JackJack Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Have you told you husband he needs to be seen by a doctor? Maybe you could ask him in a nice way to maybe get checked out by a medical doctor and see about his possible "low blood" sugar? Does he even know you feel he might suffer from that? I'm not sure WHY he wouldn't seek some medical help if that was even thought of that could be a contributing factor to him acting the way he does. Its not like you're asking him to go have his head examined by a shrink, its just getting checked out for something that could be serious. Does he not care enough about his health to at least get checked out? Or is that simply to much for him to get checked out by a medical doctor?
Mz. Pixie Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Your Ex husband makes tw- aah forget it! And why was this necessary?
Author danis Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Jack, yes I had the talk with my H on the weekend. Asked him to get checked out by the doctor & told him I wasn't happy....etc Actually, I think maybe this time he really listened he seems to be acting a little different. I'm hoping it's because he realizes that I was very serious and how umhappy I am. I quess we will see. It's going to hard to hide my sadness & depression from the loss of the OM. This is going to be bad isn't it?
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Yup...and its going to get worse while you're trying to recover from the loss of OM. Unless your H is totally detached...you can bet he's going to be working to figure things out.
Author danis Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 I'll have to keep telling myself this one. Thanks WWIU.
Author danis Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Well Owl...if it gets that bad. I will tell my H. I just want to get past the NC first.
bish Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Jack, yes I had the talk with my H on the weekend. Asked him to get checked out by the doctor & told him I wasn't happy....etc Actually, I think maybe this time he really listened he seems to be acting a little different. I'm hoping it's because he realizes that I was very serious and how umhappy I am. I quess we will see. It's going to hard to hide my sadness & depression from the loss of the OM. This is going to be bad isn't it? Ok, so lets say your H does as you wish and is working on his problem. What are YOU going to do to fix things with regards to YOUR decision to cheat?
Mz. Pixie Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Ok, so lets say your H does as you wish and is working on his problem. What are YOU going to do to fix things with regards to YOUR decision to cheat? Bish is right. You're doing some justifying that you need to address. Cheating was your choice, he did not force you to do so by his actions. He holds ownership in the fact that your marriage was vulnerable to an affair, but no more.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 He holds ownership in the fact that your marriage was vulnerable to an affair, but no more. I'd go further and say he's only responsible for HALF the marital vulnerability. In all but the rarest cases, a man can't walk on you like a rug, unless you first agree to lie down.
Mz. Pixie Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I'd go further and say he's only responsible for HALF the marital vulnerability. In all but the rarest cases, a man can't walk on you like a rug, unless you first agree to lie down. You're right. I should have said that. I meant it that way but it didn't come out that way.
Darth Vader Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 And why was this necessary? Why wasn't it? I was making a point to the poster of the Thread. Anyway, at least she's started the process of ending this thing.
Author danis Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Bish, what exactly do you mean? What am I going to do to make sure I don't do that again?
Darth Vader Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Bish, what exactly do you mean? What am I going to do to make sure I don't do that again? Perhaps he means something like IC or MC, to get to the root cause as to why you were looking at cheating in the first place.
Author danis Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Day two NC, & I really don't feel anything at all. I don't have the urge to call him...nothing. I did think about alot but I'm not missing him or dying to speak to him. Hmmm, I'm very sursprised, any other day I would be beside myself If he didn't call.
Author danis Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Oh, ok I was thinking more along the lines of IC as I'm sure there is more to my problem than just my H. I am going to look into this.
Author danis Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 This is a little off the topic but how do you put up the quote box on the top b4 your post. I tried it and it didn't look the same?
Darth Vader Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Oh, ok I was thinking more along the lines of IC as I'm sure there is more to my problem than just my H. I am going to look into this. Eventually you will have to go to MC, that means informing your husband of everything that you told us here. This is a little off the topic but how do you put up the quote box on the top b4 your post. I tried it and it didn't look the same? Oh, that? You hit the quote button, you don't delete the words that are already posting in the typing box. I always hit enter twice to give it a little room, that way it looks nicer! Watch the cursor.
