arian_ma Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Hey guys, so I am sure most of you don't remember me or my story, and I won't get into it. Here is what happened. About 2.5 weeks ago, I went on my ex's Facebook to see her picture with her new boyfriend and it absolutely devastated me. Ruined my week to be frank. The picture was burned in my mind and everytime it came to my head I just collapsed as a person. Today, that bug snuck up again and I went on her page. This time, there was a whole album of her pics. I saw how she went camping with just him and they went to concerts together and such, she seemed really happy, hugging him kissing him. Even thoughts of them doing sexual things came to my head. Well...this time, I am not even upset. I don't even care, and in some pictures I even thought she looked plain awful. Just like I'd judge any other picture. I didn't get angry, I didn't wish for her back, my heart didn't drop, that knot didn't form, I could breath fine, I didn't yell... Well, I guess my question is this: is this fake? I recall reading these kinds of threads on here about how someone was totally over their ex just like that and thinking to myself oh that's bull**** they are just in denial and will feel it in a day. Is that actually true? Do I seriously not care enough to let it bother me anymore? How can that be? I was devastated last week. I haven't stopped thinking about her either. I mean, it didn't make me HAPPY to see what I saw, but I wasn't and still am not upset. I just don't care. I am happy with the way my life is right now, and as much as I miss the intimacy of a relationship, I know that I do not want that right now at all as it would only hinder me. I have realized that I do not like her, at all, and that I want to stay completely away from her. I have realized that I was the victim in this relationship, not her, I was lied to, not her, and that even though she made me believe that I was the bad guy, she was actually the one who was "not good". One more thing I should add that is probably pretty significant, when I think of her, I think and imagine the person who she was when we first started dating. The girl who I fell in love with, not this person she is now, who has turned 180 degrees from what I thought I knew, and is very harsh and brutal to me. Also, NC has been going on for a month yesterday. Last time I talked to her she called me over the phone, we talked for about an hour, and at the end she said she wanted us to have those talks once a month. I told her not to call me ever again and that even though I missed her, she was not going to continue being in my life. I just want to know if this feeling is artificial or not. I have my good days and my bad days, but right now I feel nothing. Please explain to me. Please be frank, I am not a little boy.
northstar1 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Hey guys, so I am sure most of you don't remember me or my story, and I won't get into it. Here is what happened. About 2.5 weeks ago, I went on my ex's Facebook to see her picture with her new boyfriend and it absolutely devastated me. Ruined my week to be frank. The picture was burned in my mind and everytime it came to my head I just collapsed as a person. Today, that bug snuck up again and I went on her page. This time, there was a whole album of her pics. I saw how she went camping with just him and they went to concerts together and such, she seemed really happy, hugging him kissing him. Even thoughts of them doing sexual things came to my head. Well...this time, I am not even upset. I don't even care, and in some pictures I even thought she looked plain awful. Just like I'd judge any other picture. I didn't get angry, I didn't wish for her back, my heart didn't drop, that knot didn't form, I could breath fine, I didn't yell... Well, I guess my question is this: is this fake? I recall reading these kinds of threads on here about how someone was totally over their ex just like that and thinking to myself oh that's bull**** they are just in denial and will feel it in a day. Is that actually true? Do I seriously not care enough to let it bother me anymore? How can that be? I was devastated last week. I haven't stopped thinking about her either. I mean, it didn't make me HAPPY to see what I saw, but I wasn't and still am not upset. I just don't care. I am happy with the way my life is right now, and as much as I miss the intimacy of a relationship, I know that I do not want that right now at all as it would only hinder me. I have realized that I do not like her, at all, and that I want to stay completely away from her. I have realized that I was the victim in this relationship, not her, I was lied to, not her, and that even though she made me believe that I was the bad guy, she was actually the one who was "not good". One more thing I should add that is probably pretty significant, when I think of her, I think and imagine the person who she was when we first started dating. The girl who I fell in love with, not this person she is now, who has turned 180 degrees from what I thought I knew, and is very harsh and brutal to me. Also, NC has been going on for a month yesterday. Last time I talked to her she called me over the phone, we talked for about an hour, and at the end she said she wanted us to have those talks once a month. I told her not to call me ever again and that even though I missed her, she was not going to continue being in my life. I just want to know if this feeling is artificial or not. I have my good days and my bad days, but right now I feel nothing. Please explain to me. Please be frank, I am not a little boy. That's tough - good for you that you've kept up the NC. It sounds like you are getting over her if you say you don't care about her new guy and her. However, you are performing some level of self torture by checking her page. You gotta stop that. Why tempt yourself, when it may actually bother you again at some point. As you say you still have good and bad days. You say you don't care about her, and think of of what she was - but you keep checking her page, so clearly you're still vested in what she is up to. Some day that may come back to bite you. My advice would be to keep up what you are doing, but stop checking up on her
