melodymatters Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I should expand on that theory. When a girl has options, if she wasn't invested, she wouldn't have remained in the relationship or even started dating him, if money talks. If anything, I suspect her feelings of being unwanted, are being assauged through attention from someone else who's displaying desire. The timing of this is too suspect for being a simple wallet draw! DING,DING,DING !!!! I am now dating someone with less earning potential than the one who kinda, sorta wanted a break. Their money, is their money, who cares? what i DO care about is being desired and respected. PS. I don't beleive in breaks. When somone asks for a break, i say "sure, but we're putting an 'Up" at the end, and i'm moving on with my life, see ya !!"
Art_Critic Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I told her 2 days later how I felt, laid everything on the line. She was cold, but listened, This all happened AFTER you rejected her and hurt her... Now after rejecting her and telling her in a sense that she isn't relationship material to you you are begging her back... I've been there done that before.. the best advice I can give you is to learn from this.. You eff'd up dude.. you hurt her.. you rejected her by asking for a break.. not once.. but twice.. I think you need to focus on moving on.. no more flowers or gifts.. You need to really leave her alone... Let her be to lick her wounds and heal...
quankanne Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 thank you, AC – this is what I was trying to point out from "a chick's viewpoint of things," not because it's happened to me personally, but because it's a crappy thing to do to ANYone. oregon, she gave you her heart, she dealt with your long work hours and then your desire to take a break. And I imagine it hurt like hell, but because she loved you, she went along with it probably figuring that in the long run, it would help the relationship. then you make crack about taking a break again and suddenly she gets to thinking that those doubts she kept at bay were maybe real, and that maybe you DO want her out of the picture (i.e., you fed her insecurities about the relationship when you made that comment), so she left. And because she's guarding her heart against more hurt from you, she's adamant about NC. which is why if you really care as much about this girl as you claim, you'll respect her wishes to leave her be. I know that showering her with gifts is romantic, but your timing is way, way off. Because now you're just pissing her off by showing her that it's still about YOUR needs, and that you refuse to respect hers because now you've decided you really do want her. as much as it hurts to see her carry on with her life, you need to let her go. So she can work out these feelings of hurt and anger, so she can decide once and for all that you're where she wants to be. However, if you keep pestering her, you're going to make her turn the other direction because she sees this as a lack of respct on your end. I'm not trying to be harsh here, just give you an idea why your actions are working against you at this point, ¿entiendes?
CaliGuy Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 So you sent her flowers and chocolate for breaking up with you? I don't get it. You wanted a break, now you have it. Now you don't want the break. Some guys can be just as bad as women. My best advice to you is let her cool off. No more gifts or trying to coax her back. If she wants to come back, you need to let her do it on her own and stop trying to force it. Forcing her back is what is pushing her away.
Author oregonbigc Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 quankanne, your last post was right on. A little more of the picture. She is attracted to me, if i can put this in the humblest of ways I am good looking, and stay in great physical shape. I don't have a ton of money right now because I am in residency. I am a physician, but I am working 70 hour weeks until residency is over. She on the same token works 6 days a week 10 hour days. She is a nail tech. She was very into me the entire relationship and I had my doubts about some things and I asked for 2 breaks, my uncertainty made her think about things also, and she strayed. I know she loved me, although now she said she put her guard back up and wants to see what is out there for her. She never has done the single dating thing. I asked her when we first got together if she needed to date around for a few months first, because she was freshly out of a relationship, she said no. So many things I could've done, if I would have realized them may or may not have made a difference. I moved 6 weeks ago into a nice house and she was signing another lease with her roommate. I should've asked her to move in. I know she would've said yes. i should've asked her to come with me home to visit my family, but I didn't, because I know she had just taken work off recently and she doesnt like to do that, however when I left, she went to see that guy in NY. I have learned a lot from this and it has brought me back to my emotions, which I feel I had lost somewhat during medical school. She wants to date, see what's out there, just be friends and maybe see me again in a couple months. I feel like I need to break myself away or go crazy holding on to her. I feel like she knows she has me at her whim. I did tell her on a voice message the other night after we spoke on the phone, that I can't wait and I can't do that to myself. I want her to know that she can't just have me waiting around, because if she thinks that she will drag this out. Maybe if she thinks she may actually lose me for good, she may still date, but may think time is running out for her and I. I am thinking of dropping the rest of her stuff off on her doorstep while she is at work. That and the cards she gave me and the pictures we have. I was also thinking about returning the nice watch she gave me for my birthday 2 weeks before our break up. I just feel its right. I also want her to think that I am for real. What do you all think?