Darth Vader Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Bish may also like to add to that, I may have said it all, but, I hope I didn't steal his posting.
bish Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Bish, what exactly do you mean? What am I going to do to make sure I don't do that again? No, what are YOU going to do to make it up to him? What are you going to do to PROVE to him it won't happen again?
bish Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Oh, ok I was thinking more along the lines of IC as I'm sure there is more to my problem than just my H. I am going to look into this. You say that as if this is all your husband's fault and you can't readily see your role in why YOU strayed. And its this attitude that will allow you to cheat again if you don't have any consequences to your actions. Your husband deserves to know what you did to him.
Author danis Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 You say that as if this is all your husband's fault and you can't readily see your role in why YOU strayed. And its this attitude that will allow you to cheat again if you don't have any consequences to your actions. Your husband deserves to know what you did to him. Bish, I'm considering that one, I'm just not totally convinced that, that will help our marriage...I think it will do more damage than anything.
bish Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Bish, I'm considering that one, I'm just not totally convinced that, that will help our marriage...I think it will do more damage than anything. And if you think that, that is fine. But the problem is your attitude. You don't seem worried about fixing things. You seem to think that its your husband's fault. You are focusing on what you can do to make sure it never happens again. And that is fine also. But you are not focusing on making it up to your H. You are just concerned about being able to not cheat again so you can take the easy way out by continuing to lie to him and keep this secret from him.
troubadour Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Bish and others who advice Denis to tell her husband about her EA...? Why do you tell her to do it if you all know very well that taking this step could pernamently end her marriage? At this point she has more than enough problems to deal with and you advice her to add another one... expecially a problem of this magnitude. According to her posts her husband has not been offering her too much emotional support lately so you think that it would change if she decide to tell him that she has a thing for the old dude...? I am sorry but there is no logic in this kind of reasoning at all. There is absolutely no way that it would help in any way. I have to admit that at this point I seriously question the motives of some individuals offering their advice here. I really do. Her marriage is in a trouble waters but it is not an agony yet. If she tells her husband about her EA the situation will get worse, much worse... maybe it will be the end for them. Are you completely sure you are not looking for some personal satisfaction if this is the case? After all she has cheated and she deserves that... right? DENISE, DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT YOUR EA! Bish, you are implying that Denise is trying to take an easy road out of this situation. My question is what she would have to do to satisfy you. You are not thinking about wearing the scarlet letter by her, are you? Personally I think that she is doing great. But clearly it is not good enough for you. She does not suffer enough, right? You are talking about her not making it up enough to her husband. Has it ever crossed your mind that her husband may have a lot to make up to her too. I would say that she has a lot of reasons to be angry with him. Of course, this is just my opinion. Bish, I do not know your story but somehow I am under impression that you may have been "wronged" by your OS in the past. Do you think that you may be still bitter about this?
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Trabadour...the reasons are several. First...her husband deserves to know the truth of what's gone on IN HIS MARRIAGE...so that he can decide FOR HIMSELF, WITH ALL THE FACTS, whether or not he wants to continue the marriage based off this information. The choice to continue the marriage or not does NOT belong SOLELY to her. Second...a marriage cannot be built or rebuild around a LIE. Even a lie by OMISSION. If it is, it creates a foundation that allows for those lies to continue...even escalate. If she's always holding this truth back, then their communication will NEVER be complete...there will always be a hole in that communication... Third...she'll end up feeling guilty about the whole thing. It'll eat at her...it'll wear her down...and...she'll probably never FULLY recommit to the marriage while that is eating at her. It makes the marriage hurt, when it should be a comfort. Fourth...it leaves the opportunity for her to continue or resume the affair at some point. If her H knows, he can be part of the SOLUTION...right now, any solution she makes is going to be half-hearted at best, with no accountability built in to prevent her from lapsing back into the affair. If her H knows, he can help her to keep that from happening. I can go on and on...but at the end of the day, I have some very solid REASONS why I suggest the truth...not just my opinion. Yes, it places her marriage at risk. But...SHE DID THAT WHEN SHE HAD THE AFFAIR...its a consequence of her actions...not a consequence of her choice to finally be honest with her husband. Its already happened...she's just avoiding the consequences by not telling. See the difference?
