is it me? or is it her insecurity?

[Geishawhelk]

Lightning,

Not trying to blow my own trumpet, (and taking ABSOLUTELY NOTHING away from all the other great advice you've received on this thread, from everyone else, esp. johan....) BUT: Please read my post #21 AGAIN. Slowly.

Realise that everything in it is 100% accurate.

 

You have to 'own' your own baggage, and deal with it, but -

 

So does she, with hers.

 

We cannot offload how we are feeling, and the responsibility for having those feelings, onto others. They might be a trigger, they might be a source. But our reactions and responses, and how we deal with those feelings and emotions, is 100% down to us, and us, alone.

[A.G.Doren]

Lightning,

Not trying to blow my own trumpet, (and taking ABSOLUTELY NOTHING away from all the other great advice you've received on this thread, from everyone else, esp. johan....) BUT: Please read my post #21 AGAIN. Slowly.

Realise that everything in it is 100% accurate.

 

You have to 'own' your own baggage, and deal with it, but -

 

So does she, with hers.

 

We cannot offload how we are feeling, and the responsibility for having those feelings, onto others. They might be a trigger, they might be a source. But our reactions and responses, and how we deal with those feelings and emotions, is 100% down to us, and us, alone.

 

 

He's not listening. He's determined to stick with this girl. *shrug* Oh well.

[Zofia]

now the incident in question involves a female co-worker. we had a few exchanges before in the past, and i did a dumb thing which amounted to a playful childish act (like tit for tat between 2 pre-schoolers). yes it was a silly act that grownups shouldnt have done, but i did (i admit, it was immature to do that, albeit it was without ulterior intentions), in the presence of my girlfriend. she thought that it was insensitive to do that especially in front of her, and i misled the co-worker into thinking that it was alright to get close to me subsequently.

 

You're being pretty vague here. What exactly was the "dumb thing" that you did?

 

Somehow I get the feeling you're not telling the whole story behind why your girlfriend is so paranoid about you. She may still be wrong to be so paranoid, but I suspect you're leaving things out.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I got to agree with A.G -I mean youre relationship is still new and fresh Its quite possible that there will be more pressure on you as time moves on. For example youre not "allowed" to look at other women or get near them now....what do you think will it be like in a years time?

This pretty much sums up my thoughts.

 

Five months of dating (which is practically nothing), and she's already this controlling, this INSANE? I am literally afraid for your (singular tense) future. This girl needs professional help, and her being in a relationship at this point isn't healthy for anybody--especially you.

[Geishawhelk]

He's not listening. He's determined to stick with this girl. *shrug* Oh well.

 

Actually, I think you're right - talk about "A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest {do-do-doo}...." (Simon and Garfunkel.....)

 

Lightningbolt: You go ahead.

Bend over backwards until you're looking so far up your own periscope everything is the right way up, but upside down.

 

Everyone is trying to tell you that this is a bad place to be, but you are spending every post justifying being there - so - go right ahead.

 

She's dangerous, but you're harmless.

What a combination....!

 

Good luck.

 

You are going to need it.

[johan]

Actually, I think you're right - talk about "A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest {do-do-doo}...." (Simon and Garfunkel.....)

 

Lightningbolt: You go ahead.

Bend over backwards until you're looking so far up your own periscope everything is the right way up, but upside down.

 

Everyone is trying to tell you that this is a bad place to be, but you are spending every post justifying being there - so - go right ahead.

 

She's dangerous, but you're harmless.

What a combination....!

 

Good luck.

 

You are going to need it.

 

Having been in his shoes, I don't question Lightningbolt's judgment on this. For one thing, I believe he cares for his girlfriend for real, and it's going to take him a while to reach the end of his rope with her. For another, I'd be more disturbed if it only took a few posts from some strangers on the internet to convince him to break up with her. "Because Geishawelk told me to" would be a little contradictory to his statements of true love and caring.

 

I don't doubt that she can be very charming lovable in between episodes. And that's what keeps hope alive.

 

On the other hand, I don't have tons of faith that this relationship is going to go the distance. It's not impossible, but it's not very likely. What would be the best is for him to suffer with her until he can't take it anymore and then to move on. Suffering can be good if you learn from it.

[Geishawhelk]

No, you don't understand (and it may be my fault, that's not a criticism of you)... The fact is, lightning has come in and asked for advice, but nothing we're saying seems to be either getting through - or even read! It's like he's carrying on a conversation with himself in the mirror, and we're all white noise....

