is it me? or is it her insecurity?

[lightningbolt]

i have been reading the various threads on insecurity issues here. made me realize that im not the only one feeling this way. i have been with my girlfriend for coming to 5 months now. we really love each other to bits, and we have even made plans to get married next year and get an apartment soon. we are both 27 this year. my girlfriend is gorgeous, smart, kind, godly, has a great family, down to earth, and she loves me hell of a lot.

 

but the thing is, i seriously think she is very insecure of herself. she snaps at me for the craziest things. she thinks im always checking girls out (and disrespecting her), she thinks im always trying to get physically close to girls, walk close to girls, mislead girls. whenever such an incident happens, which i swear is never my intention to ever do such a thing (i absolutely love her and am faithful to her), her words are very very strong and hurtful. she will scold and tell me straight that there is something seriously wrong with my character, that i have no morals to be wanting to be close to other girls when im attached. its insulting, cos she says that my behavior is probably not something im even aware of cos people who are cheap and loose will never know that what they are doing is wrong. she thinks im capable of cheating on her, and my behavior is an indication. she even told me that maybe i should go for a girl which is like me cos both parties would then be ok with each other getting close or checking people out. honestly, i think this is quite insane. im not a newbie in relationships, but this is the first time that i have had such accusations leveled at me. none of my exes ever had a problem, or even mentioned, that i check out girls or am flirting with girls. my closest pals of more than 10 years have often said jokingly im gay cos i always dun seem to notice the hot girls that walk past, that im often quite uninterested in other people

 

it is really causing me a lot of unhappiness. i always try to explain to her that i wasnt looking, wasnt trying to get close etc. but of cos, as anyone in my situation would know, the girl wont buy that. i admit tat im insensitive..i may not be aware if im walking too close to girls or not, sometimes i say the wrong things as well. but no way in hell am i a flirtatious cheater. i may be a very friendly person, i can talk easily to anyone, but having a friendly exchange or harmless banter does not mean im flirting and trying to bed those ladies!

 

i can actually see where the roots lie. my girlfriend has been hurt real bad before...called off engagement cos her then fiance cheated on her. her next boyfriend wasnt exactly reassuring as well, having lots of contact with girls which absolutely drives her nuts cos to her, it all leads to cheating. but she insists that she is over her past. says pretty girls tend to be insecure cos they have seen the worst of men who try to get them. there is truth in that. We also didn’t start off on the best of notes, cos I left my then girlfriend to be with her within a very short period. Naturally she is more wary. but how do i tell her that she really does have an insecurity issue which is causing her to interpret normal scenarios as a threat to her relationship with me? i have tried talking to her before, but the problem with her is that she never thinks its her issue. she insists that the problem lies with me being cheap, with my behavior. Either I shape up or I ship out. our conversations always end up the same way. causing me a lot of distress, especially when i see her as the person i want to marry.

 

to reassure her, i have become very conscious of my behavior in public. i try not to stand or walk close to girls, i wouldnt choose to watch movies if they have nudity or pretty female leads in them, i look away when there are decent looking girls around, i dont talk to my female colleagues, i have stopped going out with my friends cos i want to spend my time with her, i dont email or instant message my friends and girl friends. In short, I have literally cut off ALL contact with my female friends, and even my guy friends because (1) she is all I want, and (2) I see it as necessary to reassure her. I let her know where im going all the time, what im doing etc. she knows my whereabouts 24/7, but that doesn’t stop her from making comments like “hopefully you are not meeting your ex”, or questioning me whether I am looking at girls! Although sometimes she delivers them jokingly, it’s the fact that she can say this that disturbs me. it doesn’t help that we work in the same place, which gives us LOTS of opportunities to fight over the same issue. Once, I stood up for a female colleague, and she got upset cos she thought I was trying to mislead her. sure I admit that on hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have done that cos my girlfriend wouldn’t feel so special. And she thinks that I like some female colleagues deep down (just cos I used to have some normal friendly exchanges with them in the past). To stop all this, I have completely stopped talking to female colleagues unless its necessary for work cos knowing my girl, she will get insecure if I talk more than work matters, and I don’t want that.

