Star Gazer Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 That's what scares me daphne, once a guy realizes how long I've been on the market, they think "well there must be a reason for that" and there goes my chance. Huh? I certainly don't think I've been on the market so long that I'm stale... why do you???? This is precisely your problem. YOU clearly perceive this to be a shortcoming of yours, and this suggests that you aren't as secure as you would like everyone to think. Who cares why you are single at 32? Or even that you ARE? There are loads of single people out there who are 32, some have been married and divorced, others haven't. Over the age of, oh, 25, most of us have some baggage of some description or other. The worst thing you can do is to compare yourself to other people. You never really, truly know someone elses situation, especially that of one that is being used to advertise a dating site. You don't know WHAT obstacles people have overcome to get where they are. Bitter pity parties aren't really the way forward IMO. Get pro-active. My first suggestion would be to stop comparing yourself to everyone else and just start learning to be happy with yourself. EXACTLY!!!! Who cares if I'm jealous? It struck a cord with me so when that happens I figure it might make a good LS topic LOL. Don't you see how internally inconsistent that is? "I'm jealous, but let's not talk about it..." ??
Author LoveLace Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 SG where in there did I say "let's not talk about it"? I said "who cares"? as in so what if I feel jealous sometimes, it's nothing to be ashamed of; when it comes to here I'm not ashamed of anything because I'm just an avatar. That's why I like it here So talk away. I don't say things "internally" (wtf?) I say what I feel...duh Most of the time I am plenty happy with myself, but I have my downer days because I'm only human. Or because, things like with my girl friend happen, it's usually just a temporary feeling though. Something else always manages to come along and make up for it, whether it's just a day that I wake up happy or a guy that likes me. I certainly don't need a guy to like me to feel better, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't help sometimes. I dont' that's anything abnormal. Last night I decided to be risky (if you want to call it that) when I was out with a girl friend (different one than I spoke of before). We were at a pub that only had like 6 people in there. But I thought a guy sitting just 3 seats away was cute and he kept looking over at me. I wanted to send him a drink, but it was so quiet in there, everyone would have witnessed it (it's easier to be discreet if it's more crowded). So my friend and I came up with the idea to leave my phone # on a piece of paper near him before we left. Later I was home and his wasted younger brother called acting like an idiot. So the idea didn't work, but I'm glad I did something I wouldn't normally do. It's healthy to go out of my comfort zone a little. It was no big deal of a gesture I know, but still that's how I manage to make a lame time fun...we walked out of the pub all giggly after we left the paper...
Author LoveLace Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 This story is not that unusual. It's just a woman who got online, tried it, and it worked. Happens to a lot of people. Maybe you should try it. Ha ha I started trying it almost 10 years ago. Still tried it on & off ever since, I'm even on one now. I can't afford to pay for more than one right now. I've had a couple dates this time but they just didn't pan out to anything. The unusual part (for me anyway) is that it worked so quickly. That's what I mean about the story, she didn't have to work very hard and it just blows my mind.
bones1 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Lovelace, not that my opinion matters, but I feel you are much more genuine, and in touch with yourself than many others. I don't understand how some people spend time on dating message boards, dating sites, analyze every little thing on a date, are looking all the time, then come back with "I don't need a man! I am perfectly happy being single". To me that is completely FAKE. There are thousands of things you can be doing other than dating if you sincerely do not want a mate. Humans without a doubt are at their optimum with another person. Especially if it is the right person. Company, sex, 2 incomes, companionship, help, security etc. As a small example, scientists have proven that semen is a natural anti depressant when absorbed through the vaginal walls. Now obviously in this day and age you can't have unprotected one night stands, but it just goes to show how perfectly men and women fit together.
shadowplay Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Hi Lovelace, I can relate to how you feel because although I'm younger than you I often worry about dying an old maid or something like that. I know the pain and anxiety you must be experiencing. I was surprised to read that in last ten years you'd never had more than a two month relationship. If it's not too personal, maybe you could write here why different relationships in that period ended. Hopefully a pattern will emerge that will give you a sense for what behaviors you might want to change. I suspect you come off as too insecure and desperate, but that's just a guess based on my limited knowledge of your life. Guys can smell neediness from a mile away. Give us more specifics to work with.
