is it me? or is it her insecurity?

[Rorocher]

Because everyone was telling me I am being "Abused" and talking to me like I was some "Battered woman" and like I was "weak" and needed to be "protected" from the "abusive man".

 

Yes, people were telling me to leave as they did Lightningbolt but they made it seem like I was being abused and even asked if he hit me etc. Whereas with Lightningbolt a lot of people are more nonchalant about it, they ARE telling him to leave but they were saying that he "couldn't SAVE her", which is giving him the role of SAVIOUR while I was the "Abused" one.

 

It just seems rather sexist and a double standard.

 

Don't worry, he is being abused too and he doesn't realize it yet. Abuse knows no gender

[cutegirl]

Don't worry, he is being abused too and he doesn't realize it yet. Abuse knows no gender

 

True, it just annoys me that people don't say so, you were the first one to say "abused" in this thread I think (besides me). Even if he is being abused, it still annoys me that people don't call it as such, but when it's a woman they do.

It's the people's reactions that bother me. It bothers me that they have a different reaction when it's a man vs a woman. They won't even use the word abuse when it's a man with a jealous gf.

 

It's the people's REACTIONS that bother me, the fact they don't call it abuse when it's a man bothers me, i think its sexist.

[vonerik012]

Cutegirl,

 

The media brainwashes people to believe men are abusers, stalkers, violent, etc. People are sheeple, and just repeat what they hear.

 

Lightning, I was there as well, and now that it is over I feel free. It was a miserable existence. Nothing I could do would satisfy my girlfriends extreme, sick, jealousy. Things will not change with yours either.

[Geishawhelk]

The other problem is (and this isn't a sexist remark, it's based upon statistics) that it's far more likely for a man to become a physical and violent abuser, in a situation like this, than it is for a woman.

I know that sounds unfair, but unfortunately, numerically speaking, it's true. More men hit women, than women hit men. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, and I'm not saying one is more - or less - wrong than the other.

but it's more likely for a man who is verbally controlling and abusive, to eventually resort to violence than it is for a woman.

I also think it possible (though by no means certain) that there may be different 'agendas' at work. Men become abusive, manipulative and controlling because of different reasons to those women have, for becoming controlling and manipulative.

Women do it to attempt to empower themselves. Men do it to belittle and dis-empower the women.

 

This is a very generalising remark and is in no way intended to be taken as solid, hard, indisputable or inarguable fact.

It's just something I picked up in counselling.

 

My neighbour ended up in hospital on a life support machine, because she would not accept advice from her sister, that her husband's dislike of her perfume and jewellery could be an early and preliminary indication of an abuser.

It wasn't his tastes that were the problem. It's how he conveyed his wishes to his wife about his tastes, that were the problem.

In the end, they became 'wishes' the police took an interest in.

 

Just to try to put things into perspective.

[lightningbolt]

 

Lightning, I was there as well, and now that it is over I feel free. It was a miserable existence. Nothing I could do would satisfy my girlfriends extreme, sick, jealousy. Things will not change with yours either.

 

i think this is all starting to make sense now. you are right. nothing can make her secure, and everything i do will just be taken by her as indication of my self-righteousness. i will always be the one at fault.

[vonerik012]

After I broke up with mine, she called me months later STILL mad about some girl she thought I looked at while we were out.

 

Sometimes she would call at 3am, and if I did not answer because I was sleeping, she then left mean messages because she felt it meant I was cheating.

 

If I did answer at 3am, she would be mad and wondering why I was up.. This meant a girl must have just left!

 

This is a girl I never even thought of cheating on... But no matter what, it was a no win.

[Geishawhelk]

i think this is all starting to make sense now. you are right. nothing can make her secure, and everything i do will just be taken by her as indication of my self-righteousness. i will always be the one at fault.

 

I do hope so.

I have just found Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus" from his 'Messiah'.

Can I put it on..........?

[lightningbolt]

After I broke up with mine, she called me months later STILL mad about some girl she thought I looked at while we were out.

 

Sometimes she would call at 3am, and if I did not answer because I was sleeping, she then left mean messages because she felt it meant I was cheating.

 

If I did answer at 3am, she would be mad and wondering why I was up.. This meant a girl must have just left!

 

This is a girl I never even thought of cheating on... But no matter what, it was a no win.

 

i've had the same too. texted her late at night to tell her i couldn't sleep, only to get her replying me that i must be thinking of this girl or that girl. the things i get accused of are amazing. once she slammed me for staring at the legs of a woman, who according to her, was probably in her 40s. she always tells me that im not willing to see it from her point of view, that im not willing to do more to reassure her. i think i have done the most i have ever did for a girl. i cannot be responsible for her own insecurity. because if you are that extreme, nothing will be enough to stop misunderstandings from arising. and i deserve better than to have my integrity and character be questioned and attacked every time. i deserve better than to have my actions and explanations be second-guessed every time.

