LoveLace Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 True Story: She was just divorced. She started watching the comedy channel one night and decided, it's just no fun to laugh by yourself. So she sat down at the computer and looked at an interesting profile on E Harmony. She purchased membership just to talk to him. (I don't know how long ago this was) but now they are getting married! They are so in love! Overheard this at work today. It sickened me, because 1st of all, if you can't laugh alone, that's a problem. I've been laughing alone for YEARS, eating alone, sleeping alone, I take myself out because I'm bold enough and not too insecure in knowing I"ll make friends if I want to. Or, I'm perfectly content going out and talking to no one. Yet, I haven't had a relationship longer than 2 months in over 10 years. It would never, ever, happen this way for me...just up and decide I don't like being alone anymore, and the 1st profile I look at just happens to be the one! It sickens me, that a person with more insecurities than me can just meet somebody, at the drop of a hat. Of course, I don't know all info about these people...she could be one of those drop dead hotties who never had a problem meeting guys to begin with. Who knows if the guy is actually a woman beater or something. It could be she is much better at relationships than I. But still, it sickens me to be surrounded by people who just meet somebody, whenever they feel like meeting somebody. Everyone makes it look so easy, and there's no reason why it should be practically impossible for me. I'll be 32 in 6 months with still no cigar. I know I don't have the title of being #1 in knowledge or with making the best decisions when it comes to dating; I am definitely still learning...but how does that make Mrs. Divorcee so much more deserving than I? Guess I'm just venting. Do I just sound bitter or does anyone see where I'm coming from here? I mean, love is a big, big deal....choosing "the one" is a big deal...I just don't understand how it comes so easily to some people.
Star Gazer Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Who's to say she's "more insecure" than you? I don't think not wanting to be alone makes a person insecure. I can understand where she's coming from. I laugh alone all the time. I eat alone sometimes, I've even traveled alone. But I have always, always thought of at least one person who I would have preferred to enjoy that experience with, be it my mother, a friend, a special guy, whatever. Many experiences are meant to be shared, and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to find someone special to share those moments with.
Tomcat33 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Love doesn't come easily. Who said it even came THAT easily for the woman in the commercial? They have a 1 min spot on tv they can't exactly sell you a documentary of her life so they give you the highlights in one min. What you can take away from that commercial is that this woman saw something that inspired her to find love, she got off her azzz and did something about it, and VOILA! Everyone deserves love.
Tomcat33 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 One more thing you say this: I'll be 32 in 6 months with still no cigar. I know I don't have the title of being #1 in knowledge or with making the best decisions when it comes to dating; I am definitely still learning... I know you say you have not accomplished much at 32, but look at what you wrote after that. The part I bolded is definitely an accomplishment!! Don't ever undersell your capacity to progress and grow just because you haven't as of yet reached your ultimate goal. A person cannot reach an ultimate goal without having to travel to it first. So if you look at every experience that you have had as an experience that makes you a better human being for when the "one" comes then you can just relax and enjoy the ride.
Author LoveLace Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Tomcat, that's the thing that bugs, she just got off her azz and there it was! No fair. I've been on every dating site known to man more than once, I get out plenty, meet tons of people, I only wish it only took 1 day of getting off MY azz.... I certainly can't label a person I don't know as insecure...but not wanting to be alone isn't it, it was the fact that she said "She just can't laugh alone"...well those were the source's words, anyhow. It's the part about not being able to laugh alone, that I find insecure....wanting someone to explore life with in general, is not the part I call insecure. I just thought the whole idea was to learn how to be happy alone 1st, so it just seems like I've mastered this a lot more than she did...if she couldn't laugh alone, how was she happy with herself?