Kamille Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 quankanne, your last post was right on. A little more of the picture. She is attracted to me, if i can put this in the humblest of ways I am good looking, and stay in great physical shape. I don't have a ton of money right now because I am in residency. I am a physician, but I am working 70 hour weeks until residency is over. She on the same token works 6 days a week 10 hour days. She is a nail tech. She was very into me the entire relationship and I had my doubts about some things and I asked for 2 breaks, my uncertainty made her think about things also, and she strayed. I know she loved me, although now she said she put her guard back up and wants to see what is out there for her. She never has done the single dating thing. I asked her when we first got together if she needed to date around for a few months first, because she was freshly out of a relationship, she said no. So many things I could've done, if I would have realized them may or may not have made a difference. I moved 6 weeks ago into a nice house and she was signing another lease with her roommate. I should've asked her to move in. I know she would've said yes. i should've asked her to come with me home to visit my family, but I didn't, because I know she had just taken work off recently and she doesnt like to do that, however when I left, she went to see that guy in NY. I have learned a lot from this and it has brought me back to my emotions, which I feel I had lost somewhat during medical school. She wants to date, see what's out there, just be friends and maybe see me again in a couple months. I feel like I need to break myself away or go crazy holding on to her. I feel like she knows she has me at her whim. I did tell her on a voice message the other night after we spoke on the phone, that I can't wait and I can't do that to myself. I want her to know that she can't just have me waiting around, because if she thinks that she will drag this out. Maybe if she thinks she may actually lose me for good, she may still date, but may think time is running out for her and I. I am thinking of dropping the rest of her stuff off on her doorstep while she is at work. That and the cards she gave me and the pictures we have. I was also thinking about returning the nice watch she gave me for my birthday 2 weeks before our break up. I just feel its right. I also want her to think that I am for real. What do you all think? Oregonbic slow down. One thing at a time. First, your priority is to yourself and your wellbeing. I agree with you that the position your are currently in is untenable. I would never want to be on a break where my partner was willing to date other people. So yeah, add 'up' to the break and realize that this is a break up. Anything else and yes, you will start to resent her and feel like she is stringing you along. But do this for yourself, not to get her back. If she comes back, she does, if she doesn't you will already have started to heal. However, I would advise you to not add drama to the fire. Please don't return the watch she gave you or drop her stuff off on her doorstep when she's working unless you really want things to be over between you two. So far, she doesn't sound like the type of person who responds to drama or to emotional blackmail. Like Quankanne said, don't make it about you and your needs. From where I sit, it sounds like a good part of the reasons for the 'break' was about you and your needs. The way I see it, the most manly thing you could do right now is find strenght, kick your ego to the curb and accept that for both of your own good you have to let her go. Have one final conversation where you bring her her stuff and you tell her this, with confidence and out of generosity. Tell her you love her, still hope somehow you two will find each other, but that you are stepping down as waiting for her isn't a healthy place for you to be. Be strong, composed, calm.
Author oregonbigc Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 I don't think she wants to see me right now
Kamille Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 She's in NY anyways right? Wait awhile. Don't get in touch with her until you know you can talk to her confidently. It could be a week, it could be three weeks. As things are, there is no rush, no emergency. Take the time you need. I'd say take the time to get your head out of the gutter. I reread your posts to figure out why you don't think she would want to talk to you right now and I realized a detail: you have 'broken heart' glasses on, and that this is what makes you think she is being cold, heartless, dismissive and why you don't think she wants to talk to you anymore. Your emotions are guiding your perception of the situation. You are even possibly suffering an acute case of dumper's remorse. You're a physician so I assume you know how to get a hold of your emotions. wait until you have a grip on them and have reached a stage of acceptance of the situation as it is. When you next call her, make sure she can tell by your tone of voice that you are doing better - and I'm sorry to report that the only way to pull this off is to be better. For now, take care of yourself.
