replicator Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 For those who were dumped or cheated on, do you forgive? Do you let them know you want to forgive them? I believe that forgiveness is about you, and not the other person - it shows that you're not the victim, and moving on. At the same time, it's hard to do.. Makes you feel weak, and compromising. As hurt as I am. She thinks I will always hate her, but as angry and disappointed I am. She was my first true love, and I can't allow myself to think that all my years with her were a waste. I want to forgive her.
sunshinegirl Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I have found forgiveness to be something that can't be forced. It *is* for yourself, not for them. In your own time, you may well get to the point of forgiving her. I have forgiven, to a degree, two of my exes for their particular heinousness to me. But I've never communicated it to them. And, actually, I prefer to think of it as "letting go" more so than forgiveness because I have come to see forgiveness as something that is transactional and requires both parties: (1) the offender offers an apology and an acknowledgment of the pain they have caused; then (2) the offended offers forgiveness. I can't see one offering forgiveness without the explicit acknowledgment of wrongdoing on the part of the offender. BUT healing, for me, has come with those two exes by letting the emotional intensity of the injury go, no longer holding them 'responsible' for the pain they caused me, and no longer allowing that injury to affect my life.
Author replicator Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 I wish she would ask for forgiveness, but she says she accepts that I will never forgive her, because she knows she hurt me so much. I know her own guilt isn't allowing her to ask for it. I must be crazy. I still care so much about her feelings.
sunshinegirl Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I wish she would ask for forgiveness, but she says she accepts that I will never forgive her, because she knows she hurt me so much. I know her own guilt isn't allowing her to ask for it. I must be crazy. I still care so much about her feelings. I really wouldn't "enable" her by offering forgiveness without requiring her to face up to what she did. That's what the apology/forgiveness transaction is about: the offender first of all recognizing the wrong that they perpetuated on someone; and then THEM seeking forgiveness. (If you're religious at all, think about Christianity: God/Jesus offers forgiveness, but the sinner has to ASK for forgiveness - recognize their sin/wrong - before it's granted.) Now, privately? For yourself? Yeah, sure, work your way toward forgiveness. So that YOU can move on. So that YOU can become indifferent toward her.
HelloHello Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I like this quote "Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt." The sooner that you let go man and forgive her the better you will feel. Accept things for the way they are and then shift focus on making yourself the best man that you can possible be. I know exactly how you feel. My fiance of 3 1/2 yrs cheated on me. It took me along time to accept it and forgive her but it was a weight lifted. I finally realized why she cheated on me. At some point I stopped demonstrating value in the relationship. Basically, I got too comfortable and stopped being an exciting person. How long ago was it that you got cheated on?
D-Lish Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I was able to forgive my ex husband for getting another woman pregnant- and we've continued that friendly relationship to this day. I just couldn't allow myself to hate someone I had shared close to a decade of my life with. Hate and bitterness can eat you up inside.
Author replicator Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 I really wouldn't "enable" her by offering forgiveness without requiring her to face up to what she did. That's what the apology/forgiveness transaction is about: the offender first of all recognizing the wrong that they perpetuated on someone; and then THEM seeking forgiveness. (If you're religious at all, think about Christianity: God/Jesus offers forgiveness, but the sinner has to ASK for forgiveness - recognize their sin/wrong - before it's granted.) Now, privately? For yourself? Yeah, sure, work your way toward forgiveness. So that YOU can move on. So that YOU can become indifferent toward her. You're right. I haven't completely forgiven her. I want to, and I will. But not yet. I guess I don't want her to think that I'm sitting here throwing darts at a picture of her. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.
miss_28 Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 For those who were dumped or cheated on, do you forgive? Do you let them know you want to forgive them? I believe that forgiveness is about you, and not the other person - it shows that you're not the victim, and moving on. At the same time, it's hard to do.. Makes you feel weak, and compromising. As hurt as I am. She thinks I will always hate her, but as angry and disappointed I am. She was my first true love, and I can't allow myself to think that all my years with her were a waste. I want to forgive her. I try to forgive... i really do... but i try harder to forget... Maybe i should be stronger and forgive as soon as possible, but for me it takes a hell of a long time before i forgive... and i only forgive people who truly want my forgiveness to begin with. I know I know... childish... but that's how i am - forgive me.
miss_28 Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 wow... i used the word forgive 5 times in that run on sentence... a new record...