Lookingforward Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Tomcat, that's the thing that bugs, she just got off her azz and there it was! No fair. I've been on every dating site known to man more than once, I get out plenty, meet tons of people, I only wish it only took 1 day of getting off MY azz.... I certainly can't label a person I don't know as insecure...but not wanting to be alone isn't it, it was the fact that she said "She just can't laugh alone"...well those were the source's words, anyhow. It's the part about not being able to laugh alone, that I find insecure....wanting someone to explore life with in general, is not the part I call insecure. I just thought the whole idea was to learn how to be happy alone 1st, so it just seems like I've mastered this a lot more than she did...if she couldn't laugh alone, how was she happy with herself? and you don't maybe think this was just the way she phrased it ? jealous much are we ?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I hear ya, Lovelace. I've had these thoughts many times. What really bugs is that society thinks that to be alone is to be incomplete. That really gets me. What if I never meet anyone? What if I get married and he dies? Why do I have to be partnered up to be complete? I have had several guy friends this story applies to. They were out dating around, never wanting anything serious, then one day they decided they didn't want to be single anymore. EVERY LAST ONE, I kid you not, met a woman within a few months (or in once case, one month) who became their wives. I love these guys, they are all friends of mine, but I did question why it was so easy for them to meet someone when it has been so difficult for me.
Author LoveLace Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 and you don't maybe think this was just the way she phrased it ? jealous much are we ? The woman herself was quoted as saying the reason she met the guy was because "she said she just couldn't laugh alone so she got on E Harmony"...maybe the woman herself phrased it different give or take a couple words, but either way, I find it odd not to be able to laugh alone. If I can't laugh alone, I must be depressed...and that would certainly be the wrong time for me to be trying to make any 1st impressions...maybe it's all about luck, which I have little of so that explains that!
Author LoveLace Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 I hear ya, Lovelace. I've had these thoughts many times. What really bugs is that society thinks that to be alone is to be incomplete. That really gets me. What if I never meet anyone? What if I get married and he dies? Why do I have to be partnered up to be complete? I have had several guy friends this story applies to. They were out dating around, never wanting anything serious, then one day they decided they didn't want to be single anymore. EVERY LAST ONE, I kid you not, met a woman within a few months (or in once case, one month) who became their wives. I love these guys, they are all friends of mine, but I did question why it was so easy for them to meet someone when it has been so difficult for me. Yes! I think it's especially easier for men...because it's not hard to convince a woman to be serious. Yea it kills me that someone can just say "well, I think I want to commit now" and BAM, it's done...as though they are magic words...but noooo it just can't work like that for moi... It totally contradicts the saying that "it happens when you least expect it"...ha whatever.
bones1 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I know what you mean... But I think humans are at their optimum level if they are with someone. Being alone is more tolerable for some than others, and some are very content, but I still feel having a partner makes life more enjoyable. I have noticed the same thing. I know people with lots of baggage that have been married 3 or 4 times. It seems as if everyone they date somehow it leads to marriage. I do not know how they do it. And then I know some great women, who are very attractive, etc, and once divorced they may be single 10 15 30 years, never being able to find another husband. I find it is them that are often the most jealous when their out of shape friends have no problem getting married to decent men.
Author LoveLace Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 I know what you mean... But I think humans are at their optimum level if they are with someone. Being alone is more tolerable for some than others, and some are very content, but I still feel having a partner makes life more enjoyable. I have noticed the same thing. I know people with lots of baggage that have been married 3 or 4 times. It seems as if everyone they date somehow it leads to marriage. I do not know how they do it. Right; I mean the woman in my story could end up with 3 more husbands after this...who knows. And then I know some great women, who are very attractive, etc, and once divorced they may be single 10 15 30 years, never being able to find another husband. I find it is them that are often the most jealous when their out of shape friends have no problem getting married to decent men. I don't blame them for being jealous. I'm not the type to turn every head in the room, but I've seen plenty of women who are much less attractive with the blandest of personalities that have it all. So of course I'm jealous. A couple weeks ago a married couple in their 20's sat next to me at a bar while I visited my friend who bar tends there, and we started talking. He said "it's weird" that I've never been married at my age...so ok maybe he's living under a rock and he hasn't noticed that marriage is less prevalent, but still, it hurts to hear.
konfuzd Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 When it comes to relationships, you can't simply compare one to another. Just because someone is married, does not make them more loveable or better than you in any way. It simply means that she happened to be at the right place at the right time to meet someone who happened to be at the same place (both physically and mentally). Love is a lot about timing and I think luck has a lot to do with it too. I used to think I was somehow inferior because all my friends from high school are now married, and I am still single. (although in a LTR). When I really sit down to think about it though, several of them married their first loves. They didn't get a chance to see what else was out there. Other ones just got to the point where they felt they should be married, so they settled for the person they were with at that time. I can only name maybe 2 or 3 couples who can honestly say they are happily married. Others have been married and divorced already at the age of 25-28. It may sound cliche, but it truly is when you're happy with yourself and can love yourself as a single entity, it's so much easier for someone else to love you. Don't count marriage as a measure of someone's success, because it doesn't necessarily mean they're happy.
