thrustrebel Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Greetings all, I am a 24yr old male. I have been dating a commitment phobe on and off for years now as is their pattern. I couldn't understand why everytime we would get REALLY good, she would go strange on me and either sabotage things by cheating for seemingly pointless reasons with people she didn't particularly like or turning in to a b***h suddenly and withdraw from me. We get on incredibly, and will both admit to one another that in every way possible we are amazing together. So it's been really frustrating trying to make things work. What's worse is all this door-matting has made me quite insecure so when she pulls away I want more attention from her which just makes things worse. The thing is, I've only just recently discovered she has commitment phobia. She loves being with me and hates the idea of us finishing, yet is petrified if ever the conversation move to the topic of our future. If we do split up she calls me daily telling me how much she's missing me until she eventually breaks down and I take her back. It feels good to have done so much reading on the topic (particularly on this site) because i no longer take this so personally like I had been doing. Before I thought she liked me but didn't think I was the one and was just waiting to replace me for something better. My question is, what do I do about it? I sent her an e-mail a couple of days ago telling her I wasn't happy with things as they are so I will split up with her unless she's really willing to change everything. But I don't know what to ask her to change! I don't even know if it can be changed? And of course, as a commitment phobe, asking her to talk about these things is actually making things worse. Ugh, I'm so confused. REALLY depressingly, these issues finally became truly apparent when I got a job in the city in which she works and lives and arranged to meet up with her after my interview. When your girlfriends face drops instead of cheers when you announce you just got offered a good job, that's alarm bells time! We'd been in a LDR since she got her job there about 3 months ago. Despite what you're thinking, I wouldn't consider myself a weak person. The term I prefer is optimist :-P Any thoughts would be massively appreciated, Thank you, TR
cjanee Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 Hey I am in the exact situation reversed. Commit phobia dude! I believe what you have here is co dependence not love. Love is about wanting what is best for the other person even if it means walking away because she knows she at this time in her life cannot give you what you want. She knows she doesn't want to be tied down but she doesn't want to be alone either. She is willing to use you rather than live in integrity and do the right thing which is let go and maybe even get some help with why she cannot be alone. Unfortunately co dependency doesn't go away until the person has done some work in this area. I can bet that she did not have a great relationship with her mother or father. My dude isn't going to change so I have decided that the only thing that I can change is me. I have told him that we will not be having any more casual sex - that he is to commit to me and step up to the plate. That he is prepared to have an adult relationship which requires risk/fear/honesty/trust and responsibility. If he can't do that then he is a little boy much like your little girl and its time to move on.... Don't give up on that ultimatum. Stay strong. If she loves you she will do what it takes to change things and she will come back on your terms instead of hers. C
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