low interest level?

[31swf]

I had a first date with a new guy on Saturday night.

 

I think we both had a very good time, had loads in common (both identical twins) felt pretty relaxed with each other, etc.

 

When I dropped him back off at his house he said, "call me. I'd really like to go whitewater rafting with you". (my hobby). I'm thinking this shows that he's interested, but was chicken to ask me out, and was leaving it up to me. right or wrong??

 

Maybe I didn't really make it clear enough that I like him??

 

I emailed him Sunday night suggesting we do something this week, he got back to me within a few hours and suggested Thursday evening, but didn't suggest anything specific. I wrote him back, but didn't mention anything about thursday since he just mentioned it casually. He does have my phone # too, so I think I'll wait and see if he calls. any suggestions?

[longlegzs80]

This guy is totally interested in you. With him saying that he would love to go white water rafting should give you the hint that he would like to try it out sometime with you. This does not mean he is waiting for you to ask him out, or something. Just have fun with him. With him suggesting to do something Thursday is totally awsome. Just accept that this guy likes you alot and wants to get to know you more. I think it would be great to find someone who is also interested in white water rafting. Anyways, go for the gold and keep intouch with him. Things will happen. STay calm and understand that this guy, in his own casual way, asking you out. So, go for it. Take care and goood luck to you.

[clia]

I respectfully, totally disagree with longlegzs80...he may like you, but he really hasn't done anything to solidify that he definitely does in my mind.

 

When I dropped him back off at his house

 

Er...mind if I ask why you were the one doing the driving?

 

He sounds pretty unmotivated to me:

 

he said, "call me.

 

I emailed him Sunday night suggesting we do something this week

 

suggested Thursday evening, but didn't suggest anything specific.

 

Why are you doing all the work here?

 

It's great that he suggested Thursday, but until you have set plans, it's all talk. So it's now Thursday--has he done anything to solidify the supposed plans? I'm assuming he hasn't called you or you would've said. So, let's think about this. You had a nice date on Saturday and five days have gone by without him initiating any contact with you. It was nice of him to respond to your e-mail, but I wouldn't be too optimistic. He doesn't exactly seem like he's dying to see you or anything. Furthermore, I'm guessing he hasn't asked you out for the weekend yet? It's Thursday! The weekend is almost upon us...yet he hasn't made any effort to make sure he can get some of your time?

 

I don't know...I've been wrong before, but....he isn't exhibiting normal signs of "The Interested Man"

 

He does have my phone # too, so I think I'll wait and see if he calls. any suggestions?

 

Yes, this is the answer! If he doesn't call, he doesn't call...his loss.

[Curt]

Usually, Clia and I might disagree on this sort of thing, but this guy does appear somewhat "iffy".

 

I wonder though...is he just going about it in what this guy might consider a "logical" way? (I know some will disagree with the ideas, saying the setup is too weak wristed, etc., but just read it through...afterall it's only a theory as to what the guy MIGHT be thinking)

 

1. Tell her you want to go out sometime to express interest in her, but leave it up to her.

 

2. She got back to me, and expressed interest also. She's thinking this week. OK, now a possible time. Hmmm...maybe Thursday might work for us both.

 

3. Call back and suggest Thursday to see if she has anything going.

 

4. OK...She wrote back, and expressed interest.

 

NOW...this is where the wait makes me wonder. ????

 

He should have...

 

5. Called or E-mailed (preferably call) and said, yeah, let's go for dinner at BLAH BLAH BLAH on Thursday. I'll like to pick ya up around BLAH o'clock...where do you live ?

 

6. The date is confirmed. If she isn't sure of what the place is like, she ask some questions to guide her attire.

 

7. Pick her up at specified location (be early) maybe with a rose or small gift or whatever?

 

8. Go out and have nice date, followed by slow dancing or walk in the park by the lake, moonlight, BLAH BLAH BLAH...

 

Any problems with my idea here? Gift over top?

