Fun2BMe Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 My (new) therapist is on vacation for the month so I feel lost without her guidance. My ex has been contacting me lately and last we spoke, he wanted to get together after I returned from my trip so any day now he will be calling again. Is it a good idea to meet with someone who broke my heart in the past and was later not there for me when I was going through a hard time? Will I regret it or should I be mature and meet with him to show him the stronger me who is no longer in love with him?
Nemo Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Sounds like a booty call. In many ways, I think you answered this question yourself. Curiosity killed the cat, but I believe that humans don't fall for that sort of crap. Anyway, just be careful. Like you say, you are stronger. You can handle it, but the question is - will such a meeting be a positive? You have nothing to prove to nobody.
Author Fun2BMe Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 No, it is definitely not a booty call and I wouldn't even want to kiss him though I have to admit I do have some feelings. I can't ever be in an intimate relationship with him, at least 85% no. Now that I've been seeing a new therapist who has been very helpful, I feel like showing him how I have moved on and maybe we can even be good friends from now on. But I like how you say I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I think because my friendship with my gf has just ended, on top of my therapist being away, I have a void and he has contacted me in time to fill it (but not in a physical way). Maybe it will be a good thing but I am just scared a little bit.
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 My (new) therapist is on vacation for the month so I feel lost without her guidance Congrats on the NEW female T FUN! Woo Hoo! Keep posting here and talk about stuff while she's away..Whatever you do, do NOT go back to see your ex. He's your ex for a reason, he hurt you badly...So, afew minutes of fun isn't worth the pain you'll feel afterwards. I hope you don't see him.
Author Fun2BMe Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 Congrats on the NEW female T FUN! Woo Hoo! Keep posting here and talk about stuff while she's away..Whatever you do, do NOT go back to see your ex. He's your ex for a reason, he hurt you badly...So, afew minutes of fun isn't worth the pain you'll feel afterwards. I hope you don't see him. Thanks for the support! This is a stupid question, but how can I say no to seeing him without being rude? I mean he wants to see me and I can't just say "no" without an explanation... I feel mad that my therapist just takes off for a month without leaving a number to reach her at which is what I'm used to from my last therapist. She just leaves me hanging like this with a contact to a different therapist if I need to see one but it's a male and I don't want to get into all my issues from scratch with another T so I feel so neglected by her.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Thanks for the support! This is a stupid question, but how can I say no to seeing him without being rude? I mean he wants to see me and I can't just say "no" without an explanation... You're welcome! It isn't a stupid question - But it is a good one..Just worded wrong. Remember, this guy hurt you and he IS your EX. You do NOT owe him any explanation. Just tell him that you don't feel comfortable seeing him in person. It isn't rude to tell someone no. Especially an ex! You count, remember that. YOU come first, he doesn't. He isn't a part of your life anymore so you DO NOT OWE him anything, let alone a long explanation. If his feelings are hurt, so what? That's his problem, not yours. Again, he isn't in your life so please try your best to not worry about hurting his feelings. He's a grown man.
justaman99 Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 You can't be friends with an ex. At some point one of you will want to pursue it more. Most likely but not always true but time is the key. I am good friends with 2 exs. One is married to a good buddy of mine from high school and the other is dating a pretty cool guy. I help her with relationship advice, we talk and have an occasional dinner every now and then even with her dude. It doesn't bother me one bit. It's possible just after a long period of time in my opinion. -Just
HelloHello Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Past actions are good predictors of the futures. Do you think that he has changed?
TrustInYourself Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I find it alarming that you have to talk to your therapist to make a decision about your life.
TrustInYourself Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 You sound like my EX. Listen you silly female. Do what you want to do. Why are you asking other people for advise? Make up your mind women. Whats so hard? Either you want to see him or you don't. It sounds like you want to see him but looking for a reason to NOT see him. God gave you a brain, use it and make a decision Women love advice and affirmation. Talking about it, makes them feel better. Men are different. We enjoy solving problems on our own and take pride in it. Hooah manly men. I read enough books about male/female communication that I should be slapped in the face.