HelloHello Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Man, I know how you are feeling but you have to move on with your life. I know that last sentence is one that you do not want to hear at all! Its painful to lose someone that we love. Often times they are the only thing that we can think about. Now you must seriously focus on improving yourself. I have written a 35 page ebook on this called "The Enlightend Alpha." If you would like it I can give you a link. I am curious if you want to forgive her and get back together with her?
Author replicator Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Man, I know how you are feeling but you have to move on with your life. I know that last sentence is one that you do not want to hear at all! Its painful to lose someone that we love. Often times they are the only thing that we can think about. Now you must seriously focus on improving yourself. I have written a 35 page ebook on this called "The Enlightend Alpha." If you would like it I can give you a link. I am curious if you want to forgive her and get back together with her? She left me after a decade together, a few months back. I recently found out she went into a relationship almost immediately. Basically I was replaced, I don't see her coming back to me. I won't even hope for it, especially after I found out. I have strong feelings for her still, as you can tell.
sunshinegirl Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I really wouldn't try to focus on "getting to forgiveness" right now. You're still in pretty acute pain. I'd really spend time getting through the grief phases. When you come out the other side, stronger, more centered, balanced, with better perspective, you can take up the question of forgiving her. You have no obligation to do anything on her timeframe. That you are more concerned about relieving her anxiety than dealing with your own pain in your own way is telling. (In the relationship, did you find yourself acquiescing to her and otherwise tending to her needs more so than your own?)
Author replicator Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 I really wouldn't try to focus on "getting to forgiveness" right now. You're still in pretty acute pain. I'd really spend time getting through the grief phases. When you come out the other side, stronger, more centered, balanced, with better perspective, you can take up the question of forgiving her. You have no obligation to do anything on her timeframe. That you are more concerned about relieving her anxiety than dealing with your own pain in your own way is telling. (In the relationship, did you find yourself acquiescing to her and otherwise tending to her needs more so than your own?) It wasn't always that way, but yeah, in the past few years I catered to her needs. I was always there for her, and put her needs above mine. Basically, making her happy made me feel happy. I made her the center of my life, along with all my hopes and dreams. That is why I am so devastated by this.
sunshinegirl Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 It wasn't always that way, but yeah, in the past few years I catered to her needs. I was always there for her, and put her needs above mine. Basically, making her happy made me feel happy. I made her the center of my life, along with all my hopes and dreams. That is why I am so devastated by this. ...and it's why, even after the breakup, you are still wanting to make her happy and whole. Hey, look, I'm struggling too, to focus on myself instead of my ex. But in time you really do need to start taking care of yourself and paying attention to your own needs - not hers. Forget the forgiveness angle for now, because you're thinking of doing it as a way to help HER, not you.
Author replicator Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 ...and it's why, even after the breakup, you are still wanting to make her happy and whole. Hey, look, I'm struggling too, to focus on myself instead of my ex. But in time you really do need to start taking care of yourself and paying attention to your own needs - not hers. Forget the forgiveness angle for now, because you're thinking of doing it as a way to help HER, not you. You're right. I do it even without thinking about it. I don't know how I got so lost in her, and how I became so weak. As you said, I need to focus on myself for once.
kizik Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Well, let's see here, hmmm... for me to forgive R***** for her terrible and consistent verbal abuse, I would first have to receive an apology. No apology, no forgiveness. And for those of you who say forgiveness is for YOU - I'm quite happy thinking this woman is a bad person. It doesn't keep me from being happy around good people.
ioncebelieved Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I am not there yet. Nowhere even close!!! In time when things are back to normal and I over the hurt, pain, betrayal, the cowardness, the lies, and anything else I can think of... Then maybe I will consider forgiving and wishing her happiness. I do not wish any ill will towards her, just do not wish her to be happy because she had that choice with me and I would have been good as gold to her and she knew that then and knows that now!!! I gave so much of myself and I was GREAT TO HER!!! God is going to sit this one out! When God decides to allow another SPECIAL person into my life then I will Forgive and wish all the best to the bitch!! That may sound bad, but I am still very, very bitter and in due time I will heal.