 

Sorry.

Maybe it's just the way I'm reading it....

I'm finding his responses disjointed and odd... they don't seem to relate to anything anyone has said to him, with the exception of one or two posts.....

[bones1]

Prior to reading this I was thinking I was the only man on Earth that went through this.

 

My ex had the EXACT same issues. Everywhere we went she thought I was looking at girls. It got to the point where she would leave the restaurant because she thought I was checking a girl out.

 

If we watched tv, she thought I was staring too intently at the pretty girls on tv.

 

If she was drinking her behavior was 10 times worse. We could not go anywhere!

 

Sometimes she would even point out an attractive girl so that I would look, then she would somehow later say I wanted her.

 

I told her she was insecure, delusional, etc. She said it was all me. I told her thats impossible as no woman ever accused me of that before. She always said "I dont respect her", because I am always looking. And I should just be with her. I was never looking to be quite honest, and didn't care for any other woman.

 

I don't see any solution with someone like that. It is as if she got a high from the fighting and making up. She wanted me to get mad. There was no solution.

 

And as ridiculous as it sounds, she had great moments. Loving, passionate, etc. But the way she acted, and how jealous she was never changed.

 

Her behavior worsened, and she flew off the handle easier and easier in the future. It didnt get better, it got worse.

 

And the worst part was it did not matter how great the evening, or where we were, she would ruin everything instantly by claiming I was looking and not respecting her. After a while that became really old. We would vacation together, and she would ruin the whole trup because she thinks I looked at a girl when i was leaving the bar...

[bones1]

And she would also have moments at the other extreme. She would tell me I am the best thing that ever happened to her. She wants my children. She wants to be with me forever etc.

 

Much of her behavior was hypocritical too. She would mention exes in stories. If I ever did, she would go ballistic. For hours and hours she would keep asking why I am not with the other girl if she is soo great etc etc.

 

All I know is

 

1. They don't change.

 

2. As another poster said, I believe they do it to keep you away. So even if you never saw another girl in your life, then perhaps she would have something else to complain about, or she would just lose interest.

 

3. I really think they need SERIOUS help.. Sometimes she would tell me that she notices I haven't looked at girls in a long time. She must have forgotten that the entire previous week she blamed me daily for just that.

 

4. I think it also might be some type of delusional behavior. Sometimes she would just message me at 2 am knowing i was with another woman. Saying things like "Dont ever talk to me again, have fun with that bitch".. That was near the end, and I have no idea how she thought I was with another woman.

 

Dude, it was tough for me to finally quit, but you need to. There is no other alternative.

[lightningbolt]

bones1, what you have described is what i am going through now. she walked out on me before in a cinema cos i put my arm on the armrest and the lady beside me who was sitting cross legged had her leg in close proximity to my arm. told me to "f*** that bitch for all u want". i explained i was concentrating on the movie and seriously didn't notice, but that cut no ice with her. cos it was impossible i couldnt have seen from the corner of my eyes, and she took it as me wanting to get lucky. well i took it as me not being sensitive enough to the environment and not being able to give enough security. like you, she also is the sweetest girl ever, wanted a future with me, wanted my children, that im a dream come true etc.

 

zofia, the incident involves a casual smoke break i had with my gf and the co-worker. i blew smoke towards the co-worker once in playfulness, and she did it back to me in the presence of my gf. don't ask me why i did it. i really have no other intentions, and i did say it was a childish unnecessary act. she thought i was flirting openly. i honestly never had that intention. but i could see why my actions were interpreted that way.

 

geishawhelk, johan, and all other posters here who have given me your thoughts: thank you all for your comments...i really appreciate it. guess probably only johan and bones can truly know why i am feeling this way. i have read all the responses, and i have fully considered what you guys have said. and however hard i want to deny it, i know that the advice LS has given me is also somewhat true and in my best interests. im still hoping for the best seriously.

 

i cant pinpoint exactly why im so committed, but maybe my love is blind, maybe i have invested too much emotionally. until the rope snaps for the final time, i will still be hanging on. i may not be acting on all your advice now, but thats becos i want to give this a chance of mending. i cannot bring myself to call time on this after 5 months cos at the back of my head, i will always be thinking, could i have done something more? but what i get out from LS is the various perspectives that you guys have, the things you guys have done. it frames the picture rightly for me, and it shows me the steps i need to do. what i take heart from my situation now is that she seemed able to acknowledge her insecurities, and that when situations sometimes seemed to be crashing rapidly, she can pull us back. no matter how much she insists im the cause of all the insecurities in our relationship.