Author arian_ma Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 northstar, firstly, thank you for the prompt reply. I am so grateful for LS. The thing is, I have tried very hard to stop and today was the first time in 2.5 weeks that I checked versus the 3 times a week before that. I asked my sister to change my password for me and not tell me it, so now it is an extreme pain for me to go on Facebook and I do not even have any desire. I am not over her per se, I don't expect to be. This is the first girl who I truly loved. But at the same time, she was the first person to ever make me feel like a fool by completely wiping out my sense of trust in anybody. I am interested to know what she is doing in the same way that I am interested in knowing what my friends are up to, maybe a tad stronger of a necessity towards her but you get what I mean? I am not trying to keep tabs on her by any means. I don't know how to describe it. I was hoping someone in a similar situation would chime in so I wouldn't have to describe myself. It's like...when I see her face, I don't hate her per se... it's more so that I have no respect for her. I have no emotion vested in the person she is, and have no interest in her in this specific moment. I wouldn't even speak with her if I saw her on the streets. What I haven't let go yet are the previous and loving thoughts that I have of her.
Kman21 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 do this (if you use firefox web browser): 1)download blocksite add-on and install it 2) when you install it, they have options to block a certain webpage 3) take ur facbook url which contains ur ex's profile and copy and paste it on blocksite 4) they require a password, now just type a random password that you not be able to figure out 5) thats it you are done! so every time you have the urge to see it, you would not be able to I have done the same thing for my ex's page, it really helps. any questions? just message me.
northstar1 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 do this (if you use firefox web browser): 1)download blocksite add-on and install it 2) when you install it, they have options to block a certain webpage 3) take ur facbook url which contains ur ex's profile and copy and paste it on blocksite 4) they require a password, now just type a random password that you not be able to figure out 5) thats it you are done! so every time you have the urge to see it, you would not be able to I have done the same thing for my ex's page, it really helps. any questions? just message me. You could do that, or easier is to just delete them as a contact.
Peter_pan Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 yeah dont look at it. the first thing i did when i found out my ex was with the guy i hoped she wouldnt be is that i del my facebook etc. that way it was impossible to see it also guys, i am paranoid that she will find this forum and find me and my posts. my user name gives away to much... how do i go about deleting old threads i started or at least change my user name? cheers
northstar1 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 yeah dont look at it. the first thing i did when i found out my ex was with the guy i hoped she wouldnt be is that i del my facebook etc. that way it was impossible to see it also guys, i am paranoid that she will find this forum and find me and my posts. my user name gives away to much... how do i go about deleting old threads i started or at least change my user name? cheers Not sure about your user name, but you can't delete old posts. Did you delete your entire account, or just her?
Peter_pan Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 well she blocked me from hers. then i blocked her from mine, but 30 mins later i knew i would end up looking at hers not signed in or i could easily do it through a friend so i completely deleted the entire account. plus i could still see her profile pic, so thought it would be best to del my account. felt soooo sooo good and relieved. never looked back. way less drama. recently heard through a friend she has del hers to... who is admin around here?
northstar1 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 well she blocked me from hers. then i blocked her from mine, but 30 mins later i knew i would end up looking at hers not signed in or i could easily do it through a friend so i completely deleted the entire account. plus i could still see her profile pic, so thought it would be best to del my account. felt soooo sooo good and relieved. never looked back. way less drama. recently heard through a friend she has del hers to... who is admin around here? Very smart.
Author arian_ma Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Yeah well I got my sister to change my FB password so that is the first step. My main question is still up in the air though...anyone got any advice for me?
stlnsmile Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 The feeling is not artificial, its probably just not perminant. We have roller coaster emotions, we learn we can live with out them and it feels good, then we have some memory that hurts, then we realize we can still live through that, then we have some other thing that hurts.......the good emotions let us know we can live with out them......the bad ones are normal, but eventually go away. We just end up having less and less bad emotions and more and more good emotions. It just takes time. Its not all or nothing..its a processssssssssssssss!!!!!
northstar1 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 The feeling is not artificial, its probably just not perminant. We have roller coaster emotions, we learn we can live with out them and it feels good, then we have some memory that hurts, then we realize we can still live through that, then we have some other thing that hurts.......the good emotions let us know we can live with out them......the bad ones are normal, but eventually go away. We just end up having less and less bad emotions and more and more good emotions. It just takes time. Its not all or nothing..its a processssssssssssssss!!!!! ' Very well put.
