She's with someone else, and I have to see them together every day

[bill1234]

Hi, just joined, because I hope someone out ther can help me with some wise words.

 

I am an emotional wreck.

 

I was seeing a girl from work (yeah, don't I know that was a bad idea) for four months. A couple of months ago I made the mistake of going on vacation for a week with a bunch of friends, that included my ex. My girlfriend never told me - until recently - that this was a huge deal for her. There is nothing between me and my ex, we're just good friends.

 

While I was away, she stopped returning my calls, and I had the strongest intuition about another her and another guy in the same company.

 

When I got back, she dumped me, citing my vacation - but then I started to see her and this guy together all the time. I confronted her about it and she denied it. Then three weeks later, I got an email from her that said words to the effect of: "I miss you; yes I have just seeing this other guy; I want you in my life as a friend". Then last week she posted pictures on Facebook of her and him together looking very much like a couple - from an occasion that was while I was on vacation, before we actually broke up.

 

The situation is killing me. I made a bad decision about the vacation, but I behaved with integrity and honesty - my ex is just a good friend. However, her reaction to this has been betrayal and lies. And because of the work situation, I have to see them together - every single day. I can't leave the job and move either, as I really need it.

 

It's been two months now and I'm still as hurt as I was when I got dumped. I've lost 15 lbs and I can't sleep. I just can't get over her.

 

Does anyone have any techniques or advice I can use to get over this? It is affecting every part of my life and driving me completely crazy.

 

Please help!

 

Thanks,

 

Bill

[rawkwell]

Sorry, Bill. It sounds like there was a miscommunication of sorts. My recent ex hangs out with his ex all the time, but he's always told me how crazy she is, so I know that he doesn't think anything of her.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way. I too can't sleep. I too can barely eat. I wish I could tell you what to do to make it better, but I can't. Just realize that you're not alone, that you're going to make it through this, that it will get better in time. Chin up. Try and get some sleep. I'm going to do the same.

[bill1234]

rawkell, I feel for you. The lack of sleep is like a vicious cycle - the less sleep you get, the more vulnerable and overwrought you feel, and the less you can sleep. I have been taking herbal sleeping pills, and while they don't help me get a full night's sleep, they do relax me a bit.

 

The only good thing is that now, two months later, I am sleeping more than five hours every night. When we first split, I was lucky if I got even one hour a night. The sleeping gets a little better every week, but it's a slow process. Hang in there yourself!

[MRevolver]

Bill, I t-totally feel your pain here as I am in a similiar situation. Long story short, I began dating a guy a few months ago, that belonged to the same club/organization that I did. Things were absolulely FANTASTIC up until he went on a trip overseas. When he returned, he didn't seem to be acting his old self but I just figured it would blow over. And in fact it did. Things were going great again until 1 night out of the blue, he showed up to a club event with another girl from the group. Now mind you... he supposedly was "too tired" to attend in the first place. But I digress...point is, I was floored! Completely dumbfounded and humiliated would be a severe understatement! Everyone knew that we were seeing each other yet, there they were together! I didn't speak to him that entire evening and before I could even muster up a good rebuttle, he'd written me an email that next day giving me the ol' "let's just be friends right now" line and well, that was that. It's been almost 2 weeks since our split and awkward, doesn't begin to describe things. We still see each other at club meetings and due to sharing mutual friends, at the occassional get together. He and she are both denying to folks that anything is going on but their actions, beg to differ. It's an annoying and dumb situation to cope with, especially when you were completely blindsided by it in the first place. But you can get through it!

 

For me I've found that just ignoring him like he's air works pretty well. I try to have absolutely no contact with him-even eye-unless absolutely necessary. Not because I hate him-quite the contrary-but rather, I need time to heal. If they come my way, I just turn my head and try not to pay them any attention. I figure it's better not to know/see if they look happy or not, than to stare them up and down and stew about how great they look together. See my point?

Also, don't look at her Facebook, etc! No use in driving yourself crazy while she just seemingly goes about her merry way.

 

Now on the flip-side...when I have had to make contact with my ex, I try to be as pleasant as possible...NEVER LET EM' SEE YOU SWEAT- but at the same time, I keep things at a minimum and very, very short. Think 'Yes', 'No' and 'Maybe' type answers. Nothing more. Even when out with our mutual friends, I still try to utilize this same technique as much as possible. Speak if I have to. Don't if I don't. Keep the peace as much as possible. I figure, no use in dragging anyone else into the mess, you know?