 

This might merely be a guy that is very "casual" as longlegz80 put it. Who knows ? Maybe he's trying to appear a little "harder to get" himself (I guess if gals can do it, guys can too?). I know that some girls will wait for a few days here and there for guys to call, even if they're dying to call themselves. I've had women suggest to me to wait until contacting a girl so as to remain slightly aloof. I think it's too bad when we get tied up in these sorts of "game plays". Nonetheless, if a woman that I really like suggests going out, I'm going to get in there with some definite plans almost right away.

 

In any case, he needs to get the plans together, and contact you with it in a timely manner if he wants to be taken seriously.

 

Curt

 

(Still sittin' on the Loveshack Waikiki idea. Network's gonna have to be changed thou )

[clia]

Nonetheless, if a woman that I really like suggests going out, I'm going to get in there with some definite plans almost right away.

 

EXACTLY! (Stop the presses! Curt and I agree!)

 

Any problems with my idea here? Gift over top?

 

You are following my train of thought exactly with your idea. That is how it "should" have gone, at least in my opinion.

 

I do think a gift is a bit over the top for a second date, but the rose is a nice idea. (Unless, of course, the gift is inexpensive, and based on something discussed on the prior date--i.e. talking about a certain CD and you burned it for her, or a book or something like that. It all really just depends on the tenor of the first date, etc...)

[31swf]

well, I have a second date tonight, so I guess he's somewhat interested. ha ha.

 

He's supposed to call me when he gets home from work.

 

Any quick tips on how to raise his interest level? (if, in fact, it is kinda low.) I'm not good at playing games.

 

ps - I only drove last time because we met at a restaurant very close to his house and he'd walked over. Then we went to another bar that was further away, so I dropped him back at home.

[PurpleAngel]

Don’t give ALL to him, take your time revealing yourself! Do more listening than talking. Make him make more moves etc… Get to know him, don’t see him all the time initially, just don’t always be available. When he calls you don’t talk on the phone too long etc… Get the drift?

 

Remember you can ‘t make someone like you… so the key is for YOU to get to know him and work out if he is right for you NOT if he is interested etc! He needs to prove himself to you. If he is not that interested then bugger him, don't waist your time!

 

[31swf]

we had a second date last friday night, and it seemed to go pretty well. talked alot, hit it off, etc. He didn't try to kiss me though, but said, "give me a call. I'd love to do something outside next time."

 

I called him on monday night to see if he wanted to go hear a band playing on the deck of a restaurant on wed evening. and he said he'd call and let me know that evening.

 

well, he called last night when he got home from work, like he said he would, but said he was just going to stay home, and didn't feel like going to hear a band. He said he needed to finish working on putting up the cabinets in his kitchen while his roommate was gone.

 

he said it was a good band though, and asked if I was going with a group of people. I stupidly said "no, I hadn't talked to anyone else about it yet". He said, "well maybe another time. I'll talk to you soon."

 

I know this is a blow off, but I don't understand why. things seemed to be going well.

how did I blow it? any suggestions?

[clia]

how did I blow it?

 

My opinion isn't popular around here at times on this type of thing, but here it is. Take it or leave it.

 

You blew it by getting all excited about a guy too soon who was showing lukewarm (if even that) interest in you. Here is a guy, who:

 

Makes you drive to somewhere convenient to him on your first date.

Asks you to call him to set something up after the first date.

Suggests a date to get together and does not follow through.

Asks you to call him to set something up after the second date.

When you do call, decides he'd rather put up cabinets than see you.

 

A first date means very little. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they aren't, and sometimes the parties differ on just how great a time it was. The first date means nothing until you get a phone call asking for a second date. Now, you got this phone call, but only after you initiated it. Do you think he would have called for a second date if you had not called him? That's a mystery we will never know the answer to.

 

There's a saying that goes "love those who love you." Now, I know you weren't in love with this guy or anything, but I've found it useless to get all excited about someone after one date. Sometimes they call, sometimes they don't. Their feelings for me after the date are something I have no control over. Even if I really like them and want to see them again, I don't put too much stock into anything or get overly excited about it until there's a second, third, or fourth date. This helps me to avoid getting crazy about guys who are only lukewarmly interested in me.