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 For those who were dumped or cheated on, do you forgive? Do you let them know you want to forgive them? You forgive when you're ready to. Forgiving too early is counter-productive to your ability to move forward, since anger is a powerful tool to block softer emotions. Forgiving too late can embitter the soul. As to your second question, it depends. The best part of this is that it's totally your choice to tell them or not. Have a little fun with it!
tealeafbud Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 For those who were dumped or cheated on, do you forgive? Do you let them know you want to forgive them? I believe that forgiveness is about you, and not the other person - it shows that you're not the victim, and moving on. At the same time, it's hard to do.. Makes you feel weak, and compromising. As hurt as I am. She thinks I will always hate her, but as angry and disappointed I am. She was my first true love, and I can't allow myself to think that all my years with her were a waste. I want to forgive her. My ex has forgiven me. She's told me this, and I believe her. Although, there have been a few times that she's called me crying hysterically. "why why why?" i think it was basically because her new SO wasn't treating her as expected. Anyhoo, I definitely don't feel she is weak or compromising by forgiving me. It shows me that she's strong. She's probably in a rebound relationship, but that's her choice. On another note, have I forgiven myself? I don't know. I'm not sure I have completely. I still feel somewhat guilty for what I did, and wonder if I'll ever forgive myself for the chitty thing I did. Perhaps it's part of my problem. I think communicating with her for the past 3-4 weeks hasn't helped either. But chit has changed. I have a feeling we're no longer going to communicate (I know it's been said a thousand times), but it's for the best.
roghornio Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I think the best thing to do is get on with your life and make positive changes to your life as a result of what happened – Hold no grudges and be the better person, even if it means pretending show it doesn’t bother you at all… You will come across a s a grounded individual and it possibly might drive them mad wondering why your not phased. Lifes to short to hold anger to other people, and all it does is eat you up inside when they get away with nothing… you are the only person entertaining the hurt and feelings so why bother.
ianandris Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 The thing a lot of people don't realize about forgiveness is that, more than just about anything, it's liberating for the person who does forgiving. Without forgiveness, you're held hostage to the emotions your ex elicits in you. If you want to move on, and I define moving on as getting to that point of sincere, complete indifference toward the other person, you MUST forgive. Otherwise, you'll harbor that hurt and it will color every other relationship you find yourself in. If you don't forgive, you become bitter. I'd rather heal than be mired in a negative emotional state for an indeterminate amount of time. Does your ex need to know that you've forgiven her? No. She lost the right to know anything about the inner workings of her heart when she left you. If she comes groveling back, clearly affected by the fact that she wronged you, if she comes seeking her forgiveness, give it to her frankly. Chances are it won't happen, though. But you need to forgive for yourself, not her. Forgiveness isn't about her, it's about you.
serendip Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 The ex left a voicemail(I didn't answer) and asked for forgiveness(she cheated) on Christmas eve. I just want to ask you for forgiveness for everything that I did to hurt you and just wanted to say that I forgive you for everything you did to hurt me. I just want there to be a sense of peace between us so that I no longer have all this anger inside of me towards you and I hope you feel the same way. I hope that you have a nice holiday. Alright. goodbye. I never replied...b/c I thought it would be fake of me to give it to her. I wasn't ready to forgive her at the time...also 2 weeks ago she had called me a liar, conartist and sick man for nothing I did. When I didn't reply...she text me on christmas saying I was special to her. I have forgiven her but I haven't told her. She contacted me recently and I'm just ignoring her...I don't think she fully understands the pain she caused by cheating.
Ronni_W Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I agree with you that forgiveness is about the Self, not the other because in my experience, "withholding forgiveness" (if that is even possible other than as an idea) is often seen/used as a way to maintain some power-control over our pain or humiliation or whatever. But really, other humans don't have the power to "absolve" us. We just each have the power to do that for ourselves. I don't think genuine forgiveness is a sign of weakness or inappropriate compromise, though. If it feels like that, then there is some important element that is missing, I think -- though I haven't explored what that element might be. I wish she would ask for forgiveness, but ... I know her own guilt isn't allowing her to ask for it. The other thing that could be at play is that, once we find SELF-forgiveness (make peace with our own Higher Power), we no longer feel a need to ask for "forgiveness" from our human counterpart(s). Wishing you the best.
sunshinegirl Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 The other thing that could be at play is that, once we find SELF-forgiveness (make peace with our own Higher Power), we no longer feel a need to ask for "forgiveness" from our human counterpart(s). Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but I would have thought exactly the opposite: that someone who finds self-forgiveness is then both able and, if possible, sees the value and responsibility in conveying their sorrow to the person they wronged. Perhaps the difference is then in the purpose: instead of seeking forgiveness from the person they wronged in order to absolve their own guilt, they are instead seeking to express their sorrow for hurting that person.
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