bish Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Bish and others who advice Denis to tell her husband about her EA...? Why do you tell her to do it if you all know very well that taking this step could pernamently end her marriage? Because he deserves to know. She should have thought about the safety of her marriage and kept from messing around with another man. And if she gets away with it, she can easily cheat again. She needs a wake up call and won't get one until the truth comes out. But the #1 reason again, her husband deserves to know the truth. A marriage is built on trust and the truth. She hasn't a clue about either one. Also, I was in a position where my xW took the same route danis did....she was too chicken to tell me. So what happened? I found out years later and I resent the hell out of her keeping it from me. Those are years of my life I'll never get back. The H deserves to decide if he wants to spend those years looking for someone else, or to spend them with her. At this point she has more than enough problems to deal with and you advice her to add another one... expecially a problem of this magnitude. Thats her problem. She should have thought about all of this before boning another man. According to her posts her husband has not been offering her too much emotional support lately so you think that it would change if she decide to tell him that she has a thing for the old dude...? First off, the lack of emotional support is no excuse to cheat. Second, it still is regardless what telling him will change. It is the right thing to do and by keeping this information from him it is denying him the freedom to make informed decisions about his life. Most importanly, again, she is simply taking the easy way out and will suffer no consequences for her actions. Hence, if she gets away with it once, she can get away with it again. I am sorry but there is no logic in this kind of reasoning at all. There absolutely is. I was in her husbands shoes and years of my life were stolen from me as a result of someone that cheated and lied and was too much of a coward to tell me. There is absolutely no way that it would help in any way. It doesn't really have anything to do with "helping"...it has everything to do with doing "the right thing" and doing right by someone you wronged. but nobody is accusing her of wanting to do the right thing here. I have to admit that at this point I seriously question the motives of some individuals offering their advice here. I really do. Her marriage is in a trouble waters but it is not an agony yet. If she tells her husband about her EA the situation will get worse, much worse... maybe it will be the end for them. And maybe it should be. Are you completely sure you are not looking for some personal satisfaction if this is the case? After all she has cheated and she deserves that... right? Again, it has to do with the fact that I was in her husband's shoes and part of my life was robbed from me by your, and her, line of thinking. You seem to want her to have a free pass and for her husband to unknowingly play a fool and be kept in the dark. She is robbing him of his choice to decide what he wants to do with his life. DENISE, DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT YOUR EA! Denise? has she ever said her name? Danis is all I saw. Yes "denise", take the cowards way out and rob your husband of his life decisions. Do not tell him. Be selfish and take the easy way out. That way you won't have any consequences to your actions and you can continue to be selfish in the future knowing you can get away with it. Bish, you are implying that Denise is trying to take an easy road out of this situation. Yup My question is what she would have to do to satisfy you. Come clean...but then again, its not about satisfying me, its about doing right by her husband. She did him wrong by cheating and she is continuing to do him wrong by keeping it a secret. You are not thinking about wearing the scarlet letter by her, are you? Personally I think that she is doing great. Then you obviously haven't been in her husbands shoes and never had this happen to you only to find out years later. And don't think he'll never find out. But clearly it is not good enough for you. She does not suffer enough, right? Has nothing to do with her suffering....facing consequences yes, suffering no. It has to do with doing right by her husband. She wasn't willing enough to do right by him to keep her legs crossed to another man, and now she isn't willing to do right by him and give him a choice. That being the case, she obviously doesn't respect him, so why the hell does she even want to be with him? You are talking about her not making it up enough to her husband. Has it ever crossed your mind that her husband may have a lot to make up to her too. Sure, and if you would have read what I posted earlier, you'd see that I proposed the question that if he makes changes and is willing to work on himself, then what is she willing to do? So far she is willing to do nothing and puts the burden on him. I would say that she has a lot of reasons to be angry with him. Of course, this is just my opinion. Translation: he deserved to be cheated on and kept in the dark. Bish, I do not know your story but somehow I am under impression that you may have been "wronged" by your OS in the past. Do you think that you may be still bitter about this? Not bitter about my past situation at all. Do I resent my xW for the lost years I'll never get back while she hid her little secret from he? absolutely. And that is what she is doing to him. but it really doesn't matter does it? She won't tell him. She is selfish and will do whatever makes things easier for her....to hell with his life.
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