Lynettemck Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I'm new here so hope this is the right forum - thought I'd posted on here last night but it's not here. Basically my husband of 13 years and partner of 17 and I separated in February. I believed our marriage had been dead for some time due to various faults on both sides - cheating (both), lying, money worries, lies about money. I loved this man with all my heart until 10 years ago when he moved away from our town to another town for a better job with the intention of bringing me and the 2 kids we had at that time - now 3 - to live there also if the job worked out and when we found a house etc. After 6 months he was coming home less and less and was very different - I think he enjoyed the single life and me and the kids were a hassle - I also strongly believe he had an affair at this time. At the 6 months point I went to the new town and found a house in 1 day for the kids my OH and I. When I moved there he had a bit of a breakdown and I know for certain he was seeing someone (else) at this point. He wanted to leave, he didn't love me etc, etc. I fought for my family and in the end gave up and told him to go at which point he came back and wanted to try again. I had 2 kids under the age of 3 and was in a new town and took him back. Problem is this changed the whole dinamic of our relationship and I lost all respect for him and took over as the man of the relationship as I didn't trust him with money or decisions. Fast forward 10 years and I finally get him to accept that he needs to go and our marriage isn't based on love but on kids and friendship. He was devestated as by this point I know he trully loved me and our what we had, but I was dying inside. We've both started seeing other people and I'm really worried that I'm rebounding and sad thing is I hope he is too. We shouldn't have started seeing other people but the urge to feel loved and to show love to someone else is so strong, especially as I had considered our marriage had been over for years. I'm so sad at what we've done to our kids although they seem perfectly happy, I am devestated that I didn't realise how much this would hurt, I thought I was over the marriage before he left. Why didn't I wait before seeing someone else? Why didn't he? I don't know what I want. I don't know if there is anyway back now. I don't even know if I only want that becuase he is seeing someone else. Has anyone any experience of this kind of thing? We are both on very good terms and we see each other most days as we want to do the best by our kids but I have a constant ache in my heart and a constant niggling doubt at the decisions I've made.
Tripper Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I don't know what I want. I don't know if there is anyway back now. I don't even know if I only want that becuase he is seeing someone else. I'm sorry you're going through this, L. We all come to times in our lives where we ponder our decisions and question the roads taken. From your post it sounds like your M and the R you've had with your H has, at times, been severely strained and finally eroded. Unfortunately you can't "unring" the bell. What's done is done. BUT you can, with determination and work, move forward. Figuring out where you want to move forward to is the challenge. You may want to consider being on your own, outside of a relationship simply so that you can do some work on yourself and decide what you want. Or what you don't want. I would think that you don't want to be in an R or M like you had. Whether you can reunite with your H is really a decision that only both of you can make after a lot of soul searching and discussion. Both of you will need to be brutally honest with each other and with yourselves, and may need to consider some MC to see if it is possible to reinvent both yourselves and the M. Or if you should simply walk away. Being in a R/M because you're afraid or don't like being alone is a poor reason. Staying in a bad R/M for those reasons is even worse. Only you can decide the quality of your M and why you want to be in it. AND THAT is the work you need to do. Personally, I've been through this so I understand your dilemma. Do the work, possibly get some psychotherapy and begin to understand yourself. Move yourself to a better place first, then you can determine where you want to be.
Author Lynettemck Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 Thanks Tripper - it's just good to get this stuff off my chest - I don't really talk to my friends about it becuase all they've heard for years is how unhappy I am - everyone could see it, but I'm just left with all this doubt of did I do everything I could - could I have felt real love for him again, could we have had a normal life with our kids instead of this :-(
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 , but I'm just left with all this doubt of did I do everything I could - could I have felt real love for him again, could we have had a normal life with our kids instead of this :-( L, those doubts are common when one has made such a big decision, that affects so many lives. I had doubts and confusion for about 2 years after I asked for a separation. The thing is, 10 years is a LONG time...my guess is that deep down, you do know you've done all you can, and that "real love" feelings are not going to miraculously reappear. For me, it was just difficult and sad to have to accept the reality and finality of that. And it is just plain scary to contemplate creating a new 'normal' for one's self and the kids. So, the challenges, grief and fears lead to self-doubt and second-guessing -- "maybe this isn't such a good idea, after all" -- I had to remind myself daily to just breathe and trust my instinct that it was the only choice that was going to be for my long-term best interest. Because deep down, I did know that. Wishing all of you the best.
Author Lynettemck Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 Thanks for that Ronnie - that does make sense and it's good to know that I'm not alone in these fears and doubts and that dare I say it I might just be normal. Do any of you have advice on how to cope with staying friends becuase I do want that for our kids sakes and esablishing a routine? I want my ex to have as much contact with the kids as possible and he does too. This isn't a nasty breakup and we both want to stay friends - thing is he doesn't have his own house he shares so when he has the kids it's at mine and I go away for the night, he's over almost every day to see them too but am not entirely convinced that this is the best way forward.