 

im trying to present the situation as fairly as it happened without giving too much of my perspective and cloud your judgment. sometimes i dont mention exact details, but thats cos i have this paranoia that she may stumble upon this site one day and knowing her, i am fully aware she will take is as a betrayal of trust for me to be airing dirty laundry. at times, i feel like my head is getting a bit messed up. i dont know if its me being self-righteous and taking her feelings lightly, or is it her.

[bones1]

I think for me, a small part of me liked the attention AT THE BEGINNING.

 

In a way, the jealousy was cute, and I felt was a sign that she really liked me.

 

But the movie theater scene is EXACTLY what me and her would go through on many occasions. Even if there were no women in the restaurant, she would then say I want the hostess, the waitress, etc. If we were at a sports bar, and I was watching a game, and a girl walked by the TV, then of course I was checking her out.

 

It would be embarrassing when she would just get up and leave me sitting at the table alone, because she felt I looked at a woman. One time she thought I was looking at some lady that was about 60 years old at a table next to us..

 

And she would also say that often "You can fu.. that bitch all you want" or, "You need to respect me". She would also always say the women are staring at me. Then she never wanted to anywhere that women might be.

 

But trust me. IT IS NOT YOU. I know it wasn't me. I thought it might be at the beginning, and I also tried to accommodate her. I also only dated her for about 3 months when it started happening all the time. Actually the first signs of it appeared after a week.

 

I think if you take a small break away, and get out of the cycle, you will look back and realize how miserable it can be at times. Unfortunately the good was also very good. But when you can never go on a vacation, go out to eat, go to a bar, or even to a movie, or EVEN WATCH TV without this happening, you start to realize how ridiculous and horrible it is.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

she walked out on me before in a cinema cos i put my arm on the armrest and the lady beside me who was sitting cross legged had her leg in close proximity to my arm. told me to "f*** that bitch for all u want". i explained i was concentrating on the movie and seriously didn't notice, but that cut no ice with her. cos it was impossible i couldnt have seen from the corner of my eyes, and she took it as me wanting to get lucky.

Lightning, I want you to reread this. Does it sound like something, a stable, healthy person would do? Do you want to live the rest of your life walking on eggshells to accommodate (and essentially condone) the psychological disorder that this girl has? Have her get help, please! It will be better for both of you.

[Geishawhelk]

geishawhelk, johan, and all other posters here who have given me your thoughts: thank you all for your comments...i really appreciate it. guess probably only johan and bones can truly know why i am feeling this way.......

Yes, and what have they both tried to tell you....?

 

i have read all the responses, and i have fully considered what you guys have said. and however hard i want to deny it, i know that the advice LS has given me is also somewhat true and in my best interests. im still hoping for the best seriously.

 

Virtually everyone is telling you this is a bad situation.

Virtually everyone is telling you this is an unhealthy relationship.

Everyone is telling you she has very serious psychological issues.

Everyone is telling you that you really should remove yourself....

 

i cant pinpoint exactly why im so committed, but maybe my love is blind, maybe i have invested too much emotionally. until the rope snaps for the final time, i will still be hanging on.

Then, I'm sorry, I really don't know what more you want from us. This is futile.

Your choice is a foolish one, not based on any of the logic, and sound advice given to you here.

I wpould add that I think this realtionship has eroded your will to such an extwent that blindness, investment and emotions have nothing to do with it. You've merely been drained of all strength to fight back. I think you've completely capitulated, and that if you stay with her and marry her, you will be the epitome of the downtrodden, henpecked husband. You will be reduced to a shell.

 

 

i may not be acting on all your advice now, but thats becos i want to give this a chance of mending.

How? Don't you think if something could have happened, it would have done so by now? It's not going to repair itself. And a mended situation, is like a jumper with a pulled and torn thread. you can patch it and sew it, but the blemish and mend will always show and be visible....

i cannot bring myself to call time on this after 5 months cos at the back of my head, i will always be thinking, could i have done something more?

I think you've tried enough. Short of welding yourself to her, poking your eyes out and mentally catrating yourself, I see little benefit of thinking this way. it is unconstructive and unhelpful. What about everything she could be doing?

but what i get out from LS is the various perspectives that you guys have, the things you guys have done. it frames the picture rightly for me, and it shows me the steps i need to do.

