I thought I had it figured out...

[NoWhereMan]

My apologies for this long post…and I hope I chose the right forum. Some of you may have seen my other post under another forum here, but in case you did not, a short synopsis follows, but let me first say that I am here looking for perspective and advice from those who may have been in a similar situation.

 

I have not been happy in my marriage, and during this time I was tempted to try and start an affair (for the first time in my life) with a married, former co-worker. I have known her for a few years and we were friends in the workplace with no other overtones during that time. I am in my mid-forties and she is in her early thirties (we're about 15 years apart). After I changed jobs last year, I came to believe she too was not happy in her marriage; we kept in periodic contact via email and saw each other at a few events. During this time she mentioned a desire to move back to the East Coast (we are out West;born and raised here); she has made a few trips there (twice this year) and plans to go again when she can afford it. Ultimately, I did not do anything and kept my desire silent. After some counseling, I realized I needed to address my own issues before doing something stupid. So, I backed off and worked on me. Looking back, I felt that I may have been misinterpreting signs of attraction from her. They were probably more like signs of being a friend who wanted to stay in touch. Anyway, after much soul searching, counseling, and the like and independent of anything to do with her, I had decided to begin the process of ending my marriage. I came to the conclusion that I needed to start living my life without any ties or commitments. I am open to see if the future holds the chance of me finding someone again, but I am not in a hurry. I have learned (and continue to learn) a lot about myself, the relationships and two marriages I have had, what attracted me to important women in my life, and much, much more.

 

These leads me to the present: things were starting to stabilize pretty well for me emotionally up until very recently. I received an email from her under the pretense of something unrelated in which she went on to announce she was leaving her husband due to incompatibility. She indicated that when things settle down, she would like to get together for lunch or something. As I read this, I felt a jolt of feelings which I did not expect at all. I felt an opportunity for something to develop possibly in the future. Then, I read further, and my heart sank. Totally unexpected feeling. She stated that she is planning to move back East, that part I understood, but then she said she has a new friend that she met back East on a recent trip and she made a point to say that they are “just friends” but she will hopefully be back there for a long visit in the coming months. Those words and a few others in that email string are the ones that hit me for some reason…I may not be the brightest guy, but I know that these words mean she likely found a romantic connection. She then reiterated again that she would like to get together with me for a lunch or something but who knows when this will happen since her life is in the throws of starting the divorce. That too, I understand and am in no hurry.

 

As I said, I am comfortable with my life path that is happening now and her message has me confused and wondering again. Does she have feelings for me? Or am I yet again reading more into this than there maybe? Part of me thinks she sees me as a friend; but then why the repeated comments in her message saying she really wants to see me? I am one not to see myself with younger women and I felt that someone near or about my age would be my partner in life reagrdless; none the less, the age difference is something that doesn't bother me for some reason although it could bother her? I know that this new East Coast friend (Long Distance Relationship?) of hers may or may not turn out to be anything. But then I find myself asking, is she attracted to this person and do these long distance/just-starting-the-divorce relationships typically work? Why did she gloss over that comment in the message and instead come out and say something like “I met someone new that may lead to something?” I am guessing that she has some feeling of just getting away, far away and starting anew. But, how could she be attracted to someone she may have met only briefly (and communicated over email)? It really comes down to this - this recent event with her brought out feelings for her that I did not realize I have and I am trying to figure out why.

 

I have decided that regardless of what happens, I would not try and “rescue” her. I agreed to meet with her but only when she is ready; I do not want her to feel that I am pushing her into anything and told her that I am here for her as a friend when she is ready. She will likely be around for another year or two before she can make the move since she has a teenager still in school and for the life of me, I can't see her abandoning him. Unless I get some balance and understanding as to my current feelings of her, I am feeling it will be hard for me to be her friend over these next months, and that is all I want to be for now. I am afraid that unless I can focus on being her friend, I may have to tell her that I cannot talk to her anymore, and if she were to ask why, I think I would tell her that it’s because I may be developing feelings for her beyond friendship.

 

I appreciate any advice or feedback.

[Mr. Lucky]

But, how could she be attracted to someone she may have met only briefly (and communicated over email)? It really comes down to this - this recent event with her brought out feelings for her that I did not realize I have and I am trying to figure out why.

I think that, understandably enough, the demise of your marriage has skewed your perspective. She sounds like a chatty, friendly work colleague. I have several female friends that I have similar professional relationships with. Be very careful in any attempt to read any more into her email - one does not normally tell someone they have a romantic interest in about their excitement over meeting another man.

