sunshinegirl Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 This is not meant to be a self-pity thread, but more a venting/frustration thread. I have spent nearly every weeknight for the last two weeks, at home, alone. I chalk this up to most of my close friends/family being away or busy. To wit: My parents are in Europe for 2 weeks My sister is out of town for work My other sister lives overseas Girlfriend #1 is swamped at work and is going out of town this wknd Girlfriend #2 has houseguests coming to town and is busy w/ that and work Girlfriend #3 is studying for the bar Girlfriend #4 is in California for the summer I am trying to occupy myself in various ways - I'm going for runs, making dinner for myself, reading lots of self help stuff! (including LS), generally just trying to cope with my feelings. I don't feel totally prepared, emotionally, to launch myself pell mell back into the world - still feeling down and I can still sink into the deep troughs unexpectedly. And, being somewhat introverted, it doesn't come totally naturally to just sign up for random crap by myself (cooking classes etc)...although I do have another voice lesson coming up tomorrow. I am taking 'steps toward life' but it just feels like not enough steps... or not enough life yet.
kizik Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 You may not mean it to be a self-pitying thread, but that's what it is. Your thinking is very dangerous. I don't mean dangerous in the way that I think you will hurt yourself of others, or even do anything destructive. Dangerous in that once we slip into that dark way of thinking, coming out is difficult. And being in that place is awful and unnecessary. SSG, you need someone to tell you that you let yourself be negative far too frequently and that you dwell on the lame-ness of your ex a lot, and you aren't doing much to pull yourself out of your unhappiness. I too am alone tonight with not much to do, but it's a sunny day and I'm young and alive and I have a great big heart that some woman will embrace someday, and fully love me for everything that I am. So snap out of it. People are worse off. They're dying and starving and in the scheme of things, we have no right to complain. PS. Introversion is a choice. You're afraid of rejection. While your ex rejected you, the rest of the world won't. Put yourself out there and be brave, say 'hi' to strangers, be outgoing, and great things will happen.
northstar1 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 You may not mean it to be a self-pitying thread, but that's what it is. Your thinking is very dangerous. I don't mean dangerous in the way that I think you will hurt yourself of others, or even do anything destructive. Dangerous in that once we slip into that dark way of thinking, coming out is difficult. And being in that place is awful and unnecessary. SSG, you need someone to tell you that you let yourself be negative far too frequently and that you dwell on the lame-ness of your ex a lot, and you aren't doing much to pull yourself out of your unhappiness. I too am alone tonight with not much to do, but it's a sunny day and I'm young and alive and I have a great big heart that some woman will embrace someday, and fully love me for everything that I am. So snap out of it. People are worse off. They're dying and starving and in the scheme of things, we have no right to complain. PS. Introversion is a choice. You're afraid of rejection. While your ex rejected you, the rest of the world won't. Put yourself out there and be brave, say 'hi' to strangers, be outgoing, and great things will happen. Leave it to Kizik to be the voice of reason
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 I don't see it as dangerous in the sense that I think I'm always going to be in this place. I wrote it out of frustration of spending yet. another. stupid. night. by. myself. I'm sick of my own company. I know you mean well, but I don't find your version of tough love very helpful. I know full well there are a lot worse things in life. Yep, I'm spending a lot of time getting my head around what happened in my relationship, and getting myself to a place of mental and emotional acceptance of who he is/was. For me analyzing it all works better than blocking everything out and blindly just moving forward. And the general trajectory of my threads is in the direction of progress, kiz.