Yes. we have tried this repeatedly. But you've basically chosen to keep making excuses and giving justifications for doing precisely the opposite....

 

what i take heart from my situation now is that she seemed able to acknowledge her insecurities, and that when situations sometimes seemed to be crashing rapidly, she can pull us back. no matter how much she insists im the cause of all the insecurities in our relationship.

Excellent! She's got this control thing off to a fine art! She pushes and pushes and pushes, and when she sees she might have overstepped the mark she hauls it sll back, and makes you think she's really trying.... I don't think so! This is all part of the manipulative plan to keep you exactly where she wants you!

 

im trying to present the situation as fairly as it happened without giving too much of my perspective and cloud your judgment. sometimes i dont mention exact details, but thats cos i have this paranoia that she may stumble upon this site one day and knowing her, i am fully aware she will take is as a betrayal of trust for me to be airing dirty laundry.

Any chance of you actually putting your own needs first, at all...? Isn't there anything about this that makes you want to be important in her eyes?

at times, i feel like my head is getting a bit messed up. i dont know if its me being self-righteous and taking her feelings lightly, or is it her.

 

It's her.

 

IT'S HER.

 

IT'S HER!!

 

IT'S HER - !!!

 

Is that clear enough for you?

[bones1]

How would any woman react to YOU if YOU were the one doing this? How would your current girlfriend respond?

 

Next time when out, just say "Fine, go **** that guy! I saw you look at him".. And then leave.. Do you think many women would stick around? Do it all the time...Everywhere... She would not stick around and be understanding.

 

People like this are delusional. Or mentally imbalanced. There is no way to fix it. Then they are manipulative on top of it.

[Bradie]

Lightningbolt- I know you love her and want to help her, but this is not a loving relationship. She has astronomically huge issues, and no matter how hard you try, YOU CANNOT SAVE HER. Only she can save herself, by realizing that her behavior is wrong. It's very sweet that you want to help, but the way you describe your girlfriend makes her seem like she is beyond any sort of help you can give. She does not want to admit she is in the wrong. Until she can this will continue indefinitely. And unfortunately, it will probably take a huge, life-changing event for her to realize this (if she ever does). What she is doing is tantamount to emotional abuse. You can give her all the love in the world, but that will never solve her issues. I hate to say this but you need to get out. Now.

[lightningbolt]

bones,

 

when the first signs of her freaking cos she thought i was checking other girls appeared, i thought it was me. i thought she just misintepreted that situation wrong. but then it happened again and again, even for times when i was dead sure i was not in the wrong, and i knew that she had a bigger problem than just my insensitivity. i have thrown the ball back at her court before, i have lashed out before, on occasions when even i would feel ridiculous for raising it (still did cos i had something to prove). those times were few, and frankly speaking, i didnt know what they achieved cos she allowed me to read it the way i chose to. but knowing her, i know she probably felt slightly aggrieved, cos she quietened down. deep down, i think she knows she went too far at times. my girl has high standards...no doubt a consequence of her history and her beliefs. she draws VERY clear lines, which are shaped by her insecurity as well. and she expects me to as well. not that the lines i draw are any bad to you guys, but to her, its not acceptable. there are not many occasions that i can catch to give her a taste of her own medicine really.

 

and just to update. we were on the verge of calling it quits recently. i told her that i think she needs to lighten up on me, she needs to take responsibility for her own feelings, she can't be jumping on me everytime she thinks she saw me walking close to girls or checking girls out. i told her im really tired of defending myself, of being criticized at being a guyslut, of bending over backwards to accomodate her, of taking it upon myself to fit her expectations, of living in fear of the next episode, of being worried of voicing out cos she will turn the tables back on me, of not knowing how to conduct myself in front of women cos im afraid of how my actions will be interpreted by her, etc. and i really meant what i said. i was prepared to walk out cos if she doesn't put in her fair share, there is no way this can work out. the good thing is it sort of worked. she knew i was being pushed to the edge, she knew her insecurity needed lots of work, she knew she was hurling accusations frequently, she knew we were fighting too much, and she knew i meant it.

 

lately, i have noticed that she is freaking out on me less since the last time i brought up this issue with her. she hasn't accused me of looking at girls or going close to them in 2 weeks. she hasn't been mentioning things about my ex. although questions are still asked at times, and she does give me warnings not to do this not to do that (i suspect cos of her need to be in control). there are some issues that she is firm on, and im trying to see them her way. we are really trying to come to a compromise. i am going to give it my best shot. if things improve from here, i will know that there is still a way out. if they don't, i will know to leave and save myself. i will have a much easier time leaving this than wondering if i should have invested more time and effort back then.

