Guilt and breaking up

[reservoirdog1]

Hi all... my relationship with my live-in GF of 9 months is coming to an end. It's at my instigation. She has two kids (3 and 10) from previous relationships, who are with us full time, almost. I have two kids (7 and 10) from a previous relationship, who are with us 2-3 days per week.

 

Prior to moving in together, I'd lived alone (with my kids 2-3 days per week) for almost 4 years.

 

At times since the beginning of the year, and with greater intensity and frequency in the last two months or so, I've been feeling like this relationship isn't what I want my life to look like. GF and I have had a number of fights (non-physical) about several issues. We've had a few almost-breakups this year alone.

 

The things that make me unhappy in the relationship:

 

1) 99% of my life is divided between work, family time (her, me, and at least one of the kids), and sleep. There's been not very much time for just her and me. But also -- and more and more importantly -- there’s very little room for “me” time.

 

2) Lots of stresses, originating from "her side" of the relationship. She has chronic health issues that have reduced her ability to work full time, so the financial burden has been mostly on me. This has gradually been improving, but I have debts left over from my marriage that I've not been able to get paid down at all ever since moving in together, because I've been supporting us. And every month, we're scraping the bottom of the barrel until payday, which I wasn't doing before we moved in together. She has a looming legal battle with the father of her youngest, which is going to cause expense and stress. Her car has chronic problems, and I don't have money sitting there to help her buy a new one -- all I could do is go further into debt.

 

3) She goes through periodic depression and mood swings, that can be tough to deal with.

 

4) We both left our old communities when we moved in together. She desperately wants to be in her old community again because she feels isolated where we are. I miss my old community, my friends, and I don’t like being so far from the centre of my kids' lives. The two communities of origin are about 40 minutes apart.

 

5) She finds having all 4 kids very stressful a lot of work, which of course it is, and says she sometimes “dreads” having all four, and that when my kids have gone back to their mother, it takes all week to get caught up. (This isn't her slagging my kids -- it's an acknowledgment about how much extra work it is having four kids.) But we have hers almost all the time, and they can’t easily go anywhere. And I feel like I’m too removed from my kids' lives as it is.

 

6) I’m cut off from my friends. She can’t relate to most of my friends, and we have only one couple who are our common friends. Which means I have to see my friends on my “me” time. Which there’s precious little of.

 

7) She acknowledges that I need more "me" time, but when I've sought that in the past, it's often caused fights or problems.

 

This isn't to say that I don't care about her, or that I don't care about her kids. I do. And I do love them. And her and her kids love me a lot. And because I've made this decision, she's really laying on the guilt about how many people's lives I'm going to damage because I don't want to work on this.

 

I'm well aware of that, believe me. My kids will be hurt too. But I simply don't feel like this is the life I want. I'm in a life I don't want to be in. I could try faking it for the benefit of everybody, but how fair would that be? I'm profoundly dissatisfied, and I don't feel like I'll be able to commit to her in the way she wants. I feel like the best thing I can do (of a really crappy set of alternatives) is to end the relationship and just be on my own.

 

But I know I'm hurting others in the process -- her, her kids, and my kids. And of course, I feel guilty as hell.

 

Has anybody been through something similar? Can anybody relate? Any thoughts, words of wisdom, etc.?

 

Thanks, everybody.

[Hopelessly_Devoted]

you need to do what makes you happy, but will you regret your decsion in the end?

 

is there something that can be done to acheive what you want in your relationship?

[reservoirdog1]

you need to do what makes you happy, but will you regret your decsion in the end?

 

is there something that can be done to acheive what you want in your relationship?

 

Right now, I don't feel like I will. I just feel like I'll regret causing her more pain down the road.

 

This feels crappy to say, but I don't feel the way I think I should about somebody I'd otherwise be marrying. I do love her, and I do care about her... but in all honesty, I CAN imagine my life without being in a relationship with her. And that prospect doesn't fill me with dread.

 

I've been married before -- twelve years ago -- and in the leadup to that, I was hopelessly in love with my then-fiancee. What's ironic, I suppose, is that my then-fiancee -- now my XW -- had huge misgivings about marrying me. When the marriage came to an end, she told me that, at the time we married, she knew she didn't feel about me the way she should. But she went through with it anyway, had several affairs (including one during the engagement and another within weeks of the wedding), and faked happiness very convincingly for seven years. When the truth came out, I was blindsided and totally devastated. I felt like I'd been comprehensively deceived and cheated out of seven years of my life. Fortunately I'm beyond all of that now and my feelings on that are resolved.

