daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 A friend of mine told me the story about her ex that made me wonder how many of us miss out on a good thing because our pride gets in the way. She began dating a guy, with the caveat that she wasn't over her ex who had left the city to find his luck elsewhere without her. He said he understood, but still wanted to get to know her. So they took their time and got to know each other. He was good to her, for her and she was to him. He moved in. One day, while she was sitting on teh toilet of all places, her ex strolls in to her place without knocking. He had heard that she was living with a new guy, yet still had the audacity to walk in like he owned teh place. He got down on one knee and asked her to take him back. Said he made the biggest mistake of his life, and that he and his parents had prayed that she would accept him back. So she picked up her things, said goodbye and apologized to the new boyfriend and became engaged to the ex. She moved away with him. Six months into it, she started realizing how selfish and vain this man was. She started comparing and felt she got teh short end of the stick for leaving a good man for a girlie man who liked to check himself out in the mirror. She called her ex and told him she had made a huge mistake. Surprisingly, he and his family accepted her back with forgiveness. Knowing the guy, I can't say as I'm surprised. He's a warm, gentle, kind man. He knew that the two were compatible and had a lot in common. They go together like peas and carrots, and if it weren't for unfinished business, there wouldn't have been a blip on the radar. It would have been a tragedy for them not to have been together. I read these forums where men and women get so defensive and afraid of hurt, that sometimes they miss the bigger picture. Everyone will recommend protecting your pride and ego every time. Like it's a competition and we goad each other to make sure we one up the other person. There's no room for giving people the benefit of teh doubt, especially early on in the dating process where you don't know how the other person reacts to situations or what their beliefs are. With advice like that, how will two people get beyond fear, defensiveness and ego protection? My answer is that most of the time they don't. If one person isn't assured at all times that the other is crazy about them when they are, they're nexted. Relationships rarely work that way. People on here simply advocate pulling the plug and nc. It doesn't seem so much like advice, as insurance that no one on this forum will mature enough to learn how to adapt in relationships and MAKE ONE WORK. So then we can all feel happy about our failed relationships/dating situation and we dont' have to look at what we're doing wrong because everyone else is in the same boat. Just sayin' there's a lot of immature views here. I’m not saying give the benefit of the doubt when you’re being disrespected, cheated on, abused, or the person has a lack of character in general. I think in those cases you’d end up sorry in the long run. But I’m sure glad that my friend didn’t have this forum to brainwash him into thinking that one size fits all.
JP77 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 A friend of mine told me the story about her ex that made me wonder how many of us miss out on a good thing because our pride gets in the way. She began dating a guy, with the caveat that she wasn't over her ex who had left the city to find his luck elsewhere without her. He said he understood, but still wanted to get to know her. So they took their time and got to know each other. He was good to her, for her and she was to him. He moved in. One day, while she was sitting on teh toilet of all places, her ex strolls in to her place without knocking. He had heard that she was living with a new guy, yet still had the audacity to walk in like he owned teh place. He got down on one knee and asked her to take him back. Said he made the biggest mistake of his life, and that he and his parents had prayed that she would accept him back. So she picked up her things, said goodbye and apologized to the new boyfriend and became engaged to the ex. She moved away with him. Six months into it, she started realizing how selfish and vain this man was. She started comparing and felt she got teh short end of the stick for leaving a good man for a girlie man who liked to check himself out in the mirror. She called her ex and told him she had made a huge mistake. Surprisingly, he and his family accepted her back with forgiveness. Knowing the guy, I can't say as I'm surprised. He's a warm, gentle, kind man. He knew that the two were compatible and had a lot in common. They go together like peas and carrots, and if it weren't for unfinished business, there wouldn't have been a blip on the radar. They're one of those couples that you envy because they are so compatible. I read these forums where men and women get so defensive and afraid of hurt, that sometimes they miss the bigger picture. Everyone on here will tell the suffering person to go nc every single time, regardless of situations. The dumpee just needs to harden his/her heart and walk away and never give the other person a second chance. But seriously, how do you ever finish that business until you know for sure? Most of the time I agree. There's abuse, cheating, incompatibility, lack of character in general. Don't give those people the benefit of the doubt, cos even if you had them back you'd be sorry. But my girlfriend wasn't one of those people. She wasn't stringing anyone along. She was simply confused and having a rough time sorting things out. and her husband didn't take it personally and was very understanding. I'm guessing he never came onto this forum to be brainwashed into thinking that one size fits all. He also sounds like a doormat and nice Forrest Gump quotation there. In fact this story reminds me a bit of Forrest Gump. If I was the guy she dumped, I wouldn't have taken her back, she wouldn't be worth my time, if she upped and left. If they were as compatiable as you say they were, she wouldn't have gone off with her ex boyfriend. This story is a classic case of girl gets fed up with door mat and goes off with the jerk. She then realises the safer option is the doormat and swallows her pride and chooses to settle with the safer option.
