person.

 

You would be completely justified in being angry, hurt, betrayed, etc. It will be good for you to have that trip with your son - to think about things without her nearby. Might even be helpful if she understood your anger - while keeping some civility... Be careful what you say now - she could use or twist anything you say to convince her she is making the right decision.

 

I would keep following LJ's advice... Your marriage does not have to be over... try to avoid either of you moving out - certainly is harder to reconcile when living apart.

 

Whether you can make your marriage work now or not - is really completely up to you... Your W is not going to help - in her mind the decision has already been made (you are not satisfying her emotional needs). You have a chance to save it over months or years if your subtle actions and words do have her see that her emotional needs are being met.

 

As I keep saying it is a long road ahead - filled with potholes.

[Maladjusted]

 

Me-thinks that she emotionally detached because of self-imposed guilt over cheating on you.

 

I would agree with you here. She shows me nothing anymore. I think you are right though.

 

It is so hard for me to say that I am done. I gave up my life and moved half way across country for her. We had a kid, and now shes like oh well, thanks for the kid, sorry you had to give up your life for me.

 

I have no desire to date again and the fact that if we divorce I will have to see her for the rest of my life makes me want to puke.

[Ladyjane14]

Like I said a few posts back, Mal... do nothing. Give this new information time to process. It's gonna take a little while to put in all in perspective and to decide what it is that YOU want.

 

For now... just breathe.

[Maladjusted]

Like I said a few posts back, Mal... do nothing. Give this new information time to process. It's gonna take a little while to put in all in perspective and to decide what it is that YOU want.

 

For now... just breathe.

 

Thanks LJ. I am on vacation right now with all of the members of my family and I am trying so hard to have fun. I just feel this knot of dread in my stomach when I go back home there is no one there that cares really waiting for me.

 

My dreams are shattered. All I ever wanted was to be a husband and a father with my son growing up in a home that wasn't broken. I know that I am not to blame for what has happened. I wish that she would show some emotion towards me.....anger, love, you name it. Casual indifference is what hurts me more than anything, especially when I wasn't the one that did anything wrong.

[Owl]

Darn it LJ...now you've got me back to agreeing with you again, gal!

 

Mal, realize something. Your wife dropped the "d-bombshell" on you this weekend. BUT...at the end of the day...that's NOT the end of things. Not by a LONG shot!

 

Its only over when everything is said and done. You're not there yet. You're not even close.

 

Divorces take TIME...even when both parties agree and are working towards them. But, they take even longer if one party isn't cooperative.

 

That can be your 'stall tactic' while you regroup, figure out what your goal and plan is from here.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the cheating...and as always, I agree with LJ that there's a LOT more to this story than you've heard. Cheaters almost never give all the information the first time their caught...first its deny, then its minimize and deflect...and eventually it'll break down to making it all your fault.

 

There's a REASON why people tend to jump to cheating first...because it often IS the most likely reason. In this case...you're hearing it from a number of people who have been through it...we KNOW the red flags, from our own personal experience.

 

Take a few days to process this latest batch of information. Then figure out your goal, and start developing your battle plan. Decide if you need more intel, or have enough to make your choices...and then work from there.

 

And...take care of yourself. I lost more than 25lbs in two weeks as a result of my wife's affair...I know what its like. Do too much of that, and it can take MONTHS for your body to recover from the damage.

[Ladyjane14]

Casual indifference is what hurts me more than anything, especially when I wasn't the one that did anything wrong.

 

Dealing with a cheater is like dealing with a crack addict. You can't take all their bullsh*t to heart.

 

Mind what Owl said. He's right. Take your time, set a goal... and take care of yourself. I experienced the "Infidelity Diet" too, so I know what you guys are talking about. I lost 20 pounds in less than a month and felt sick as a dog.

So, rest up, relax, and eat.

[jon01]

You should try to find out who she's cheating with (after reading this thread, I am pretty sure she is in a full blown affair). If you do find out it's her manager, I would make a point to contact the company's HR department. I would also expose this to his wife, if you can find out his home number.

 

Don't be afraid or nervous to do any of this, you are well within your rights. Your wife will be really upset and angry over this or any efforts to find out who he is, but don't let it bother you.

 

That's what I would do.

[Ladyjane14]

Darn it LJ...now you've got me back to agreeing with you again, gal!

 

:laugh: You're right. I'm more "carrot than stick"... but that's why we need Owl to keep us shaped up and flying right.

[Maladjusted]

I don't know if it is a full blown affair or not. I didn't catch her cheating, she confessed it. It happened a week before she announced that she wanted to seperate. I saw the text messages on the cell phone record the night it happened and one or two the next day or two afterwards. The sick thing about it all is that she and I had sex the next morning, before she had a shower. God I feel like having my twig and giggleberries pressure washed.

 

She said that they both agreed it was a mistake. Who knows if it is the truth or not but I haven't seen the dude's number show up again.

[Maladjusted]

You should try to find out who she's cheating with (after reading this thread, I am pretty sure she is in a full blown affair). If you do find out it's her manager, I would make a point to contact the company's HR department. I would also expose this to his wife, if you can find out his home number.

 

Don't be afraid or nervous to do any of this, you are well within your rights. Your wife will be really upset and angry over this or any efforts to find out who he is, but don't let it bother you.

 

That's what I would do.

 

I should have that information shortly. All she told me about him was that he was younger. I don't think it is the manager. HR dept? My wife is pretty much the head of it! All I could really do is contact her manager or the president, but I don't know what the good in that would be.

[Maladjusted]

Darn it LJ...now you've got me back to agreeing with you again, gal!

 

Mal, realize something. Your wife dropped the "d-bombshell" on you this weekend. BUT...at the end of the day...that's NOT the end of things. Not by a LONG shot!

 

Its only over when everything is said and done. You're not there yet. You're not even close.

 

Divorces take TIME...even when both parties agree and are working towards them. But, they take even longer if one party isn't cooperative.

 

That can be your 'stall tactic' while you regroup, figure out what your goal and plan is from here.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the cheating...and as always, I agree with LJ that there's a LOT more to this story than you've heard. Cheaters almost never give all the information the first time their caught...first its deny, then its minimize and deflect...and eventually it'll break down to making it all your fault.

 

There's a REASON why people tend to jump to cheating first...because it often IS the most likely reason. In this case...you're hearing it from a number of people who have been through it...we KNOW the red flags, from our own personal experience.

 

Take a few days to process this latest batch of information. Then figure out your goal, and start developing your battle plan. Decide if you need more intel, or have enough to make your choices...and then work from there.

 

And...take care of yourself. I lost more than 25lbs in two weeks as a result of my wife's affair...I know what its like. Do too much of that, and it can take MONTHS for your body to recover from the damage.

 

The only thing that doesn't make sense is her giving this guy her phone number. She must have been drunk if she thought I wouldn't eventually catch on to it.

[Maladjusted]

That poses a really good question. If I find out who the guy is, should I call a senior manager and let them know what happened? Man that would make me feel really good. : )

[SingleDad]

Going to her manager and or company could likely just get her fired... then maybe pay alimony... Do you think she would respect you for it ? Do you think it would save your marraige ? Definately not...

 

Nothing good could come from it

 

Exposing the affair is between you and her... on a road to healing.

[Ladyjane14]

That poses a really good question. If I find out who the guy is, should I call a senior manager and let them know what happened? Man that would make me feel really good. : )

 

My advice would be to treat "exposure" like a scalpel rather than a bludgeon. It's a tool in the right hands. Use it like one. IOW, make sure that you're getting something out of it. "Feeling good" might not be worth the trade off.... yet.

 

Here's a recent thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159845/