So you want backto1's story? Here it is finally

[backto1]

Hey all,

 

It's kind of sad how much of this post focuses on one issue - going out and partying. Not sure if this is my skewed view of things or what...but here it is. Please comment, I'd love to learn from all of this.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

I met my ex about 4 1/2 years ago through mutual friends. We all liked to party a lot and get drunk together all the time. It was a lot of fun at first. (PS - I was 3 years older than her, which probably makes a big impact on the story.)

 

I'd always wondered about how she could get out of the house at 16 to go party and get drunk all the time but she was a nice girl and it didn't bother me. But after the 4 year mark, I was done with college, she was on a big scholarship, her partying ways started to wear thin on me.

 

But let's backtrack for a sec. When I turned 21 (at this point we'd been together and serious for about 2 years), I wanted to go out to the bars with my friends about once a week. She became very insecure and several times would come over to my house crying and worried about our relationship, and would worry that I'd find another girl while I was out there. It got kind of annoying because we didn't even go to clubs, we were just a group of guys having fun at laid back bars.

 

I tried to include her by going to house parties with her but it started to feel weird when I would run into my little brother's friends...I was kind of the old guy even though I was only 21. On top of that, I had to go to these parties with her friends and not any of my own. My friends didn't want to go because HER friends were very loud, immature, always fighting with other girls and hanging all over any guy who gave her attention. I didn't like her friends either but my ex was a great girl so I tried to hang with them anyways. At this point I started to notice my girlfriend often thought other girls were looking at her and talking sh*t, which might have been true. But several times she got into fistfights with these girls! Fighting at parties is stupid! Hell, one time a guy came to a party at my house and started talking sh*t to all of us in my own house. All I did was calmly ask him to leave. It took about 20 minutes of me playing the mediator between him and the girls before he left on his own. My girlfriend got mad at me for not kicking his ass! And to be fair to me, I eventually did kick his ass that night because he wouldn't leave the front yard and tried to throw a big glass bottle at a group of girls. But that wasn't good enough because I had let him get away with being loud and drunk and calling me a b*tch and the girls sluts. Yea that's pretty stupid but he was out of his mind drunk and I gave him the benefit of just leaving. This fighting thing was a major sore point for me. I've fought for years in martial arts, kickboxing, wrestling and MMA so it's not because I'm a pushover, I just don't think there are many good times to turn it physical, especially with someone who probably can't defend himself.

 

I really got sick of the house parties because it was usually with immature people, I didn't like going to these parties without any of my friends to help me out in case something stupid happened and I just got tired of the negativity her friends carried around.

 

After a while, they went through a frat party phase. I still didn't worry because my ex knew how to say NO and she was definitely 100% faithful. But it was a pretty big turnoff anyways. Eventually someone tried to drug her and I spent the whole night taking care of her. She was in a bad way, pushing me away, not recognizing me, saying she only wanted MYNAMEHERE and very sick.

 

Even after that they kept hitting up these house parties and frat parties. Then it became a serious turnoff. I stopped agreeing to go with her to these things because of all the crap it brought everyone. But the thing is, after this, I started going out with my friends instead of with hers...so it put her in the position of either sitting at home waiting for me (which wouldn't be fair for her) or she could go hang with her friends (I hate her friends). I just told her to go out with her friends and be safe.

 

This is kind of where we started to go distant and I stopped giving her the affection she wanted. She warned me many times that I wasn't giving her what she needed and that it would change her feelings for me. She was very upfront and patient with me.

 

I'll admit that I started questioning the relationship, I started wanting to go out and be single and my eye started wondering. I should have ended it right here. At this point in the story I'm 22 and she's 20. I felt bad for doing this and I tried to stay with her but I didn't do a whole lot to fix the affection situation. Eventually our sex started to have problems from my end. This made it even worse. We pretty much lived together at this point.

 

On the other hand, my displays of affection went from roses and dates to things like building a computer desk for her, fixing her car when it broke down, making room in the house and building a set of drawers to put her things in so she didn't have to live out of a bag being at my house all the time. But I definitely stopped doing the more romantic things like roses and surprise dates...I wish I would've put more effort in that department.

 

The lack of affection and regular sex made her feel terrible about herself. I should have ended it there like a man but I didn't.

 

Back to the party thing. Eventually we found common ground by going to clubs that let 18-21 year olds in. They could drink before the club, we could go together, I could drink in the club. Thing is, none of my friends would go with us because of her loud-mouthed, immature friends. This might sound like my friends are d-bags but I honestly can't blame them, her friends were bad to a point of me questioning her judgment. Additionally, the only clubs that were 18 to enter were nasty, full of kids and had about 4 murders and several stabbings in one year. So it was back to me hanging out with all of her friends at sh*thole dance clubs. Again, I questioned her judgment in patronizing these places.

