AnLandy Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Saturday marks the end of the two-week NC period that my ex and I agreed to. I'm debating whether to send him and e-mail or not. Part of me would like to know how he is doing and just have some interaction with him again. Another part of me doesn't want to open Pandora's Box. Yet another part of me wants to see him so I can return the engagement ring that is still sitting in my safety deposit box. It has been an odd two weeks. Since I am on summer break, I have too much time on my hands and way too little to do. I've been scrounging for ways to distract myself and to get out and be among people. I started going to Weight Watcher's again this week, both to lose the 10 pounds I gained over Christmas and to prevent gaining any more during the post-breakup depression. Eating is my emotional safety blanket, so I'm trying to nip that in the bud. I've joined a new bookclub and went to the first meeting last night. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed the people. I've taken in a new foster kitten and started back doing voluteer work with the local Humane Society. I've been calling friends and family that I haven't connected with in a while to catch up. I've treated myself to a massage and a new haircut. I've done all of the practical, low energy necessities that I can think of, like getting my teeth cleaned, going to the GYN, buying new glasses, and shopping for new fixtures for my bathroom. I fill my time however I can, but I'm running out of options. How many times can I scrub my kitchen sink? I really want to e-mail him.
kizik Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 IMO the only reason for post-break up contact is to try to reconcile the R. Since you are steadfast in your decision, why in the name of Christ do you want to talk to him? "Part of me would like to know how he is doing and just have some interaction with him again." To me this is selfish. Any contact you give him will be like a glimmer of hope for him. Of course you don't see it this way because you are the dumper. It's very typical for dumpers to do this, to see how us dumped are doing. I think it's cruel when you have no desire or intentions of working things out. Just leave the poor motherf*cker alone. Please. You'll be doing him a favor. You've made significant progress on your own, do you want to backstep on that? Your thread makes it sound like you wanna contact out of boredom. I know that you don't see the R working out and I respect that, but after having read your posts, you really want it both ways and you need to start respecting this guy's heartbreak. I can't STAND it when people act as if they have no empathy for others. I know you do, but this line of thinking does not demonstrate it.
foxh1234 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 IMO the only reason for post-break up contact is to try to reconcile the R. Since you are steadfast in your decision, why in the name of Christ do you want to talk to him? "Part of me would like to know how he is doing and just have some interaction with him again." To me this is selfish. Any contact you give him will be like a glimmer of hope for him. Of course you don't see it this way because you are the dumper. It's very typical for dumpers to do this, to see how us dumped are doing. I think it's cruel when you have no desire or intentions of working things out. Just leave the poor motherf*cker alone. Please. You'll be doing him a favor. You've made significant progress on your own, do you want to backstep on that? Your thread makes it sound like you wanna contact out of boredom. I know that you don't see the R working out and I respect that, but after having read your posts, you really want it both ways and you need to start respecting this guy's heartbreak. I can't STAND it when people act as if they have no empathy for others. I know you do, but this line of thinking does not demonstrate it. I agree Kiz. If you don't want him back, leave him alone. Let him get over you and if he wants to be friends later, he will contact you.
Author AnLandy Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 IMO the only reason for post-break up contact is to try to reconcile the R. Since you are steadfast in your decision, why in the name of Christ do you want to talk to him? Just to let you know, he was the one who asked for the post-breakup contact. I didn't think it was a good idea to approach each other right away, but he wants to attempt to be friends. He's still very close with two of his exes, and he really values remaining friends with them. I've met one of these women, and I totally get why they are still a part of each other's lives. He also sent me a note this week asking once again if we can find a way to be part of each other's lives despite the fact that we are no longer a couple. I'm still friends with seceral of my exes. It took a while to get to a place where we could forgive each other, talk about the relationship, and put the lingering issues to rest, but when we got to that place, it was worth the effort. And again, I didn't "dump him". He was the one who started the "break up" conversation, and I just agreed to take it towards the logical conclusion. We both had the same doubts and issues, and we finally just dropped the "we love each other, so it will work out" enthusiasm and took an honest, objective look at the relationship. As friends, we're great. As romantic partners, it's not such a good fit. As spouses, we would have constantly been pulling each other in different directions towards different goals. There just wasn't enough common ground to build a marriage on.