Author oregonbigc Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 She was only in NY for a about 5 days. She is back now. I don't know if the guy lives here or there or what the situation was. I assume from our conversation she is talking to multiple guys and seeing what the world has to offer her. I can give it time, but i dont know if I should call her she said she would contact me. I guess I just have to let it go as the saying goes and if it comes back to me its mine. I never believed in that kind of thing. I am more of a go and get it type guy. Work for what you want and I hate having no say in this.
daphne Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I am thinking of dropping the rest of her stuff off on her doorstep while she is at work. That and the cards she gave me and the pictures we have. I was also thinking about returning the nice watch she gave me for my birthday 2 weeks before our break up. I just feel its right. I also want her to think that I am for real. What do you all think? This is a manipulative ploy to attempt to elicit a response from her. People are suggesting you back off, and that doesn't mean trying to get a response from her. There's no rush at this moment to return items. You will only make it worse if you do that. I can promise you that, because I made that same goofy mistake once before.
Kamille Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 She was only in NY for a about 5 days. She is back now. I don't know if the guy lives here or there or what the situation was. I assume from our conversation she is talking to multiple guys and seeing what the world has to offer her. I can give it time, but i dont know if I should call her she said she would contact me. I guess I just have to let it go as the saying goes and if it comes back to me its mine. I never believed in that kind of thing. I am more of a go and get it type guy. Work for what you want and I hate having no say in this. What you must do in the next few days, if you can pull it off, is make time for yourself. Do things you LOVE doing that you know are good for you. What I do when I really need to gain some perspective on a situation is go for a good challenging hike. once you've done a few things you love doing, then you can think about this situation again, with a refreshed perspective.
Author oregonbigc Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 her myspace now says shw feels loved and her mood is daydreaming, omg how can she feel this way when we were just together acouple weeks ago?
quankanne Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 easy, if she's the kind of person who has love to give. Not that she's flaky or you're icky, but the heart responds to kindness and generosity and being "loved" ... as much as it hurts, you need to allow her to do her own thing and you need to stop looking at this as just your lost. She's hurting, too, but she's doing her best to move on, to see if she's supposed to move on or if you're where she's meant to be. Because I guarantee you, if she doesn't do this for herself now, she is going to resent you forever for not respecting her enough to let her go ... i dont know if I should call her she said she would contact me. I guess I just have to let it go as the saying goes and if it comes back to me its mine. I never believed in that kind of thing. I am more of a go and get it type guy. Work for what you want and I hate having no say in this. again, this is not about you, but about respecting her decision. Yes it sucks, the but pay-off is potentially great. Let her go peacefully.
electric_sheep Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 This is not a problem; it is actually good news. I have a theory; it's called "The bigger d!ck, fatter wallet theory". The gist of the theory is that there is always another man with a bigger d!ck and/or fatter wallet, and a woman who focuses primarily on those attributes of a man should pursue such men with zeal. I encourage it. Just leave me alone There is always someone who is smarter too, and nicer, more clever, more athletic, more generous, more well balanced, etc, etc... All one can hope for is that you measure up half way decently compared to the local competition, I suppose.
carhill Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I actually take that one step further, and completely dismiss the competition, preferring to define my existence from within. Defined thusly, a woman's attentions and their impetus can be more easily determined. Another great triumph of MC, becoming comfortable with my perspective
Author oregonbigc Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 She now is in a relationship with the guy she just started hanging out with after her telling me 3 weeks ago how she would be mine forever as long as I wanted her. I can't believe it, it seems like she is having no problem moving on or even thinking of me. She erased me from her myspace so i wouldn't see that she is in a relationship now and has a picture of her and him on her page. (she still has 2 pics of us together on there) I want to be understanding to her inexperience and her need to experience dating and such, but my stomach turns at the thought of her being intimate with this guy.
Trialbyfire Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 She now is in a relationship with the guy she just started hanging out with after her telling me 3 weeks ago how she would be mine forever as long as I wanted her. I can't believe it, it seems like she is having no problem moving on or even thinking of me. She erased me from her myspace so i wouldn't see that she is in a relationship now and has a picture of her and him on her page. (she still has 2 pics of us together on there) I want to be understanding to her inexperience and her need to experience dating and such, but my stomach turns at the thought of her being intimate with this guy. oregon, do you ever think about what's good for her?