 

Well..move forward a year or so and she finally turned 21. I thought great! now we don't have to worry about any of that! Wrong. By this point it was too late. She started going out to bars with her friends now. She and her friends went out to this one specific club every single weekend. Soon all the bouncers and bartenders knew them by sight. They got to skip the line every Saturday because they were hot regulars. I mean every single weekend she had to do this with her damned friends. It really turned me off seeing my g/f out with promiscuous friends who regularly took strangers home with them.

 

Mine always came home to me but I felt kind of embarrassed that she was associated with this image of slutty bar girls. Then when I went out with her I probably looked like the sucker hanging on to the barfly. (Me worrying about this "image" might show how shallow I can be). The worst thing my girl did was let guys buy her drinks. I used to not care because I've never been jealous at all...but with everything else, it started to bother me.

 

I didn't even want to go out any more...I was just kind of tired of getting trashed every single weekend. She still had it in her system. We lasted about 6 months after she turned 21.

 

The actual cause of the breakup was me not giving her affection and a regular sex life. Despite all of those problems and her dumbass friends, I could have saved this relationship with a great girl had I put in the effort to make her feel loved. Even though she picked nasty friends with no future, me and her were great together. She was going to college on a scholarship, beautiful girl and 100% faithful up to the very last second we were together.

 

To be fair to her, I was setting a double standard. I didn't want to stay home and watch movies with her every single weekend but yet I didn't like HER going out getting drunk all the time.

 

What's sad is that I focus so much on something as stupid as getting drunk but the breakup was over me not giving her love and affection.

 

She started seeing someone a month after we broke up. It's a black guy who wears ridiculous huge white t-shirts. I know there's absolutely no good reason for me to mention the guy's race, but it bothers me. I don't know maybe I'm not as open-minded as I like to tell msyelf. I guess I was such a square she wanted someone totally different.

[kizik]

I don't know what to say to you that you haven't stated here already. You recognize your faults in the R. You were basically a sh*tty boyfriend who is quite possibly an alcoholic. I suggest AA, and learning how to treat women better.

[backto1]

I'll agree with you on the sh*tty boyfriend part but I really didn't enjoy the party scene...it just wasn't me. I felt like I was trying to keep up. Since the breakup, I haven't gotten drunk once.

 

Edit - I did get drunk once about a week after the breakup. But still, I don't think that qualifies me for AA!

[kizik]

That's all good, there is certainly a difference in enjoying going out, and getting obliterated any chance you get.

 

Anyway, your thread seems to have been therapeutic to write, but you don't pose any specific questions. Anything you want help with?

[backto1]

I don't know really, I'm just appreciating any comments I can get.

 

I feel really guilty for falling out of love with her. I eventually fell back in love with her but it was too late. She'd already had enough of it and withdrawn emotionally. A lot of people have since told me now that they always wondered why I was with someone so into fighting and negativity..that made me feel a little better but she really was a great girl.

 

I was always respectful to her and bent over backwards for her in any way I could. I mean I took her out on big time shopping sprees out of town including dinners on top of buildings, carriage rides and beautiful hotels. But then when I wanted to go on a road trip with my friends, she wouldn't let me. I helped her with every paper she had in school, hell, I even helped her write the paper that played a small part in getting her that scholarship. I fixed her car several times, bought her a dog, helped her move in and out of her apartment, took her to her high school prom, took care of her several times when she got so drunk she couldn't walk and threw up everywhere, nursed her when she was sick, got food for her when she was running around between school and work, I tried going out and doing things with her friends so that we could at least share our social lives, drove across town to her work to take her to lunch, went on walks with her, showed her the sky when it was beautiful and when the sex got bad, I pleased her in ways that didn't benefit me if you know what I mean. I really feel like I gave it some sort of an effort....but the problem is I just stopped giving her the LOVE. So while I treated her pleasantly, I didn't give her the most important thing - the actual displays of love. I was giving in superficial ways but selfish in my love and attention...for the last year anyways. I was selfish for not breaking up with her when I should have.

[backto1]

But she also did great things for me... She always complimented me, she was faithful, always honest with me, sent me sweet texts, helped me cook dinner occasionally, bought me thoughtful presents on holidays, built thoughtful scrap books, surprised me with sexy lingerie on, always called, never flaked out on me.

