oregonbigc Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I was dating a girl for 7 months everything was great, we never fought, never had problems, everything was wonderful. I however have been working 70 hour work weeks and was feeling the pressure to move the relationship to another level as moving in together or something. I asked for a break about 5 weeks ago. She said to take as long as i wanted she would be there when i was ready. We never went on that break, we continued to talk and stay the night at each others place. then 2 weeks ago, we went out, she was drunk, one of my friends introduced me to a girl friend of his and she came up and introduced herself right away. I teased her about it the following morning and then she asked if i wanted another break, Me being the stupid talk before you think guy said, maybe we should because we really didnt take one the first time. Well 2 days later, i missed her so much, I realized I want to be with her and only her and take things to the next level. When I told her this, she told me that now maybe she needs a break for a while to make sure this is what she wants. She said we should just be friends for now. AGGGGHHHH! We havent really communicated much in the past 2 weeks. I sent her flowers and chocolate covered strawberries at work, and I left a card and a CD of our songs on her doorstep, before I left town. I am on vacation back to the west coast for 8 days. I think she in now in NY with her gfs. She texted me a week ago to have a good time and be safe. I dont know whether to do no contact or to pursue this with reckless abandon. I love her, she told me she wants to be with someone who knows they want to be with her. I do now! How can I get this girl back in my life, the no contact is driving me crazy. Can she just forget about me like that after 7 months and the intimacy and closeness we shared. She sounded cold as ice when I spoke to her 2 weeks ago. I know she cared, she wanted to be with me so much just a couple weeks ago. I need some advice and any thoughts on what may be going on in her mind. A little background. I am 31 she is 24 she was in a 6 year relationship prior to me, but they had broken up for a while prior to this recent break up. She broke it off, because he didnt give her the attention she wanted. He played a lot of video games instead. She is a good girl with good values, works a lot. But she is very beautiful and likes to go out with her friend and loves the attention and myspace attention. Although she downplays being that way. She also says she doesnt play games and just wants someone who will treat her right, but it sure feels like games on this end. Please advise.
Fun2BMe Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I think she felt hurt that you asked for a break twice at a time when she felt things are good enough to go to the next level, and the second time was right after you flirted with that girl! She doesn't want to be played with, but it also makes sense that you wanted to be sure of your feelings before taking things further. Now that you know, you need to let her know exactly how you feel. Maybe you should write everything down and the reason why you wanted to have a break in the first place. For all she knows, she might think you had your eyes on someone else or felt she wasn't good enough. The sooner you do this the better before it's too late.
Author oregonbigc Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 I told her 2 days later how I felt, laid everything on the line. She was cold, but listened, but no emotion and i really poured my heart out. She said because I had doubts, that now she had doubts and needed space. I sent her flowers and strawberries days after and then left a cd of our songs and a card on her doorstep before I went on vacation back home for a week. Well she flew up to NY, more specifically, some guy flew her up there and took her out shopping and stuff and now she deleted me from her myspace. I called her because this devastated me and she told me that she did like our relationship, but she doesnt want a bf right now, she wants to date. She said that she can see being back with me and I asked her how long should I wait, 1 week, 6 months, she said maybe a couple months. I said ok, like a pathetic loser. Then after thinking about it, I called her back and left a message saying I cant wait for her, I cant and wont do that to myself. And we havent spoken in 2 days. I want her back sooooooo bad, but I dont know if i can forgive what she has done. She didnt say she slept with him, and she is not that kind of girl, but if someone flies you out of state, i think its pretty much a done deal.
Kamille Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 oh wow, if ever there was a case of 'careful what you wish for'. I'll be brutally honest. I think the reason you felt overwhelmed and hesitated to move on to the next level was your way to try and exert some control on the budding relationship. A type of power struggle that would have made you feel like you were the one in charge, and she was the one who cared more. She called your bluff. But now, realize that she is the one who has control, and definitely the one who has all the power. I think the best you could do for yourself now that you've made it clear you want to be with her is to accept that you're now single. Stop contacting her. Go out with friends. Go meet other girls. She will likely get in touch with you when you are both back in the same city and whoever she is dating in NY is out of the picture. Alternatively, only contact her once you are feeling 'over her'. Desperation is a weird thing. From her perspective, it's likely simultaneously a turn off and an ego-boost. You messed up, but you're not desperate.
carhill Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 OP, a couple things... Just so you know, everything wasn't perfect. It never is. It never will be. This experience is a good lesson in that regard. Ask yourself why working 70 hour weeks and living with someone you love are incompatible realities. Never tease a woman about anything to do with another woman unless you're willing and gladly will embrace the consequences. There are always consequences As things are now, NC, enjoy life and watch for a more compatible partner, perhaps one who seeks less attention for herself and bestows more upon you.