Author LoveLace Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Lovelace, not that my opinion matters, but I feel you are much more genuine, and in touch with yourself than many others. I don't understand how some people spend time on dating message boards, dating sites, analyze every little thing on a date, are looking all the time, then come back with "I don't need a man! I am perfectly happy being single". To me that is completely FAKE. There are thousands of things you can be doing other than dating if you sincerely do not want a mate. Humans without a doubt are at their optimum with another person. Especially if it is the right person. Company, sex, 2 incomes, companionship, help, security etc. As a small example, scientists have proven that semen is a natural anti depressant when absorbed through the vaginal walls. Now obviously in this day and age you can't have unprotected one night stands, but it just goes to show how perfectly men and women fit together. That makes sense Bones, someone said "don't look for a relationship" and then another person thinks I'm not doing enough to put myself out there. But that can happen around here, some advice appears contradicting. So if I'm not supposed to look for it I guess I'm supposed to wait for it to fall in my lap. Then there's that saying that nothing comes served to us on a platter and we have to work towards it. So with dating, I try to find the in between, but it can be easier said than done. Wow! Interesting scientific info... Ok Shadow you asked for it....my last long-term relationship ended at age 20 (I'm 31 now). That was 3 years. I was away at college and living it up, so the break-up was exactly what I wanted. I was in no hurry to be serious again soon. I did meet and fall for one guy, but he didn't want to be "serious" or "exclusive". However we stayed very close friends for years. Every once in a while, we'd go out and share a night here and there, but then he moved away, so it kind of faded after that. Otherwise, I spent most of my early 20's just partying and flirting. Looking back, I realize now there were several guys I liked who liked me too, I just didn't see the signals that I know were there now. And as said before I did plenty of dates from websites, but most of the time I just didn't find them interesting for all different reasons. In 2004 I met Shawn through friends. Dated for guess what: 2 months. But we moved really fast, and finally both acknowledged he was still not over his recent break-up. But we also stayed friends for a couple years. That whole time I wanted him back. That was close to happening about 2 years ago, until he met another girl that he again moved with quickly, and they were married with a baby in less than a year. It's ok though, cuz now I don't think I would have been that happy with him. 3 years ago I met the infamous Dan that I've wrote sooo much about here. He didn't want a relationship, just fun, and that's that. But I can say I had more fun with him than any other guy I've dated....even though he was in & out of my life as he pleased. About a year ago I met Marty (remember LS'ers?) but he was freshly divorced and still broken like Shawn. He moved really fast, even faster, than Shawn. And 2 months later, he decided that he needed "time". He's engaged now! So there ya go. I chalk it up to a mixture of bad luck, bad judgement, bad timing.
Ariadne Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Good stories Ariadne. I stopped watching those happy ending love movies a long time ago, because when i see them I just go, Oh yea, like THAT would really happen! Yeah, those movies suck. Because the girls never do anything and guys just fall at their feet. Say, girl goes to take out the trash, and the neighbor is just driving in with his car and spots her, and ever since then he is in love and chasing her (and he is perfect). Like that other stupid movie with Julia Roberts: Sleeping with the Enemy. She has an abusive husband, and the whole movie she is trying to escape from her husband, fakes her death and all of that. Finally, she goes and rents a beatiful house in a small town... and then... and then... "she looks out the window and there he was" the love of her life! The guy was singing in the patio and she looks at him and feels all bashed for him, then they talk once or twice and live happily ever after. Is like, ok, stop this movie and return it.
Ariadne Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 We went to a concert a few weeks ago and a group of guys came over, she was lovey duvy with one within 10 min. of being there...and his friends well, they faded out of the sitch because I guess none of them were interested in me...it was like "Well, Bill got the girl so lets get outta here". It's like Hello! Yikes!!! But there is a thing about looking desperate, like Shadow said. Guys hate that. (Heck, even when I went to go to clubs, guys that were desperate were a big turn off)
Author LoveLace Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Yikes!!! But there is a thing about looking desperate, like Shadow said. Guys hate that. (Heck, even when I went to go to clubs, guys that were desperate were a big turn off) Well I don't know how I could have looked desperate that day, really. I had a short conversation with one of the guys about where he was from, and that was about it. Rest of the time, I was enjoying the concert. It was obvious that I was there with her, so I figured if they wanted to talk to me more, they would..but they didn't, so I continued to keep to myself. You are right about the movies, they always happen like that. That's what the story about this woman reminded me of, that's why it bothered me a little.
konfuzd Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 That makes sense Bones, someone said "don't look for a relationship" and then another person thinks I'm not doing enough to put myself out there. But that can happen around here, some advice appears contradicting. So if I'm not supposed to look for it I guess I'm supposed to wait for it to fall in my lap. Then there's that saying that nothing comes served to us on a platter and we have to work towards it. So with dating, I try to find the in between, but it can be easier said than done. Wow! Interesting scientific info... I think there is a middle ground here. I think you do have to "put yourself out there" in the sense that you need to go out and mingle and meet new people in order to meet someone special. At the same time, you don't want to go into every situation in attempts to meet that special someone. When I first moved to my new city, I would volunteer, took classes joined networking groups etc.... all with the mindset of meeting someone. When I would come home without a date, I'd be dissapointed and essentially invalidated the experiences. I started going out on my own with the goal of making a new friend; male or female. I ended up making a large network of friends with similar interests, and met my bf through one of these friends I had made. Good luck.
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