 

Another good thing I've been doing is thinking about his 'weak' suits. I mean, dude just flat blew me off. So it's like, is someone that callous who I'd really like to have as a significant other?? I think not. Also, I had to question what his feelings were from me anyways. We dated for about the same amount of time you and her did and he moved on in less than 12 hours!!! It could just be a rebound but on the same token kinda makes you wonder... People will sometimes use strange things as alibi's ("oh your trip") but if she really trusted you from the get go, a trip with your ex wouldn't have been a problem or at least not enough of one to immediately call it quits. Cause chances are you had probably been around your ex before prior to all this...

 

Anyhoo, just try and hold your head high Bill and realize that this too shall pass. You may even be friends again after it's all said and done! But you know...until that day, don't dwell on it and don't dwell on her. If you gotta be in contact, see her', speak and keep walking. YOU be in control of your actions and don't let her or what they're doing dictate how you feel or react. These techniques may not work for everyone but they've certainly helped me get through. Last night I noticed that since I began 'paying him no mind,' he doesn't seem to be throwing his new 'relationship' in my face nearly as much anymore...actually it seems like now I'm making HIM UNCOMFORTABLE and he's trying to avoid me! Either that or I'm finally starting to get to the point where I just don't care anymore. Who cares? At least I'm starting to feel better about it!

 

But ok. Hope things get better for you but in the meantime, I'm gonna go and put my game face on...Gotta see them tonight at an event! Take care.

-MR

[jon01]

Sorry man, I can't be too sympathetic for you. Going on a vacation with group of people including your EX? It doesn't matter how good you guys are, it's just something you don't do to a new GF, or any chick for that matter! I guess you deserved what you got.

[bill1234]

Hey jon01, when I first read your post, I was p_ssed. I was all prepared to get on my high horse and say "I might have deserved to be dumped, but I didn't deserve this."

 

But over the day, your words sunk in. It wasn't just that I went on vacation with my ex, but I also spent a lot of time hanging out with her too. And I went with my ex to a wedding that we'd both been invited to as well, before we split. And I stayed over in our house (in the spare room) several times. And man, about three hours ago the penny dropped.

 

I am entirely responsible for this situation.

 

I messed my girl up really badly, and I didn't even realise I was doing it at the time. And because of this, she did the only thing she could do to make herself happy, because I was treating her like cr_p. For her, that involved getting with the next guy who came along. Sadly for me it's going on right in front of me all the time, but that's nothing but bad random luck.

 

Since I came to that realisation, and took responsibility for my horribly insensitive actions, I have felt a whole lot better. All my anger towards her has just evaporated.

 

I don't know how long this feeling will last, and if it disappears again I'll still be looking for some advice about how to cope, but at the moment - thanks, man.

[jon01]

Hey Bill, you're a good dude and a verey reasonable and rational person. Sorry I sort of blasted you earlier, I am stupid like that sometimes. I can understand you are going through a lot of pain, as it sounds like you really want this chick. Just don't let the other guy bother you, as I don't think she is doing it to get back at you. Anyway, if you really want her then just keep chasing after her and try to win her back. What else can we do with these creatures, can't live with em can't live without em. We're screwed either way. Have a beer anyway, it's Friday

[Emmeline]

What she did to you wasn't right. She may have had issues with you still being around your ex-girlfriend, but she should have spoken up about it if it was something that bothered her. How sensitive to her concerns about your relationship with your ex were you? Did the two of you ever discuss it and did you know at all that she was uncomfortable with you still being in touch with an old girlfriend? If it was never discussed, then perhaps it should have been.

 

It's entirely possible that she felt that you weren't very committed to her if you were still spending time with an ex and going on vacation with group that included the ex. There may have been a lack of sensitivity on your part, but it still doesn't justify what she did either. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

I am not saying that you bear no responsibility for what happened, but you should not have to shoulder all of the blame. She had a responsibility here too to speak up if she was really bothered by your continuing to have your ex in your life.

 

Maybe letting go of at least some of your guilt over this will help you heal a bit. I'm sure it's hard to have to see the two of them together and I feel for you. Just remember that this girl was in part responsible for what happened too.