Walk Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 A lot depends on what your expectations are for who you'll date. You say you meet plenty of people, you've tried the dating sites, what stopped you from singling out one (or two ) of those candidates and settling in for the long term? It seems as if the people I've known would up their standards just enough so whoever was available couldn't measure up, and therefor my friends didn't have to actually open themselves up to potential hurts or heartbreaks. It was more of a defense measure rather then a true baramator of the quality of available partners out there. Another thing is that some women tend to be less willing to pursue something they want. I've looked at studies related to this, and overall women tend to believe they don't deserve to get what we're really worth. We undervalue ourselves. Which could mean that instead of confidently introducing yourself to a potential partner, and following that opening toward something you really want, we could be tripping ourselves up along the way because subconciously we don't feel we deserve something that could make us happy. Anyway... My first thought of the girl you described was the word "co-dependent". You can find anyone at the drop of the hat if what you really wanted was a warm body. And they wouldn't necessarily be bad guys, or wife beaters... Could just be regular guys who don't meet other women's standards due to looks, income, inteligence, self-esteem, whatever. I guess it depends on what's important to each person, what they're willing to sacrific in order to have someone in their life.
daphne Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Anyway... My first thought of the girl you described was the word "co-dependent". You can find anyone at the drop of the hat if what you really wanted was a warm body. And they wouldn't necessarily be bad guys, or wife beaters... Could just be regular guys who don't meet other women's standards due to looks, income, inteligence, self-esteem, whatever. I guess it depends on what's important to each person, what they're willing to sacrific in order to have someone in their life. That's what I tell myself, often. I've been married so a warm body just won't do this go around. And the same applies to the male friends of cherry's whose green lights just went off and they instantly found someone. Some people may get lucky this way, however, I put more creedence in relationships that weren't necessarily well timed but the individuals had the good sense to know a good thing when they saw it. For those who don't pay attention to the one good thing they have in front of them, I fear a life of settling is in the forecast. I think the expression about timing being important is a euphemism for saying "you screwed up big time but don't worry, there'll always be someone else to settle with after you've figured out the grass isn't greener." I liken it to real estate. I read somewhere that the first offer on a house is statistically teh best offer. The house is newly available, the bidder is excited and offers what they feel is reasonable (in general.) However, some sellers take this for granted being that it's teh first offer and that someone else will probably happen along with a much better offer. So they wait. Then their listing drops down. Fewer offers trickle in and they are worse than the initial one since the house has been on the market longer. Then the hard headed seller loses the better beginning deal because they took it for granted.
Author LoveLace Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 That's what scares me daphne, once a guy realizes how long I've been on the market, they think "well there must be a reason for that" and there goes my chance.
Trialbyfire Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 How much will you tolerate, to "have" a relationship? Some people are willing to tolerate a lot, so they don't have to be alone, while others aren't willing to settle for third prize. Of course, there's timing/luck involved for others. Lovelace, try not to look for a relationship. Maybe that's not the way you come across in real life but on LS, I sometimes wonder if the relationship is more important than the potential partner, not saying you would settle for just anyone, so don't get me wrong.
just-a-girl Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Just becuase a relationship falls into your lap does not mean it is the right relationship. I am 29 all of my friends are married or heading there I am newly single and still in college. I would rather wait to find the right guy then marry one that is in the right place at the right time. If I have to wait 10 more years for Mr Right then so be it. I know what I want and it is not Mr Right Now. I don't expect him to be perfect just perfect for me, plus I get to have a lot of fun along the way.
daphne Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 If I have to wait 10 more years for Mr Right then so be it. I know what I want and it is not Mr Right Now. You say that now... just kidding.
daphne Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 That's what scares me daphne, once a guy realizes how long I've been on the market, they think "well there must be a reason for that" and there goes my chance. I realized my analogy could be interpreted a couple of ways, but that's not what I meant. I've been on the market probably longer than you have, and I wouldn't go back and settle. And I've dated LOTS. And a number were good on paper, but either were lousy boyfriends, appeared unhealthy or had some glaring issue that didn't make for a good relationship. I'm not looking for mr. perfect, but i'll pass on the parking spaces in the back for a potential one a little closer in.
