colourithappy Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Hey, this will be my first post, I've admittedly lurked around after finding this site for about two weeks. I plucked up the courage to sign up and speak. I have to say a massive thanks to everyone that posts because I've read so much, and by reading them has helped me more than anyone could ever imagine. So here's my story.. (it's long ) I was with my ex for two years on and off. The on and off part was because we kept breaking up for silly amount of times. We were immature and young. It was never stable and always seemed to go round in a circle. He was the first person I ever loved, my first love. That in itself probably sealed our fate We had a weird relationship, but it was our weird relationship. I think perhaps because he was my first in a lot of things I had no experience in how a real healthy relationship should be. Although He wasn't perfect, and neither was I - we loved each other, and that was real. We broke up around March time of this year. It started going wrong around Christmas time, he spent that apart, and our anniversary on New Years. Briefly got back together for my birthday in January, come February on Valentines Day, he cancelled on me.. And from then it went really down hill. I don't know exactly what happened, he went loopy, wanted time out, a break. He couldn't explain anything or put me straight. He did play games with me because he neither wanted me, or wanted me to go. I felt he had me dangling on a piece of string because he knew I wanted to be with him and help him. I pretty much never got closure, no explainaton or anything. I think this is what primarily drove me nuts, I was unable to move on. I hoped for a reconcillation so much. I was being silly, it was never going to happen. He used to lie to me so much and soon after his words became meaningless. He'd say one thing, and do another. I know neither was perfect, I'll admit to that. It just boiled down to one thing, we was no good together. He changed ever since he started this new job where primarily was all girls. I can say hand on heart I was never the jealous type, I was too independant to worry about those. Most importantly, i trusted my boyfriend. His whole attitude changed towards me since he worked there. He suddenly had no time for me, had no money to see me or for us to do things yet miraculously would find out that he'd be out on his staff nights out spending money he didn't have, or inviting me? It's no small wonder I turned into a insecure mess. Maybe he really did want to get rid of me there and then, but he never had the guts to do it.. so who knows. Oh and that he made me feel so so stupid about how I felt about that scenerio. It was all in my head apparently. So pretty much from March to now, I'd regularly text him, or stupidly phone him if I were drunk.. etc etc. I even got upset and said horrible things to him. I can't excuse myself, I felt confused. Angry at myself because I'd turned into such a pathetic excuse for someone. I know no longer respected myself, I seriously couldn't have by doing all that crap. It scared me bcause I've always fiercely been my own person, some could call it stubborn etc etc. I obviously wasn't aware of the whole NC business. I just physically could not do it. You think he inititated the calls, the texts etc? No. Not one single one. You would have thought I'd have gotten the hint. I clearly didn't. We agreed to be friends, but not exactly sure what the "friends" entailed as I don't even think he wanted to speak to me anyway, so that was pointless in itself. He admitted a few times, that he liked hearing from me on more than one occassion. But of course he ****ing he did, it rubbed that ego of his.. Believe it or not, I was starting to feel okay about myself. That life was life and things happened. I hoped for a happy life for him. And that our relationship was purely under the bridge now. I was moving on. Last week, after an inkling that he'd met someone else. I had asked him (stupidly) and he ignored me for a week or so, and then got back to me and had admitted that there was a friend that was "being good to him", and that she infact was a girl from his work. I felt sick, so so sick. It pretty much ****ed me up for the whole week. I certainly hadn't behaved this way in those previous months. So why now? He made no attempt of explaining or apologising for how he had made me feel before. He just talked to me liked crap, pretty much as thought I meant nothing. I certainly felt nothing. We had the biggest argument via text, it was horrible. Believe me, I was no angel and I told him a few home truths, I tend to say things out of anger (but don't we all?) and he came out with his too. That I was thick as sh*t if I believed everything about his work, that I was being about it all. It was the best thing he ever did by getting away from me, that I was a proper bitch and he's never been happier since! After that little episode I HAD to change my number because I wasn't prepared to do this to us anymore. It was not healthy at all. I think then I truly felt the heart break, it was there all right. Just delayed by a few months! I felt sick, was being sick, wouldn't eat at all, crying constantly wouldn't sleep. Worryingly came out in a rash that kept appearing each day. I stupidly took a day off work, and they were worried about me. I simply wasn't operating. So it'd be a week and each day were slowly but surely getting better. I decided to write one final email (I had read many posts on here, wasn't sure if it was the best idea I ever had) as I did not want him to know my number anymore. I typed it out, and then wisely saved it for about 1/2 a day then read it again. This time I knew it was okay to send it as that email was MY closure, I wanted to tell him exactly how I felt. I wasn't trying to win him back, I was