 

This is how I would have handled things. (Disclaimer: This is my way of doing things. I'm confident others on here will disagree with this and rip on it. Feel free. But it's my style and works for me in finding the types of guys I want to be with. Take or leave whatever you like):

 

When he asked me to meet him somewhere sooo convenient for him and so inconvenient for me on the first date, I would have declined, asked him to meet somewhere more convenient for me, or asked him to come and pick me up. I like to be with guys who are willing to make an effort for me, and don't expect me to get in my car and drive at night by myself and have to try and find and pay for parking while he can mosey on down the street to the restaurant. If he's this lacking in motivation to make an effort to see me on date one, then it only goes downhill from there, at least in my experience.

 

Assuming we made it through date one, I would not have called him and asked him out after that. I would have sent a nice e-mail thanking him for a nice time. This relays to him that the door is open for him to ask me out again, if he'd like. If he had not contacted me again for another date, then that would have been the end of it. I would go out on other first dates that week with other guys who would call me and ask me out again.

 

Assuming we made it to a second date, again, I would not have called and asked him out to see the band. This removes that horrible feeling of realizing that he'd rather put up cabinets than see me.

 

Being like this helps deflect a lot of the pain and wondering you are going through now. Be light about first dates in the future--anything can happen after them.

[31swf]

"When he asked me to meet him somewhere sooo convenient for him and so inconvenient for me on the first date, I would have declined, asked him to meet somewhere more convenient for me, or asked him to come and pick me up. I like to be with guys who are willing to make an effort for me, and don't expect me to get in my car and drive at night by myself and have to try and find and pay for parking while he can mosey on down the street to the restaurant. If he's this lacking in motivation to make an effort to see me on date one, then it only goes downhill from there, at least in my experience. "

 

it was a first meeting with a stranger, so we both perfered to meet at the restaurant. I don't have a problem with that. And he lives blocks from the main restaurant "strip" so him walking over isn't an issue either.

 

 

"Assuming we made it through date one, I would not have called him and asked him out after that. I would have sent a nice e-mail thanking him for a nice time. This relays to him that the door is open for him to ask me out again, if he'd like. If he had not contacted me again for another date, then that would have been the end of it. I would go out on other first dates that week with other guys who would call me and ask me out again. "

 

I did thank him via email for the great time, but I'm the one that mentioned getting together again. I shouldn't have done that. I dind't even give him a chance. I tend to get impatient when I like someone and don't like sitting around wondering if he's going to call. I don't actually sit and stare at the wall and obsess about him, but I don't like not knowing.

 

 

"Assuming we made it to a second date, again, I would not have called and asked him out to see the band. This removes that horrible feeling of realizing that he'd rather put up cabinets than see me. "

 

"I know that's an excuse, but couldn't it be a valid excuse?? it was short notice about the band.

I know I shouldn't have called him about the band. but on one hand I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe give him one more chance."

 

I know he's shy, and just started dating again, might be on the rebound still, I'm not sure.

would it hurt to wait until next week and give him a call??

[clia]

would it hurt to wait until next week and give him a call??

 

In my opinion, he has your phone number, so he knows how to get a hold of you if he wants to see you again. If it were me, I'd let him make the first move for once.

[midori]

I agree with all that clia has had to say on this topic. If a guy wants to date me, he will make an effort. Not a herculean effort, and I don't play games to make men jump through hoops, or "prove" anything. But it's obvious when someone is keen to see you. If they don't make an effort then they're not keen enough. And who wants to bother organizing dates and spending time with someone who's just not keen enough?

 

It sounds to me like you've got it in your head that you're supposed to have a relationship with this guy. And maybe you think that you just need to tweak things a little bit or nudge them or something so that the situation will "right itself" and you two will be on track. Since you get along so well and everything. But getting along well on a couple of outings does not indicate that a relationship is in the cards -- and it could very well have nothing AT ALL to do with you.

 

Clia's right, don't get your hopes up too soon; especially if you haven't had the chance to see what kind of baggage the guy is carrying. And we're all carrying some baggage.

 

 

Originally posted by clia

 

There's a saying that goes "love those who love you."

 

This is a classic piece of advice. In fact, I think I'm going to post it in the still-evolving "Classic Advice" thread.