 

but right now, at this very moment, i have managed to make her acknowledge her part of the problem. and im seeing genuine effort on her end to make this work. when i see her wanting to try cos of her love for me, it makes me want to try even harder. this might not be the most logical solution to you guys, but i hope you can see why im holding on. its cos i don't see my gf as being totally mental here. she has a lot of the characteristics of a person with disorders, but her rational side surfaces too when need be. i just don't know if this can be long-lasting. but im willing to stake my chances on it just to see.

[datingmum]

Hi Bones,

 

I just wanted to pipe in here with my two cents.

 

I am similar to your girlfriend, though not as extreme (looking at girls while we're out etc). I have caused untold terrors, pain and problems in my current relationship and my first marriage due to this.

 

Whenever I start to get very emotionally close to someone, I panic, need reassurance, seek out a 'reason' why they don't love me and will hurt me. In my case, it's a female colleague of my partner. He has told me a million times that he cannot marry me until I overcome my issues, but I continue to let him down by letting these issues pollute an otherwise very good relationship. He is very much like you, serious, sweet and giving. He has tried so hard to work with me on this, but it was so painful that I refused to even face it for a long, long time.

 

Given that your actions are so innocent, simply walking near a girl, watching tv etc. I'd say she has a fairly profound issue. This is a pattern of a lifetime and will take serious commitment from her side to rectify. Should you choose to remain in this relationship, you MUST put up honest boundaries and together, make a decision to tackle this issue head on as and when it arrives.

 

How?

 

1. She needs some help. I'm currently having counselling. Not sure how effective it is yet, but last week we finally pinpointed the moment in my past where I was imprinted with the idea that being abandoned was associated with 'other women' It was a combination of 'divorcing' my abusive parents at 14, being out in the world on my own in a highly highly vulnerable emotional and physical state and the 'breakup' with my highschool sweetheart - who helped me get out of my home and I subsequently married, who then - while making love to me - said " i want to sleep with other girls". Even 15 years later, recalling this made me blubber like a baby. Hopefully, it is an important first step for me. I've admitted I have a problem and identified why.

 

2. You need to be able to have an open and honest dialogue and consequences for her behaviours. You need to establish this now, in times of calm, before it happens again. But try to reassure her of her love, saying you want to be with her forever and that if you are to do so, you must both be healthy. This is a great motivator. Then in situ: For instance, you behave normally, with some 'normal' concern for her issues - ie. being sensitive, but not going out of your way to adhere to some crazy regulations. If and when her insecurity arises, you gently hug her and say "honey, i know you are in a bad place righ tnow and thinking this and that, but I'm right here for you. It's all fine" If she persists, then you will need to remove yourself from the situation saying "I love you but I need to remove myself from this situation because it is damaging me and us. Please do not think I am abandoning you, but we need to get healthy." Then be strong and follow through. Tell her you will make contact to check on her in an hour, day , whatever feels right.

 

3. If life is getting worse, miserable, she refuses to seek help, then you will have to leave. Sometimes it is the only thing that will wake someone up, losing the love of their life. It has certainly made me face my issues head on, though it is debatable how successful I have been.

 

My pattern is that I try really hard, but then the feelings arise so sudden and quick that I can barely keep it out of my questions/my voice/my demeanor. As my partner is so sensitive, he picks up on it immediately and it disappoints and depresses him and he moves further away.

 

We are hanging on by our last threads. I am so sad I don't know what to do. I am so truly sorry for hurting him, he has so much on his plate and his own wounds. I am not adding, but detracting from his life. What's worse, as he moves further away, my insecurities get worse! I posted for years on this board that he was commitment phobic and that it was all his problem. But I can't ignore the evidence that he actually proposed, lived with me and my daughters, loved us in everyday ways so sweetly and so immensely and I still stomped on it with my jealous, crazy ways. He couldn't enjoy his life as a man with free will, with the knowledge that I 100% was behind him and trust and love him and his character.

 

I hope this post has helped you in some way. I am, as you describe your girlfriend, very loving sweet and caring and loyal. To be honest, I am described as 'the perfect girlfriend' by people who are not close enough to know about these problems, and they are very specific.

