jon01 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Danis - the one thing I haven't really heard about is how you are treating your husband. Most of the times there are 2 sides to a story. You've already told us about how horrible and mentally abusive he is, but are there any behaviors or things about YOU that you need to fix? Is there something you keep doing or a way you act that you think might provoke him? Unless the guy is certifiably crazy, I don't think you got to this point in the marriage being a 100% perfect wife. Not trying to pin any blame on you, but I found it a little surprising that there isn't much talk about your faults and what you could improve on. Is there a reason related to anything you are doing which might contribute to your husband's attitude having escalated to the point it's at now?
Ladyjane14 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I thought you knew, LJ...I don't wear shoes. They don't fit well with my prehensile toes! You're not only a man of wisdom, but apparently one of unusual hidden talents, Owl. ----------------------------------------------------- As far as Danis and her husband go... she's been with this guy for 20 years. That seems an awful lot of time to spend with someone if he has no redeeming qualities. Certainly, there must've been something there at some point. Better to get past the muddled-up feelings caused by the affair addiction, and THEN assess. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was Pompeii. But unless someone decides to do something to change the situation, I think her marriage is headed down the same path.
blair08 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 So has your husband gone to the doctor about getting checked for low blood sugar to see if thats whats causing him to treat you the way he does?
Author danis Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Ok, so yesterday I wasn't home the entire day & evening due to family stuff with my sister and in the evening I had to take the boys out of town. When I finally did get home he complained that the house wasn't clean. Sooo I took that opportunity to talk to him and tell him that I wasn't happy with the way he was treating me lately and that it has been going on way too long. I asked him what he thought his problem might be, either he doesn't like me anymore, or he has a medical issue or maybe we need some councelling or something. He laughed thought it was ridiculus. He just thinks everything is hunky dorey. I told him it wasn't & that we are going to be in big trouble if we don't do anything to change it. I told him I'm not going to put up with his moods. Nothing sinks in, he just said that he was upset because the house wasn't cleaned up & I was home all day. I said ya, well that's today, tomorrow you will have something else nasty to say about me.
jon01 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Ok, so yesterday I wasn't home the entire day & evening due to family stuff with my sister and in the evening I had to take the boys out of town. When I finally did get home he complained that the house wasn't clean. Sooo I took that opportunity to talk to him and tell him that I wasn't happy with the way he was treating me lately and that it has been going on way too long. I asked him what he thought his problem might be, either he doesn't like me anymore, or he has a medical issue or maybe we need some councelling or something. He laughed thought it was ridiculus. He just thinks everything is hunky dorey. I told him it wasn't & that we are going to be in big trouble if we don't do anything to change it. I told him I'm not going to put up with his moods. Nothing sinks in, he just said that he was upset because the house wasn't cleaned up & I was home all day. I said ya, well that's today, tomorrow you will have something else nasty to say about me. Well just because he told you the house wasn't clean, he didn't do anything wrong. If you were home all day and didn't clean the house, a husband or wife can ask the question to their spouse.
blair08 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 "When I finally did get home he complained the house wasn't clean". (but yet you were gone all day long) "He laughed and thought it was ridiculas." (After you comminucated to him how you felt.) "I said tomorow you'll have something else nasty to say about me." This is why I still say its not really the low blood sugar thing. Sure it could be part of it, BUT if so, he needs to get to the doctor which I doubt he will. Let the doc rule that out or say, that is what his problem is. Its either that, or he is just flat out being an a$$. I think its the last thing, but JMO.
blair08 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Well just because he told you the house wasn't clean, he didn't do anything wrong. If you were home all day and didn't clean the house, a husband or wife can ask the question to their spouse. She just said she wasn't home all day long due to family stuff, and didn't get home until the evening. How can she clean if shes not there?
jon01 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 She just said she wasn't home all day long due to family stuff, and didn't get home until the evening. How can she clean if shes not there? Oh sorry.. I missed that. I thought she was home. Anyway, just because he asked why she didn't clean the house (even if she wasn't home) isn't a crime.
blair08 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Oh sorry.. I missed that. I thought she was home. Anyway, just because he asked why she didn't clean the house (even if she wasn't home) isn't a crime. You're right, its not a crime. However, put the house cleaning aside. she communicated to him how she felt, and he blew her off, laughed and told her it was ridiculas. That should tell her something right there. I do think he knows there are issues going on, he just doesn't seem to want to deal with them. Danis, I think you really need to make a decison about what you want to do. Do you want to stay married to somone who feels there is no problems reguardless of what you say, who laughs things off and tells you its ridculas?
Ladyjane14 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 If you were to tell your husband about your involvement with this OM... I think that might effectively take the giggles out of him. Conversely, if you're determined to keep him in the dark... pushing him hard and fast might lead him to uncovering more than you want him to know. It's unfortunate, but alot of guys just don't seem to 'get it' until they find their bags on the front porch. You put his there right now though, and I guarantee... he's going to be asking more question than you really want to answer. Your call.