kizik Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Listen, I feel lonely, all the time, too. OK? I don't pretend that the breakup hasn't devastated me. It f*cked me up in a way I didn't know I'd ever have to feel. But I''m through the worst of it. I think you are too. I'm sorry that my 'tough love' doesn't help you. I'm of the opinion that you spend too much time analyzing, that's all. I never suggested blocking out everything and 'blindly moving forward'. You will never be able to understand this man. From what you've said, he sounds like a douche bagggg. That's it. It's a shame people spend time considering people as douche-y as this guy. Which is why I don't think of R too much anymore... she does not deserve to be in my head. She's just a crazy bitch to me now. I used to love her as recently as like, a month ago. I don't feel that anymore. You're a great chick and I never want to put you off. If that's the case, I apologize. Just please treat your own mind better, and ditch this pr*ck from your thoughts.
orangehose Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 she does not deserve to be in my head. Just please treat your own mind better, and ditch this pr*ck from your thoughts. Exactly, exactly! Sunshine, I had this minor epiphany a few days ago in which I realized, "this ******bag doesn't deserve a MILLISECOND of my precious conscious lifespan." Life is precious. Consciousness is precious. And better to spend those precious moments contemplating other things than a clear ******bag who isn't going to stop being one and as a matter of fact, did you a favor all in all by not burdening you with his ******bagginess. [Granted, thoughts about my ex still run through my head, but it's not the same kind of cyclical analytical rumination as before... and I hope this epiphany sticks]...
orangehose Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Also, as cliche as this sounds, it really does help to start a new project or hobby or plan a trip somewhere and just start focusing energy more productively. Pick something you're genuinely excited about, and some of that excitement will push out the repetitive thoughts of the ex.
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Listen, I feel lonely, all the time, too. OK? I don't pretend that the breakup hasn't devastated me. It f*cked me up in a way I didn't know I'd ever have to feel. But I''m through the worst of it. I think you are too. I'm sorry that my 'tough love' doesn't help you. I'm of the opinion that you spend too much time analyzing, that's all. I never suggested blocking out everything and 'blindly moving forward'. You will never be able to understand this man. From what you've said, he sounds like a douche bagggg. That's it. It's a shame people spend time considering people as douche-y as this guy. You're a great chick and I never want to put you off. If that's the case, I apologize. Just please treat your own mind better, and ditch this pr*ck from your thoughts. This brought on the first tears in a week. Cathartic tears. Thank you. Exactly, exactly! Sunshine, I had this minor epiphany a few days ago in which I realized, "this ******bag doesn't deserve a MILLISECOND of my precious conscious lifespan." Life is precious. Consciousness is precious. And better to spend those precious moments contemplating other things than a clear ******bag who isn't going to stop being one and as a matter of fact, did you a favor all in all by not burdening you with his ******bagginess. I would really like to reach this point of epiphany. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am closer to it than I was a week ago... I credit Trialbyfire for much of that progress. Maybe you and kizik are helping propel me even closer. Also, as cliche as this sounds, it really does help to start a new project or hobby or plan a trip somewhere and just start focusing energy more productively. Pick something you're genuinely excited about, and some of that excitement will push out the repetitive thoughts of the ex. I know. I bought new climbing shoes and am going to NH next weekend with friends...am going canoeing next weekend...have a voice lesson tomorrow. So I do have some new stuff. I think what's frustrating is that I still have huge gaping chasms of time that aren't filled with the new stuff.
replicator Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Sunshine, I know just how you feel. I've been writing down self affirmations, and I keep a crumpled sheet of them on me at all times. I'm not mental, but it helps. When I start down those negative thoughts, I review them. Remember, you are the only person you have to please. As long as you keep trying, you'll be ok. Make some plans, fantasize about the future. All the things you're going to achieve. The great life you still have ahead of you. Negative thoughts only breeds negativity - there is no value in them. None whatsoever. Process your feelings, but then move on and do some affirmations.
