Surf2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 This has always been a problem with me. Its difficult to describe my feelings because on the one hand I'm happy that she is going out with her friends and I'm glad to see her have a good time. But on other other hand, its just seems a bit strange that if I go out she HAS to go out. She admits that 'She's not going sit at home while I'm out partying'....Ok.. but I know that when she goes out ,without me, which happens from time to time, my need to go out is not related to what she does. And I should also so say that, neither of us goes out very much so this issue is more pronounced because neither of us really goes out that much, but on the few occasions that we do, she HAS to go out. I know this is insecurity on her part, but I guess my question is: Is this a huge red flag, or just a small one that will go away. My current issue is the fact that I'm planning a Bachelor party. She has it in her head that there will be strippers at this party, which she has forbidden. I don't really care for strippers anyway (sene enough of them in my day to care), so its not a big deal, but she is really worried that one of my crazy freinds will get them even if I tell them seriously NO STRIPPERS. I have told her my true desires for this party. I want a weekend with my best friends drinking and hanging out, because I don't get to do that very offten and that would be fun, maybe a fishing trip, but just a guys weekend. So now she is going to vegas to "offset" my guy's weekend fishing trip. I don't really care if she goes to vegas, but I can't help but get a little upset that she is doing it because of what I'm doing. Mind you, she is having her bachelorett party on a completely different weekend. What gives?
zicke Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 You sound really immature, both of you. I agree with her, why should she sit at home while you go out? Why is this bugging you so much? You sound somewhat insecure.
Trialbyfire Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I also don't see anything wrong with what she's doing. Are you concerned about what she might do while out with the girls?
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I think it's really presumptuous on your part to assume she's going out with her friends when you go out with yours to spite you. Why should she stay home when you're out?
Trialbyfire Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I think it's really presumptuous on your part to assume she's going out with her friends when you go out with yours to spite you. Why should she stay home when you're out? Agreed! If anything you should be encouraging her to go out when you do, so she's having fun too.
Mary3 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 It sounds so * tit for tat *. She seems like a cry baby who has to get her party on ~ ~only because you do.. She needs to grow up. Do not get married to this girl. There is nothing wrong with either of you doing your party thing. Its the lame reaction she is giving you for having your B party.
AcidDJx Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Mary3, if he loves her and they're compatible, why shouldn't he marry her? One flaw means no marriage? Come on.
Mary3 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Immature is immature. He is still going to be marrying it....
johan Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I'll take the original poster's side. I'm sure that it comes across in his fiance's tone that she's going out to spite him. If all she said was, "hm, I guess since you won't be around maybe I'll call up my friend and see what she's doing" or simply "ok, have fun and behave yourself" he wouldn't have much to post about. Maybe it comes across more as, "if you don't want me to go out, then you shouldn't be going out yourself. You aren't getting this night out worry-free." That kind of behavior is not unheard of. I don't know if this is something to be concerned about. If she did a lot of other stuff out of insecure spite, and if she made a lot of groundless accusations, then you'd have something to worry about.
johan Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 As far as the strippers go, I'd definitely discourage it if it was my party, just because I don't want a bunch of strippers around. But the groom is often not in control of what happens at the bachelor party. The fiance has to trust him.
quankanne Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 hah, a fishing trip sounds a hell of a lot more fun than watching someone take their clothes off for money! OP, your post is troubling, and I hate to say it, but this is a huge red flag, almost like she's pitching a hissy fit everytime you do some, she's going to stamp her little foot and do something to get even/to show you. in a healthy relationship, the principles should be able to act independently (provided there's no fishy stuff going on) without some kind of retaliatory "threat" it sounds like she's making. If it's her plan to do something while you're gone, fine, but the whole way she approaches it just sounds more than a little bit strange. Mature people don't pull that kind of stuff, it's just too junior high. does she do this when she doesn't approve of whatever you're doing?
Mary3 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 She also sounds controlling and jealous. She * forbids * you to have a stripper ?? If my husband to be was going to have a bachelor party and warned me there would be a stripper. Well Hello; Its entertainment. She is not going to have sex on the floor with him. She is going to play with him. Big deal. If he loves me he will show some respect for me. It sounds like you said : "This is an on~going problem for me " If thats TRUE then do not marry this cry baby.... If you want to fish or watch a stripper, thats UP to you !
Haloandhorns85 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 It's all in the tone. From just reading your post, I get the feeling you are actually the one with the problem. Why should she sit at home if you are going out? That's the way I look at it with my bf. If he goes out, I go out. If I go out, he goes out. We rarely leave one at home by themselves while the other is out having fun with friends. Expecting her to sit at home while you are out partying is selfish and insecure on your part. But then again, just in text you can't get the actual tone and the tone can change the whole conversation. If she has the attitude of spitefulness, then, yes, there is a problem. But not a big enough problem just to write her off and not marry her. Everyone has some insecurities somewhere in their life. Maybe this happens to be hers. Did she have an ex in her past that cheated on her while he was out with the guys? Maybe that's where her insecurity comes from. Not saying she shouldn't work on it, but that's where you being an understanding husband/boyfriend should come in. Perhaps pre-marital couseling could help set you two on the track for a healthy marriage.
Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 It sounds like you have a very competitive relationship with her and, yes, this is a red flag. Even if you're not competitive with her, she'll be competitive with you and it'll start to make you nuts. I'm not sure that you shouldn't marry her but I do think you need to give this some serious thought and look at other aspects of your relationship with her. If this is a pattern then it'll become more pronounced in your marriage - particularly when kids come along. You'll do something with the kids, and then she'll have to top it. It's just a matter of how good the rest of the relationship is and only you know the answer to that.
Trialbyfire Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 So Surf, you haven't responded after your initial post. Maybe more information might be helpful. Usually situations like this tend to branch from other issues within the relationship.
Recommended Posts