 

My partner and I are currently 'broken up' but still in contact. I am so sad, I feel isolated and lonely and unable to understand what to do to make it heal faster, better. I am frightened that I will have to spend my life alone because I am unavailable to those who love me. I am a commitment phobe - in a strange way. I am so frightened of getting hurt, I can't truly get close. My daughters future will be affected as well unless I can help myself. The sitatuation looks dire but I suppose I am lucky in one thing, I have found love. And though it is not perfect, it is beautiful. I have finally found someone who meets my needs and who sees me for what I am, yet is strong enough to draw his own boundaries.

 

Any advice from you all welcome.

[carrot10]

lightening, I am also like your girlfriend. While reading your posts, I realized how I am treating my boyfriend. and how he must feel. Datingmum nailed it. I am so afraid to get close to people but I am always accusing them of not getting close enough to me. I did it to my ex husband for 15 years. I know I put him through hell. I know it is not right to treat someone you love by always accusing them. But like dm said it comes on so quickly and then the thoughts take over. It is truly your girlfriends responcibilty to figure out what is at the root of this insecurity. You are going to need alot of patience for this. I know my exh had so much more than I could ever imagine having. I ended up leaving him 3 years ago to fix myself. I'm still working on it. Good luck and don't let her bring you down.

[woods321]

Excellent posts from the ladies..

 

So, if you are with a woman like this.. Her extreme jealousy is because she is most likely afraid to get close. With my ex I noticed her always telling me I have money, a good job, i am handsome, etc, and I am going to leave her.

I was always the one calling her as well. I sensed she was extremely afraid.

 

So what can a man do? Either leave her, ask he to get help, or cut it off as you suggested.

 

 

I remember leaving her once, and she came running, apologizing etc. But then it soon happened again..

 

So if a woman is this afraid to love, this jealousy is not the issue, but a sign of larger issues, right? I feel even if no women were around,m she would then withdraw in another way, etc.

 

it is so frustrating. I wanted to give her love, but she wouldn't accept it, although she was yearning for it..

[Miad's Princess]

I am also like your woman, an incident happened in our relationship and since then when I strike out I try to justify it with what happened before and that's why I am so insecure and don't trust him......When in reality I had this problem before it happened it's only got more extreme since. Plus I behaved similar in previous relationships.

 

I have major abandonment issues which stem from my past (as a kid) I can't use this as an excuse but it is a reason.

 

My bf is great and yes I want to marry him have his kids etc but yet, if my insecurity rises I can easily tell him he lies has no concience and I don't trust him which I don't half of the time which is my problem.

 

I am seeking help, Iv been to relate but I don't think they are very experienced in psychological issues so I turned to my doctor and have started taking anti-depressants and hopefully he will send me to cognitive behavioural therapy.

 

I feel really guilty for the way I treat him half the time I know it's me who has the problem and half the time I believe he is lying and being disloyal etc. I feel like two people a jekyll and hyde

 

I feel sorry for you having to go through this, I also feel sorry for your gf cose it's not a pleasent feeling to be anxious and mistrust the person you love most.

[lightningbolt]

update:

thank you all posters who gave such great support and advice. so far, i have not been following the advice to get out of the rs because i cant bring myself to. however, what i did follow is to slowly start to conduct this relationship on my terms.

 

a bit of background for the benefit of those LS'ers whose memory may be a bit hazy. i have tried to take it upon myself to give what my gf wanted and needed for the first 4-5 months of our relationship (we are at our 6 month mark now). this included me stopping to hang out with my friends (because that will put her more at ease knowing that the chances of me meeting someone new is less), stop chatting online, stop going for gigs (because this was something my ex and i did regularly, and i didnt want my gf to feel that im retaining my past), effectively reducing contact with girls to zero (including female co-workers), taking care not to let my gaze fall into the path of women, checking my physical position with regards to women on the street, etc etc. i spend all my time with her. i am hardly out of her sight (we work together) during my waking moments (seriously), and if i have to, i let her know my whereabouts.

 

now my problem is this. i feel now that i cannot be like this forever. i deserve a decent normal life as well. i dont wish to isolate myself from all my friends because these people are precious to me as well. i have gone for a couple (just one or two occasions) of get-togethers with my closer pals. all guys, no girls. and my gf is well aware of this (doesnt mean she didnt throw in the usual questioning about whether im out with girls though *shrugs*). i have also on a few occasions started to resume online messaging. i didnt resume this because i wanted to know girls, but more so because i wanted to just stay contactable to my friends. and i only chat with my closest pals online. i have started to be way more assertive now. and i must admit that inevitably, this has caused much unhappiness between us.