 

If you're at a point where you're interested in a relationship, might be better to look for someone that is more geographically and emotionally available. Romance is hard enough without all the additional complications of recent separations and LDR's...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

you seem to be a man that is recognizing his feelings and the role you play in this whole scenario.

 

the way i see it - you have two choices:

 

1. since you are most likely in a position of ending your marriage as much as she is - you can step back and watch her move away or;

 

2. you can take a risk and see if you may have a deeper appreciation for your friendship than you have previously acknowledged - while she is still living here

 

i suppose it depends if you are willing to take the risk... the worst that could happen is that you've tried and either embraced a very nice gal to date (with the possibility that she may not end up moving) or she ultimately ends up moving anyway and you are left behind with the pain.

 

are you even in a position to put your heart on the line knowing it could cause you emotional pain?

[NoWhereMan]

Slept on this...Thanks for the feedback. I do need to bring perspective back into my life, and I need to try and not make assumptions from emails. I must have read 50 times the other day the dozen or so messages from her that I got over these last few months. I waffled between thinking if she was interested in me, then would not there have been more contacts?...to:she is not interested in that kind of way, her messages do not convey any interest.... back to: but she said things like she can't wait to see me. Then to make myself crazy, I began to remember the little actions that she did that seemed much more than friend like. Finally, I slapped myself back to reality and stopped this cycle (for now).

 

At some point, I will decide if I feel like taking the risk. I have done it before in past relationships, and have been hurt. Despite my typical male fear of rejection, I pick myself up off the floor and try again. But if my past behavior serves as an example, if and when the time comes, I will likely put myself back into my old habit of analyzing (over-analyzing) all of those messages,every little word or expression she gave before I try to ask her out. This is one of my faults, I seem to have to have some assurance of interest if you will from the opposite sex before I make any overtures. I do not mean that a wink or a smile is a sign; I look for words (back to the emails I guess), and actions (e.g. several instances of prolonged eye contact).

 

All of this is still so new for me, and I keep telling myself to be patient; time is on my side; its too soon for me (and her); our wounds are fresh;we need to heal; etc. I keep repeating that mantra but it is still hard for me to not think about her.

[Billy Bob]

You are fooling yourself.. Age difference doesn't matter? It doesn't matter to the older person. So, you are ~45 and she is 30.. you are an old guy to her. Can you see yourself getting into a relationship with a 60 year old woman.. same thing..

[Billy Bob]

Wisdom of an older man

 

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course,sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

[TrustInYourself]

Your age means nothing. Is life not a big risk? Why not take a chance if you have feelings for this woman? I would have laughed about the other man on the east. Seriously, why would she ask you to lunch? Why would she communicate her marriage situation? Do you think that's just coincidence?

 

Only a loser would shy away from contacting a woman that they have feelings for. Do not fear the unknown. Embrace it.

[TrustInYourself]

Slept on this...Thanks for the feedback. I do need to bring perspective back into my life, and I need to try and not make assumptions from emails. I must have read 50 times the other day the dozen or so messages from her that I got over these last few months. I waffled between thinking if she was interested in me, then would not there have been more contacts?...to:she is not interested in that kind of way, her messages do not convey any interest.... back to: but she said things like she can't wait to see me. Then to make myself crazy, I began to remember the little actions that she did that seemed much more than friend like. Finally, I slapped myself back to reality and stopped this cycle (for now).

 

At some point, I will decide if I feel like taking the risk. I have done it before in past relationships, and have been hurt. Despite my typical male fear of rejection, I pick myself up off the floor and try again. But if my past behavior serves as an example, if and when the time comes, I will likely put myself back into my old habit of analyzing (over-analyzing) all of those messages,every little word or expression she gave before I try to ask her out. This is one of my faults, I seem to have to have some assurance of interest if you will from the opposite sex before I make any overtures. I do not mean that a wink or a smile is a sign; I look for words (back to the emails I guess), and actions (e.g. several instances of prolonged eye contact).

 

All of this is still so new for me, and I keep telling myself to be patient; time is on my side; its too soon for me (and her); our wounds are fresh;we need to heal; etc. I keep repeating that mantra but it is still hard for me to not think about her.

 

If it's percieved than it's real. Don't overanalyze. Be yourself. Everything else will come naturally.

[NoWhereMan]

Your age means nothing. Is life not a big risk? Why not take a chance if you have feelings for this woman? I would have laughed about the other man on the east. Seriously, why would she ask you to lunch? Why would she communicate her marriage situation? Do you think that's just coincidence?