ButtHead Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 As long as you're aware of your progress and you want to succeed in improving your situation, I think you're doing alright. I also spent nights alone and it's tough no matter what anybody tells you. Something that helped me was asking for help from a higher being. I'm agnostic, but trying to believe that somebody can help you helped me.
roghornio Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Hey i just read your other post "steps to liife" - what happened?! My evenings are pretty lame. get home from work, maybe do a bit of erecise (bench press, some weights, push ups, shoulders and sit ups probably) - dinner and then TV or Write some music. I cant really hang out with friends because nearly all of them drink heavily and it would mean sitting in a bar getting drunk every night - which i don't want to do It would be ok if it was nice bars with lots of ladies but they are not those kind of bars. I really don't know what to do with my time these days. Thankfully i am moving abroad soon, and i know exactly what i will be doing. Playing my band in clubs on weekends, learning the local language – maybe take up some kind of sport. I’m kind of worries though about being in a different city half way round the world – what if I’m on my own with no family or friends to talk too – will I be doubly miserable LOL. Hmm.. that sounds quite scary actually.
Zapbasket Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Hey SSG... (((((((((SSG)))))))))) I don't know how I missed this thread yesterday. Kizik, I agree with you that this dude sounds utterly unworthy one moment's thought, but I think you have to understand that some people simply are more prone to analysis and introspection than others. It's just how some people's minds work, and it's okay. I think what SSG is doing here is super-healthy; she's just having a low and lonely moment and is writing about it in a venue where she might get some contact from other human beings, and also where her own words can stare back at her, enabling her to see herself. Personally I'd be worried if she just wrote her ex off as a douchebag and didn't give any further thought to the matter. Because no matter how much of a douche he may have been, the fact is, she found something in him to love. So if he really IS a douche through and through, then she owes it to herself to ask herself what it was IN HER that caused her to fall in love with him. Otherwise she might fall for the same kind of person again. Personal change is very hard to achieve. It takes equal parts thought and action. Can't get very far without the thought. SSG, I don't have any advice, really, just wanted to say I can totally empathize. I remember one day last summer when I finally discovered what it was like for people who suffer from clinical depression. All my friends were away or busy; I didn't yet know about meetup.com and the Appalatian Mountain Club and riverside kayak clinics and other venues to do the outdoor stuff I love; I had no furniture in my apartment to which I'd just moved. And I felt So. Down. I had to force myself out of bed. And I gave myself tough love: "GC, you will NOT wallow. You will get dressed, get out there with your camera, and trek around the city taking pictures of street scenes and you WILL feel better." Well, I got out of the building with my camera and got as far as the top of the stairs to the subway and it's like I just COULDN'T get myself to go any further. I just stood there and couldn't do it. I'd never experienced anything like it before. After a few minutes when I realized that will wasn't going to win, I turned around, went back to my apartment, crawled into bed and faced the wall and stayed there for 2 solid hours and then slept. I felt so defeated and humiliated and feared I'd never get back to my overall optimistic, energetic, resilient self. And, I did. And I'm so glad I went through that experience, because it taught me sincere compassion for people who are struggling with emotional pain. Their suffering is real, not just some self-indulgence. One small suggestion: do consider checking out meetup.com if you haven't already. They have all kinds of activities going on all the time, and pushing yourself to go to events every once in a while CAN really make you feel better. You'll also get hit on like crazy if you to to the social meetups (or Meatups, as I like to call these kinds of events! heh heh); I got tons of dates back in December/January out of going to events--and with some really intelligent, interesting guys, too. Hang in there :bunny:. It WILL get better. You're doing great.
marlena Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 If you need this alone time to regroup and reflect, gather your strength and feel some calm after the storm, then, I think that it is a good thing, one that will take you to other side a better and stronger and wiser person. Don´t be afraid of being alone as long as you use the time with yourself constructively.