Fun2BMe Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 She said that she can see being back with me and I asked her how long should I wait, 1 week, 6 months, she said maybe a couple months. I said ok, like a pathetic loser. Then after thinking about it, I called her back and left a message saying I cant wait for her, I cant and wont do that to myself. And we havent spoken in 2 days. I want her back sooooooo bad, but I dont know if i can forgive what she has done. She didnt say she slept with him, and she is not that kind of girl, but if someone flies you out of state, i think its pretty much a done deal. It's like a double sword. If you says you can wait 2 months, then it means you are ok being without her for another 2 months. If you say you can't wait 2 months, then it means she's not worth waiting for. So that is a toughie. Then add that she is so quickly seeing another guy. Now that's not fair to you. All you did was say you needed a break, then changed your mind seeing that you ddin't need one after all, and here she is being flown out of state by another guy already! At this point, you need control back. I would tell her that since she can so easily get over you and has already started seeing another guy, that it sends a message that she doesn't love you as much as you love her for her to not be taking the relationship seriously and no guy in his right mind would put up with that. Then start looking for another girl to get your mind off of her and see what happens. If you just sit at home waiting for what is now 2 months, to see if her relationship with the other guy works out or not or if she feels like taking you back like a toy, then you will look desperate and pathetic. Don't put up with this and you will get more respect from her instead of going along with her cruel games.
quankanne Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I don't think this falls under the "cruel game" heading – I think she got fed up with being yanked around by this guy and put her foot down when he suggested NC a second time. Because when your relationship is already fragile, you don't joke about crap like that because you just don't know how seriously the other person is going to take it. oregon, give her the time she's asking for. Right now you're being a selfish pain in the butt who does not respect her because you tell her one thing, then do the opposite ~ and I'm saying this from her perspective. the harder you try to win her back, instead of respecting this period of NC, the more you'll just push her in the opposite direction because it will appear more and more obvious to her (even though it's an entirely wrong perception) that you must always have things done your way. Like a little kid who doesn't want the toy, but because he doesn't want anyone else to have it he becomes obsessed with keeping it in his possession.
Author oregonbigc Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Sorry you dont know me, but i sounds like you may have dated someone who reminds you of my situation. I guess I can only give her time. The problem is she has already started seeing some rich guy who showers her with gifts, i can't compete with that and I don't want to be appreciated for material things.
carhill Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 The problem is she has already started seeing some rich guy who showers her with gifts, i can't compete with that and I don't want to be appreciated for material things.This is not a problem; it is actually good news. I have a theory; it's called "The bigger d!ck, fatter wallet theory". The gist of the theory is that there is always another man with a bigger d!ck and/or fatter wallet, and a woman who focuses primarily on those attributes of a man should pursue such men with zeal. I encourage it. Just leave me alone
Fun2BMe Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 This is not a problem; it is actually good news. I have a theory; it's called "The bigger d!ck, fatter wallet theory". The gist of the theory is that there is always another man with a bigger d!ck and/or fatter wallet, and a woman who focuses primarily on those attributes of a man should pursue such men with zeal. I encourage it. Just leave me alone Wow, now that's a good theory. If she is taken by his gifts and money, then let her go! Better it happened now than down the line. Seriously.
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Inconsistency can kill a relationship, STAT, because it erodes on trust and respect. It pretty much tells the other person you're not as invested as they are. Since your ex has options, she's not going to wait around for someone who's inconsistent or insufficiently committed. That's reality.