 

We had it so great for so long but then it all just fell apart. I am so sad it didn't work out. Everything should have worked but we just grew so distant for no good reason at all.

[kizik]

Just don't be such a douche next time, and really appreciate watcha got, cause it don't come around every day.

[justaman99]

I don't think you were being a bad boyfriend at all. You stopped with the flowers and romantic stuff and sex because inside you were growing distant. Your lives didn't click anymore man. Your friends didn't like her friends. You didn't like her friends. Her life was morphing into more of the party scene while yours was moving to a more laid back one. After 4 years your lives just started taking different directions. You could have done the flowers and romance and all that stuff but that wasn't the problem in my opinion. The problem, if you want to call it that, is that you were going in different directions in your lives and what you enjoyed with your free time. She just turned 21 now she's free to explore the bar/club scene. That can break a relationship as well because now there's a whole new world out there.

 

There's so much more to a solid relationship especially after four years together. It takes more than love. You need to have common goals, you have to get along with her friends and your friends need to get along with hers. That's important as well. If she likes clubbing every weekend and you don't, that a difference in your lifestyle. Stack all these up and you'll find that you are just too different from each other right now.

 

-Just

[thekid55]

I kind of have a different outlook on this.

 

You both made a lot of compromises for each other. Even though her friends were immature and drama filled, she did choose them. I mean, you can't blame her. I'm sure that you would take your friends over her too, but it shouldn't have to come down to that.

 

I don't think you were a "douche bag" in this situation. I kind of had a similar situation. My ex and I had a relationship at college. Things were great until she got home. These parties at home pretty much ruined our relationship. She didn't want to give them up and when I tried to suggest to her that she should limit her exposure to them since she pretty much left these parties miserable, she called me "controlling". Even though I didn't want her to be upset at the end of the night, she viewed me as trying to control her actions.

 

All you can really do is, go out and date when you feel comfortable. If this guy is totally out of the norm for her, then I really wouldn't worry about it. Maybe it's a phase. But if you guys had something good, she will remember it.

[Peter_pan]

I don't think you were being a bad boyfriend at all. You stopped with the flowers and romantic stuff and sex because inside you were growing distant. Your lives didn't click anymore man. Your friends didn't like her friends. You didn't like her friends. Her life was morphing into more of the party scene while yours was moving to a more laid back one. After 4 years your lives just started taking different directions. You could have done the flowers and romance and all that stuff but that wasn't the problem in my opinion. The problem, if you want to call it that, is that you were going in different directions in your lives and what you enjoyed with your free time. She just turned 21 now she's free to explore the bar/club scene. That can break a relationship as well because now there's a whole new world out there.

 

There's so much more to a solid relationship especially after four years together. It takes more than love. You need to have common goals, you have to get along with her friends and your friends need to get along with hers. That's important as well. If she likes clubbing every weekend and you don't, that a difference in your lifestyle. Stack all these up and you'll find that you are just too different from each other right now.

 

-Just

 

 

couldnt put it better. dont think you were totally to blame. every single one of us (no pun intended) could have done better in the relation ship. you were young. people go down different paths. its called life.

 

the so called "bar" and "party" scene is what drove me and my ex apart to

[backto1]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I could have done many things better but it does help to unburden a little bit of the guilt at least. I'm back to going out once a week or so. Of course, any time I go out, my ex is ALWAYS at one of the places. Doesn't she ever sleep!??

[motive2002]

I hated this "around 21" phase of dating. It seems like some people have to get their partying thing out of their system before wanting something a little more serious.

 

I think the split between you two is a blessing in disguise. It seems like you weren't on the same wavelength, and if you couldn't stand the friends she hung out with, well that will seriously drive a wedge between you. If you ever got her back, it would be more of the same and it sounds like you weren't happy with her behavior.

 

So, as they say, you need some new blood. Think of new opportunities. Forget about her. She's only one girl out of millions. You're still young. Who knows what waits around the corner? You might meet someone that's waaay more a fit for you and you'll wonder what you were doing wasting your time with Ms, party girl and her obnoxious friends in the first place.

[backto1]

Bitterness warning:

 

Yea it's so f*cking stupid. I stuck with her when I turned 21 and had all my single friends bragging about how great it is being single and 21. Did I just give up and drop her like she did me??

 

No I put up with all the dumb sh*t she did to me and all the dumb sh*t she and her friends did and all the times she embarrassed me by starting fights with all of my non-single friends' girlfriends.