telling him goodbye and to explain how I felt, and how he had made me feel. That was Tuesday. This week has been fine, I've been doing fine. I had all of last week to get it into my head, the horrible thoughts etc etc. I'm obviously taking one day at a time, but i'm definitely doing okay. He replied to my email.. if it's okay I will post it, Hey. Your probly not gonna beleive this but i came on my emails for the first time in ages cos i was actually considering emailing you. I had about 435 random emails, one of which was from you, which suprised me! I read an re-read your email over n over and to be honest im ****ing ashamed (i kinda swear a lot too these days, mayb its the irish in us or mayb im jus coming down with a severe case of tourettes) at the way ive treated you over the past few months. Yes my head was ****ed up and i totally changed on you, but its no excuse to treat someone who i really cared about the way i did. I know it doesnt make any difference now but i am so sorry that i hurt you so much. i think back over all the times that i was a tw*t to you an u have no idea how much i regret the things i did and said. I guess the real reason for me emailing you was to try and convince you that all of this was nothing to do with anyone else. it was totally me on my own wen we split up and for months after, so there was no other influences on wot i did. it was totally my own thing in my own head. Another thing is i did find it very hard to talk to you for the last few months we were together. i found it hard to talk to anyone and i dont even know why. it did really hurt me cos before that i could actually talk to you and u were like my lil saviour wen it came to my problems and i used to be always able to tell you. i dont even kno why that changed but i barriered myself off from everyone i cared about, particlularly you, who i cared about the most. i really cant explain it, to this day wen ive calmed down i still cant even explain it to myself. i am just utterly disgraced by the way that i treated someone who really did care about me and treat me well (yes u could be a bit of n*b sometimes but we all can :-) ) Even after all the stuff uve said to me in anger (an i do think it was said in anger not through pure hatred) i still actually like you, and miss the old us. The old is gone forever now and this email isnt intended for any other reasons other than to try and explain to you, I think its easier for me write things down now like this rather than try and talk because before i felt that there was so many things smashed up in my head that i couldnt explain it how i wanted to, and that jus made me angry. Wen i was reading your email my lip wasnt curling how i think u were imaginin it, and i definetly wasnt angry andy. was almost in tears to be honest. i didnt forget we were goin on holiday at all. this thurs jus gone we shud have been on a plane at 11pm rather than here. an it makes me so sad. Particulalry as it was ME that ****ed it all up. Another thing thats been bothering me recently was how u took it wen u asked if id met sum else. I said that there was sum1 who was bein good to me. long long after we split up but it hadnt come to anything, That by no means meant that i was 'getting it on' with anyone. I only mentioned it to you because i was trying to be very honest with you. To be honest with you i miss you. i miss the old us where i could speak to you and i wud feel just better cos you were there. remember that time wen my mum kicked me out and i had to trek to yours with my big bag like a pikey hitchiker an you came up behind me on the bus and took me to yours? that was one of the worst points in the last few years uno but u were there n u helped me and you made it ok. An then look how i treated you, i really am ****in disgraceful. Im not writing you this for sympathy, or for forgiveness or for any other reason other than that i think u deserved me trying in my own useless way to actually talk to you. An i hope you dont read this and hate me. Altho i would totally understand if you did. So yeah, thats probly just a load of waffle, which makes no sense, and doesnt make any difference at all now. But i hope you do read it, and dont hate me. An if there ever is a m**** reunion, i imagin you'd walk in looking gorgeous and happy with a totally deserved happy life. and i'd see you and id be so pleased and happy for you. You deserve that, and i promise im not trying to sound patronising or anything, i do honestly mean it you. His reply certainly surprised me as I did not expect that sort of reply. Probably the most he's spoken to me in a long long time. I do feel we'll be okay now. I wish him happiness. He gave me the final closure to moving on. It definitely helps knowing he doesn't detest me. I feel so okay about this now. I feel it's all be put to bed now. We no longer hate each other, yet do not want to be with each other now. I have no intention of replying to him, I don't feel I have anything else to say. Onwards and upwards with NC and getting on with my life. Day two. ((apologies for long post - but it has made me feel a hell of a lot better))
trulysomething Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I read his reponse and cried. It reminded me of an ex I had a long long time ago who apologized for treating me badly years after we broke up. We did not talk for a very longtime after that (like 10 years)..and recently we've started emailing each other. He's married now with two kids, and you know what? I am genuinely happy for him and I enjoy our simple email exchanges. Best of luck with No Contact and don't feel bad about anything...we all react in weird ways when we know (even subconsciously) that things are going downhill. You deserve the best life possible, and hopefully you just feel a little more at peace and free.
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