kizik Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 He also sent me a note this week asking once again if we can find a way to be part of each other's lives despite the fact that we are no longer a couple. As friends, we're great. As romantic partners, it's not such a good fit. I think a lot of couples try to make agreements post break-up about trying to remain friends and always being there for each other, etc. It is unimaginable, after all, that this person you spent each day with is suddenly going to be gone from your life. I made these same bargains, but as time went on I realized more and more that the ex was simply awful to me. I'm sure you weren't to him, but I get the feeling that there is more to the story than you are letting on. There's a lack of love somewhere, on yours, his, or both ends. If there was true and reciprocated love, you wouldn't be ending it. Anyway, I think it's weird that he's friends with both his exes. Your guy sounds a bit spineless. That's OK, I sure was, but am actively growing a backbone. To me the let's-be-friends thing is ideal, it's a way of being in denial, a way of hanging on. Once the truths start ruminating in your mind and his, I think the desire to be friends will diminish, and you can have a clean break - the only way to heal.
sunshinegirl Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 It took a while to get to a place where we could forgive each other, talk about the relationship, and put the lingering issues to rest, but when we got to that place, it was worth the effort. I think it's very, very unrealistic to think that a two-week period is enough time to do any of the above. Something more like two months, three months, 6 months! would give you both enough space and distance to make the transition, put lingering issues to rest, etc. IMO things are way too fresh right now.
Author AnLandy Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 I'm sure you weren't to him, but I get the feeling that there is more to the story than you are letting on. Neither of us cheated on the other. Neither of us yelled or was abusive to the other. Neither of us was rude to the other's friends. Neither of us made nasty comments about the other's family. We argued on ocassion, but never in a nasty way. On occassion, we did say something thoughtless or dismissive, but acknowledged it afterwards and always appologized. We just woke up one day and realized that we were chronically disappointing each other because we wanted very different things in life and had very different goals. He doesn't want kids, but I'm still on the fence. He wants to live in an apartment community, while I love having my own home. I enjoy sex and view it as an important bonding experience, but he treated it as an obligation that he had to do in order to keep me happy. I'm an expressive, verbal person, while he is very analyitical. I'm adventurous, and he is very regimented. I don't like cigarettes, and he started chain smoking a pack and a half a day. I have a job that requires an evening wardrobe, and he didn't even own a suit. I am decisive and take action when I feel it's necessary, while he likes to put decisions off as long as possible. It is very hard to be in a relationship where meeting the other person's needs means completely subjugating your own. On my end, "compromise" was beginning to feel like "sacrifice". On his end, the comfort zone was just getting pushed way too far way too fast. We just kept setting each other up for non-stop disappointment and frustration. It is possible to love someone, but still realize that they are not right for you. I've been in this situation before when my ex-boyfriend found Jesus and morphed into a fundamentalist Christian with a desire to be a Moravian pastor, as opposed to a software developer who made six figures a year. Personally, I could not see myself as a preacher's wife. Also, being with him would have meant subjugating my career, which I spent 12 years in school pursuing, to his, and possibly facing a loss of that career as I was dragged from parish to parish every time he was transferred. It also meant accepting celibacy in the relationship until such a time that we decided to get married. He also began pushing for us to to have four or five kids, which, given my age, would have meant being pregnant, giving birth, nursing, and getting pregnant again in a non-stop cycle for the next 6-7 years of my life, all while supporting him as he pursued his divinity degree full-time. Given all of this, the relationship just wasn't meant to be. We both walked away. There was some anger. We got over it. We appologized to each other. We're now friends. Just out of curiosity, how old are you? I'm curious as to why you find it so hard to believe that two mature adults with a lot of affection and fundamental respect for one another can't come to the mutual decision that they simply aren't suited for marriage or a long-term commitment. By ending the relationship, we inflicted a lot of mutual emotional pain on each other, but it's better to do it now, as opposed to five years down the line when we have a mortgage, investments, and a ton of community property to divide up. My ex was divorced, and he told he that on his wedding day, as he was saying his vows, a little voice kept popping up inside his head saying, "This is a mistake. Don't do this." He always wished that he had just walked right out of the chapel then. I found myself dealing with a similar inner voice when we were looking at rentals. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I just kept hearing, "This is a mistake." Over the years, I have come to trust my instincts, and he has come to trust his. The closer we got towards a union of our lives, the farther apart we got emotionally. We both had that lingering, fundamental kind of doubt that just builds until you can't ignore it.
