torranceshipman Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Hey guys, I'm dating a great guy and it seems to be going well with the one exception that he works like crazy (as do I, but for one reason or another for him it has been VERY hectic workwise the last coupla months in particular)...due to totally conflicting schedules over the past month or so, we've seen eachother VERY little...we recently had a great date after time apart but now he has to be away for another week, which has annoyed me... ...he did tell me he thinks that after next week his schedule will be better and we'll find more time....but its got me thinking about what I want...right now we're still in a dating phase-its lovely, relaxed, we are gettin to know eachother and enjoyin that, but we've never talked about anything to do with 'are we a couple', 'are we exclusive', etc, and I've got to the point where I'm about done with the cute dating phase and would like to know whether we're moving towards couple-dom...I think we need to talk and then (provided we're on the same page) we can work out how to find more time together. I never felt the need to talk about this stuff before as I've just been enjoyin getting to know him, and things have felt good, but I got so irked this week with the time apart thing that its made me re-assess (he travels out the country with work). But.....'the talk' is such a cliche in my mind...is there any way of bringing this up without being too heavy/clumsy about it? Guys-whats the least painful way a girl can bring this stuff up?
Jilly Bean Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 How long have you been dating, how many dates have you had, and are you sleeping together?
Author torranceshipman Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 We've had about 12 dates (not that much, but one technically lasted a few days as we vacationed together-seemed like the best way to get the most time together, given our schedules!!)...probably averages to about one date a week given the amount of time we've spent apart...ion reality its worked out as quite a few dates in short bursts when we're in the same place, then time apart between 1-3 weeks regularly due to work...after this month it should be easier to find time together, lets hop so...and yes, we're intimate
Jilly Bean Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I think it's always smart to have the exclusivity talk BEFORE you have sex. Now it's a bit harder, I would think. He very well could be considering you very casually and still dating and sleeping with other women. I think it's a case of putting the cart before the horse now. You started sleeping with him with no discussion of monogomy. I guess the best thing is to just ask him flat out if he is seeing anyone else.
Ronni_W Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I'm not sure about the "how" but I think the "when" also plays a crucial part. I would suggest to leave it at least until he's had two or three weeks of "slow time", and can be as relaxed and 'back to normal' as possible. But. After I read your post, I checked with my b/f of ten years if he remembers us ever having 'that' talk -- neither of us remembers being involved in such a thing. (So we just made it "official" ) Almost, if it walks like you're a couple, and it talks like you're a couple...you're probably a couple! Maybe it's just all the "hectic-ness" and time apart that are creating some doubts, rather than the actual fabric and quality of your relationship? Wishing you the best.
Author torranceshipman Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Hi Ronni, Yea, you might be right...I always felt we were couple-y and never felt the need for the talk myself...until this recent time apart really threw me off - and now I miss him and I'm kinda angry I have to wait another week! - that's what's fuelling the fire more than anything, I think...I don't think these talks are often necessary (like you and your boyf!) - but I guess I just want some reassurance with all the time apart...maybe its that.... Thanks!
Ronni_W Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 - but I guess I just want some reassurance with all the time apart...maybe its that.... Yeah, I can relate to that. But maybe best to post those frustrations and insecurities here instead of unnecessarily freaking him out -- he is probably just happy as all get-out that (in his mind) he already is part of a couple, and has a wonderfully understanding and empathetic g/f who doesn't get all weirded out when his work demands are greater than he'd prefer. At least, that would be my guess. Thanks! Actually, thank YOU! B/f and I are terribly excited to have this new milestone to add to our 10 years of history. Imagine when we go to tell our families that we are, finally, official . It's already a great joke, and we're just sitting here laughing and deciding to break out the champagne! So...huge gratitude to you, for adding to our joys and pleasures
Cole33 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Well for me, I think even 12 dates spread out wouldn't be enough time to get serious. but my advice is to be upfront without being pushy. like you said, if you're on the same page, it really shouldn't be a problem. here's my only hang up. every time I've wanted a woman to be exclusive with me, no matter how busy I am,...I've asked them. I have a VERY busy job and also have to travel a bit, sounds like he does more traveling but, I always had my fiance on my mind, and MADE time for us. I think you've got a right to want to know your relationship is going. I'd just bring it up casually, get the conversation started, and let him lead it. the way he talks about it will tell you everything you need to know without actually having to ask.
konfuzd Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 The way I found out my current bf and I were official was when we ran into one of his friends on the street and he introduced me as his "ol' lady" LOL At that point, I was still calling him "this guy I know" or "a guy I'm kind of seeing". I think the best is to take the pressure off keep it low key, maybe say something like, I was mentioning you to one of my co-workers, and I wasn't quite sure how to describe what you are to me. What do you think? Or something along those lines.
AriaIncognito Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Hi Ronni, Yea, you might be right...I always felt we were couple-y and never felt the need for the talk myself...until this recent time apart really threw me off - and now I miss him and I'm kinda angry I have to wait another week! - that's what's fuelling the fire more than anything, I think...I don't think these talks are often necessary (like you and your boyf!) - but I guess I just want some reassurance with all the time apart...maybe its that.... Thanks! I understand how you feel on this one. I'm dating a guy that's quite involved in his work, to the extent that we dont see eachother during the week, just tend to see eachother on the weekend. I ended up having the talk with him because I really didn't know where he was, so to speak. He said he'd never had to talk about it before, and I said neither have I, but I was having a hard time figuring out his interest since he was so busy. Long story short, we had that short talk, and determined we are indeed exclusive and not seeing anyone else, and that's that. I suggest you just talk to him. Sometimes the situation just makes things more complex. It's not necessarily a gauge of his interest in you, only you can really tell if he is truly married to his work, or just not into you, so to speak.
Author torranceshipman Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Thanks guys, all this advice is great! Upfront without being pushy is a good idea, and yes, he might think things are already fine without us having to discuss it...interesting to hear similar stories! And Ronni, I am officially raising a glass of champers to you and your boyfriend now that you have become official on your 10yr dating milestone! Congrats, lol :D
Ronni_W Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 And Ronni, I am officially raising a glass of champers to you and your boyfriend now that you have become official on your 10yr dating milestone! Congrats, lol :D Cheers, T! <insert 'champers' emoticon here> I also like konfuzd's and Aria's approach -- both are 'easy, breezy' and, if you're still kind of wanting a chat about it, ought to do the trick really well. Have a happy weekend, one and all
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