Meaplus3 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I don't see it as dangerous in the sense that I think I'm always going to be in this place. I wrote it out of frustration of spending yet. another. stupid. night. by. myself. I'm sick of my own company. I know you mean well, but I don't find your version of tough love very helpful. I know full well there are a lot worse things in life. Yep, I'm spending a lot of time getting my head around what happened in my relationship, and getting myself to a place of mental and emotional acceptance of who he is/was. For me analyzing it all works better than blocking everything out and blindly just moving forward. And the general trajectory of my threads is in the direction of progress, kiz. Sun, I can understand your need to analyze the situation and IMO thats a very good step towards acceptance. I would just be carfeul not to let the R consume all of your thoughts.. that is unhealthy. I think your doing the right things by keeping busy. Distractions can be very helpful. As for beign alone, Hang in the sweetie. Someone will come along one day and be right for you. Best wishes. AP:)
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Thanks so much to everyone. Today is a better day. My perspective is a bit more grounded. I totally get that it's obvious to anyone with a pulse that my ex is a douche, an emotional cripple, etc. I'm a smart girl -if this were anyone else's thread I'd say many of the same things that you guys do! So the real question for me is: what is going on in ME that is preventing me from seeing and accepting that he was so inadequate? Unfortunately it's boiling down to a self-esteem issue, which I hate to type out, let alone accept. I am strong and grounded and self-aware in every other context of my life...and I am a damn interesting, attractive, smart woman! But when it comes to men, I consistently make poor choices, accepting crumbs of attention instead of full-on, committed, consistent love. And then I'm devastated, like rock-bottom devastated, when the relationships don't work out. And I always get stuck in self-blame, rather than really seeing that the person I was with simply didn't have the qualities I thought he did. It's magical thinking - something even beyond having someone on a pedastal - and I have a hell of a time getting past the magical thinking. Sidebar: it helped dismantle some of my magical thinking to read a section in "Smart Women, Foolish Choices" about men who should be avoided. Eric is described, to a T, as a "Clam": a man who is completely unable to open up, unable to love, and a massive frustration to any woman who dates him. The woman mistakes his silence as "strength" and his aloofness as hiding some golden treasure that she will somehow be able to access. Instead, the Clam is selfish, withholding, and guarded, and he's hiding not any kind of golden treasure, but merely a tough, controlled inner core. The woman ends up doing the emotional work for the both of them and before long becomes frustrated. "If he hasn't learned to love by the time he is an adult, a woman won't be able to teach him... the more a woman loves and cares for this kind of man, the better the chances of driving him away. Intimacy is his enemy - it scares the hell out of him." [/endsidebar] So I guess my question at this point is: how do I shore up my self-esteem in the dating department? Is it a matter of repeating mantras? Just TELLING myself I deserve more? How do I prevent magical thinking from taking root the next time I meet someone I'm interested in?
roghornio Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 So I guess my question at this point is: how do I shore up my self-esteem in the dating department? Is it a matter of repeating mantras? Just TELLING myself I deserve more? How do I prevent magical thinking from taking root the next time I meet someone I'm interested in? Unfortunatly with love we don't have that choice! You can't help you love.
stlnsmile Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I heard this somewhere, you know when you are over it when you have nothing to do and instead of lamenting the fact that you have nothing to do, you order some great chinese food, and decide what you want to watch on T.V. and are happy with your alone time. If you think about this, it is so true.....what did you do before him when you were alone???? Did you curse the Universe because you were alone or did you get some good chinese and a great movie and love your food and movie. When you are okay with being alone, and when you know it is totally okay to be that way......then you have moved on for good. Then you are happy with yourself and the life you have made for yourself, and you don't need anyone to fill it up for you.......and then and only then..are you ready for love again. Get good and okay with yourself and your alone time, learn to cherish it......and add enough things to your life that interest you that you are actually grateful that you have alone time. Your life your world was too full of him and not full enough of you.....that probably was one of the problems:)
stlnsmile Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 And oh for the girls alone time is great for A body overhaul, full mani, pedi, facial, whatever, home facials etc if you don't feel like going out or can't afford it, you know what I mean....you probably have neglected a few things...take care of them:) A dream list or collage......cut out pictures from magazines of all the stuff you have ever dreamed of doing.....or make a list......then.....start working on that list. It will help you clarify who YOU are. What do YOU want??????????? Have you always wanted to play tennis......well go do it darn it:) See yourself in a new way, cherish yourself, and decide what you want to offer to the world. What do you want to give......not what do you want the world to give you. Just thoughts.