 

I learned about her job, I visited her job, I helped her do great at her job...and she never even gave a sh*t about what I did. All she knew was that it was something that I started from scratch on a computer that allowed me to stay home all day, watch the dogs, buy all kinds of expensive bullsh*t for her and always be there whenever she was on a break between work or school and needed food or company. And any time I tried showing her what I did, who got bored and ignored me!?!? Who always cooked her f*cking supper and had it ready when she got off work at 9 PM because he had the time and didn't believe in working for the man and actually did something about it instead of complain all the time????

 

Who was always so happy to go out and get drunk when I went out with my friends but then freaked out and cried whenever I went out and her friends were busy??? Even though I NEVER had a problem staying home if she wanted to go out and I didn't. Who bought all the alcohol, pizzas, mixers and let all kinds of random people come over and f*ck up the apartment so that we could do the "21 thing" together?!?

 

Did she wonder who always packed her lunches in the morning and left notes on the napkins?? ---But also didn't smother her, always let her do her thing, and never even came close to getting jealous, controlling or possessive, AND did all that great stuff while still acting like a man and not a doormate niceguy whimp.

 

Who always complimented her when she felt bad for gaining 40 pounds in a year?????? And who bought all those healthy groceries, cooked healthy and took his ass to the gym with her?!

 

Or wonder who got her long term tanning and nail memberships along with a huge bouquet of flowers out of the f*cking blue, for absolutely no reason whatsoever?

 

Did she wonder why the f*ck I always went out alone with her friends even though she refused to go with me if her friends weren't there?

 

Did she wonder who paid for every single last f*cking date? Did she wonder why she didn't pay to see a single movie, whether at home or at the theater, for four whole years??? Now that I think about it, who paid for damn near every single meal she ate over the last 4 years??

 

Did she wonder who got her remote start on her car so that she would always have a warm car in the mornings and not have to scrape her windows? Did she wonder why I scraped my windows every morning and froze my ass to class every morning?

 

Gee I wonder who it was that always came back inside and unplugged her stupid f*cking hair straightener when it was burning hot on the counter when we were both about to be gone for 8 hours.

 

Or even better, who cleaned up her disgusting f*cking friends' used pregnancy tests that they left on my bathroom counter? Or who cleaned up after her slutbag best friend's boyfriend tried killing himself on my bathroom floor?? Who held her hair, got her water, got her food, held her warm when she got out of control drunk and sick!!!

 

Does she even realize how easily I could have kept both of the dogs that I paid for, that I saved when they got really sick but gave to her to keep forever..does she even give a sh*t how much I miss my dogs?? You can bet your ass she doesn't.

 

Or who turned down so many other educated, emotionally stable girls while he was with her? Or who was it that danced with you all those times in the clubs even though he hated dry-humping and grinding in public??

 

And what did she do in return??? She tried to pressure me into marriage even though we were both starting school, then pressured me to move in with her, and then slowly moved in anyways until I gave in! She broke up with me in February and came back to me when her fatass new-boy stood her up!!

 

AND AFTER ALL THAT IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE I DIDN'T "SURPRISE" YOU OFTEN ENOUGH?? WELL WTF DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN IN THE BEDROOM...IT'S HARD TO F*CK YOU WHEN ALL YOU CAN SMELL IS THE ROTTEN STENCH OF BULLSH*T

 

 

And also - just curious - since when did you start texting like that? I don't like hearing from you AT ALL but when you need something, could you please speak a little English instead of numbers and abbreviations that aren't even shorter than the words you're abbreviating? What made your entire texting vocabulary do a 100% change in only a week? That's actually quite impressive.

 

Who was it that worked from home and had to learn how to be alone and actually experience a grieving process the healthy way after we broke up? Who DIDN'T jump into a relationship with some dirtbag looking, oversized t-shirt wearing, mono-color wardrobe'd piece of sh*t?

 

 

And what did I ask for? Just a little more maturity and a little less negativity.

 

=====0-

 

That's me flipping you off. Have a nice life. I hate you and I hate the last 4 and a half years I wasted on you. At least I still have another 50 years to spend with someone worth my time and love. I take back all the blame I put on myself in the OP. I DESPISE YOU.

 

 

End of bitter rant.

 

Now THAT was therapeutic.

[Habibti]

This was the greatest post I've ever read. Basically, because I know EXACTLY how you felt. I'm female but basically I played your role in the relationship, well in most senses. Reading this post was just damn awesome because I know someone knows exactly how I feel.

 

 

Ku-dos. And where are you from?

[backto1]

Habiti, I read your story and it sounds like a tough one too. I really feel for ya and your reply is much appreciated.