 

For the last 4 months, I have took it upon myself to change my behavior so as to minimize all these misunderstandings. Cos knowing that If I continue my friendly self, it will tear us apart. But lately, I have started to tell put across that she might be having an insecurity problem. That the problem cant be just me alone. We both have to work at it to keep the relationship going. But she cant seem to accept that she has a deep issue. She interprets my concerns as merely my defensiveness, and it only proves that she is right. I have tried to turn it back against her, and told her that we take time off to think about our relationship, in the hope that she can do some self-introspection and hopefully come to see that she has a part to play as well. But she basically told me that she knows her decision, and if I cant change, then we cannot be together. I don’t want to lose her, so now im back to square one again. Im kinda paranoid now if im indeed the cause of all these problems between us. and I hate the fact that the responsibility of holding the relationship together has fallen on my shoulders simply because I fail to make her see and address her insecurity issue. I don’t know how much more I can give. There is a limit to everything, and I fear that I can live my life completely around her with no outside contact, and misunderstandings can still happen. [/FONT][/COLOR]

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[sally4sara]

You are in a relationship with a controlling person. It is ridiculous that you have to shield your eyes and check your position in regards to the location of other females near you to try to keep her from freaking out. Doing this won't help her get over it, it will only make you an anxiety ridden mess.

The fact that she yells and scolds you for her inner issues is abusive and there is nothing sweet or godly about it.

I'd sit her down and explain these things to her. Point out that you are not her ex and shouldn't be treated as such. Tell her you love her and have absolutely no intention of messing with her heart, but this crap has to stop or you'll be gone.

The hard part of all that is you have to mean it.

[sandrawg]

Dude! I'm not saying your girlfriend is crazy, but her BEHAVIOR definitely is! Don't you feel stifled? I mean, you had to let go of all your female friends...you do not talk to your co-workers about non-work issues...this is nuts! How can you have a life?

 

Truthfully, this is not your problem. It's hers. She needs help. She obviously has past issues. She is going to over-control you right out of that relationship and ruin everything. Jealousy is a good way to kill love.

 

If I were you, I'd tell her that she needs to get help. Maybe you guys can both go to couples counseling. Her restrictive behavior is keeping you from having a good life.

[Geishawhelk]

Tell her you would be willing to change your behaviour if you thought for one moment you had a real problem, but you haven't.

You're just a normal guy, doing normal things.

She has a real problem, and I agree. You need to confront her and be a bit forceful with it. Not rude, not unkind, not insulting. Just firm.

Because the more you comply with her "rules & Reg's" the more she will impose on you.

She really does have control issues. And when people have control issues, it never stops, because by complying, all you're doing is feeding the problem, not satisfying it. It gets worse.

So you need to brak free form her issues and deal with it now, before you gwet married.

She doesn't trust you.

And it's not your fault, problem or responsibility.

It's hers.

You can help her, support her and work through it with her.

But there's nothing that says you have to be a compliant victim.

[lightningbolt]

Thank you all for the responses. First off I have to say that my girl is absolutely the sweetest girl and the first I can actually see marrying. She has lots of marriageable qualities, but there is just this dark side to her which will not be evident unless you are her boyfriend. I thought about talking to her best friends about it, but I thought that it wouldn’t work cos being friends, they will listen more from her perspective, which isn’t helping matters.

 

Sally4sara, you are right in that I am starting to become an anxiety ridden mess. I am so dead conscious of myself that I will get nervous being in crowded places cos I fear another occasion when she will “catch” me standing too close to girls or looking at them again. i wasn’t like this in the past. I mean, come on. It’s a public place for gods sake. Its pretty tough to keep checking your position to ensure you are within a safe 1m radius from all girls right? Sometimes you don’t exactly walk straight (for some reason, but NOT cos of infidelity) and you end up a bit too close to a girl. doesn’t mean im out to cop a feel right? And im sure many people are not so narrow minded to freak out over this. thing is, I know my girl is dead set against such behavior, and she practices what she preaches. Its not as if she has double standards, cos she bitches to me and she gets upset when she finds guys or even girls too close to her. whether these occasions are really justified in that the guys are trying to enjoy being close to a gorgeous lady, or are just harmless incidents without any ulterior intentions, I really do not know. My reaction is always to go along with her cos I give her the benefit of the doubt. Although at the back of my mind, I know there is a big possibility she is overreacting to very normal situations. I don’t want to seem as if I don’t understand her, or im being insensitive to her needs again, so I choose not to point them out.