Ally Boo Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 The guy from E-Harmony looks like Adam West, doesn't he? Why are you so jealous of this? Who cares?
Ariadne Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 It would never, ever, happen this way for me...just up and decide I don't like being alone anymore, and the 1st profile I look at just happens to be the one! It sickens me, that a person with more insecurities than me can just meet somebody, at the drop of a hat. I know just what you mean. It reminds me of the time I was talking to my mother, and she told me that she was watching a movie that she rented and that it was a really cute movie. I'm like, what movie mom? Oh, it's called "The Holiday" is about these two girls that are heartbroken because their relationships fell apart. One lives in LA and the other lives in England, so they decide to trade houses for two weeks for a holiday and then they find the love of their lives. I'm like, "two weeks"?! Two weeks? I've been in LA for 20 years and I haven't found crap! I mean, that's it? It pissed me off that stupid movie. And another story. One of my best friends in South Am that I went to HS with. I met her at a resort and she had been divorced for about a year. I asked her if she had a bf and she said, no way! I don't want any man. Men just complicate your life, what I want is to be free and do whatever I want with my time. Cool. Next year I go to visit again and, yes, she's "madly in love." (sigh). She went to a bar on day, and right then and there she met this wonderful, cute, agrarian engineer guy, that is also good in bed and she's thrilled! And then she says, I have to go now because I have to go to the hair dresser because we are going out tonight. Yeah, just forget it. I'm going to be alone forever too. I suck for that kind of stuff. (Btw, my friend was home coming queen in HS also and is really very skinny)
Ariadne Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 "I'm still learning" ...definitely an accomplishment!! Don't ever undersell your capacity to progress Very consoling words.
Ariadne Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Yea it kills me that someone can just say "well, I think I want to commit now" and BAM, it's done...as though they are magic words... ...............
sb129 Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 That's what scares me daphne, once a guy realizes how long I've been on the market, they think "well there must be a reason for that" and there goes my chance. This is precisely your problem. YOU clearly perceive this to be a shortcoming of yours, and this suggests that you aren't as secure as you would like everyone to think. Who cares why you are single at 32? Or even that you ARE? There are loads of single people out there who are 32, some have been married and divorced, others haven't. Over the age of, oh, 25, most of us have some baggage of some description or other. The worst thing you can do is to compare yourself to other people. You never really, truly know someone elses situation, especially that of one that is being used to advertise a dating site. You don't know WHAT obstacles people have overcome to get where they are. Bitter pity parties aren't really the way forward IMO. Get pro-active. My first suggestion would be to stop comparing yourself to everyone else and just start learning to be happy with yourself.
Author LoveLace Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 The guy from E-Harmony looks like Adam West, doesn't he? Why are you so jealous of this? Who cares? Who cares if I'm jealous? It struck a cord with me so when that happens I figure it might make a good LS topic LOL. Good stories Ariadne. I stopped watching those happy ending love movies a long time ago, because when i see them I just go, Oh yea, like THAT would really happen! I have to remind myself it's just a movie and guys don't really come to your window at night to serenade you LOL. I think I know why my self-esteem is a little more down than normal lately...I have this 1 single girl friend (and the only single one!) that I go out with a lot. We're pretty close. And if we meet guys, they are always all about her and I barely exist. She's cute and all, but I don't consider myself much less attractive. I'll flirt and make conversation with the guys, yadda yadda, but they still seem to get distracted by her. We went to a concert a few weeks ago and a group of guys came over, she was lovey duvy with one within 10 min. of being there...and his friends well, they faded out of the sitch because I guess none of them were interested in me...it was like "Well, Bill got the girl so lets get outta here". It's like Hello! And the guy still calls her...among the other 5 or more guys that do. But it's not like I'll stop hanging out with her just because of that. I accept that she's got whatever it takes, it just sucks when no one notices I do too. She also just got out of a really long-term relationship; but obviously if or when she's ready for another one, she has more than plenty to choose from. That would be nice.
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