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Externalizing a problem, provides you with multiple options, thus providing you with a check and balance for emotional turmoil. Internalizing a problem makes the focus very narrow. It's kind of arrogant, if you think about it, in making the assumption that your way is the only/best way. Btw, I'm a woman but am extremely solutions-oriented. It doesn't stop me from seeking external input to process. Fun, if you really need an excuse to push off your ex, just tell him that your therapist advises no contact. I wouldn't recommend using an excuse though.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Men are different. We enjoy solving problems on our own and take pride in it. Hooah manly men. Uhh, how many men post on LS and ask questions about women and what they should do? LS is a forum for people who want advice and help. Please don't bash FUN because she's asking what to do...You may not know her history, so instead of trying to make her feel bad asking for help on this, maybe go back and read some of her past threads then maybe you'll understand why she's asking this question about her ex.
TrustInYourself Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Externalizing a problem, provides you with multiple options, thus providing you with a check and balance for emotional turmoil. Internalizing a problem makes the focus very narrow. It's kind of arrogant, if you think about it, in making the assumption that your way is the only/best way. Btw, I'm a woman but am extremely solutions-oriented. It doesn't stop me from seeking external input to process. Fun, if you really need an excuse to push off your ex, just tell him that your therapist advises no contact. I wouldn't recommend using an excuse though. I understand why you consider it valuable and have tried to provide insight and understanding to others why she is externalizing/asking for advice. I'd appreciate the same understanding from you, before you throw around words like arrogance or make assumptions that I don't personally externalize my problems or issues. I'm not degrading her for asking for advice. I do find it pathetic that she needs to speak to her therapist to come to any sort of conclusion in her own life. Perhaps she should address her serious codependence and indecision, before she considers hooking up with any ex.
TrustInYourself Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Uhh, how many men post on LS and ask questions about women and what they should do? LS is a forum for people who want advice and help. Please don't bash FUN because she's asking what to do...You may not know her history, so instead of trying to make her feel bad asking for help on this, maybe go back and read some of her past threads then maybe you'll understand why she's asking this question about her ex. Ok, I'll read her history, but that's not going to change my opinion that you should always make decisions based on your own thoughts and feelings, rather than have them validated by others. What makes your advice better than mine, or Johnsons? Thanks.
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I understand why you consider it valuable and have tried to provide insight and understanding to others why she is externalizing/asking for advice. I'd appreciate the same understanding from you, before you throw around words like arrogance or make assumptions that I don't personally externalize my problems or issues. I'm not degrading her for asking for advice. I do find it pathetic that she needs to speak to her therapist to come to any sort of conclusion in her own life. Perhaps she should address her serious codependence and indecision, before she considers hooking up with any ex. You need to read some of Fun's back threads before passing judgements about what her issues are. If someone is relying on a therapist this heavily, there's usually good reason for it. This is what I would appreciate from you.
TrustInYourself Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I read her posts. They read like cheap romance novels. She needs to grow up. How the hell can you be attracted to your neighbor, your therapist, and two ex boyfriends at once? That's seriously sad and I hope she gets all the help she is looking for.
Author Fun2BMe Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Past actions are good predictors of the futures. Do you think that he has changed? I don't know if he has, but I know I have and I think I might be able to be more assertive and not put up with BS as I did before. Also he has had 2 close family members die this year so I feel bad for him too and my anger towards him has been going away over time.
Author Fun2BMe Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 I find it alarming that you have to talk to your therapist to make a decision about your life. Well that's what a therapist is for. I don't invest all the time and money to not follow her advice and instead do whatever I want. Obviously my life has improved because of her guidance but I am mad at her for abandoning me for a whole month while she's on vacation with no contact. That's not what I signed up for.
Author Fun2BMe Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Fun, if you really need an excuse to push off your ex, just tell him that your therapist advises no contact. I wouldn't recommend using an excuse though. That's what I was originally planning on telling him but my sister said it would make me look like a weakling to blame it on my therapist. Deep down I also do want to see him, but I feel like I can't without my therapist here to guide me, to tell me what to tell him and so on. I am so mad that she's gone for so long, like she suddenly doesn't care about me after pouring my heart to her for the past few months. How does her conscious allow her to just go on a vacation knowing she has patients who rely on her????????????? I keep getting tempted to leave a message that I'm no longer going to be her patient but then the next day I am relieved I didn't. But I have to really tell her how wrong and destructive her system is.