Author daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Jp, When I speak of immature posters, you can automatically assume that I'm specifically referring to you.
JP77 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Jp, When I speak of immature posters, you can automatically assume that I'm specifically referring to you. I'm maturing like a fine malt and it's a difference of opinion. You're male friend has no respect for himself, if he allows to be trampled on.
blind_otter Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Something similar happened to me, although I was the bad person in the story - I was in a LDR with a man from the UK when I met my current S/O. My S/O knew that I was in an LDR, but for whatever reason he decided to hang out with me. We got close, but it was with the understanding that this would only be a brief affair. I left to visit my LDR, and while I was there he took me to Amsterdam and proposed to me. I said yes, but I had misgivings. I couldn't stop thinking about S/O. LDR moved to the US to live with me, and things went downhill over the course of 2 months. Eventually I kicked him out. I was at loose ends for a while, but one day S/O happened to call me. He was hanging out with some chicks he had met, but he wasn't attracted to them and he was thinking of me. He came over to my house. We were inseperable from then on. That was about 3 years ago. S/O and I are still together today.
Author daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Blind, That's a great story. Sometimes you have to finish business to end their hold on you, I guess. I'm thinking my friend would have always wondered what if had she not been able to go back and realize who was the better man.
JP77 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Something similar happened to me, although I was the bad person in the story - I was in a LDR with a man from the UK when I met my current S/O. My S/O knew that I was in an LDR, but for whatever reason he decided to hang out with me. We got close, but it was with the understanding that this would only be a brief affair. I left to visit my LDR, and while I was there he took me to Amsterdam and proposed to me. I said yes, but I had misgivings. I couldn't stop thinking about S/O. LDR moved to the US to live with me, and things went downhill over the course of 2 months. Eventually I kicked him out. I was at loose ends for a while, but one day S/O happened to call me. He was hanging out with some chicks he had met, but he wasn't attracted to them and he was thinking of me. He came over to my house. We were inseperable from then on. That was about 3 years ago. S/O and I are still together today. That's fairly insignicant, as we are not talking about you. This man has allowed himself to be used and abused as if he were a doormat. It's not good, if that was me, I'd tell this woman to choke on my willy wonka.
JP77 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Blind, That's a great story. Sometimes you have to finish business to end their hold on you, I guess. I'm thinking my friend would have always wondered what if had she not been able to go back and realize who was the better man. She would have gone to make another person's life a misery with her selfish behaviour.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 The guy might have taken the girl back, but I think he's gonna always hold that against her. What does pride have anything to do with it? I feel bad for the guy... what if another man comes along and the girl runs off again? Will he look the other way?
Author daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 I'm maturing like a fine malt and it's a difference of opinion. You're male friend has no respect for himself, if he allows to be trampled on. Actually, you speak of things you don't know. My friend is not remotely a doormat. He just knew that he had a good woman, which she is. And aside from breaking his heart 12-13 years ago, she hasn't trampled on him.
JP77 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Actually, you speak of things you don't know. My friend is not remotely a doormat. He just knew that he had a good woman, which she is. And aside from breaking his heart 12-13 years ago, she hasn't trampled on him. I'm commenting on what you have disclosed, if you are choosing to keep hidden to fit your agenda, then that's your prerogative. Paper cut sums up what I think nicely. She's a good woman? I dread to think what a bad woman is like.
Author daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 The guy might have taken the girl back, but I think he's gonna always hold that against her. What does pride have anything to do with it? I feel bad for the guy... what if another man comes along and the girl runs off again? Will he look the other way? This is the point I'm making. There are unhealthy people who don't know what they want and mistreat you so it's better to walk away. More often this is the case and the advice to walk away is very valid. I think that in those situations it's almost obvious what the person should do. However, this wasn't such a case. Whatever bad feelings he had are gone. She's not going anywhere. They've been married for about 12 years now, together about 13. He's stuck with her now.