Author oregonbigc Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 But I laid it all out there, told her why I had some doubts and that, those doubts were gone, that I loved her and so much more, I poured my heart out. She said she put her guard back up and now I can't penetrate it. I thought I could get through to her on some emotional level, but she has many options and people to entertain her, she is very beautiful and no problem keeping busy. But 7 months I am maybe her 4th bf ever, I would think she would think of me or something, she seems so detatched. This is killing me inside.
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Laying it out for her doesn't mean you're capable of holding to it. Something gets lost forever when you display flaky behaviour. What happens when there's really hard decisions to make in life? Will you flake again? I'm not hating on you or being deliberately cruel. I can relate to your ex so I'm giving you the possible other side to this.
Kamille Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 But I laid it all out there, told her why I had some doubts and that, those doubts were gone, that I loved her and so much more, I poured my heart out. She said she put her guard back up and now I can't penetrate it. I thought I could get through to her on some emotional level, but she has many options and people to entertain her, she is very beautiful and no problem keeping busy. But 7 months I am maybe her 4th bf ever, I would think she would think of me or something, she seems so detatched. This is killing me inside. You told her those doubts were gone after you agreed to a break that was intended to be for your benefit. Pouring your heart out after doesn't count for half as much as being steadfast during the relationship can be. I fully understand why she has her guard up. I repeat that you've done well in letting her you regret it and that you should now back off and give her space and focus on your own well-being, just as she is doing. I'm sorry, you're right, I don't know you - but you do understand that to some extent you've jerked this girl around right?
carhill Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 OP, IMO, the best way for someone to be with you is because they *want* to, even with all the options and entertainment available, including rich men showering someone with gifts. If she does return, pay careful attention to how it happens. Put the memories of the "perfect" past out of your mind. The present and the future are imperfect and you are both flawed. Repeat after me I call this the "get the h*ll off the pedestal theory".....
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 OP, IMO, the best way for someone to be with you is because they *want* to, even with all the options and entertainment available, including rich men showering someone with gifts. If she does return, pay careful attention to how it happens. Put the memories of the "perfect" past out of your mind. The present and the future are imperfect and you are both flawed. Repeat after me I call this the "get the h*ll off the pedestal theory"..... It's only his assumption and insecurities, that it's the cash drawing her away. I would be surprised if this was the case, since it would have manifested itself with her prior to or during their relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I should expand on that theory. When a girl has options, if she wasn't invested, she wouldn't have remained in the relationship or even started dating him, if money talks. If anything, I suspect her feelings of being unwanted, are being assauged through attention from someone else who's displaying desire. The timing of this is too suspect for being a simple wallet draw!
carhill Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I should expand on that theory. When a girl has options, if she wasn't invested, she wouldn't have remained in the relationship or even started dating him, if money talks. If anything, I suspect her feelings of being unwanted, are being assauged through attention from someone else who's displaying desire. The timing of this is too suspect for being a simple wallet draw! I put "working 70 hour weeks", "showering her with gifts" and " i can't compete with that" together to give both an example of how things were indeed not perfect and that often our perceptions of others are projected from our perception of ourselves. He screwed up. What we're not hearing is the dynamic which led up to him making the mistakes he made. I think he had her on a pedestal and got all wadded up in trying to measure up to being worthy of her love and ended up pushing her away. Her mistake was to dismiss their R so easily, simply because she could, due to her "options". Note how her actions and her words did not match (according to the OP's recount). OP, what if you just left things alone for 3 months? Accept that she has options, is exercising them with zeal and then leave her to do that without distracting her. If she takes your sincere words to heart, digests them and the reality of your R and returns, equitably, that's one path. If you never hear from her again, that's another path. Either way, you heal your soul. I'll give you my final instinct. If the R had been strong and she really was attracted to you, she wouldn't have dismissed you so easily and without emotion. Keep that in mind the next time as guidance for your own actions.
