Myheartsonmysleeve Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 So he and I have been dating for about a month now. Apart from Baby Mama Drama and a lack of communication. I have really enjoyed where this is going. We laugh, enjoy the same things and I think his child is amazing. He's always touchy, and flirty and the sex is AMAZING. Last night while we were having sex I sweetly whispered in his ear. "Can I keep you?" he asked why I would want to keep him, so I told him that he was a great guy, that I didn't want to share him and I wanted to be able to call him my own..... he didn't answer so I asked again and eventually dropped it. After I asked him why I couldn't keep him and he said he has too much going on and he doesn't really want a relationship because he has a lot happening and he doesn't have the time of the focus for a relationship... Now, when we first met he mentioned that he wanted a relationship, I see him almost every day. Now I don't know what to do. Should I drop the whole thing and act as if nothing has happened and continue to see him , or should I stop calling and basically cut my losses. I really like him and I could honestly see this going somewhere.....but I don't want to be waiting for somthing that isn't promising....please help.
torranceshipman Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Cut n run....you want a relationship and he wants casual fun..I doubt that'll change...just a case of wanting different things I think.
trubella Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 think you had sex too soon. only been dating for a month and hes quite comfortable with getting nookie and hanging out now it looks like. if you want an R and he doesnt maybe its time to move on. that was wrong of him to say he wanted commitment only to turn around and say he wasnt ready. cant believe he already introduced his son to you so soon either.
torranceshipman Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 ps doesnt mean hes a bad guy, you two have shared nice times and you could end up friends after this! Justsounds like a bad idea if you'd get really attached and he knows a R isnt what he could give you.
blind_otter Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 think you had sex too soon. only been dating for a month and hes quite comfortable with getting nookie and hanging out now it looks like. if you want an R and he doesnt maybe its time to move on. that was wrong of him to say he wanted commitment only to turn around and say he wasnt ready. cant believe he already introduced his son to you so soon either. I don't agree with the "sex too soon" argument, because all of my LTRs started off with sex. IMO it has a lot more to do with the attitude of the parties involved. If they are ready for a relationship, it doesn't really matter when you have sex. (in my experience). I do agree, though, that the original poster should probably cut her losses. It never works out when one person wants more than the other is willing to give. Then, the one who wants more is basically existing off scraps.
torranceshipman Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 ps sorry to multiple post here but...I wouldt worry about having sex too quick either...I know guys that dated quite a bit, followed these rules of waitin (or judged girls on it) but when they met 'he one', some of them slept together on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd date....timing means nothing if its the right person! In fact that might make it happen quicker, lol! So dont beat yourself up about that, you did nothing wrong.
KinAZ Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I would step back. If I met a guy, and continued my involvement with him because he says he's looking for the same things I'm looking for... but then he turned around and told me that he's not... well, I wouldn't want to stick around. It may not mean that he was simply saying what you wanted to hear or that he was being manipulative, but it does show that he's simply not ready or not sure. And, yes, as a precaution (since I couldn't be sure why his story changed) I wouldn't keep sleeping with him or seeing him as much. I don't think the problem was that you slept with him too soon, but the current situation could make some men wonder "Why make a commitment when I have all of this already?" So yeah, I would cut and run. And if he changed his mind about that relationship again, it might be something to talk about in the future, but for now, I say step back.
Author Myheartsonmysleeve Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 I guess part of the reason why I'm having a hard time letting it go is because It's been nice having somone around. I'm new to this area and it was nice to have people to talk to. I don't even mean him, but his friends and family that I've had the pleasure to know. I guess you all are right, it's just so hard to leave when you think you've found someone to be close to.
trubella Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I don't agree with the "sex too soon" argument, because all of my LTRs started off with sex.. oh im sure there are relationships that start out sexual and turn into LTR but there are SOME that dont, and it seems to be the case with this one. when theres no courtship, friendship in the beginning and sex enters the picture from day one in my experience those Rs never worked. they would put me in the FWB category and nothing serious would come from it. they just got comfortable with the sex and hanging out..why have an R when you have that. JMO
blind_otter Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 oh im sure there are relationships that start out sexual and turn into LTR but there are SOME that dont, and it seems to be the case with this one. when theres no courtship, friendship in the beginning and sex enters the picture from day one in my experience those Rs never worked. they would put me in the FWB category and nothing serious would come from it. they just got comfortable with the sex and hanging out..why have an R when you have that. JMO The funny thing is, I got the courtship and the sex, simultaneously. Just my personal experience. I've never been "put" into a FWB category - the only time I've ever been a FWB is when I made that choice prior to ever engaging in sexual activity with the person in question.
trubella Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I've never been "put" into a FWB category - the only time I've ever been a FWB is when I made that choice prior to ever engaging in sexual activity with the person in question. in my past experience a guy will say hes interested in more but his actions will show differently.. more on the line with FWB, until i realized later on he really didnt want more, and i was just his FWB. i shouldnt have said he "put" me there. more like i was misled like the OP was.
KinAZ Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I guess part of the reason why I'm having a hard time letting it go is because It's been nice having somone around. I'm new to this area and it was nice to have people to talk to. I don't even mean him, but his friends and family that I've had the pleasure to know. I guess you all are right, it's just so hard to leave when you think you've found someone to be close to. If you're happy the way things are, and feel that you can keep your emotions at bay, then there's nothing wrong with keeping things the way they are at all. It's all about what you want MOST, and what you think you will be comfortable with and can handle with time. But if you do continue to see this guy, just understand the risk you're taking if you let your guard down too much with him with things the way they are at the moment. You don't have to have a serious commitment with this man if you don't want to. Just be realistic with yourself about how long you will be happy in that situation, and how serious you will take him (unless/until you see change). I just wouldn't want you to stick around with false hopes. Anything is possible, but it's a risk...
Author Myheartsonmysleeve Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Thanks. I want to keep seeing him. I don't even know what to say on the phone to try to get past it. I've never been in this situation before....
KinAZ Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Thanks. I want to keep seeing him. I don't even know what to say on the phone to try to get past it. I've never been in this situation before.... If you're going to keep seeing him, why address it? He said what he had to say about the matter, and consider it closed for discussion. You know? I might give it a few days or something, but when you call just call as you normally would, unless he has been acting differently since this incident.
Siciliana Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Drop him like a hot bag of rocks. If he comes back then make him EARN it. If he doesn't then good for you for getting out before more emotions got invested.
Recommended Posts