 

I agree TrustInYourself, age means nothing. Contrary to cta7978, I personally know of three couples, all of whom are still married, where the husband is between 10 - 20 years older. Heck, my own grandfather was 14 years older than my grandmother.

 

Your message also made me think it was more than a coincidence when she said that comment about her split, and yet she still asked me several times to get together. I need to Stop with the analyzing.

[TrustInYourself]

I agree TrustInYourself, age means nothing. Contrary to cta7978, I personally know of three couples, all of whom are still married, where the husband is between 10 - 20 years older. Heck, my own grandfather was 14 years older than my grandmother.

 

Your message also made me think it was more than a coincidence when she said that comment about her split, and yet she still asked me several times to get together. I need to Stop with the analyzing.

 

Don't analyze, but don't be brash and impulsive. You don't strike me as someone who jumps to conclusions and that's probably a good thing. Just play it cool. Who knows what she's trying to convey by contacting you. The only thing you know, is that you enjoy interacting and being with this woman. So why not do that?

 

Are you still married? That is something to consider since your wife should know about your feelings for this other woman. It's unfair to your wife if you are planning on making a romantic move on another woman. Don't be a dirtbag about it.

[NoWhereMan]

Don't analyze, but don't be brash and impulsive. You don't strike me as someone who jumps to conclusions and that's probably a good thing. Just play it cool. Who knows what she's trying to convey by contacting you. The only thing you know, is that you enjoy interacting and being with this woman. So why not do that?

 

Are you still married? That is something to consider since your wife should know about your feelings for this other woman. It's unfair to your wife if you are planning on making a romantic move on another woman. Don't be a dirtbag about it.

 

Good points. I will definitely not be a dirt bag...that is not my nature.

[soda]

Pursuing her will make you a dirtbag. It sounds like you already had an impact on her marriage.

 

It also sounds like she ain't that into you. If she were, she wouldn't tell you about the other guy that she's "just friends" with.

 

I think you need some time alone to figure out what you want. Your posts don't suggest that you know right now.

[sunshinegirl]

I think Mr. Lucky has it spot-on.

 

I highly doubt she is interested. Don't overanalyze a simple statement of excitement to see you, especially in the broader context of very little contact over the months/years and an explicit mention of another guy. It sounds like she is trying to warn you that she's not romantically interested - she may have mentioned all this precisely because she figured out that you had interest in her at one point.

[Billy Bob]

I agree TrustInYourself, age means nothing. Contrary to cta7978, I personally know of three couples, all of whom are still married, where the husband is between 10 - 20 years older. Heck, my own grandfather was 14 years older than my grandmother.

 

Your message also made me think it was more than a coincidence when she said that comment about her split, and yet she still asked me several times to get together. I need to Stop with the analyzing.

 

Well, there are plenty of single 60 year old chicks out there then.. I know of one who just had hip surgury and has a brand new walker.. want me to introduce her? She's only 15 years older right? Liz Taylor has had lots of relationships with younger guys..

 

Dude.. your 45.. this 30 YO chick is not interested - you are dillusional. Seriously, how many 60-65 YO chicks are you thinking of dating? As 10-20 years difference is not an issue to you..

[soda]

Well, there are plenty of single 60 year old chicks out there then.. I know of one who just had hip surgury and has a brand new walker.. want me to introduce her? She's only 15 years older right? Liz Taylor has had lots of relationships with younger guys..

 

Dude.. your 45.. this 30 YO chick is not interested - you are dillusional. Seriously, how many 60-65 YO chicks are you thinking of dating? As 10-20 years difference is not an issue to you..

 

 

I completely agree. At best, she probably sees him as a father figure. NoWhereMan, I think you're reading way too much into this woman's vague "let's do lunch sometime."

 

I'm sure that the age difference means something to her...unless she's a gold digger and you're rolling in cash.

[TrustInYourself]

Ask her straight up. End the mystery.

[NoWhereMan]

cta 7978, it is evident that you have some unresolved issues dealing with age difference. Whatever the source of your bitterness is, I hope that you are able to manage it and move on.

 

My relationship with the 30 year old may or may evolve past friendship; I may or may not get involved with another younger woman at some point. I am open to these possibilities in the future.

 

As for now, I am comfortable working on me. The comfort of my friends and my children, as well as my therapist keeping me focused, is sustaining me through this period of my life.

[soda]

I said that I wouldn't be back for a while, but I've found that being here is somewhat therapeutic during a very difficult time for me and my kids.