 

Sandrawg, my girlfriend didn’t forbid me from having any contact with female colleagues or female friends. I simply stopped doing all these cos there were so many misunderstandings that arose that I decided that I wanted to let her know that she is the most important person to me. so it is for her reassurance that I took those steps. One thing my girl likes to do is to taunt me (whenever I made a mistake to her). if I walked too close to a girl for comfort, she will taunt me that she will do it back to me so that I will learn. Now of cos, I wouldn’t want that as well, so I naturally back down. Inevitably, I will always explain myself and tell her that I will not let this happen again. im like in a catch 22. I know she wouldn’t carry out her threat cos she said she wouldn’t stoop down to this “cheap” level.

 

I tried to talk to her about this, and also tried being more firm, but so far its yielding nothing. She doesn’t think she has the problem. I have to change or we will break. Well its easy for me to walk out on this. I have been a quitter in my past relationships. But for this, I cant really explain why im so committed. I just cant bear to be forceful with my opinion, cos I know eventually it will come down to an ultimatum, and that will spell the end of us. im just hoping that there is another way. Hopefully I can moderate my behavior enough and she will eventually come to see things as it is. But I have heard that one should never harbor strong hopes in a relationship. Cos u can never depend on hope. Its hard to hope that someone can change if that person does not even see that they have an issue. Well, just like how my girlfriend says that she knows its hard for me to change my flirtatious cheap character as well. shrugs.

[lightningbolt]

and just to add on why im still staying in this. its cos i want to make sure that i am giving myself a chance to address her insecurity. i genuinely want to help her, to reassure her. i dont want it to be a situation where her boyfriend walked out on her cos he failed in giving his woman enough reassurance, failed in giving what the girlfriend needed. the way i see it, since i have decided to commit to this relationship, i should try to resolve the issues. if she is really this insecure cos of my behavior, then its my fault if i failed to give what she wanted. and thats not what i want.

[Geishawhelk]

No. This is wrong. You may think that you are doing things voulntarily for her, but you're not. She is guiding your behaviour, however subtle you may believe it to be. If she wasn't your GF you wouldn't be doing this. but she is, and you're intrinsically changing aspects of yourslf which are no great big deal in the first place.

The fact that you feel compelled to alter your behaviour for her because you love her, and you want to commit, is admirable, and I know you love her.

but this is the way to a damaged relationship, from the start.

Frankly, if she's expecting you to do this for her, then you should be expecting something back.

This is not on.

 

Sorry, but in my opinion - as someone who has been involved in couples counselling - you are going the long slow way to destructive behaviour.

[twillight]

and just to add on why im still staying in this. its cos i want to make sure that i am giving myself a chance to address her insecurity. i genuinely want to help her, to reassure her. i dont want it to be a situation where her boyfriend walked out on her cos he failed in giving his woman enough reassurance, failed in giving what the girlfriend needed. the way i see it, since i have decided to commit to this relationship, i should try to resolve the issues. if she is really this insecure cos of my behavior, then its my fault if i failed to give what she wanted. and thats not what i want.

 

Iam very sorry to say but I dont think you will get anywhere with being nice and wanting to help her.

Iam sort of involved with a man who is in a similar situation but there it has gone from bad to worse,she is manipulating him wherever she can even threatens him that she will kill herself ...thats been going on for years now -he doesnt love her anymore but he still feels he needs to help her and still hasnt got anywhere ! Please dont go down that same road-dont make yourself unhappy.

[lightningbolt]

yes, i am quite determined to keep her. i know this cannot be a long term solution. somethings gotta give. its either she learns to deal with her insecurities better, or her actions will eventually drive a wedge between us. also, when i say that, im not leaving her to deal with the situation herself. as i mentioned earlier, i also understand part of the problem is due to my insensitivity. i do dumb things, i say dumb things all the time. this is where i need to change myself too.

 

i guess im just reluctant to come to terms with the fact that this situation maybe a little to much for me to handle. that is why i took it upon myself all this while to fit her expectations. not because i saw anything inherently wrong with my behavior, but because i wanted to give full reassurance. its easy for me to walk away from this relationship. just tell myself that i dont deserve this, and i can find someone else who loves me just as much or even more without the over sensitivity. but i really dont want to choose that path. because i love this girl deeply. really deep. and also because i dont feel that i have given my all yet. lets face it. every relationship will have their own set of problems. it just depends on whether u are willing to face it and handle it in a mature manner. so i have steeled my resolve this time. im not quitting till its really hopeless.