JP77 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 This is the point I'm making. There are unhealthy people who don't know what they want and mistreat you so it's better to walk away. More often this is the case and the advice to walk away is very valid. However, this wasn't such a case. Whatever bad feelings he had are gone. She's not going anywhere. They've been married for about 12 years now, together about 13. He's stuck with her now. Because he is doormat and can't get anyone else, no doubt. His self esteem or lack of it, has lead him to just settle with someone who treated him with such a lack of respect. I run a one strike and you're out policy, I guess he runs a 1000 strike and you might be out policy.
Author daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 She would have gone to make another person's life a misery with her selfish behaviour. You make too many assumptions. How do you know blind is selfish? Personally, I try to end all business with exes before getting involved with a new one. I respect the new person and myself enough to know that they a new beginning should come before anyone that was able to let me go. However, I don't think most people operate this way so I've learned to try to see it from another point.
Author daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 I'm commenting on what you have disclosed, if you are choosing to keep hidden to fit your agenda, then that's your prerogative. Paper cut sums up what I think nicely. She's a good woman? I dread to think what a bad woman is like. Wow, well I guess having any kind of intelligent non inflammatory discussion with you is out of the question. I didn't keep anything hidden. I hd to cut the post down or no one would read it. I also wouldn't hold you as an authority of what a good person is.
JP77 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 You make too many assumptions. How do you know blind is selfish? Personally, I try to end all business with exes before getting involved with a new one. I respect the new person and myself enough to know that they a new beginning should come before anyone that was able to let me go. However, I don't think most people operate this way so I've learned to try to see it from another point. I wasn't talking about blind, I was talking about the woman who had the grass is greener on the otherside attitude and came back with her tail between her legs. You have learnt it is acceptable to trample over someone providing you get the ex out of your system. If this is the case, why not save yourself and the other person heartache and remain single and get over him first?
Art_Critic Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I think most people have tried the going down in flames type of stuff till they realize that it just hurts their heart too much to do it any other way than NC.. I know I've always been the type to follow my heart in breakups.. It honestly has gotten me nowhere except hurt more.. We learn from trial and error.. in the beginning we do the heart stuff till we see the errors then learn that NC is the best way to heal.. Of course NC isn't the only way and stepping back into your past can work or has worked with some but it isn't the norm. LS is all about seeing someone in pain and helping them get thru it..
thrustrebel Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Daphne, I love what you're getting at here. I think you are right, a lot of people seem unable to comprehend the idea of forgiveness on this site. Either that, or I'm sat in a nice big pile of denial ;-) To play devils advocate for a moment, I do believe everyone should aspire for the perfect relationship, and consequently the people here see our stories and think "Well if she acted that way once, he could do better". I respect that too, I think it needs to be said sometimes. And I appreciate that the people who give advice here assume we are worthy of the perfect relationship. It's such an interesting debate because I've been giving this a lot of thought and I'm really glad you bought it up. When reading this site I built my strength regarding what to do with my commitment phobic girlfriend. I was going to finish with her because of TONS of peoples stories on here that say they never change etc. It's actually suprisingly difficult to find success stories of commitmentphobes on the web. BUT then I decided you make your own life and I'm going to talk to her and try and work it through. This place has really helped because I've realised things absolutely have to change (which I would have ignored for longer otherwise), but on the other hand if I'd have taken things people here have written too seriously, I wouldn't have even given her a second chance and gone NC. On the defence of the people who write on this forum (again), they all seem genuinely caring and want the best for you. I don't believe what we're dealing with here are judgemental or closed minded people. I believe it's partly the fault of those that ask for advice too. It's amazingly easy to write about all the bad aspects of a relationship but suprisingly hard to express the good things. Example: "Things are really bad between us at the moment" "Things are really good between us at the moment" Now, the 'really bad' sentence feels like it has a lot of weight behind it and expresses a lot of emotion. Yet the exact positive equivalent doesn't seem to does it? That's because, short of being a poet, it's really hard to express love and happiness realistically but oh so easy to express dislike. I have my own theories on this but am rabbiting on as it is. Oh god, just realised I'm actually having a debate with myself! Apologies, I'll stop now TR
JP77 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Wow, well I guess having any kind of intelligent non inflammatory discussion with you is out of the question. I didn't keep anything hidden. I hd to cut the post down or no one would read it. I also wouldn't hold you as an authority of what a good person is. I haven't been inflammatory once and yes lets all play the intelligent game, for my lack of intelligence, at least I have self respect for myself and stand up for myself. Now who is making assumptions? I don't care if you compare me to satan or Osama Bin Laden, I would never rub a girlfriend's face in mess, trample over her feelings to pursue pastures new and then come back six months later with my tail between my legs. It's disgusting behaviour and if a "bad man"/ "jerk" like me knows this, then I guess it must be pretty bad?