stlnsmile Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Unfortunatly with love we don't have that choice! You can't help you love. But you can have a very full life that you love that you are adding someone to, instead of letting someone take over, expecially with over romanticised idealistic dreams instead of realistic interpritations of ones SO. You should date someone based on who they are and how they fit into your world not the other way around. Guys seem to do this much more naturally than us Cindarella raised women.
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 sunshinegirl, you're almost at the stage where you're missing "a familiar" relationship v. missing the individual as much. I would take this as a positive, in that you're almost ready to go out and start casually dating.
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Stlnsmile, those are all great ideas. I appreciate them. This is the big mind**** of the situation: before Eric, I loved my life. It was full and rewarding and I was dating around a lot, and I didn't need him. At all. I don't think I "lost" myself entirely while we were dating: I was still independent and did stuff on my own. However, I emotionally lost myself - I stopped trusting my instincts and I let myself believe that what I was getting from him was fulfilling me...and I let that magical thinking thing take over. I don't mind my own company in general. I'm an introvert and I recharge better on my own than with others. I think last night I was mostly reacting to having TOO MUCH time alone. I need a balance and I've been missing my peeps. Good suggestions, though, about finding my way back to that good place where I love my own life and my own company. Thanks.
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 sunshinegirl, you're almost at the stage where you're missing "a familiar" relationship v. missing the individual as much. I would take this as a positive, in that you're almost ready to go out and start casually dating. Yay! It's funny you say that - I put three eHarmony guys on hold a few weeks ago because I was nowhere near ready. Last night I was very tempted to get back in touch with them. I think I will wait another week or two.
stlnsmile Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Stlnsmile, those are all great ideas. I appreciate them. This is the big mind**** of the situation: before Eric, I loved my life. It was full and rewarding and I was dating around a lot, and I didn't need him. At all. I don't think I "lost" myself entirely while we were dating: I was still independent and did stuff on my own. However, I emotionally lost myself - I stopped trusting my instincts and I let myself believe that what I was getting from him was fulfilling me...and I let that magical thinking thing take over. I don't mind my own company in general. I'm an introvert and I recharge better on my own than with others. I think last night I was mostly reacting to having TOO MUCH time alone. I need a balance and I've been missing my peeps. Good suggestions, though, about finding my way back to that good place where I love my own life and my own company. Thanks. I can tend to be quite a bit introverted too. But there are things that introverts can do, with out throwing themselves to the universe. You can paint, take up a craft that you like, plan trips that you feel comfortable with with your friends, cheep ones, like camping, you can learn to invest...I mean soooo many things soooo little time. Thats why I suggest the collage, because we have to know what we actually like before we can persue those things or do anything about them. Sometimes we think we know what we like, but we live life in over drive, and we don't really really think about it alot. This is a time to think about it. And you will have so much more of a full life and things to talk about with someone new, things that make you special. I actually had to do this collage at school for art class, it was requiered......but it helped me sooo much see me for who I am and who I wanted to be.......it was cool:)
miss_28 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 ssg, i'm actually really glad you posted this thread... i sometimes feel like i'm the only one feeling completely boring and old because i haven't really been seeking out my friends or going out much lately (my friends are also occupied in a similar way to yours). i've taken up knitting for god's sake(!)... as opposed to hitting the nightlife or doing something more fun... (i live in the heart of my vibrant little city - so its not like i have a good excuse). i've been kinda neutral about my time alone... not really sad, but not living an exciting life... i'm striving for numbness/apathy right now. i guess i'm just weary of getting stuck in a boring, lonely rut... but knowing that there are others like me who are going through it too... and it helps me be less hard on myself... thanks for being honest... its gutsy
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