 

my girl got a panic attack before. it was quite a bad experience for her...felt like she was going to die. it came about due to various factors that contributed to her stress. i guess this is compounded by her insecurities. or maybe its the other way round. but i see it as her not being able to handle the situation well. i want so much to help, to be the man she envisions me to be. but yet, i am slowly developing the notion that i just might not be the man for her cos nothing i say or do seem to make her even want to relent and try to understand for once my feelings about us. that the problem is not all me, but also hers.

[lightningbolt]

and yes, odchoi, to answer your other question, im always spending time with her. we work at the same company, so we see each other all the time. plus the fact that weekends are always spent together. hardly, almost never, with her or my friends though. although i have met her close friends, and she has met my pals too.

[reservoirdog1]

To answer the question at the title of your post: it's her insecurity.

 

You sound like a good guy, trapped in a situation with a highly oversensitive woman. The reality, my friend, is that you cannot change her. Nobody can change another person. Hell, changing yourself is incredibly difficult, and that's someone you have total control over.

 

Having read your posts, I honestly could not pick out one thing you described that could in any way justify her accusations or any of the controlling, obsessive traits she's displaying. You admit to being "insensitive" but, seriously, I didn't see that in what you wrote.

 

One thing my girl likes to do is to taunt me (whenever I made a mistake to her). if I walked too close to a girl for comfort, she will taunt me that she will do it back to me so that I will learn. Now of cos, I wouldn’t want that as well, so I naturally back down. Inevitably, I will always explain myself and tell her that I will not let this happen again. im like in a catch 22. I know she wouldn’t carry out her threat cos she said she wouldn’t stoop down to this “cheap” level.

 

This may sound mean, but what you described above is practically "bunny boiler" behaviour. WTF are you supposed to "learn" from the behaviour she doesn't like? To never walk within two feet of anybody female, for the rest of your life?

 

She has serious issues. It's very admirable that you want to help her through them. I'm not telling you what to do. But you should be VERY cautious and give it a LOT of thought before committing to anything more serious with her, e.g. moving in together, or getting married.

 

I know that I couldn't stay in that kind of situation, though.

[Enema]

You're reinforcing her belief that she was "right all along" when you acquiesce to her insecurities.

 

Things won't get better, they'll get worse as long as you keep letting her control you.

 

Time to make a stand, be a man and let her know that her actions are not ok and that she should seek professional help.

 

All thoughts of marriage should be off until she changes.

[A.G.Doren]

This is all very simple.

 

Your gf is still damaged from her previous relationships and not ready to be in a healthy relationship. She needs counseling and you need to break ties with her until the wounds from the previous relationships heal. Once those wounds heal then the two of you can be together and be happy, but the path she is on right now is only going to drive you away from her in the end.

 

I'm sorry, but that is the truth.

[twillight]

This is all very simple.

 

Your gf is still damaged from her previous relationships and not ready to be in a healthy relationship. She needs counseling and you need to break ties with her until the wounds from the previous relationships heal. Once those wounds heal then the two of you can be together and be happy, but the path she is on right now is only going to drive you away from her in the end.

 

I'm sorry, but that is the truth.

 

 

 

I got to agree with A.G -I mean youre relationship is still new and fresh Its quite possible that there will be more pressure on you as time moves on. For example youre not "allowed" to look at other women or get near them now....what do you think will it be like in a years time?

Iam sure she is a lovely girl and you seemed to be very fond of her,willing to fight for her but dont loose yourself ,your own identity.

[lightningbolt]

actually is there a basis for me to start thinking that i may be the problem? i mean, everything you know is from my perspective. this is what i feel. there is a chance that if my gf starts ranting here about what exactly made her so pissed on so many occasions, you guys will also see her point of view, that im an insensitive guy slut.

 

Catholic relativism is such a bitch.

[johan]

My ex pulled the same kind of stuff. The fact is you can't marry her like this.

