reservoirdog1 Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Hi all. I'm breaking up with my live-in GF of 9 months. Long story short, we've fought a lot since moving in together (non-physical), and since January we've had several near-breakups. We've also seen relationship counsellors several times, both together and individually. She has two kids and so do I; hers are with us most of the time, mine are with us 2-3 days per week. I've become very unhappy in our situation, and feel trapped, isolated from my old community, my kids' lives where they live most of the time, and my friends. There's next to no room for "me" time. GF has periodic depression, mood swings and anxiety issues. Fundamentally, I feel that the relationship is not what I want, that I don't want my life to look like this, and that if the relationship were to have long-term prospects, we wouldn't be fighting as much as we have and wouldn't have needed to see counsellors so many times in just a few months. GF has just declared bankruptcy, which we knew was coming. When we moved in together she wasn't working, due to chronic health issues. She's recovered sufficiently that she's now working at about 75%, more in the future, and is eligible for several government benefits on top of that, and gets child support from the fathers of both her kids. She's looking for apartments in her old community, and I'm doing the same closer to mine. She won't be rolling in dough, but she'll be better off than she would have been if, say, she'd been living on her own during last fall when she wasn't able to work, or at the beginning of this year when her employment insurance ran out (instead, we were living together by then and I was paying for most things). I make a significantly higher income than her; however, while we've been together, with her not working much, life has been paycheque to paycheque, scraping the bottom of the barrel just before payday. I have debts left over from my marriage which I've not been able to pay down in 9 months, due to supporting her. She's emotionally devastated by the breakup, but she alternates between sadness, anger, and apparent stoicism and acceptance. When she's sad or angry, however, she'll say things like "you're abandoning us to go have fun and live in a nice place, thanks a lot". I don't have a legal obligation to her, given the length of our cohabitation. But, because I do care about her, and because I don't think I'm a total prick, I've said I'll help her out with her rent for awhile, six months or so. (Naturally, one of the things I've heard from her is, "well that's the least you should do.") The things she says when she's in angry mode aren't accurate, and some of them piss me off because they're a mischaracterization, aimed at painting me as completely selfish when I don't think I am. After all, I supported her for 9 months and made what would have been a desperate situation bearable until she could recover sufficiently to work. (That wasn't something I planned, but it's the way it's worked out.) But, I've figured that, for now, I just need to accept what she dishes out at me, accept it as a product of her being angry and sad, and not "fight back", point out why she's inaccurate or discounting the fact that I supported her, or generally make things worse. I figure I just need to roll with the punches for now and let her vent. It'll be a tough few weeks while we bring our cohabitation to a close, though. Does anybody have any thoughts on this? I don't like the things she's saying of course, but I can handle it. Should I be taking a "firmer" position, or just letting it slide, knowing that it's coming from a place of sadness and anger that is at its worst right now, and that it will end in a month or so? Obviously I don't have to put up with it at all once we've moved apart... I can just hang up the phone. Thanks everybody...
Lookingforward Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Can't say I'm all that surprised it has come to this point res - no advice apart from what I already posted on your other thread. Just regroup and make you and your kids your priority. All the best
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 She knows it's over and the hurt/anger is taking over. You're handling it well by not reacting into it and just staying calm..I commend your strength there, to just breathe and let it roll on by. Sorry this relationship didn't work out, seemed as much as you two loved eachother, it just wasn't enough - You two had trouble meshing your lives together, blending the kids into one family under one roof..It shouldn't have to be so hard (in the sense of emotionally draining and the up's/down's). You two gave it your best so don't feel bad or guilty. You're being generous in helping her with rent money - I hope she sees this in you.
Crestfallen_KH Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 res, I must say that you a remarkably mature and thoughtful. Many people, when faced with insults and anger restreat or respond in kind, and I commend you for doing what you can to try and make the transition as easy for her as possible. The thing is, with her emotional state, she's not going to be reasonable. The cycling between anger, sadness, and stoicism is also normal. So is her reaction. Her whole world is changing again...she's scared, nervous, and sad so I appreciate that you don't want to hurt her further. No matter what you do, though, you're going to be a bad guy in her eyes for now. While she may feel justified, her actions ARE wrong. Understandable, but wrong. I do have one piece of advice for you to consider: When she starts in on the insults or anger, don't even wait for her to finish. Just put up your hand and say "I understand that you are hurting, and while part of what you say may be true, I cannot allow you to treat me this way." Chances are, this may increase her anger even further, but do not allow her to escalate or drag you into a fight. Just walk away. This may be hard, and may be something you aren't ready to consider just yet. Just know that hurt people, hurt others. It's up to you to decide on what level you wish to engage her. Good luck.
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 This is a no-win situation. Is there somewhere you can go for the remaining few weeks?
Author reservoirdog1 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 You're being generous in helping her with rent money - I hope she sees this in you. Well, not at the moment she doesn't. She called me today at work very pissed off; apparently there's been some change at her job which means she might not have as many shifts. Not sure how that's going to pan out, but she was already pissed off when she started talking about it, and then launched into some of the things she sees as wrong with me by virtue of the fact that I don't want to continue the relationship. I interrupted her and told her that there's "a limit to how much of this I have to listen to". That ended the tirade. What followed from her next was her saying she wanted me out of the house (rented) ASAP, that she's going to stay there, and that I'll have to continue to pay for it (which I've been doing all along). During the weekend we separated our living spaces; I'm living in the basement, her and her kids upstairs. My response is going to be that I'll move out as soon as the landlords rent out the basement; though I make considerably more money than her, I can't afford to pay for the whole house, PLUS rent on my own place. I may need to do the short-term crash-on-somebody's-couch thing. She has no legal recourse, because we've only been living together for nine months. My willingness to help her out is due to what I see as a "moral" obligation. But things are fairly hellish at the moment. I'm so glad I'm going to be out of town next week.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 Nope, I was right... she doesn't see the generosity of me helping her. As per the email I just received, "everybody" she's spoken to has asked her if I'm doing what's right and continuing to support her. Strange that everybody I've spoken to has said I shouldn't, but there we are... But, what else could be expected from a "f***ing prick" like me, as she called me in the email...
Ladyjane14 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Nope, I was right... she doesn't see the generosity of me helping her. As per the email I just received, "everybody" she's spoken to has asked her if I'm doing what's right and continuing to support her. Strange that everybody I've spoken to has said I shouldn't, but there we are... But, what else could be expected from a "f***ing prick" like me, as she called me in the email... Well, if she's going to call you a prick either way... why are you busting your ass??? I think that's what I'd ask her in my return e-mail. Oh, and while you're at it... if you give her any money above and beyond what you owe, make her sign an IOU for it.
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