CaliGuy Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 her myspace now says shw feels loved and her mood is daydreaming, omg how can she feel this way when we were just together acouple weeks ago? Because mentally she checked out the relationship when you first mentioned a break and the reason she stayed with you was she was keeping you around for company until she was 100% sure about the new guy. THAT is why some women "seem" to move on faster than we can believe. You didn't have anyone to fall back on because all your eggs were invested in her. In her case, she had some eggs on you and some eggs on him. He ended up with the sandwich, you ended up with eggshells. It's unfortunate but it's how some women (and men) work. I never have someone in mind when I have left a relationship. I have just decided this person wasn't for me. I am too monogamous to date more than just one woman. Maybe I need to start?! lol. Sorry about your situation bro, but I wouldn't chase this woman. I would stop looking at her myspace page and I would pick up whatever pieces you have left and start rebuilding.
vivrantflo Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 oregon, do you ever think about what's good for her? If you did, stop, and if you aren't, keep it up. She's sleeping with someone else, and right now she's NOT thinking about what's good for you. She's living for her now. And you should do the same. Bro, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Messing up, and then regretting it after. Wanting her back, but she gets a new guy.. nothing new. You've been on my thread man.. you know.. Only thing you (and I) can do, is excrete these chicks from out of our lives. Stop tormenting yourself by looking at her myspace man. At least she took you off. Mine posted a picture of her new man in her bed topless on purpose for me to see. That wasn't a good day. Block her from every form of communication, and start doing you man. Forget her. If your paths cross again, deal with it then, but you have to train yourself to believe that she was never yours and is never coming back. Cause there's a strong possibility that she won't. You can PM me anytime bro.
Author oregonbigc Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I went to her myspace page and her new boyfriend posted a comment about how beautiful she is and how lucky he is to have her, and he spelled her name wrong, like only one letter was correct but is sounds like her name. The interesting part is, her name is spelled correctly at the top of her page, this guy is an idiot. i want to email her telling her how lucky she is to have such a bright new boyfriend. i know I probably shouldn't but I dont know if we will ever get back together, things arent looking good and i want her to know how dumb this guy is.
chrisanderson Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I went to her myspace page and her new boyfriend posted a comment about how beautiful she is and how lucky he is to have her, and he spelled her name wrong, like only one letter was correct but is sounds like her name. The interesting part is, her name is spelled correctly at the top of her page, this guy is an idiot. i want to email her telling her how lucky she is to have such a bright new boyfriend. i know I probably shouldn't but I dont know if we will ever get back together, things arent looking good and i want her to know how dumb this guy is. LMAO. Funny you say that because when I first found out my ex left me for another guy I went and checked his Myspace and he had tons of spelling errors. While I realize that spelling errors don't make a person "good or bad", there are certain basic words that someone SHOULD know how to spell. In your case, spelling her name wrong is just too funny. I'd advise against contacting her. If you do, it will only make you look insecure and facetious. Just let it go. If she doesn't realize that the guy is a dummy then that's her problem.
backto1 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 That's kind of funny...the thing about seeing your ex's new boyfriend is weird. At first it really hurts but then you see that the guys are usually idiots, desperately ignoring the fact that they are likely rebounds, trying to prey on temporarily weak people... so you don't feel bad at all! OR they are actually pretty cool, nice guys and then you don't feel bad at all!
justaman99 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Look. Just becuz sumwon duzent no how to spehl duz knot meen there stewpid. Your much bet her awf
vivrantflo Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I went to her myspace page and her new boyfriend posted a comment about how beautiful she is and how lucky he is to have her, As I stated earlier, STOP looking at her myspace.. it's just going to hurt you. What's the point of looking? She's not yours, so what she's doing shouldn't concern you. Concentrate on healing. i want to email her telling her how lucky she is to have such a bright new boyfriend. i know I probably shouldn't but I dont know if we will ever get back together, things arent looking good and i want her to know how dumb this guy is. And what will this accomplish besides making you look desperate and hurt?? Nothing. Do you expect her to say "hey, he's right, this guy is a moron, I dont want him anymore!" That's not going to happen. Like I Said man, I've been where you are right now. And the best thing to do is let this burn.. but don't overdo it by looking at her myspace, and concerning yourself with her life. Block her, in every form, and work on getting through this. Cause all you're doing now is helping her hurt you.
Author oregonbigc Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 After 2 weeks of NC, this morning on her way to work, she called me. She heard a song on the radio and wanted to see how I was doing. I told her good. Then we just talked about some random stuff, i told her i wanted to drop off her stuff to her friends work, she said to leave it and she will pick it up sometime. I also told her I heard she had a new boyfriend, she said yes, but didn't sound like she was as thrilled about it as I thought she was according to her myspace page. Anyway we talked a little about how our break up went and how sudden it was. She said when I wanted a break, she thought she needed to see what else is out there for her too. I wish I wouldn't have answered the phone, then I would have some cards in my hand too, instead we talked for 15 min and I tried to act cool, but i feel that she still holds all the cards and called, to see if she still had me on the line. I don't know what to do if anything.
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