blind_otter Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Sometimes you have to experience things before you know that the reality isn't what you imagined it would be. Often when people are hung up on an ex, it's a fantasy image inside their head that they are attached to - moreso than the real person they used to be involved with. And some people need to experience the jarring reality before they realize that the reality is not what they had created in their head - in fact, it's 180 degrees different.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 This is the point I'm making. There are unhealthy people who don't know what they want and mistreat you so it's better to walk away. More often this is the case and the advice to walk away is very valid. I think that in those situations it's almost obvious what the person should do. However, this wasn't such a case. Whatever bad feelings he had are gone. She's not going anywhere. They've been married for about 12 years now, together about 13. He's stuck with her now. Okay i understand that. But cases such as this doesn't always happen. You're expecting at least most of LS'ers to try giving exes chances, but the possibility of a relationship happening ( again) are slim to none. Why move backwards when you can move forward? Those who look back, I have to question their self esteem.
Author daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 You have learnt it is acceptable to trample over someone providing you get the ex out of your system. If this is the case, why not save yourself and the other person heartache and remain single and get over him first? Actually, I was using a more severe case to make an analogy. It's more about how people don't even give an inch in dating for fear that their ego could be bruised. Sometimes just sitting back, watching and taking notes without being defensive can teach you more than the strict rule of one strike and your'e out. Depends on how serious the strike, really. Also, I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say that I have the strength of character to let someone back in that left me for an ex. I understand both points of view, I'm just not sure I'm that strong. But I think I'd give it a second thought if I felt that the person truly did understand that they messed up and knew I was the right one for them.
Art_Critic Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 But I think I'd give it a second thought if I felt that the person truly did understand that they messed up and knew I was the right one for them. My brother has been married 3 times.. twice to the same woman.. His second marriage lasted about 2 years.. the marriage was horrible and full of arguing and mistrust so they divorced.. She sent him flowers about 6 months after the divorce and they started dating again... they re-married..Had two wonderful kids ( twins.. a boy and girl ).. They have been married now the second time going on 11 years.. Here is the big catch... they are now going thru their second divorce.. except this time it is costly and long.. 9 months into it he has spent 30k on his attorney and they still have yet to get all the money settled.. I guess there are no guarantees and I have talked with my brother about how he feels he should never had married her a second time.. But if he hadn't he wouldn't have the love of his life.. his kids.. Kinda bitter sweet...
Author daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 rust, Glad someone can relate to what I'm trying to say. The reason I didn't post this in breaking up/second chances was because there I think people are looking for false hope and this story is really an anomaly. I wanted to illustrate how most of the time the advice may apply, but early on when you're getting to know the person you have to take a humbler, more watchful approach. We all have different communication styles, expectations, values. Getting prickly about it before you know truly the core of a person is counterintuitive. I wish you the best of luck with your ex. I'll take a breaking up thread position by saying be careful.
Author daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Sometimes you have to experience things before you know that the reality isn't what you imagined it would be. Often when people are hung up on an ex, it's a fantasy image inside their head that they are attached to - moreso than the real person they used to be involved with. And some people need to experience the jarring reality before they realize that the reality is not what they had created in their head - in fact, it's 180 degrees different. Very, very true. Sometimes we still have the rose colored glasses on when a new person appears. I guess that's why I tend to give it a long time before I date again so I can get the ex out of my system. I don't want them ruining a good thing because they're a known quantity that didn't work out. And the really bizarre thing is that they smell it and come back just to pee all over their territory!
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