Jilly Bean Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 When an ex and I split, I was obsessed with checking his myspace. I would then click the pages of anyone who left him a comment. Just trying to piece together his life without me, really. It only served to hurt me more, really. SO, a good friend put me on a 30-day test to NOT check the page. He told me at the end of it, he would give me a chip like they do in AA. lol. Anyhoo, I did stick with it for 30 days. So maybe tell yourself you won't look for one week, and then another, and another, etc. Eventually, you won't even want to! Just remember that looking will ONLY upset you. So, why do it?
northstar1 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 When an ex and I split, I was obsessed with checking his myspace. I would then click the pages of anyone who left him a comment. Just trying to piece together his life without me, really. It only served to hurt me more, really. SO, a good friend put me on a 30-day test to NOT check the page. He told me at the end of it, he would give me a chip like they do in AA. lol. Anyhoo, I did stick with it for 30 days. So maybe tell yourself you won't look for one week, and then another, and another, etc. Eventually, you won't even want to! Just remember that looking will ONLY upset you. So, why do it? YES YES YES!!!. Checking those social sites only brings pain. You will analyze every picture, every post someone makes - often jumping to conclusions, or seeing things that will hurt you (ie. new love interests, how happy they are in their lives). Why torture yourself. Delete them or block the site. Do whatever not to look until you can without caring at all.
stlnsmile Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 The feeling is not artificial, its probably just not perminant. We have roller coaster emotions, we learn we can live with out them and it feels good, then we have some memory that hurts, then we realize we can still live through that, then we have some other thing that hurts.......the good emotions let us know we can live with out them......the bad ones are normal, but eventually go away. We just end up having less and less bad emotions and more and more good emotions. It just takes time. Its not all or nothing..its a processssssssssssssss!!!!! I just want to say, the fact that we are willing to go through this....well maybe forced at first....but that we do go through this, we do get through this, and that we do it on our own, with out using people as a cruch.......pretty amazing, it shows our strong characters. Sure it would be easier to hook up with someone and then put all our energy into that new person, keeping busy with them just so we didn't have to feel diddly...but in the end, that does not work, in the end, we realize we were just using that other person to make us feel better and we really don't like them at all, we just liked what they did for us. I guess all I am saying, is stay single for a while, until the pain is gone, until most days you are not thinking of your ex, and then.....when you move on....it will be good and real......and in that situation, believe me, your ex will have noooo power over you ever again. And thats exactly when they are going to call you:) Hahahaha!!!!!
Author arian_ma Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Thanks for the replies guys. I am going to try the "rehab" style of not checking her page for a set amount of time. I don't know, it didn't bother me and still doesn't, but I will keep avoiding it for my own good. More than anything, some days, the thing that bothers me most is feeling lonely. Sometimes I just don't know who I can call and that is the bothersome issue. Ah I guess with time all of this will be gone.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Remember that she will only show the good stuff. You will see the pictures at the party, but you won't see the argument in the car after the party.
Lookingforward Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Remember that she will only show the good stuff. You will see the pictures at the party, but you won't see the argument in the car after the party. LOL, good point- far too often we paint a too rosy mind pic of their life after "us"
Fun2BMe Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Well...this time, I am not even upset. I don't even care, and in some pictures I even thought she looked plain awful. Just like I'd judge any other picture. I didn't get angry, I didn't wish for her back, my heart didn't drop, that knot didn't form, I could breath fine, I didn't yell... Well, I guess my question is this: is this fake? I think the initial shock is wearing off and the hurt is lessening, but it is still there and sometimes it will come back stronger. It doesn't hurt that she looks awful in some of the pictures! I mean, it didn't make me HAPPY to see what I saw, but I wasn't and still am not upset. I just don't care. I am happy with the way my life is right now, and as much as I miss the intimacy of a relationship, I know that I do not want that right now at all as it would only hinder me. I have realized that I do not like her, at all, and that I want to stay completely away from her. I have realized that I was the victim in this relationship, not her, I was lied to, not her, and that even though she made me believe that I was the bad guy, she was actually the one who was "not good". If you're so over her and want to stay away, then why do you even bother looking at her page? I don't understand why you wouldn't delete her from your friend list?!?! She obviously isn't deleting you because she knows you are going to her page to look at all of her happy pictures with her new boyfriend and it would devestate her if you deleted her and she realized you were over her and couldn't get your attention any more. You're eating up all her games (I wrote "like a fool" then deleted it). One more thing I should add that is probably pretty significant, when I think of her, I think and imagine the person who she was when we first started dating. The girl who I fell in love with, not this person she is now, who has turned 180 degrees from what I thought I knew, and is very harsh and brutal to me. It will be hard to stop fantacising of who you want her to be instead of who she really is and how she broke your heart and is smearing it in your face through the pictures which you are subjecting yourself to to her delight. I would say stop looking at ANY pictures of her as difficult as that may be and as lonely as it might make you feel to realize she is no longer a part of your life. I think you are stalling that reality to sink in by looking at her pictures and in that way fooling yourself to think she is still a part of your life in some way.