 

But what it has convinced me of is that it would be wrong of me to keep my GF hanging, and hurt her and the kids more, in the hopes that I'll feel differently.

 

Which doesn't go anywhere towards making me feel like less of a shyt.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Can you honestly say that if you walk away now, you will have earned your way out of this relationship?

 

Meaning - did you try, make an effort, and do what you needed to do to exhaust all avenues before you ended things?

 

If so, then leave. You aren't doing her - or yourself - any favors.

 

Obviously you're a grown up, but it sounds like things moved AWFULLY fast here - I'm guessing it must have been pretty intense in the beginning. Have both of you done the emotional work to process why your last relationships ended? I'm just asking, because moving this quickly (living together so soon) is usually a sign that there's some pain and need there that hasn't been addressed, so you get caught up in the whirlwind of a new relationship so you can be part of something (and have those feelings) again. I'm just suggesting (if this is the case) that you work through the process emotionally before you embark on your next relationship - particularly since there are kids involved.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

[reservoirdog1]

Actually, we met in spring of 2006, broke up for 2 months in September-October 2006, and moved in together October 2007.

 

We had a couple of near-breakups in the year before moving in together. We've had several near-breakups since moving in together, all since January. We've been to counselling several times since January, individually and together. One of the questions I posted on LS several months ago was, "how much fighting is normal in a relationship"? Obviously there's no concrete answer. I do know that I feel that, even though I do love her and care about her, and even though there is attraction and affection, my feelings just aren't enough to override my huge apprehension and enable me to make a commitment. I feel like committing further -- i.e. marrying -- would simply etch in stone exactly what we have now, with all its problems. I feel wrung out, tired of all the stress and drama, and long for peace.

 

I have no desire to get out and date other people... what I'm really craving, it seems, is the time, space and freedom to work on myself. To get back to the gym again. To focus on my kids and my work. To re-integrate myself into my kids' lives from a home that's closer to where they live the majority of the time. To pay down debts and build for the future. To re-connect with friends that I've become so disconnected from in the last nine months. And more than anything, to simply be my own person again, and be happy.

 

I just wish I didn't have to hurt her in the process.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Oh wow, ok. Well, it sounds like you've definitely processed this, done some work and are leaving for yourself. You aren't running to someone else, or running from the relationship, you have a clear goal about what you want and need.

 

This is going to be tough, I don't envy the break, but it sounds like the best thing. It doesn't sound like this would be a shock to her, so sit her down and just tell her how you really feel.

 

Good luck.

[reservoirdog1]

Yeah, already did that, and we're hip-deep in the pain. One of our differences has been that after each fight, she figures it's been resolved and wants to revert back to how things are, happy, affectionate, etc. For me, they compound at least partially. She thinks that I'm throwing away something with great potential. And there are definitely components of the relationship that are great. But I just can't keep going through this. I feel that a healthy relationship wouldn't be like this, with this much stress and drama, and with so many near breakups.

 

I think I mentioned that the latest of these near-breakups was on Sunday morning; we spent the day apart, spoke on the phone a bit later in a manner that seemed to confirm it as the best thing, she got a paper to look for apartments. Then later we spoke and she asked me to come back. I felt horribly apprehensive the whole way home. But I came back and we talked. We went out briefly to her daughter's friend's place to pick up her daughter that evening, and I felt like I had to force my arms and legs to move and force my mouth to form words. I felt like crap yesterday at work, came home, and we had a very detailed talk which seemed to nail down that we couldn't continue. She'd broken it to her kids that we were going to part ways. We both cried, and agreed to do a smooth and gradual transition over the coming weeks. This morning we both awoke early and talked more, and she was backtracking, wanting to know if I really wanted to end it. I told her I did. We talked again a couple of hours ago and that was the same outcome. As of this moment, she's very hurt and angry, and feels (as expressed by text message) that I'm simply running off to have fun while leaving her and her kids in hell. Which is hardly the case, but it's not as though I can rationally and logically argue the point.

 

This sucks....

[justine4]

Actually, we met in spring of 2006, broke up for 2 months in September-October 2006, and moved in together October 2007.

 

We had a couple of near-breakups in the year before moving in together. We've had several near-breakups since moving in together, all since January. We've been to counselling several times since January, individually and together. One of the questions I posted on LS several months ago was, "how much fighting is normal in a relationship"? Obviously there's no concrete answer. I do know that I feel that, even though I do love her and care about her, and even though there is attraction and affection, my feelings just aren't enough to override my huge apprehension and enable me to make a commitment. I feel like committing further -- i.e. marrying -- would simply etch in stone exactly what we have now, with all its problems. I feel wrung out, tired of all the stress and drama, and long for peace.

