Broken and to Blame Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I have been married 17 years and have 3 children. In Oct.07 I got involved in a business venture with a man I used to work with - 10 years ago. We have stayed in touch over the years and he has always been flirtatious and flattering. I always shrugged it off as it was just his style. In June 2007 we did a trade show for a few days out of town. He essentially owned the business so he was covering the costs. He was there 2 days prior to my arriving and had a suite, which the first night we got to late and he was going to go stay with a friend (we were in NYC so a place is expensive) in NJ. Since the place was so big and like an apartment I told him he could stay - it really didn't make since to travel out of the city and back again. Over the 3 days we were flirtatious and the 2nd night he had kissed me - and that was it. It never went any further. So our flirtatiousness was innappropriate and definately crossed the line. At the time I really got caught up in all the attention. Although no excuse - It felt good to have someone really seem to appreciate you. Unfortunately, I did not have the clarity to see my friend had an agenda of his own. When I got home, I was very excited to connect wih my husband - now I understand it was sexual tension created in NY. This made my husband very suspicious and distant. I got frustrated and upset with his attitude and engaged in discussions with my friend on the phone and IM's. I was confused with our recent behavior, his intentions and my own feelings of conflict between wanting that feeling that I had in NY with my husband - again more clear now than when I was in the midst. About 5 days have lapsed since I first went to NY and my husband put an IM catcher on the computer, discovering a thread of IM's that I had with my friend. They were flirtatious and suggestive - reading it not knowing the context he believed we had a full blown affair, sex and all - which is so far from the truth. My biggest mistake was not coming clean at the start, I had convinced myself nothing happenned so he telling him about the kiss, flirtations and shared room would only hurt him more. Honestly, I wouldn't want to know if it was rerversed. Although he really believed we had slept together so he wanted me to take a lie detector test. It all came out at that time and it was worse that way. I don't know why I let things happen this way and get so out of control. So I know had a mistake compounded by lies. I broke off all contact business and personal with my friend immediately. So even after a year, the 5 days of this emotional affair has ruined my marriage. My husband can not get past the images of the kiss and holds on to the print out of the IM's. He wants an explanation for every word and action - and I just don't know how to give him what he wants when I don't remember play by play or even what I thinking at the time. It is only through reflection that I can make some conclusions as to what I believe I was thinking and feeling. He believes I am purposely keeping him in the dark. About every 6 weeks we have a major blow up that brings everything up again - And as much as I want my marriage and family, I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't believe there is anything else to say, moreover I don't know what it would accomplish at this point. I am emotionally drained and don't know if I can or want to fight this fight anymore. I know I am to blame, I honestly believe he will never be able to get over this. He does not believe in divorce and I think that his motives are due to that vs. his desire to be with me. He is a good man, father and he deserves to be happy - I just don't think he can get that with me and so we struggle with where to go from here.
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 You haven't mentioned trying counselling. Have you tried that yet? He sounds very hurt and still angry over what he found. He seems to have been upset that you came back "horny" after what he found while you were away, it was probably offensive to him. Try counselling. He doesn't believe you. You are getting tired of his distrust. Counselling with a good therapist will help - if you both open up honestly while there.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 What is it you want? What is it you want from him? What is it you want from yourself? What is it you want from your marriage? What are you willing to do to achieve these things? DNR
LakesideDream Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I must agree with NoIdidnt. Try counselors. Your husband does not sound like someone who will be able to get over the problem you created without the help of a third party. Remember, the feeling of being betrayed is a powerful emotion. You betrayed him.
imagine Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Mmmm lets see... Flirty interaction, unchaperoned company and a kiss. Returning home, your husband sees a change in behaviour. I suspect that you felt guilty about the events and definitely did not want your husband to find out. Your husband finds the flirty communications and you have tried to cover up any details. Take a look from your husbands perspective. Seventeen years, three kids, how much is true? Trust is shattered, where is my baseline? Is she just hanging around until something better pops up? What is real each time she talks to me? This cannot be just smoothed over. Your husband needs to know that you "get it". You need to feel his insecurities and paranoia. He needs to see action that shows recognition. Check in with him, tell him where you are going. Give him passwords, cell phone accessand even GPS location. Take him to have yourself polygraphed. Hide nothing. Tell him when you think someone else looks sexy. In short, affair-proof your marriage by implementing a policy of absolute honesty. Use this event to bolster your marriage. Maybe you want to check out the marriage builders website for greater detail. God bless you.