 

All she is doing is putting up barriers and making up excuses why you must not be good enough. The reason she's doing this is to keep space in the relationship, because if she allows herself to really believe you're a good guy, then she has no excuse for not letting you in. If instead she turns on you and keeps arguments going she achieves 1) an excuse to keep you out, because you're such a creep, and 2) your own annoyance which inhibits you from trying as hard. Or at least she's thrown up enough obstacles for you to negotiate before you get to the point of really getting intimate with her.

 

You'll go the same path as I went, I promise you. You won't marry this girl. It's not possible. Go and read all my threads if you want to see for yourself. This is a behavior pattern that won't change unless some major upheaval occurs in her. And that's not going to happen in the environment your stable relationship provides. She's not capable of introspection as far as this goes. She'll never apologize for it. And everything you do or say will be used as evidence against you. If you deny it, she'll accuse you of being clever. If you break down and just admit to anything, she'll agree.

 

The other thing I know is that you'll ride this out. You've committed to her, and even though it means you're settling for less than you really want, you still won't give up until the last frayed little thread breaks.

 

My advice in this case is do not argue your case with her. Never argue. Change the subject as fast as you can. Don't try to convince her. What will happen is the conflicts will subside, but you'll also see a darker side of her. While she may learn not to attack you so much, she also won't provide the same amount of sweetness that would have occurred between arguments. She'll even out, and you'll wonder if she loves you for sure. She'll also mention breaking up in a sort of off-hand way, and her comments will show that she's prepared for it.

 

After it's all over, if you see her again, she'll tell you you were one of the best guys she was ever with. And you'll know it's true. But it won't change anything. Honestly, it would be best to let her go now. That is the only leverage you really have to get her to change, and I'd be surprised to find out it's enough.

[Lookingforward]

You may want to rethink your appraisal of your girl's character - none of THIS

her words are very very strong and hurtful. she will scold and tell me straight that there is something seriously wrong with my character, that i have no morals to be wanting to be close to other girls when im attached. its insulting, cos she says that my behavior is probably not something im even aware of cos people who are cheap and loose will never know that what they are doing is wrong

is anywhere near smart, kind or godly...........

 

and fwiw - are you absolutely positive her bad issues in past R WERE exactly what she said ? Maybe the cheating etc was all in her head........ I mean what would she say if YOU two broke up about your R ?

[lightningbolt]

holy **** johan. you seemed to have lived out what i am living out now. sounds like the exact same situation, the same scenarios, only difference is that you and your ex managed to go for counselling. i suppose that didnt help much? It sounded like your ex acknowledged she had a problem, and was open to seeking help for it. i am really curious what happened in the end? what was the breaking straw for you (or was it her)? pm me if your not comfortable man.

 

anyway we are on a good wave now. really sweet and just floating along till the next incident comes up. it appears that my girl knows what her faults are. she mentioned that she knows she is quick tempered and very insecure. i guess at least she can acknowledge she is part of the problem. But i seriously have no idea how long it will be before she starts misintepreting normal situations again. deep down, i think she wants to believe that im a reliable guy. but somehow, just like a panic attack, for some deep dark desire that you may not even be aware of, you just allow the anxiety and negative thoughts to override the logical side. is this a time dependent matter? The longer we are, the longer she has seen that im faithful, the lesser the situation becomes? she has told me before that im the best guy she has ever had. and i do believe her, given the jerks she has met previously.

[lightningbolt]

Lookingforward, i seriously hate this relativity thing heh. i have thought about that possibility..that her past problems were all in her head. cos whatever knowledge of her past relationships, i gained from her. i dont have an answer to that honestly. But, from what i have seen, from what she said, it does seem credible. and mind you, i am a pretty objective beast. so much so that i have gotten flak from her for always taking the opposite stance from her. so, i believe that the roots of the problem mainly stretch back to her horrible horrible relationship with that *******.

[Geishawhelk]

I used to work in an association that dealt with couples counselling and I'm gonna hit this with what I learnt to be absolutely true:

 

If people keep relying on past issues to excuse, or justify current behaviour, they effectively sabotage any possibility of moving forward.

 

Granted, the past is a great influence. It shapes the people we are today.

But here's the thing:

 

(This is a true story, but I forget names...)

 

A man and his sister, (let's call them Tom and Jane) both of whom had been violently physically and sexually abused by their father when young, grew to adulthood and ended up opening a Government-approved place of shelter for similarly abused youngsters.

One night, a violently drunken man turned up on their doorstep, demanding to both see his children (who were taking refuge there) and take them back home with him.

