eggplantmandy Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 so, i have a situation and would love advice on whether or not i'm overreacting. my boyfriend of almost a year is wonderful -- he's from australia, and so he is a very hot commodity among my friends -- they all love him, as he is absolutely charming and wonderful, not to mention completely adorable. he is a huge flirt with my friends, which i absolutely LOVE, because they all get along like brother and sisters, it's very cute. but it's a harmless flirtation. anyway, there is one friend of mine where it's gotten a bit out of hand. she is a terrible flirt with him (different kind of flirting than with the rest of my friends), and he flirts back, but a bit innappropriately. (Background: she is EXTREMELy beautiful, like possibly the prettiest person i've EVER seen, but never seems to have a boyfreind. she's VERY particular, very picky.) okay, here's an example: my honey, we'll call him Henry, was meeting up with us at a bar one night. I told the girls he was running late because he went tanning -- we all had a laugh, since guys who tan are funny. As soon as Jan (name has been changed) sees him walking up, she runs up to him and starts rubbing his chest and saying 'oooh, you sexy tan man you..' all the girls looked at me like, 'what is jan doing?!?!' was really weird but i thought nothing of it at the time, since it was really the first weird incident... was very early on in Henry and my relationship, maybe 3 or 4 months... a few weeks later we were all at a pub crawl drunk and taking pictures, i went off to the bar to get a beer, and came back to see him jokingly grabbing her boob for a picture. i called him out on it later that day, as i thought it was EXTREMELY inappropriate and disrespectful to me. he felt terrible, and has since changed the way he flirts. Now, he is OVERLY mean to her--jokingly of course, and says things like, 'i hate you Jan, you are so ugly... why do you have to be so ugly all the time? and stupid, and no fun to hang out with' and she'll say things like, 'Henry, shut up, you're so stupid, i wish you weren't as dumb and ugly as you are and maybe i'd actually enjoy hanging out with you.' So basically, it's still major flirtations, and it's obvious that when he's saying that she's ugly, he's actually calling her pretty... and when she gets drunk, she chases him around the bar trying to pinch him and tickle him and stuff... it's really weird. we're in our late 20s (27) -- isnt' this a bit childish? i feel that they are both disrespecting me ... am i overreacting, or do i say something again?
Geishawhelk Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 First of all, he's turned aound because he knows you find it offensive, so he says ugly in order to pacify you... Nt working, is it? The person you should be taking to one side, and reading the Riot Act to, is her. So do that. Take her to one side and do this: Tell her everyone thinks her behaviour is inappropriate, tell her everyone thinks she's making a fool of herself, and tell her your BF is somewhat embarassed, feels a bit awkward and doesn't always know where to put himself. If she wants to carry on meeting up with the group, maybe she should find another fella to flirt with, because everyone thinks she's behaving like a tramp and making a complete idiot of herself. Does she want to call you on it and ask everyone? Make sure that you 'distance' yourself from the criticism, otherwise she'll fall back on the defence that you're just being over-sensitive, it's nothing to worry about, and that you're making a mountain out of a molehill, she's just playing.... people who behave this way always try to turn it around and make it your problem and about your insecurity. Tell a couple of friends you're going to have a word with her, too.. and then if she complains, they can 'back you up'.....
theobserver Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Couldn't agree more with everything above. My girlfriend has a friend like that and it's soo damn annoyin. Although ALL her friends confronted her >< now she's wised up abit, this isn't school anymore there are new boundaries.
lolobear Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I think that this is something you should settle with your boyfriend. Even if you pull aside this girl and talk to her, that doesn't solve the main problem here. The problem is that you feel as though your boyfriend is being inappropriate (I would definitely agree) and he's not regarding your feelings. Talk to him one more time. Pull him aside and say that while you appreciate the effort, the desired effect hasn't been achieved yet. Negotiate and discuss a solution that makes both of you comfortable. Hopefully he will agree that you are more important than her and stop talking to her altogether (she sounds like bad news to your relationship).
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 flirting is a form of cheating in my book! listen to lolobear!
BentSpine Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 he is a huge flirt with my friends, which i absolutely LOVE, because they all get along like brother and sisters, it's very cute. but it's a harmless flirtation. If we didn't think flirtation contained a bit of genuine compliment, we wouldn't appreciate it as much as we do.
Walk Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Why do you continue to hang out with this supposed friend? I think you should call her out on her behavior. Don't back down and make it clear that if she doesn't stop acting in this way that you aren't going to be a part of her life anymore. Also ask "Henry" to ignore the friend. Not to respond to her unless it's a legitimate discussion. Explain how he contributes to the problem by cracking jokes with her. Seems as if your friend will take any attention she can get from him, and she'll keep trying to get his attention through any method possible. I still don't understand why you want to hang out with her. Maybe you could keep her as a friend, but make it seperate from Henry (Only see her when you aren't with your bf)
Trialbyfire Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I would take them both to one side, if it bothered me so much, since you're friends with this girl and he's your b/f. He needs to come out and say that he finds in inappropriate and she needs to hear it from him. Also, she needs to hear it from you, that it's causing an issue in your friendship to the point where you don't even want her around because of it. Your b/f is enjoying all this because he's getting his ego stroked in a big way. Are you certain you want a guy like this who continues encouraging women? You might find that his boundaries aren't as concrete as you'd like them to be. Be careful.
whichwayisup Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 He is enabling her behaviour and enjoying the attention. Calling her stupid, ugly is still playful flirting and she's flirting back which makes him flirt back and so on. Talk to him and ask him how HE would feel if you were doing that to another guy. I bet he would feel abit jealous and irked too. When you talk to her, just tell her she's making a fool of herself and tell her to tone it down. If you make a big issue out of it, she WILL react and make sure you suffer for it. She isn't clueless, she knows exactly what she's doing by flirting with him. The vibe I get from reading what you've said about her isn't a good one so watch your back..
Recommended Posts