Author Fun2BMe Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 I'm not degrading her for asking for advice. I do find it pathetic that she needs to speak to her therapist to come to any sort of conclusion in her own life. Perhaps she should address her serious codependence and indecision, before she considers hooking up with any ex. Actually I've made a lot of bad decisions in the past, so it took a lot of insight to realize it is more productive for me, at least until I learn more skills of dealing with problems, to rely on someone who has much more experience and insight than I do in my cloudiness, with my judgement fogged up with my feelings as make my life miserable. It's easy to say I know what I'm doing and continue making mistakes. It takes a lot more maturity and insight to realize I have been wrong and need a professional to assist me with my decisions, at least at this time. She has changed my life for the better in so many ways. She teaches graduate level clinical psychology at one of the biggest universities and I am one of a handful of her patients. Her insights make my jaw drop and I can see all the mistakes I have made and am so ready to repeat, but she always steers me into the right direction - "always" being since March, so it's not like in a couple of months I am suddenly co-dependent, but I would say I am paying a lot of money to learn about my behavior and how to make better choices. I guess you see this as a crutch and weakness but I feel confident enough to voice that I disagree with you on this one. That's great you don't need help and advice, but I'm not at your level.
TrustInYourself Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Actually I've made a lot of bad decisions in the past, so it took a lot of insight to realize it is more productive for me, at least until I learn more skills of dealing with problems, to rely on someone who has much more experience and insight than I do in my cloudiness, with my judgement fogged up with my feelings as make my life miserable. It's easy to say I know what I'm doing and continue making mistakes. It takes a lot more maturity and insight to realize I have been wrong and need a professional to assist me with my decisions, at least at this time. She has changed my life for the better in so many ways. She teaches graduate level clinical psychology at one of the biggest universities and I am one of a handful of her patients. Her insights make my jaw drop and I can see all the mistakes I have made and am so ready to repeat, but she always steers me into the right direction - "always" being since March, so it's not like in a couple of months I am suddenly co-dependent, but I would say I am paying a lot of money to learn about my behavior and how to make better choices. I guess you see this as a crutch and weakness but I feel confident enough to voice that I disagree with you on this one. That's great you don't need help and advice, but I'm not at your level. I'm happy to hear you are working on yourself. I'm sorry if I came across as blunt or non-supportive. I wish you the best and hope you find your happiness!
undertaker79 Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Dont worry about being rude! Just say no...it sounds like you really want to see him though....But if you have let it go...let it go!! http://iwantmyloveback.com
Ssheena Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Ok.. Trust.. Fun is more than likely in a place where you have never been. I seriously doubt she would be going in to her therapist and going Oh, what should I do? I can't figure this out on my own.. but more likely going in and going I feel like this and then the therapist helps her come to her own decision on her own. I can see in her postings that she is starting to put herself first (finally and BRAVO FUN!) and I can understand her dilemma here. Fun, how about if you just say that right now isn't a good time for you and that you will be in touch with him at a later date. That's not outright saying NO but it is taking all the power away from him. You decide when and if you want to see him and it's on your terms not his. I would say to put off seeing him. Get stronger. Fill any void you may be experiencing with getting to know this really great woman I know. She posts on here and has come a long way.. you might know her.. goes by Fun2beme.. Put yourself first!
daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I doubt you'd do this, and I'm not even sure it's healthy, but when I don't want to see an ex (or I know it's not good for me) I just don't answer the phone. No explanation necessary. Problem solved!
Touche Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I don't know if he has, but I know I have and I think I might be able to be more assertive and not put up with BS as I did before. Also he has had 2 close family members die this year so I feel bad for him too and my anger towards him has been going away over time. That wasn't a very assertive statement. You think you might be able to be assertive. No. You're not ready now to see your ex. Do it and you'll go back to square one. Or two. Read Johan's threads on that. I told him the same thing. BIG mistake.
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