Tom eventually managed to subdue him, calm him down and sober him up.

The man began to pour out his heart about how he had suffered at the hands of his father, which was why he was abusive towards his own children.

Tom looked at him square in the face, calmly related his own despicably horrendous story, and ended by saying:

"I have never, ever been tempted to lay a single finger on my children, inspite of my past, so what the hell IS your excuse?"

 

The fact is, our past can give us plenty of reasons, but no excuses, and no justifications. Otherwise, it starts being a crutch, a prop, a useful thing to lean back on and use for any old thing to explain away why we are the way we are today.

It's crap.

 

The way we are today, is the way we are today, because we choose to be the way we are today.

 

(This is of course, barring serious and severe psychological problems and mental conditions. I take nothing away from counselling and therapy. I often recommend it. But this too, is not a prop. Its purpose is to help us shed the baggage, and let it go.)

 

Whatever we do, we choose our behaviour. We permit thoughts to take over and govern what we think say and do, but in actual fact, 95% of the time, we're lying to oursleves, because it really doesn't have to be this way.

It all begins in our head, with what we tell ourselves.

We teach people how to treat us, by our behaviour, attitudes and responses.

So if you both want to change the dynamics of your relationship - you can.

Apply your minds to changing the negative thoughts as they arise.

Reject them as being unacceptable.

It's actually a lot simpler than you think.

 

(By the way.... 'Simple' doesn't always mean 'Easy'.....)

[A.G.Doren]

actually is there a basis for me to start thinking that i may be the problem? i mean, everything you know is from my perspective. this is what i feel. there is a chance that if my gf starts ranting here about what exactly made her so pissed on so many occasions, you guys will also see her point of view, that im an insensitive guy slut.

 

Catholic relativism is such a bitch.

 

You are responsible in part. By staying the relationship you allow this woman to abuse you and play out this little psychosis of hers.

 

If you send her to counseling and break up with her now before the relationship just fall apart you may be able to reconnect with her later when and if her wounds heal.

 

I understand what you're going through. I met a great guy that I cared about very much who was still living too much in his past to go into the future with me eventually I had to accept that this just wasn't going to work, not now and possibly not ever.

[johan]

holy **** johan. you seemed to have lived out what i am living out now. sounds like the exact same situation, the same scenarios, only difference is that you and your ex managed to go for counselling. i suppose that didnt help much? It sounded like your ex acknowledged she had a problem, and was open to seeking help for it. i am really curious what happened in the end? what was the breaking straw for you (or was it her)? pm me if your not comfortable man.

 

My ex never acknowledged having a problem at all. When we went to counseling she was disappointed to find that the focus of the counselor was turning to her. That's when she started showing up later and later, and then just missing sessions.

 

anyway we are on a good wave now. really sweet and just floating along till the next incident comes up. it appears that my girl knows what her faults are. she mentioned that she knows she is quick tempered and very insecure. i guess at least she can acknowledge she is part of the problem. But i seriously have no idea how long it will be before she starts misintepreting normal situations again. deep down, i think she wants to believe that im a reliable guy. but somehow, just like a panic attack, for some deep dark desire that you may not even be aware of, you just allow the anxiety and negative thoughts to override the logical side. is this a time dependent matter? The longer we are, the longer she has seen that im faithful, the lesser the situation becomes? she has told me before that im the best guy she has ever had. and i do believe her, given the jerks she has met previously.

 

It's positive that your woman is able to be introspective about it. If you have any hope you can hang it on that. But she may never really give up on her fears.

 

Just try not to argue or debate or even discuss it when she gets like that. Change the subject as quickly as possible. If you want to discuss her problems, wait until her little storm subsides. I hope you can make it last with her. It's going to require a lot of patience and you'll have to swallow your pride quite a bit.

[lightningbolt]

last night, we fought and trashed over almost every thing that was bugging us. it was the roughest night for me in our relationship. roughest because i was dead sure i was going to tell her about what i think is the problem, and try to make her see my point, and i knew what was coming, and i braced myself for it, but i was determined not to back down and take everything upon myself.