Author arian_ma Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Hey guys, sorry for the delayed reply, I was away from the computer for the past week. Fun2BMe, thank you so much for the amazing post. It has given me so much strength today. You are absolutely right and I have heard all of this from other people. I don't know why I don't want to delete her from my friends list. I mean, right now, I could just go and do it, I am just afraid that I will regret it later for some reason. I know what you mean about the games, I was warned about them, the initial shock has definitely worn off though and I am fully aware of the repercussions of my actions, though I didn't expect this one. I still don't miss her over a week later. I do think about her like I mentioned earlier, but it's just a relationship that I miss and I know that. Again, thank you for all of the great words as well Cherry Blossom 35. You are absolutely right. But I just want all of you to know, I am not hung up on her anymore as many of you may think. The only reason I think about her is because I have no one else to think about. I haven't found anyone who I am willing to share myself enough with, or that i want to be with. I am not willing to take anything less than perfect anymore, and would rather wait 5 years for the perfect girl than do that to myself again. I feel strong because of this thread today. I was going to go on Facebook and check her page, but now I have the strength and will not to. Please keep the suggestions and comments coming, as you all know, they give us all a warm feeling inside.
Fun2BMe Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I feel strong because of this thread today. I was going to go on Facebook and check her page, but now I have the strength and will not to. Please keep the suggestions and comments coming, as you all know, they give us all a warm feeling inside. Good for you. Don't check it. I recently fought with a friend and I removed her from my facebook a few days later even though I was wanting to check out her page to see what she was up to. I think it hurt her that I did because the next day she reacted by doing something really awful, but I refused to torture myself by looking at the stuff she was posting on it. Imagine the message your ex will get if you remove her - she will think you have moved on and are no longer interested in her! It won't give her access to look at your page either. Do you want to wait until SHE removes you? How would you feel then? Once you remove her, trust me, you will not regret it. It will feel very empowering like you did something that was important and cut the chord. That's how I feel even though I feeel even though I thought I would regret it too.
Author arian_ma Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 That all actually makes sense Fun2BMe, now check this: She texted me today. I didn't reply and am not planning on it. All the text said was "Hi how are you".
Fun2BMe Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I know you won't do it, but I think this would be an especially ideal time to remove her from your account. It will totally crush her and give her a wake up call, that she can't be sleeping around with other guys and bragging about it with pictures she know you will see, then to think she has you all jealous and you'll respond to her text. Personally I would delete her right now and be in control as she keeps trying to get a hold of you so she will have more respect and appreciation for you not like you're a toy to be messed with, but who she can lose without her choice. Or if you're THAT tempted to respond, at least wait a few days to give her time to think of the consequences of her actions.
Author arian_ma Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I am not tempted to respond and I will remove her from my friend's list. The problem is that I cannot do it right now because as I mentioned before, my sister holds the password to my FB account and I do not know it. Kind of funny and sad at the same time, I will do that ASAP though. Thank you again for all of your help.
Author arian_ma Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 I am not tempted to respond... Hah well I will quote my own words here and show how someone can so easily persuade themselves to do anything... So, I am tempted to respond to the text. I found out on Friday that she had called a couple of my friends (mutual to both of us even though I am much closer with these people); I didn't want to seem weak and ask what she wanted from one friend, and the other friend did not pick up the call. This seems kind of odd seeing as she messaged me the day before. I am contemplating messaging back something along the lines of "Hey sorry I didn't answer the other day, what's up?" Curiosity kills the cat, every single time. Any thoughts or suggestions? Am I being stupid?
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