 

my question is, am i being a selfish prick for doing this? i knew my gf was insecure right from the beginning, although to what extent i was still finding out. and back then, in my attempts to make her feel as secure as possible, i ended up doing everything that SHE thinks a relationship should be. now, when i decide that i needed some normal outlets for myself, i start to take back what i have done. [i have to add that what im doing is definitely not being unfaithful. im not asking to meet up with my girl friends or start partying every night. its just what every normal person would reasonably expect to still be able to do in an exclusive relationship without having to deal with the guilt trip and the whole "you're not putting yourself in my shoes!!" thing laced on by the partner.]

 

i feel that im very guilty of leading my gf on. she has told me that the relationship has become just all about me. after trying to make her feel secure for 5 months, i just decide that its unfair to me and in the process, the things im doing now are sparking off her insecurities in a really big big manner. im expecting her to live with what I think she should live with, without sparing a thought for her insecure nature. we have fought so bitterly over this the past month, that i really feel that the threads are slowly breaking. no matter how much i saw a future with her, i know that im not willing to compromise on the simple things that i mentioned above. she told me that when i start doing these things, she starts to think about the situations leading up to her ex bf cheating on her. and frankly speaking, im quite pissed that what her ex bf did to her will forever be an albatross hanging around my neck. i dont feel im being treated fairly at all. her impossibly high and unreasonable expectations of me came about because of her bad past.

 

what should i do about this?

 

to those who have been in my shoes before, have you all tried to get back whatever semblance of normality you once had?

[cutegirl]

How come if a guy is exhibiting this type of behavior everyone would label him right away as "abusive" but when it's a girl people just say "its her, not you, leave her" etc.

 

I posted something similar about an ex bf awhile ago on this board (a few years ago I think) and people were like "oh he is ABUSIVE, leave now before he hits you! Has he ever hit you?! This is EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!"

 

But when it's a guy posting about his gf's jealous behavior people just say : "ooh you can't save her, just leave" etc.

 

Seems unfair to me and a double standard.

[Geishawhelk]

I don't know what your gripe is, Cutegirl. You were advised to get out of the relationship. Lightningbolt has been advised to do the same thing. Difference is, you listened, he's asking for advice but ignoring it.

My opinion is you're better off than he is.

What's your beef then?

[manugeorge]

You're not being a selfish prick, you are being a normal person. Explain carefully to your girlfriend that you previously succumbed to ALL her wishes because you thought that was a way to reassure her but now that you have thought about it carefully, you realized that what you've been doing is unhealthy. She needs to get with the program or get the hell out of dodge.

 

I'm sorry she was cheated on and if you indeed do show the signs of what her scumbag ex was doing, then she just needs to find someone else. Frankly, if I were her and I saw the signs of a cheating ex in a new boyfriend, there would absolutely be no negotiation, I would be out of there in a heartbeat.

 

From reading your previous posts, I see definite signs of abuse in what your girlfriend is doing and as I see/saw you justifying them and giving her a go ahead. It's sad to see, many people, both women and men who have been abused, that this is how it starts, so subtly, until it gradually grows and grows and before you know it, your self esteem has been completely eroded and someone else is dictating how you should live your life.

 

Frankly, it's way too soon in a relationship for you guys to be having major issues like this, if anything, this is the time to reevaluate things before you get in too deep.

 

She needs to get help to deal with the residual feelings from being cheated on. Those feelings tend to stay with you for a long time if you don't take any actions to work through them.

[cutegirl]

I don't know what your gripe is, Cutegirl. You were advised to get out of the relationship. Lightningbolt has been advised to do the same thing. Difference is, you listened, he's asking for advice but ignoring it.

My opinion is you're better off than he is.

What's your beef then?

 

Because everyone was telling me I am being "Abused" and talking to me like I was some "Battered woman" and like I was "weak" and needed to be "protected" from the "abusive man".

 

Yes, people were telling me to leave as they did Lightningbolt but they made it seem like I was being abused and even asked if he hit me etc. Whereas with Lightningbolt a lot of people are more nonchalant about it, they ARE telling him to leave but they were saying that he "couldn't SAVE her", which is giving him the role of SAVIOUR while I was the "Abused" one.

 

It just seems rather sexist and a double standard.