JackJack Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I think one reason your husband is acting the way he is, maybe he doesn't truly know how much he has to lose. He needs to be made aware of that. It could straighten him up as far as the way he treats you. Maybe then he will see how serious you are. I think his behavior wont change until he realizes whats going on and how serious these issues might be. If after he is aware of everything and the seriousness of it, he still laughs it off, then its time to cut your loses from him.
Author danis Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Also I talked to the OM today and told him that we need to have NC. In order for me to get my head straight I need to do this. His reaction was I don't think it needs to be that drastic maybe we can cut back some but not entirely., I said no it has to NC whatsoever. He said " I gotta go now, We'll talk about it later and brushed me off" I'm falling for it on both sides.
JackJack Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Also I talked to the OM today and told him that we need to have NC. In order for me to get my head straight I need to do this. His reaction was I don't think it needs to be that drastic maybe we can cut back some but not entirely., I said no it has to NC whatsoever. He said " I gotta go now, We'll talk about it later and brushed me off" I'm falling for it on both sides. Your OM brushes you off, he doesn't take you seriously and your husband laughs things off and doesn't take you seriously. Seems like maybe you're not asserting youself enough. You need to put your foot down on things and be heard. How many times have you told your husband or the OM you were going to do this or that, and you didn't follow through with it? They think you're blowing in the wind. Only YOU can change that.
imagine Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Danis my dear woman... You are doing what 100% of woman do when speaking to your husband and OM namely Womanspeak. We poor men are slow and ignorant creatures and therefor need to have things spelled out for us. What you meant to say to your husband was: "I'm having improper feelings for the guy next door and I need your help to overcome these during this awkward time. The feller next door was meant to hear: "I have notified my husband of our inappropriate interactions and there will henceforth be no further contact". These interchanges make a heap of sense to our ears and we tend to take a lot more notice. Good luck with the translations.
Author danis Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Jon..to answer your question how do I treat my H? Well from day one, I've always spoiled him, showered him with affection, lavished hime with expensive presents, could never do enough for him. Now it's a little different, I've come to look at him in a different light and when he goes on his little moody nasty rampages, I get my back up, I get defensive. Especially when it comes to my kids...I've seen what he can do to them and on numerous occasions have had to come to my children's defense when he was yelling and nagging at them so bad they were crying. He resents that and says that I never back him up, I always take the children's side. We'll I'm sorry, I know what he is doing to me and I don't want him doing that to my kids. So yes I will always defend the children and take there side when I am watching him do this. So yes he does have a problem with me in that respect and he says I'm always negative.
bish Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Also I talked to the OM today and told him that we need to have NC. You think we are stupid? You were already suppose to have had NC with this OM. You are just making an excuse, ANY excuse to talk to the OM again. NC means NO CONTACT. It doesn't mean establish NC, but then contact him just to re-establish NC. In order for me to get my head straight I need to do this. His reaction was I don't think it needs to be that drastic maybe we can cut back some but not entirely., I said no it has to NC whatsoever. He said " I gotta go now, We'll talk about it later and brushed me off" I'm falling for it on both sides. You're falling for it? I thought you said you had no problem and that you can be at this place of employment with him without any problems. doesn't sound like it to me if you are "falling for it". Since you are unwilling to look for a new job and are making whatever excuse you can think of to talk to this guy....maybe you should just tell your H you want a divorce. You are not going to do right by him. Only person you want to do right by is yourself.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Jon..to answer your question how do I treat my H? Well from day one, I've always spoiled him, showered him with affection, lavished hime with expensive presents, could never do enough for him. Now it's a little different, I've come to look at him in a different light and when he goes on his little moody nasty rampages, I get my back up, I get defensive. Especially when it comes to my kids...I've seen what he can do to them and on numerous occasions have had to come to my children's defense when he was yelling and nagging at them so bad they were crying. He resents that and says that I never back him up, I always take the children's side. We'll I'm sorry, I know what he is doing to me and I don't want him doing that to my kids. So yes I will always defend the children and take there side when I am watching him do this. So yes he does have a problem with me in that respect and he says I'm always negative. I think you need to make a thread in the marriage section focused on how to get your Husband to make some positive changes. Otherwise it's not just your life that is going to suffer for it. My Dad was harsh and hypercritical. My mom was always trying to get in the middle. That made things worse for everyone. Especially me. When you insert yourself like that you need to be very careful.
Author danis Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Bish...What are you talking about? I don't work with him. Also I never said I had NC, I said I'm finding it hard to do the NC and was looking for advice on how to do this.