 

I have no desire to get out and date other people... what I'm really craving, it seems, is the time, space and freedom to work on myself. To get back to the gym again. To focus on my kids and my work. To re-integrate myself into my kids' lives from a home that's closer to where they live the majority of the time. To pay down debts and build for the future. To re-connect with friends that I've become so disconnected from in the last nine months. And more than anything, to simply be my own person again, and be happy.

 

I just wish I didn't have to hurt her in the process.

 

You'll hurt her more in the long run if this runs on and on and could eventually turns into resenting her for holding you back in life. Reading your original post sounds like there is already resentment building up.

 

You sound like you've both really tried hard with to make things work. Thats a lot of councelling you've both gone through to work it through, and yet, you're still feeling the way you do.

 

Maybe you do need to face the music, explain to her exactly what your feelings and misgivings are and decide the next step?

 

Life is short. Far too short to be so unhappy. It sounds like you feel suffocated with the situation you're in at the moment, and the longer it goes on, the worse it could get.

 

Oh wow, ok. Well, it sounds like you've definitely processed this, done some work and are leaving for yourself. You aren't running to someone else, or running from the relationship, you have a clear goal about what you want and need.

 

This is going to be tough, I don't envy the break, but it sounds like the best thing. It doesn't sound like this would be a shock to her, so sit her down and just tell her how you really feel.

 

Good luck.

 

I agree 100% Crestfallen.

[mark982]

if you're miserable.end it. no looking back. in the long run you'll be alot happier.

[Ladyjane14]

You've had misgivings about this relationship from the beginning, RD. Unfortunately, you've allowed the circumstances surrounding the relationship to set the pace rather than setting the one which is most comfortable to you. That's an understandable mistake. You're a good guy afterall.

And there are little people involved. Bills need to be paid. Your girlfriend has health problems, etc.

 

When you get right down to brass tacks though... you're being pushed faster than you want to go. And that's been the continuing pattern throughout the relationship. Probably the source of the fights too.

 

No matter how much you might like this woman and her kids, ultimately it's not YOU who's responsible for them. That sounds callous, I know. But it's true nonetheless. You're being treated like a husband and father, but you've NEVER really signed on for the job... mind, body, and soul. It's been foisted upon you by necessity by and the mundane realities of daily life.

 

You're not a bad man if you want to put the brakes on.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say you have a responsibility to yourself and to your own children to make certain of your course. It's no good for anyone if you become a mere spectator in your own life. You won't be happy with that and neither will the people surrounding you. Don't forget, as a father, you have a leadership role to model for your kids.. and your responsibility to them is without question..

[reservoirdog1]

Good points, everybody. I appreciate the time and thoughts.

 

One of the components of her personality is neediness. Which is okay in some forms because it manifests as affection. But it also manifests in the form of clinginess and insecurity, which has been part of many of our fights. Last night I finally went home (ended up sleeping in my daughter's room in the basement). She and I talked a lot, she cried a lot. As the conversation went on she got her composure back, started trying to console me, bargaining, saying that she'd work hard to change, things will get better, etc. But I don't have faith that people can change who they are fundamentally. I just don't think I'm going to be happy being in a relationship with her. And right now, because of what I need from my life, I feel like if I stay with her, I'm going to fall further into that rut of "postponing happiness", hoping for the kind of life I need but never arrives.

 

Two weeks ago was the approximate date of our second most recent blowup. (The most recent was this past Sunday.) After that blowup, I went away for a 3-day weekend on a planned trip to my parents' place, with my two kids. She and I did speak by phone while I was away.

 

Things seemed forced and strained when I got back. Last night, she asked me if, during that weekend away, I'd felt a sense of relief to be away from her. I answered honestly that I had felt that way. And she responded that she'd felt the same way somewhat.

 

Since then we had the big blowup on the most recent Saturday, which led to the near-breakup on Sunday. Which has now become a real breakup.

 

I don't know exactly why I'm typing this, but I appreciate everybody's patience with me.

[justine4]

Good points, everybody. I appreciate the time and thoughts.

 

One of the components of her personality is neediness. Which is okay in some forms because it manifests as affection. But it also manifests in the form of clinginess and insecurity, which has been part of many of our fights. Last night I finally went home (ended up sleeping in my daughter's room in the basement). She and I talked a lot, she cried a lot. As the conversation went on she got her composure back, started trying to console me, bargaining, saying that she'd work hard to change, things will get better, etc. But I don't have faith that people can change who they are fundamentally. I just don't think I'm going to be happy being in a relationship with her. And right now, because of what I need from my life, I feel like if I stay with her, I'm going to fall further into that rut of "postponing happiness", hoping for the kind of life I need but never arrives.