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I put "working 70 hour weeks", "showering her with gifts" and " i can't compete with that" together to give both an example of how things were indeed not perfect and that often our perceptions of others are projected from our perception of ourselves. He screwed up. What we're not hearing is the dynamic which led up to him making the mistakes he made. I think he had her on a pedestal and got all wadded up in trying to measure up to being worthy of her love and ended up pushing her away. Her mistake was to dismiss their R so easily, simply because she could, due to her "options". Note how her actions and her words did not match (according to the OP's recount). OP, what if you just left things alone for 3 months? Accept that she has options, is exercising them with zeal and then leave her to do that without distracting her. If she takes your sincere words to heart, digests them and the reality of your R and returns, equitably, that's one path. If you never hear from her again, that's another path. Either way, you heal your soul. I'll give you my final instinct. If the R had been strong and she really was attracted to you, she wouldn't have dismissed you so easily and without emotion. Keep that in mind the next time as guidance for your own actions. What you see isn't necessarily what she feels!
carhill Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 What you see isn't necessarily what she feels! That's a double-ended locomotive, ya know Seriously, time reveals all truths. I'm going to stick with my "she wasn't really invested in him" theory and invite the OP to prove me wrong. Happy to be so
Kamille Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I'll give you my final instinct. If the R had been strong and she really was attracted to you, she wouldn't have dismissed you so easily and without emotion. Keep that in mind the next time as guidance for your own actions. I am remarkable at dismissing relationships when I realize that 'the guy' might not be in a position to offer me the love, respect and stability I crave in a relationship. I don't think it lessens what I might have felt for the guy, it just means I am a smart, autonomous person who chooses not to rely on somebody else for her happiness. But you're right, from her perspective, the R wasn't strong: he asked for a break TWICE. It doesn't mean, however, that she wasn't attracted to him. It just means she's being smart about dating.
carhill Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I asked for a break about 5 weeks ago. She said to take as long as i wanted she would be there when i was ready. We never went on that break, we continued to talk and stay the night at each others place. then 2 weeks ago, we went out, she was drunk, one of my friends introduced me to a girl friend of his and she came up and introduced herself right away. I teased her about it the following morning and then she asked if i wanted another breakNote the lack of emotion..... being "smart" is one thing; "hardening the heart" is quite another. You'll note that nowhere in the OP's recount did he relate that she told him how she felt about the break. The OP represented that "she is 24 she was in a 6 year relationship prior to me, but they had broken up for a while prior to this recent break up. She broke it off, because he didnt give her the attention she wanted", so I presume they were not just casually dating, but rather were in a R and he "was feeling the pressure to move the relationship to another level as moving in together or something". Note my final bit of advice to him: "Keep that in mind the next time as guidance for your own actions". He cannot control how she feels or acts but only his own actions and reactions. He made mistakes. He's imperfect. He can learn. So can she, if she's smart
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Note the lack of emotion..... being "smart" is one thing; "hardening the heart" is quite another. You'll note that nowhere in the OP's recount did he relate that she told him how she felt about the break. The OP represented that "she is 24 she was in a 6 year relationship prior to me, but they had broken up for a while prior to this recent break up. She broke it off, because he didnt give her the attention she wanted", so I presume they were not just casually dating, but rather were in a R and he "was feeling the pressure to move the relationship to another level as moving in together or something". Note my final bit of advice to him: "Keep that in mind the next time as guidance for your own actions". He cannot control how she feels or acts but only his own actions and reactions. He made mistakes. He's imperfect. He can learn. So can she, if she's smart Not every man is capable of empathizing, translating or understanding a woman's emotions/actions. I will include this portion for a reason. It's very telling to me. then 2 weeks ago, we went out, she was drunk, one of my friends introduced me to a girl friend of his and she came up and introduced herself right away. I teased her about it the following morning and then she asked if i wanted another break,
Fun2BMe Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Not every man is capable of empathizing, translating or understanding a woman's emotions/actions. I will include this portion for a reason. It's very telling to me. Quote: then 2 weeks ago, we went out, she was drunk, one of my friends introduced me to a girl friend of his and she came up and introduced herself right away. I teased her about it the following morning and then she asked if i wanted another break, Yes, I agree that that stands out the most to me from the post. I think that the truth is that SHE ended up wanting the break because YOU screwed up as far as teasing her about another girl which is something that no woman wants to put up with in a relationship. Plus we don't know if you have flirted/teased her about other women as well. It looks like you were taking her for granted and only when another man started showering her with the attnetion she wants you felt threatened and ready to end the break!
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