theobserver Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Look you crossed the line a year ago, you tried to hide it (keep this in mind) and after some pushing and snooping your husband got somewhat blurred vision of the truth. You say you feel emotionally drained in other words you're just sort of giving up and tired of the same arguments over the same topic well you know what when he found out you turned his world upside down, you ripped out his heart and took away his trust. To you just a kiss might not of been a big deal but to him I guarantee you it was everything. I am an extremely faithful man I don't even eye another woman the wrong way that kiss might aswell had been an 8hr best sex of your life session to your husband you betrayed him. Now I'm not meaning to be harsh, you've seen the error of your mistakes, the other man has been cut off completely for the creep he is. You might feel you've done everything to show him this wont happen again but what have you done to regain his trust, it's just barely been a year since the incident trust me others on here have been through what you have it can take a few years to regain that trust. What have you done to regain his trust? Go back to dating mode start going to dinner spend quality time together in public places as a couple find the time you need to reconnect. He may never get rid of those printouts it's a reminder of the worse day in his life and yours accept it but don't expect things to be fixed so soon. If you don't want to give up, but you just can't take the hurt "that you caused" that's making him use this as a weapon against you in arguments then tell him that. Tell him it's pushing you away and immediately suggest counselling you both need it and he definently needs to talk to someone else about this with an unbias view. After this if you feel things just can't work then set him free if he wont himself.
bish Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I have been married 17 years and have 3 children. In Oct.07 I got involved in a business venture with a man I used to work with - 10 years ago. We have stayed in touch over the years and he has always been flirtatious and flattering. I always shrugged it off as it was just his style. In June 2007 we did a trade show for a few days out of town. He essentially owned the business so he was covering the costs. He was there 2 days prior to my arriving and had a suite, which the first night we got to late and he was going to go stay with a friend (we were in NYC so a place is expensive) in NJ. Since the place was so big and like an apartment I told him he could stay - it really didn't make since to travel out of the city and back again. Over the 3 days we were flirtatious and the 2nd night he had kissed me - and that was it. It never went any further. So our flirtatiousness was innappropriate and definately crossed the line. At the time I really got caught up in all the attention. Although no excuse - It felt good to have someone really seem to appreciate you. The bolded part pretty much negates all the "it didn't go any further than...." talk. When I got home, I was very excited to connect wih my husband - now I understand it was sexual tension created in NY. This made my husband very suspicious and distant. I got frustrated and upset with his attitude and engaged in discussions with my friend on the phone and IM's. Let me get this straight. You kissed another man, enjoyed his flirtations, you DID cross the line with this guy...you're husband picked up on this and was justifiably put off by your odd behavior when you get home. So instead of realizing his reaction was YOUR fault since you were messing around with this guy, instead of trying to repair the damage you caused, you get mad at him for his reaction to what YOU did? He was justifiably suspicious so instead of repairing that damage you purposely start engaging in more contact with this OM. About 5 days have lapsed since I first went to NY and my husband put an IM catcher on the computer, discovering a thread of IM's that I had with my friend. They were flirtatious and suggestive - reading it not knowing the context he believed we had a full blown affair, sex and all - which is so far from the truth. Doesn't matter. You are emotionally cheating on him which is bad enough. My biggest mistake was not coming clean at the start, I had convinced myself nothing happenned so he telling him about the kiss, flirtations and shared room would only hurt him more. Why were you sharing a room with another man? That is inappropriate in itself whether anything went on or not. And now that you admit that you shared a room, I highly doubt one kiss is all that happened. So even after a year, the 5 days of this emotional affair has ruined my marriage. My husband can not get past the images of the kiss and holds on to the print out of the IM's. He wants an explanation for every word and action - and I just don't know how to give him what he wants when I don't remember play by play or even what I thinking at the time. This doesn't make sense. You say you can't remember every play by play. Well you said you just kissed. What so hard to remember about that? This also leads me to believe there is more to this story. Thats like not being able to remember play by play a 5 second basketball game. About every 6 weeks we have a major blow up that brings everything up again - And as much as I want my marriage and family, I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't believe there is anything else to say, moreover I don't know what it would accomplish at this point. I didn't give my wife even a year. But I hear if someone is going to let the animosity subside, it takes years. You broke the trust and that is damn hard to get back, if not impossible. I am emotionally drained and don't know if I can or want to fight this fight anymore. I know I am to blame, I honestly believe he will never be able to get over this. Sorry to say, you are probably correct. He does not believe in divorce and I think that his motives are due to that vs. his desire to be with me. He is a good man, father and he deserves to be happy - I just don't think he can get that with me and so we struggle with where to go from here. You may have to make the move for him and file for divorce.