Curmudgeon Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Do any of you have advice on how to cope with staying friends becuase I do want that for our kids sakes and esablishing a routine? I want my ex to have as much contact with the kids as possible and he does too. This isn't a nasty breakup and we both want to stay friends - thing is he doesn't have his own house he shares so when he has the kids it's at mine and I go away for the night, he's over almost every day to see them too but am not entirely convinced that this is the best way forward. Staying friends should be the easy part so long as neither of you does anything purposely to hurt the other. You both have to understand that each of you needs to get on with your individual lives and neither of you has any right to judge how the other does so except as may negatively affect the children. It's time for things to become normalized. He needs to make a home, not just for himself but for the children as well -- a place that's his and theirs when they spend time with him. You being displaced for his visits sends the wrong message to the children that everything is temporary. They need and deserve more security than that. Best of luck. What's done is done and you can second-guess yourself for the rest of your life, or you can choose to get on with it!
Author Lynettemck Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 It's time for things to become normalized. He needs to make a home, not just for himself but for the children as well -- a place that's his and theirs when they spend time with him. You being displaced for his visits sends the wrong message to the children that everything is temporary. They need and deserve more security than that. Thanks for that Curmudgeon - that's my thoughts on it too. I will raise this over the summer period I think.
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 but am not entirely convinced that this is the best way forward. L, I had MANY therapy sessions around the pros and cons of our post-divorce living arrangement. We don't have kids but did end up living in the "former matrimonial home" for years and years...and years! The best advice that I got is that "what's best is what works, at any given point in time." That was from a professional. Some well-meaning family & friends offered that it was "wrong" and would prevent "closure" and "moving forward" and whatever. (Then I'd go back to therapy, he'd ask, "Is it working for YOU and your ex?" And I'd say, "Well, yes it is." And he'd ask, "So...what's your PROBLEM?") But it is difficult as hell, sometimes. Afterwards, I'd start to see glimpses of the man I had married - "why couldn't he just be like that in our marriage <sigh & cry>". And there's the grief and anger and stuff that also comes up - for me it was crucial to be in therapy BUT that didn't stop me from getting into things with ex as if we were still married. And then there's dealing with things when one or the other starts dating. But honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. I had made a decision and commitment about the kind of ex-wife I wanted to be, and I wasn't going to let my ex mess with that. So I sucked it up when I had to, and let it rage when that was the best I could do. And when it stopped working for us, we changed it. I think if you both keep your goal in mind -- doing what is best for the kids under very challenging circumstances -- maintaining a friendly and mutually supportive relationship between the two of you certainly is 100% possible. In terms of being "just normal", yes, kind of...we are each "uniquely the same" when it comes to our separation/divorce .
Author Lynettemck Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 I had made a decision and commitment about the kind of ex-wife I wanted to be, and I wasn't going to let my ex mess with that. So I sucked it up when I had to, and let it rage when that was the best I could do. And when it stopped working for us, we changed it. I think if you both keep your goal in mind -- doing what is best for the kids under very challenging circumstances -- maintaining a friendly and mutually supportive relationship between the two of you certainly is 100% possible. That's exactly where I should be focussing again I had been up until recently!! Are you and your ex still friends Ronni?
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 That's exactly where I should be focussing again I had been up until recently!! Are you and your ex still friends Ronni? For me, I just ALWAYS had to go back to my own goals and desires...and that got me through a LOT of extremely trying and frustrating times. Well...our friendship is in a bit of a 'lull' at the moment . But it is MUCH better now than just two months ago ~ so that's the bright side. Ultimately, it seems that our friendship will be whatever is "approved" by his love interest. He has admitted to fears of growing old alone, and such. So, it just depends on whether he hooks up with someone who is secure or insecure. Or, if he ever decides to get some therapy Which is fine, either way -- makes it a tad more difficult for both (his and my) families, but nothing that we cannot overcome. From within my own heart, though, yes...I would consider that I am his friend in the sense that I'll always try to help and support him to the best of my then-current emotional, mental, spiritual and physical resources. But again...that's just the ex-wife that I want to be -- there are a whole lot of self-interested motives supporting it.
TrustInYourself Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 That's exactly where I should be focussing again I had been up until recently!! Are you and your ex still friends Ronni? Did you just live with your unhappiness or did you both address it professionally? Was it a matter of him not meeting your needs over time? Or the past? Divorce isn't the answer to your unhappiness. Sorry, but with time your pain and fear will go away. Not because you dealt with your issues, but because you put them aside. I'm not saying you could have worked it out. Only you know that. Some of that doubt you have, could possibly be from questioning whether you really did do all you could to work it out. I know many marriage fail because people would rather just suffer than address the real issues and problems successfully. Ignoring and hiding pain, leads to more pain. Good luck and best wishes.