 

for the longest time, i thought we hit a stalemate and were going nowhere. she was insistent that she was right, and i was trying to tell her that it could be due to her misinterpretation. to make things worse, everything i said just seemed to crumble like dust in front of her. my words couldn't stand up to hers. this is because for the time of our relationship, i basically agreed with her interpretation of things because i wanted to give full reassurance and cos i saw that i was insensitive too. well, naturally, when i started to introduce this new factor (her insecurity) in, it didnt sit down well with her at all. she saw that as me not learning from my past mistakes, as me being inconsistent, reneging on my word, and trying to push the blame to her now. she even said she wasnt sure whether what i was saying was the truth or not. frankly speaking, i got myself in a pretty f-up mess didnt i. it was a hole i dug for myself and there was no way out. i tried explaining why i did what i did, but she was sure that i was in the wrong.

 

now the incident in question involves a female co-worker. we had a few exchanges before in the past, and i did a dumb thing which amounted to a playful childish act (like tit for tat between 2 pre-schoolers). yes it was a silly act that grownups shouldnt have done, but i did (i admit, it was immature to do that, albeit it was without ulterior intentions), in the presence of my girlfriend. she thought that it was insensitive to do that especially in front of her, and i misled the co-worker into thinking that it was alright to get close to me subsequently. That was a root cause of what triggered her insecurity towards me. now, my girl really draws very clear lines and absolutely hates her man being physically close to a girl or mislead them. and she said there were occasions when I was really close to girls. I am an easy going person who forgets easily and do not like taking things to heart. If a girl brushed against me or vice versa or whatever, I would just brush it off. So it is possible that I did what she said I did without even realizing it myself, simply because it wasn’t something I would care about previously. in short, I was being insensitive to her feelings wasn’t I?

 

for a while we couldn’t progress cos I felt helpless. If I admitted (which I initially did), then it proves she is right, if I deny it, I am an inconsistent ******* who couldn’t make up my mind on what I think is right or wrong. And I felt like strangling her cos I was trying to get her see the bigger picture instead, but she was refusing to take whatever answer I gave her cos she probably just felt like I got away too easy with my mistakes. Nothing could be good enough. In the end, I knew my actions have triggered her insecurities. And this is exacerbated by her original insecurities already, so its all a downhill slope from there. So I admitted to playing a big part in pushing all her buttons. Once that got out of the way, i was able to reason with her that this is a self-feeding problem. Because of how insecure she was, and how I pushed her buttons, certain situations could have been misinterpreted by her. and she agreed that there were occasions when she accused me of things I didn’t do. I guess this can be a positive isn’t it? she will try to block out the negative thoughts, and I will do my utmost to stop being so insensitive.

 

I know she is highly sensitive, so I am trying to meet high standards here. I know my insensitive here probably do not fit some people’s yardstick, but I feel like I have gotten some headway at least, so I will keep working on it. I finally stuck enough guts out to let her know on what I feel about the hurtful and insulting comments she uses on me each time she gets upset over the same issue, and she agreed to be less harsh. I think there were times when I caught her as well, when I gave her a taste of what she gave me, so she backed down. I am not sure how successful this will be, but I am hoping for the best. Obviously comments telling me that I should leave her are not going to work, because I am seeing a light now at least. She knows she has to shoulder part of the responsibility, and that we both have to work at it if we want this mess to stop perpetuating. Has anyone of you have a highly sensitive girlfriend or wife before, and your relationship could work? Or am I just sinking deeper into the hole. Are there any success stories before?[/FONT]

[johan]

It's strange how all the women with this kind of issue behave the same. You're fighting an uphill battle, and the hill is as long as she wants to make it. And she'll always make it one step farther than you are willing to go. I recommend you stay off the hill. Just like you realized there is nothing you can say, you'll realize there is also nothing you can do, and sooner or later you'll see that she's not changing at all.

 

She can admit to her insecurities all day, if you want. But what you know in your heart is that a woman in love would be taking some quick action to get them resolved. But she won't. As long as you hang in there, you're automatically removing any incentive you might be able to provide to get her to get started. And if you leave her, you just play into her "you're a jerk" hand.

 

Trust me, this girl has the disorder. You aren't part of the solution.

[Trialbyfire]

Be careful lightningbolt! From what I've seen, this type of person can pass on her issues to you so you'll find yourself dealing with life the same way she does. Know that these are her issues and if things don't work out, try not to project these issues onto future partners. It can seriously mess with your head to the point where you can't have a functional relationship with anyone!