kizik Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 We wanted very different things in life and had very different goals. He doesn't want kids, but I'm still on the fence. He wants to live in an apartment community, while I love having my own home. I enjoy sex and view it as an important bonding experience, but he treated it as an obligation that he had to do in order to keep me happy. I'm an expressive, verbal person, while he is very analyitical. I'm adventurous, and he is very regimented. I don't like cigarettes, and he started chain smoking a pack and a half a day. I have a job that requires an evening wardrobe, and he didn't even own a suit. I am decisive and take action when I feel it's necessary, while he likes to put decisions off as long as possible. Finally, you're starting to discuss some very specific issues that exemplify your frustrations. These are all valid reasons to split up, IMO. It is possible to love someone, but still realize that they are not right for you. Yeah, I agree with this. No arguments here. Just out of curiosity, how old are you? I'm curious as to why you find it so hard to believe that two mature adults with a lot of affection and fundamental respect for one another can't come to the mutual decision that they simply aren't suited for marriage or a long-term commitment. I think that's a pretty silly question; as if my age is somehow directly proportionate to my insights. There are a lot of people on here who are younger than me and smarter, and a lot who are older and waaay dumber. I know a lot about people and life at my age. But I also choose to feel. Which is not something I get from you. You want to intellectualize everything, instead of feeling it. You have this tone that makes others feel inferior to you. You remind me of my ex, in that you display yourself as more put together than most others. And while you may be in terms of worldy accomplishments, this image is intimidating and off-putting to others, especially the guy you are describing as being less motivated and put-together than you. People don't relate to perfection. They relate to human. Anyway, getting back to the point of your thread - no, do not call him.
Author AnLandy Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 You want to intellectualize everything, instead of feeling it. You have this tone that makes others feel inferior to you. Sweetie, I can't "make" anyone feel anything. Everyone is responsible for his or her own reactions and emotions. Telling someone else that they "make" you feel a certain way is a scapegoat. You're feeling what you are feeling because of some fundamental belief that you hold about yourself. I don't think that I have it more together than other people, I am simply proud of what I have been able to accomplish with my life. I wanted my career, so I pursued it. I wanted to own my own home, so I made it happen. I want to see the world, and I've seen quite a bit of it. I want to be debt-free, so I'm finding ways to make it happen. I want to take care of my parents as they're getting older, and I'm starting to step into that role. I wanted to forgive the man who sexually assaulted me so I could finally get my life back and stop being angry, and I managed to do that after years of work. I want to spend as much time as possible with my remaining grandparents before dimentia completely takes them away from me. I'm not doing so good on this last one, but I'm trying. On the other hand, I also have a ton of student loan debt, I haven't found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I can't seem to connect with my father, I have no emergency savings, my closest friends have scattered all over the planet, I still haven't forgiven my friend who killed herself five years ago, and I'm struggling to make peace with the fact that I can't have biological children. As for intellectualizing everything, I do that, to a certain extent, but I have also dealt with a lot of disappointment and hurt, and I've learned how to let the anger and hurt out. After the breakup, I cried in bed for 20 minutes, screaming and wailng like a banshee, scaring the hell out of the dogs as I beat my pillow to death. The next morning, I smashed half my dishes all over the kitchen floor. I wrote an angry letter to my ex and then burned it. I called my sister and let her talk me down. We all have our own way of dealing with emotions. I tend to make a big, dramatic mess for a very brief time and then just get on with life. I lost someone that I loved more than I have ever loved anyone. I'm disappointed, I'm hurt, I'm second-quessing, I'm sad, I'm lonley..... I cam accross the wedding vows that I had written today, and I just read them over and over again with a strange mix of pain and faith. Pain that I'm letting go of the future that I wrote about in those vows. Faith that until the person comes along that I can have that future with, I still have a good life that, though far from perfect, still fulfills me in so many ways. I learned a lot from my ex. I learned that I am worthy of love as I am. I learned that perfection isn't a necessary condition for love. I learned that I can make compromises for a relationship. I learned the joy of being vulnerable with someone. I learned to set my needs aside temporarily to tend to the other person. I learned that love is something that has to be worked on and nurtured every single day. I came to understand that having different needs and wants does not make one set of needs and wants "right" and the other set "wrong". I also learned that it is possible to feel more lost and more lonely in a relationship with somone you love than it is to feel lonely on your own. I also came to understand how unfair it is to enter a relationship with the expectation that the other person will "make" you happy. That's way to much of a burden to put on another human being, and a relatioship can only contribute to your happiness. It can't create it. I also learned that I want a partner who is equally willing to make compromises, who is willing to work at creating his own happiness indepedant of me, and who is willing to temporarily set aside his needs and wants for the benefit of the relationship, when it's necessary. The most important lesson that I walked away with is that, frequently, the things that we find most annoying in our partners are just reflections of our own negative feelings about aspects of our own personalities. I was definately guilty of this. His procrastination about quitting smoking once and for all drove me crazy, but at the same time, I've been going on and on for six months about wanting to get back to my goal weight, but didn't really do anything to make it happen. I was disappointed in my own behavior, so I was reflecting that onto him. When life kicks me in the ass, I try to learn something from it:sick:
tealeafbud Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 AnLandy, I think what you are doing is great. Keep up the activities. It only gets better, you're doing spectacular!
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