Author Lynettemck Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Ronni - how do you mean self interested motives? Trustinyourself - I really think that there was a point I gave everything to trying to put us back together but I'll admit in the last few years I just wasn't interested and couldn't try anymore - I did put effort into making sure our kids were ok and that me and OH had a nice relationship, there was nothing marital about it really for years! It used to break my heart that I could tell how he felt and I just didn't feel the same way. I missed loving someone completely and I felt bad that I couldn't love him. We went to one counselling session but in honesty the counsellor wasn't very good and just had a go at OH so we didn't go back. I am dealing with my pain and fear now. I have held everything together for the last 5 months but in the last 2 weeks I've let myself feel grief over our marriage and I have cried alot which I think is healthy, certainly more so that holding it together and smiling for everyone else. I think we possibly went past the stage of working things out some years back, but I suppose you never know. Pushing it wont help and maybe if we're meant to be we will be again some day?
SingleDad Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 As always I agree with TIY. Yes you H had an affair. Your H made a huge mistake, has asked for your forgiveness, loves you still and wants to make the marriage work. You are both seeing other people just to be with someone and to feel loved. Yet you know in your heart that your H does love you. Your H has broken your trust. Trust can be rebuilt. You did not mention whether you both have been to marriage counceling. Seems like you both need to start with true honest communication. Stop dating other people - you are both still married. See if you can work out your porblems. See if the trust can be restored over time. You have three kids together. Do it for them. You made a committment to each other and to your kids. you have to know that you at least did everything you can to save your marriage.... And from your post that you are not ready to date and questioning if you are making the wrong decisions... then clearly you are aware that you have not done everything you can in your heart to save the marriage.
Author Lynettemck Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Hi SingleDad - when is enough, enough though? There is a huge risk that if we got back together - if he even wanted to for a start - that we would put our kids through this mess all over again. I suppose it's not a question I've asked him maybe because am not sure if I want to be back with him and possibly even more that I'm not sure he wants it - he suffered alot for the first few months and seems to be ok now - I don't want to put him through any false hope and more pain.
SingleDad Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I would say enough is enough when you know in your heart that you can't and won't and aren't able to do it anymore and need to move on. However, from your posts, it does not sound like you are there. You are dating solely to not be lonely and want to feel like someone loves you... Yet you know that your H does love you and does want to make it work. Know that will take time to rebuild trust. Don't push things or expect things till happen quickly. Tell your H and your kids that you do not know if things will work out, but that you will just let things happen and see what the result is. Realize that since you have 3 kids together, your H or ExH will remain a part of your life even if there is a divorce because you will have frequent conversations about your kids. So many people think that things will be better after divorce because they will not have contact with their Ex. That is not true when there are kids. There could be just as many arguments, maybe more arguments, but as divorced parents. Think about starting with one weekly family event - going to dinner - for example, and see how things go. But I would say you have to give up the BF/GF or it would be unfair to everybody.
Author Lynettemck Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Thanks SingleDad - me and H do get on well still and we do, do family things together - the arguments are definately less and we have made a commitment to raise the kids together even if we aren't physically together. My H is also seeing someone so maybe I've left it too late anyways? I appreciate your advice and it's food for thought.
Ronni_W Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Ronni - how do you mean self interested motives? Just being extremely clear about my own reasons for doing all the seemingly "nice & noble" things that I choose to do -- we do that for ourselves first, to maintain whatever "nice" self-image we want to project. My self interest is that I want to be seen as compassionate, understanding, forgiving, supportive, insightful, and so on...so that is the basis on which I can actually live those things so that others also benefit. But I am benefiting first and foremost. (Hope all of that makes a bit o' sense?) Most importantly, through all of this: At the end of all the many and varied perspectives that you receive and assess, just trust your own 'Inner Voice' ~ nobody else can know how your choices and decisions will forward your Life Purpose and Lessons. In fact, it is the Conscious Self not knowing, that causes the doubts and confusion. But your Higher Self does know.
SingleDad Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 If you do not ask your H if he is interested and willing to start from scratch to see how things go with no promises, then you will never really know for sure... will you ? I wish my STBXW was willing for the sake of our 2.5yo daughter. If you do not even know the answer to the question, then have you really done everything you can ? Maybe your H is not willing to risk being hurt again... then you will know the answer. Maybe he is willing... Then you can try a new start. You have both grown and matured from this experience... I think it is easier to fall Truly in love (vs. infatuation) with someone you were once in love with, than it is "find" a new love. I have posted in other threads that it's all about "BEING the right person for yourself and someone else" and not the common phrase "finding the right person". If you ARE the right person, then things will work out the way they are meant to be, one way or the other.
Ronni_W Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 If you ARE the right person, then things will work out the way they are meant to be, one way or the other. SingleD, that is so true! The pain and challenges arise when BEING the right person means moving forward without the encumbrance of a prior relationship that has turned one's self into the "wrong" person...be it with partner, parent or friend. It is when things work out the 'OTHER' way, that we are put to the test, isn't it so?
Author Lynettemck Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Thing is SingleDad, maybe I'm not willing to risk being hurt again too. I shall ponder a while longer before making any decisions. Thanks.
SingleDad Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Yes - that is a decision that only you can make. Your H also has to make the same decision. And then you both have to want to try to make it work. I think you are currently Husband and Wife - so that may be some incentive. Of course you can leave the situation alone and continue the same course.
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