 

Don't worry, he is being abused too and he doesn't realize it yet. Abuse knows no gender

 

rorocher - actually i do get the feeling im being abused at times emotionally.

[Geishawhelk]

Lightning, then you know, for your own well-being and peace of mind, you have to back away and leave her.

It will be hard.

She'll see to that.

None of this will be her fault.

You will be merely confirming that you obviously are attracted to someone else, and that another woman has won you over.

 

Change your 'phone numbers, block her off your mobile. If necessary, move. But you do need to extricate yourself from this relationship.

And cutegirl has a point.

let's call this relationship what it is.

Abusive.

Tell her that.

Tell her she's controlling, irrational and abusive.

And until she sees it for herself, she will always be destructive. She will always be self-sabotaging. And above all, she will always be Alone.

[lightningbolt]

Lightning, then you know, for your own well-being and peace of mind, you have to back away and leave her.

It will be hard.

She'll see to that.

None of this will be her fault.

You will be merely confirming that you obviously are attracted to someone else, and that another woman has won you over.

 

Change your 'phone numbers, block her off your mobile. If necessary, move. But you do need to extricate yourself from this relationship.

And cutegirl has a point.

let's call this relationship what it is.

Abusive.

Tell her that.

Tell her she's controlling, irrational and abusive.

And until she sees it for herself, she will always be destructive. She will always be self-sabotaging. And above all, she will always be Alone.

 

today, i told her that i wanted out. that im no longer prepared to give her what i used to give to reassure her, because frankly, i feel like im losing it all. and i know she will not be able to accept it if things start to float along more on my terms now. we had a good talk. she is no monster. she understands her insecurity, she understands she acts irrationally at times. she says many times she is just looking for my reassurance, which i have been giving less and less lately. i know that much is true. but at the back of my head, im also aware that she will not trust me the way i expect i deserve to be trusted. and because she cannot bring herself to be that vulnerable and open, because she doesnt want to let go of things that are not in her control, i know i will always be restricted.

 

but all this is so darn f****** hard! how do i deal with the impulse to just grab her, hug her, and tell her hey its ok im sorry i wanted out, lets just work this out once more? god, i feel like bursting out in tears at the slightest thought that from today on, i will never have her in my life again. if only she was a bitch, i can cut her off easily. but she is someone that i saw the world and future in! only that there is a side to her that i fail to handle. i am such a wreck now.

[Geishawhelk]

Ok, I know - really, I do - how gut-wrenchingly painful it is. It's so bad, you seek relief by doubling up, but it doesn't help. If anything it makes it worse because you find yourself focussing on the yawning aching pain itself.

 

Puerile as it sounds, you need to focus on how bad this relationship was for you, and how damaging it was turning out to be. Realise that the way she made you feel would have gotten worse, not better.

Maybe this is the catalyst she needs to really get herself in order, but it was killing you, for sure, for sure.

Also, find yourself something to do. A distraction into which you can throw yourself.

I took up swimming.

I forced myself out of the house, truly I did, and even enlisted the help of a firend to get me up and going, to drag me to the pool.

Sometimes she'd leave me there, unable to join me, but she's come round, pick me up in her car and drag me (inwardly kicking, screaming and protesting) to the pool and virtually shove me in.

It worked.

After a while, I spoke to like-minded people, also there for their health and well-being, and made new friends and found, to my surprise, my mind hadn't betrayed me and dwelt on the sadness and negativity as much as I had feared it would.

 

That's my advice.

Be grateful for the freedom this affords you, and get out and about.

[vonerik012]

Lightning, then you know, for your own well-being and peace of mind, you have to back away and leave her.

It will be hard.

She'll see to that.

None of this will be her fault.

You will be merely confirming that you obviously are attracted to someone else, and that another woman has won you over.

 

 

The above is 100% true.

 

When I spoke to mine, and told her I could not longer deal with her extreme jealousy, it was like she did not hear one word out of my mouth.

 

She responded with "Oh you found someone with a better body!" Then she kept asking who it was..

 

Unfortunately we did not break up at that point, but then she always started texting me "Sorry my body is not good enough for you.. You can always find a better body!"

 

Still to this day she texts me things like that..I never had any problem with her body.

 

One time while we were dating I answered the phone while going for a jog. and was out of breath. She STILL brings that up saying "You were having sex with someone else that day!"

 

It became absolutely hopeless. She will never change.