Darth Vader Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Ok, Danis. It's good that you're at least trying to get rid of OM. As well as the fact that you're trying to do right by your hubby. I must agree with imagine on a point. Danis my dear woman... You are doing what 100% of woman do when speaking to your husband and OM namely Womanspeak. We poor men are slow and ignorant creatures and therefor need to have things spelled out for us. What you meant to say to your husband was: "I'm having improper feelings for the guy next door and I need your help to overcome these during this awkward time. The feller next door was meant to hear: "I have notified my husband of our inappropriate interactions and there will henceforth be no further contact". These interchanges make a heap of sense to our ears and we tend to take a lot more notice. Good luck with the translations. Example, or you can really use these words, however they will be very blunt! Tell hubby: Honey, baby, I have this OM that I've become very emotionally attached to, and I want to either go over to his house or bring him here to our house and Ride OM really hard and have mind blowing and intensely loud and violent screaming orgasms with him in our bed. Is it ok, baby, sweety? A bit extreme, I know, but, it must be done in order for him to understand what you're trying to tell hubby. Another words, SPELL IT OUT TO HUBBY! To OM, never say anything to him every again! PERIOD! Simple huh? It's been said here before on these forums that cheaters almost always trade down! Henceforth, what you said: Alex, No, he's not more attractive than my H, in fact he's not even close to being as attractive as my H. Sex with my H, is amazing and very active. I don't know what to say. I think the combination of it being forbidden and the way he makes me feel about myself is what is driving me. Sure you could have great sex with OM, but, at what price?! I don't want to hurt him or my kids. Yeah I know, I'm already hurting them by having the EA. How much will your husband HATE you after that, even if you two do stay together? How much will your own children HATE you for doing that to them and their father? When cheaters cheat on their spouse, they not only cheat on their spouse, but, also on their children. Cheating takes time away from both the spouse and the children. The cheater neglects their family for some stranger. You say that the OM is about to Divorce his wife, WHO said that? Did OM tell you that? How much is he lying to you? Think about this lady, A guy who is less attractive than your husband doesn't want to go NC, why? Answer: He wants to screw a hot looking woman! At his wife's and your husband's expense! Listen to Mz. Pixie, she's been through it! Her Ex. hubby, children, and people around there probably still HATE her for all the crap she put them through! And how many years ago was that? My point is, people don't forget crap like that! If your husband won't do the work to fix the marriage, then Divorce him! You'll be more respected by everyone!
bish Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Bish...What are you talking about? I don't work with him. Also I never said I had NC, I said I'm finding it hard to do the NC and was looking for advice on how to do this. My bad, got you confused with someone that doesn't want to quit their job where the OM is.
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I told him I'm not going to put up with his moods. If you want him to change, if you want HIS honesty, then maybe you should start by confessing that you've cheated on him. How can you ask him to put in effort, to change and have those expectations of him when you aren't going out of your way to block the OM out of your life. You haven't been forceful with the OM and he knows how to push your buttons. Your marriage doesn't have a chance in heck to be fixed until the OM is completely OUT of your life. Anyway I know you disagree here, but you OWE your H the truth so HE can decide if he wants to stay married to you. He thinks all is OK, when infact it really isn't. He knows you're unhappy, but he hasn't a CLUE about your EA. Holding that information back WILL come back and bite you one day - Especially if the OM wants revenge - He could easily tell your H.
soda Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Whichwayisup -- I completely agree. Honestly, I do wonder how much of danis's H's mood swings are attributable to a medical condition. Is it at all possible that he's somewhat aware of what OP is doing behind his back? Perhaps he's aware of the betrayal but he's afraid to confront his wife. From all the posts I've read here and my own experiences it seems like many BS have all the evidence that they need right in front of their face, but they're scared to act on it. Maybe H won't go to counseling because he doesn't see a reason to put effort into a relationship with a WS who puts all of her emotional energy into an EA. Pure speculation...but those are thoughts that jumped out at me.
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I agree and I do wonder if it's possible that her H knows and that's why he's not treating her well. Maybe he's biding his time, seeing if she'll confess. Never say never Danis - Anything is possible. I'm sure your H knows you well and HAS noticed that you've been emotionally distant and detached, yet have a "special" glow due to your OM and the feelings he brings out in you. Your H isn't a stupid man.
soda Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I think H knows better than to believe she'll confess. After years of OP's denials and lies (half truths, omitions...whatever...it's all not the truth) H probably doesn't think confronting his wife would amount to much more than DENY, DENY, DENY on the part of OP. However, Whichwayisup, I think you're right about something. H probably recognizes the glow that OP comes home with after a "good day" with OM. For me, the experience was watching how my wife's mood would shift when she didn't have access to the OM or how she'd be brightened when OM would sugar her with BS compliments and validation. People are usually more intuitive than we believe them to be. My prediction is the same...H is biding his time. Ultimately, I wouldn't be surprised if he's not documenting and planning for burning OP in a messy divorce. Heck, who could blame him? Again...my speculation.
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