 

Two weeks ago was the approximate date of our second most recent blowup. (The most recent was this past Sunday.) After that blowup, I went away for a 3-day weekend on a planned trip to my parents' place, with my two kids. She and I did speak by phone while I was away.

 

Things seemed forced and strained when I got back. Last night, she asked me if, during that weekend away, I'd felt a sense of relief to be away from her. I answered honestly that I had felt that way. And she responded that she'd felt the same way somewhat.

 

Since then we had the big blowup on the most recent Saturday, which led to the near-breakup on Sunday. Which has now become a real breakup.

 

I don't know exactly why I'm typing this, but I appreciate everybody's patience with me.

 

You're typing it because getting it off your chest helps. Your world is changing and things can be scary. It does help to vent.

 

Its very sad what you're going through. A lot of people stay together even though they are incredibly unhappy. Facing things and admitting they aren't working is a brave thing. Especially when children are involved, theres added pressure to stay and not put them through a seperation. However, growing up in an environment that isn't happy, can only do more harm to them in the long run.

[reservoirdog1]

Since the breakup on July 7, XGF has been very up-and-down in terms of her emotional state. Not surprising of course; I was the same way after splitting from my ex-wife.

 

Things actually seemed to be moving in the right direction last week; I had to go over to the house to pick up some things. I helped XGF move some furniture around, and XGF seemed to be doing okay. Things were actually fairly pleasant between us.

 

The landlords are working on renting out the basement, and the plan has been that XGF is going to stay in the top floor for now. I was going to help her out with her rent for about six months.

 

Saturday morning, however, I get an email from her. In it she describes me as "cruel" and "dangerous" and says she hates me for hurting her. It's not the first time I've received emails from her containing fairly crappy attacks on my character. I wrote a few responses but didn't send them. That evening, she sent an apology, which is her usual pattern (shytty attacking email, followed later by an apology).

 

However, on Sunday, after letting things sit all day and having my concentration completely shot (I was at work trying to get ready for a big commitment the following day), I sent her an email saying that I didn't want to get any more from her in which she attacks me, insults my character, tells me she hates me, etc. I said that those things screw up my concentration, which has already been adversely affected by the months of near-breakups and fights and counselling appointments, such that my job performance has suffered and this has been noticed. I said that if I lose my job I won't be able to help her during the coming months. I then said that I wondered why I should be willing to help somebody who berates me, tells me they hate me, and calls me cruel and dangerous.

 

Well, after some back-and-forth, nasty voicemails (from her) and a few emails, she just sent me another, saying she'll be moving out of the house since I'm refusing to help her financially, obviously I don't care about her or her kids, etc. etc. etc. Oh, and another saying that she's going to block my emails to her. I've told her a couple of times -- and I just did again -- that she DOESN'T need to move out, that I will help her, that I just don't want to be berated or attacked in emails and told that she hates me. That's abuse, or harassment, or both.

 

God this is exasperating, among other things. Does there come a point where I just have to break off all communication with her? I realize, that as the "dumper", she's not going to be happy with me. Naturally I don't like that, but I can handle it. But sooner or later, do you just have to cut communication with the grieving, emotionally unstable ex? Would doing so enable her to work on moving on, without me being present in her life? Or am I simply justifying to give myself a reason to feel right about not communicating with her?

 

Argggghhhhhhhhhhh...........

[sedgwick]

Okay, here's my two cents...

 

I met the guy I love (who dumped me) in March '06. We got to know each other gradually until Sept '06, when we went on our first date. By Jan '07 we were saying we were a couple. In July '07, he dumped me totally out of the blue -- which is beside the point.

 

We had known each other as long as you and your ex, but we never moved in together and our finances were still totally separate. I don't have kids, but if I did, I sure wouldn't have moved them into his house that fast. It seems as though that would be tremendously unsettling for them. And I would never ever ever have expected him to support me!! We just simply didn't know each other long enough.

 

When he left me, I told him I loved him with all my heart, and I let him go. I never sent him a single cruel email or left a voice mail of any sort. I never called him again. I'm terribly hurt and angry, but it's not his business. He made the decision not to be with me and I have to respect that, because I love him.

 

This woman has very unrealistic and opportunistic expectations of you. She is clearly in this for her own needs. She is clearly trying to manipulate you now. If you didn't have money, she wouldn't be doing this.

 

You have to try to resist letting her make you feel bad. You're doing the right thing. No relationship should be that tumultuous.