 

NoWhereMan...for your sake, please be realistic about things. I'm sure that it feels good to have the attention of a much younger woman. It probably adds to your feelings to have someone to confide in.

 

However, I think you're setting yourself up for some painful realities. You might serve as a temporary rebound mate until she figures out what she wants in life. (You mentioned that she's strongly considering moving back east.)

 

Eventually, though, she's going to realize the age difference, even if you don't. There is a reason that we don't routinely see 45 year old men with 30 year wives. There is almost always a difference in energy, emotional experience, and life goals. There is also the fact that she's entering her sexual peak, and...let's face it...most men steaming toward 50 are heading down the other side of the mountain when it comes to sex.

 

I think that a part of you thinks it would be "neat" to have a young partner. Heck, I don't blame you. I just think you need to be more realistic. You're looking at a woman who appears to be at crossroads of her life. She wouldn't be telling you about her male friend out east if she was really considering you an option at her fork in the road.

 

Find someone with a more similar life experience to you. There's nothing sadder than a male cougar.

[sharebear823]

My husband and I are separated now (and possibly getting back together, although uncertain.) When we met, I was 24 and he was 37.

 

One of the hardest things for us was bridging that 13-year age gap! This was a major problem for us socially and culturally. We had nothing in common with each others' friends, and we didn't have a shared bank of experiences growing up, so it was very awkward in social settings.

 

We never could agree on music. (He listened to "elevator music," I thought, and he couldn't stand that '80's pop...well, in fairness, no one could!)

 

Our careers were at completely different levels.

 

Much of the time, I felt more like his daughter than his wife.

 

When we had kids together, most people assumed he was their grandfather!

 

Now that we're both older, (I'm almost 47 and he's nearly 60) it may not be as much of an issue socially or culturally. However, if we do get back together, he has slowed down a lot more than I have physically, and I know it's going to bother me not to be able to play tennis with him or go for bike rides, etc. I will have to look to other, younger friends for that.

 

I think you need to focus on separating from your wife right now, and taking up with someone else can seem to be a huge, very welcome distraction from all of the pain and heartache that separating will entail. I'm sure that is partly why you would like to get involved with this woman. I think it's possible she is looking to do the same thing. However, I think the two of you could be letting yourselves in for some difficulty just because of the emotional overload you are both having to carry on your backs right now. It is better, I think, to regain your perspective and equilibrium before jumping into another relationship, if possible. I know it's really hard and you're struggling, and wish you all the best as you navigate this path.

[soda]

My husband and I are separated now (and possibly getting back together, although uncertain.) When we met, I was 24 and he was 37.

 

One of the hardest things for us was bridging that 13-year age gap! This was a major problem for us socially and culturally. We had nothing in common with each others' friends, and we didn't have a shared bank of experiences growing up, so it was very awkward in social settings.

 

We never could agree on music. (He listened to "elevator music," I thought, and he couldn't stand that '80's pop...well, in fairness, no one could!)

 

Our careers were at completely different levels.

 

Much of the time, I felt more like his daughter than his wife.

 

When we had kids together, most people assumed he was their grandfather!

 

Now that we're both older, (I'm almost 47 and he's nearly 60) it may not be as much of an issue socially or culturally. However, if we do get back together, he has slowed down a lot more than I have physically, and I know it's going to bother me not to be able to play tennis with him or go for bike rides, etc. I will have to look to other, younger friends for that.

 

I think you need to focus on separating from your wife right now, and taking up with someone else can seem to be a huge, very welcome distraction from all of the pain and heartache that separating will entail. I'm sure that is partly why you would like to get involved with this woman. I think it's possible she is looking to do the same thing. However, I think the two of you could be letting yourselves in for some difficulty just because of the emotional overload you are both having to carry on your backs right now. It is better, I think, to regain your perspective and equilibrium before jumping into another relationship, if possible. I know it's really hard and you're struggling, and wish you all the best as you navigate this path.

 

Well stated. This is exactly what I was trying to say. 30 year old woman will probably seek out younger friends, too...ones who can keep up with her. Since she is not your wife, you will be be lucky to be a rebound at best...and more emotionally scarred at the end than you are now.

[soda]

It's funny how he disappeared when he didn't get the validation he was looking for.

 

I guess he'll just find out the hard way...that is, if that 30 year old woman actually feels for him what HE believes she does.

[TrustInYourself]

The lesson here is never trust 30 year old women. Period.

[SingleDad]

Yikes - I married my wife when she was 30 years old - 30 MUST be a curse !!!