Angel1111 Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I don't have any advice. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's so hard to see your way through it because it grips you so hard. You're in my thoughts. Hugs.
imagine Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Possibly dating you hubby would be a little premature. I think that dealing with the "elephant in the room" would be first priority. He needs to know that he is dealing with the real article. NEVER trivialize the incident. I cannot agree with anyone who says to divorce. Clearly both of you are moved by the circumstances. Were your husband to have shown indifference, for example, that would have been another matter. I sympathize with your becoming tired. You need to regroup. Possibly a church group support will help. Joining a gym can also help relieve stress. Ideally, of course, you need to be in loving communication with your husband. Chatting here will have to be a poor substitute until your relationship[ improves. We feel for you and your husband. Our thoughts are with you!
taylor Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Hi Broken, I took great interest in your post because my husband and I are also in the midst of recovering from a 7 month EA that I had with a coworker. Let me say first, it is not time to throw in the towel yet. You and your husband can get through this. But it will take three things: renewed committment to each other, hard work (esp. communication), and time (lots of it). We are 4.5 months into recovery. A lot has happened since then. We both got into IC and MC. You should, too. It will help more than you think. We also participated in a faith-based marriage recovery program called Retrovaille for troubled marriages on the brink of divorce. This program helped us renew our committment and open the floodgates of communication. It also made us realize we are not alone. Many couples face the same or similar challenges in their marriages. Your marriage is "stuck" right now because your husband has not been able to make the decision yet to TRUST you again. This is a major topic in the Retrovaille program, by the way. TRUST is one of the four main issues that can prevent marriages from recovering. It is vital that it be addressed. It will take a long time for you to earn his trust again. There are no guarantees he will be able to, but there are things you can do to try to earn it. Your husband, like mine, is battling some major insecurities. Understandably so. He needs constant reassurance that you love him and only him. He needs you to SHOW him you love him by what you DO. He may reject your attempts out of anger. Do not let that discourage you. You need to be persistent. It's the little loving gestures that will make the most difference...physical affection, expressions of appreciation, thoughtful considerations. You also need to be 100 percent honest with him regarding the past and present. You must bare your soul to him. Honesty can be brutal. It can hurt you and him. He may hate what you have to say. He may walk out of the room or punch a wall. But after he processes it, he will be back. This process of exposing yourself for who you really are and exposing your marriage for what it really is is essential to the recovery of your marriage. NOTHING can be glossed over. Lay it all out on the table for both of you to see. This will start the process of rebuilding trust. Do not tell him you can't remember the details of the affair. He doesn't believe you. Frankly, it's hard for me to believe it either. Affairs are like "first love." You don't forget ANYTHING about it. You need to tell him everything. Answer every question with as much detail as possible, regardless of how hurtful or embarrassing it may be. My husband wanted to know the details of conversations I had with the OM, word for word. It helped him to understand the affair for what it was and what it wasn't. He wanted to know all the emotions involved, from beginning to end. He continues to ask how I feel about the OM. I don't hold anything back. He wants the truth. He is entitled to it. You say your affair was emotional. No. It wasn't. You kissed the man. That makes it physical. When my husband first learned of my EA, the FIRST question he asked me was, "Did you kiss him?" A kiss can make all the difference. It's that important. Do not underestimate its significance. That kiss, along with the provocative IM's, has dealt a huge blow to your husband's sexual identity and confidence. You have made him feel like less of a man. You need to make him feel like a man again. Building esteem, like building trust, takes a long time. It's a process. I agree with the poster who said it's not quite time to start dating your husband again. If you and your husband are emotionally drained and consumed with bad feelings, dating will not be effective at this time. Hold hands, hug, kiss...perhaps take a quiet walk...but first and foremost, START COMMUNICATING. That is the key to getting rid of the bad feelings. Once the bad feelings start to subside, then start doing some "fun" things together..increase the activity level slowly. The pace will pick up as you both begin to feel more comfortable with each other again and better about yourselves. Before you know it, you will catch yourselves laughing. It will be a great feeling and you will know you are on your way. Committment, Communication, Time. Hang in there. You can do this.
imagine Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I think Taylor nailed this one. Try keep all communication positive and up building. Encourage your husband to do likewise. Show that you need him. God Bless you!
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