 

As angry as I was when I vented, I still feel guilt for withdrawing from her emotionally...It really sucks because I'm so mad at her AND myself. Arghh..

 

Don't really want to put my exact location in public but you can PM if you want. Not sure what it would hurt but....I'm in the U.S. though. You U.S. also?

[backto1]

Here's a little comedy:

 

Ever since my ex left me, everything has started working again. What the hell am I talking about? Well...everything!

 

I just got a great career that will bring in a large income and extremely flexible hours after a few years. I was REALLY stressing about finding a career.

 

The watch she got me hasn't worked for a year. She knew this but never really worried about it. I had it worked on once but it only kept time for a few hours before stopping. I know this because I still wore it sometimes lol. Well all of a sudden, out of nowhere, it started working again! It's kept perfect track of the time for nearly a month now without any outside help.

 

My car alarm was dying and I had to get really close to the car to make it beep. Now it works from halfway down the street! lol!

 

Ha!

[pinkrazr]

ya know what.

it sounds like you had some stupid bad moments of the drunk speak.

(i just had this last night with my BF. i just posted it.)

but now it sounds like you moved on from the same old bull****.

she needs some growing up to do.

really.

shes still big into the scene, you took care of her and helped her out.

and a month after the split, shes with a totaly different type of person.

a month?

ouch!

 

chalk it up to good times when you had them.

but booze, constant parties and relationships sometimes dont make for a real true match.

 

I hope all turns out well in the end for you.

you seem to have a good head on your shoulders now, and a place to go in life.

take advantage of it

[backto1]

Pink I just read your drunk speak post...great times, isn't it!

 

I did that one time, and one time only, with my ex after we'd been together for a few months and I felt like a complete asshat. If he's a pretty decent guy (and he probably is if you've stuck together so long) he'll feel the same way and not let it happen again.

 

Thanks for the kind words also. It helps to read positive things!

[pinkrazr]

why thank you!!! for the positive kind words.

my boyfriend really is a fantastic person. but those words just cut so deep.

it was devastating!

I've just never heard such a hurtful thing from him ever!

I'm hoping he feels for what he said.

 

I'm just in limbo now. I'm debating splitting. honestly because that was such a deep cut. and a personal shot to the max.

 

but i'm going to take some downtime. and really cool off before I make any decision. I dont know if i'll hear from him. I'm sure I will sometime. I assume he needs the downtime too.

ugh.

FEELINGS!!! *shakes fist* DAMN YOU FEELINGS!!!

[backto1]

lol yes feelings are a fickle crowd....sometimes they'll make you feel great for years straight and then suddenly they'll turn on you and want your heart on a pike for no good reason at all.

 

Downtime is a good idea as long as you don't turn it into punishment or a lack of communication. A clear head is definitely a good idea. You don't want to stay with someone in a bad relationship but also don't forget that the idea of a breakup is never even close to the reality of a real-deal, forever breakup.

 

 

EDIT - this is kind of turning into a "Backto1's emotional dumping ground thread" If you're all sick of me bumping this thread let me know and I'll give it a rest.

 

I just wanted to add that the partying stuff can also blind you. I've been doing some thinking, especially about the part where she didn't know what I did for a living, and realized we didn't have deep conversations. We'd watch movies, play with the dogs, cook together and have sex but we stopped having intimate conversations. Yea, after 4 years we pretty much knew everything there was to know but shouldn't we have still had the occasional deep conversation about our relationship, the meaning of life, politics or even freakin aliens...anything!?

[Habibti]

Habiti, I read your story and it sounds like a tough one too. I really feel for ya and your reply is much appreciated.

 

As angry as I was when I vented, I still feel guilt for withdrawing from her emotionally...It really sucks because I'm so mad at her AND myself. Arghh..

 

Don't really want to put my exact location in public but you can PM if you want. Not sure what it would hurt but....I'm in the U.S. though. You U.S. also?

 

Oh goodness!

 

I'm sorry. DUH to me. I'm in the U.S also. I'll shoot you a PM. Silly me.

[pinkrazr]

no real conversation in 4 years?

 

wow!. thats just.... what on earth have you guys even talked about at all!

sounds like a made for tv movie romance.

 

you gotta have some real conversation to really understand eachother.

[backto1]

Well not in 4 years...but definitely in the last couple of years.

[Chinook]

It sounds to me like you're making progress m'dear

 

Along the way there will be ups and downs. But that therapeutic post up there made me smile. That's what it takes, that's the turning point. It will take time yet... but you will heal. I can almost see it already.

[pinkrazr]

I like chinook's outlook on things